Innholdsfortegnelse for April 2014 i Maxim

Eva Forever Eva Longoria is once, twice, three times a Maxim cover girl [ Jan/Feb]. I applaud you and give you a standing ovation! —Joseph Suazo, via e-mail You’re welcome, and thanks for reading. Side note: If “standing ovation” is code for something, please never write to us again! Mystic Bullshit In Jan/Feb you guys had a psychic named Laura predict who was going to be in the Super Bowl [Circus Maximus]. She said anybody from the South, something about horses, and the Patriots. If she’s going to be honest, why doesn’t she just say she has no fucking idea? She already picked half of the damn NFL. —Derik Diemer, via e-mail Hold on a minute, Derik, are you implying that a psychic is maybe full of shit? Crazy! Incidentally,…

1977 After an HR, L.A. Dodger Dus-ty Baker raises a hand to Glenn Burke, who consummates history’s first high five—but misses a great chance to armpit-tickle a baseball legend. 1980 High five is added to the Oxford Dictionary, defined as “a gesture of celebration in which two people slap each other’s open palm.” It doesn’t sound so fun when you put it like that, Oxford Killjoy-nary. 2002 National High Five Day (NH5D) is created when a group of students at the University of Virginia set up a stand giving out lemonade and hand slaps. Today NH5D uses the high five to raise money for various charities. May we suggest a slogan for women’s health? Slap Here for Pap Smear! 2013 The Timberwolves sell $75 tickets for their match-up with the…

In which we slog through hours and hours of X-rated films to find factual errors. That’s how most people watch porn, right? Ideal Companion is the tale of two scientists who are contracted by the government to build a robotic supersoldier. The robot is equipped with combat fatigues, a rifle, and, of course, an enormous boner. It’s also equipped with a condom. Um, why? Sure, rubbers reduce the chance of pregnancy and STDs in humans, but they’re unnec essary when it comes to screwing bots. Which is why we have always wanted to bone Rosie Jetson.…

How do you want to go? I wanna die having sex. Return to the same place I came from. What kind of Scary Movie–style death would you definitely not want? Anything that involves decapitation. That looks painful. Can’t be resurrected without a head! Do you have any deathbed confessions? I ain’t confessing nothing on my deathbed. I held dirt all these years. Why start telling truth then? How about a family secret you would like to get off your chest? My family secret is—and you have to promise not to tell anyone—I’m the most well-endowed of the Wayans brothers. Would you rather spend eternity as a White Chick or a Little Man? I’d probably spend it as a Little Man. I could see up skirts, so I’d be winning. Will…

See if your funny bone is bigger than ours. Send your funnies to jokes@maxim.com or tweet #MaximJokes. I went to the doctor’s office the other day and found out that my new doctor is young, female, and drop-dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don’t worry, I am a professional—I’ve seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I’ll check it out.” I said, “My wife thinks my dick tastes funny.” —RAY MORGAN My girlfriend and I always have these massive arguments, followed by incredible make-up sex. That’s what I love about her—she won’t go down without a fight. —PATRICK WALKER I took my 92-year-old dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court.…

INGREDIENTS • ¼ cup flour • ¼ cup butter • 4 cups whole milk • ½ cup grated Vermont yellow cheddar cheese • ½ cup mascarpone cheese • ¾ cup + 1/8 cup grated Swiss cheese • ¼ tsp. grated nutmeg • Salt and pepper • 1½ cups rye bread croutons (¼-inch cubes) • ½ Tbs. toasted and ground caraway seeds • 3 Tbs. Russian •ressing • ¾ lb. elbow macaroni, cooked in salt water • 2½ cups •iced braised corn beef (¼-inch cubes) • 1 cup pickled sauerkraut, roughly chopped • ½ cup diced cheese curds • 16 slices beer bread METHOD 1. Preheat oven to 300°F. 2. Whisk flour and butter together in a saucepan for five minutes over medium heat. 3. Pour in milk and bring to…

1 STRENGTH This is about developing a foundational functional strength so you can carry your load within a team. Training: Focus on total body movements that are functional: the dead lift, the back squat, the bench press, and the push press. Incorporate one of these moves into your workout each day, starting with a low number of reps at a high weight percentage. For example, one set of three reps at five percent below your repetition maximum (RM) and then three sets of three reps at 10 percent below your RM. 2 STAMINA Stamina is crucial to SEAL training because you work out in the morning, but then you go into the field and work all day long. Training: Take the primary strength lift that you just worked—let’s say the…

Samsung 85-Inch U9B Bendable TV Try to bend most televisions and you’ll end up with hands full of shrapnel and a voided warranty. This doughy display—which will be available to consumers later this year—transforms from a flat-screen to a curvaceous display that provides IMAX-like periphery fillage and added dimension. Or just a warm hug. $TBD, samsung.com Cobra JumPack A portable battery pack that can charge your phone or tablet? Yawn. A 7,500 mAh portable battery pack that’s got enough juice to jump-start your car? Never stick your clamp in another man’s engine again. $130, cobra.com ClearView Clio Goodbye, grates! This Bluetooth speaker is built around a sheath of clear curved acrylic glass. Of course, that pane ain’t just for looks: It pushes sound in multiple directions for room-filling booms. Who…

What advice would you give to guys who are nervous about buying lingerie for their girlfriends? Just buy what you would like to look at, because that’s who you’re doing it for anyway! That’s all that matters. Have you ever gotten lingerie as a gift? Yeah, and I like it… if it’s the person I want to receive it from. What asset do you like to show off the most? I guess I would have to say my boobs. What’s your favorite style? Dark greens and black, like the lingerie I wore for this shoot, are really hot. And lacy and kind of see-through. Is the fancy stuff just for special occasions, or would you pull it out during the week? I don’t think lingerie should be only for special…

How are you, Garry? I’m good, buddy. Let me just turn the TV off. An Icon really shouldn’t be watching television in the daytime. Although the real Icon is whatever woman is on the page before this interview. What are you watching? I suppose this won’t be timely by the time this prints, but it is hilarious watching CNN bouncing around between the State of the Union address and the snowstorm in Atlanta. You can’t tell what they’re showing. Is the person shivering because they’re a Republican reacting to the speech, or are they someone stuck on the side of the freeway? And they haven’t really tied it together as a metaphor for our country, but they show wheels spinning in the snow, and then you have this sweeping view…

BUZKASHI CATCH A GAME HERE: Afghanistan If Disney on Ice isn’t in town the next time you’re in Afghanistan, take the kids to a game of buzkashi, or goat dragging. You’ll see horsemen struggling to control a decapitated goat carcass. (Or as the travel brochure probably says, “Fun for the whole family!”) The rules are simple yet strictly enforced by military officers: Ride into the end zone holding the dead goat, don’t use weapons to murder your opponent, and don’t fall off and die. OK, kids, who wants some cotton candy? CAR SOCCER CATCH A GAME HERE: England Made famous by BBC’s Top Gear, car soccer—ahem, “car football,” as they insist on calling it—is like a David Beckham cameo in Tokyo Drift. Two teams of five drivers slide out, burn…

11 A.M. Strict about the no-droolingon-seats rule. 3 P.M. Most impressive parallel parking in history. 5 P.M. Hopefully your über-driver Fred isn’t wearing the same outfit. Should the Maxim staff be worried about putting our lives in your hands? Ha, no, you don’t have to worry. I got my license in São Paulo, Brazil. If you can drive there, you can drive anywhere. So you aren’t intimidated about driving in New York? People drive much slower here. In Manhattan there are police around, but in Brazil nobody really cares what you do. It’s crazy. What do you think about backseat drivers trying to give you directions? I don’t like them very much. You wind up getting confused. I’m the one in front, so please let me drive. People can sing…

It’s hard to believe the wig-wearing, bong-smashing hot mess that is Amanda Bynes was once dubbed America’s sweetheart. But back in February 2010, that’s exactly what we named the former tween queen, fresh off her role as a church-obsessed mean girl in the darkly hilarious Easy A. Now that she’s out of rehab and seems to be getting herself back on track, we’re pulling for her to get it together and get in front of our cameras again. In other words…we’re still crushing on you, Amanda!…

Maxim.com Check out our list of crazy springbreak crimes, then lock yourself in the hotel till it’s time to go home. Are the men on your TV playing hoops or hockey? Don’t fret—our superuseful sports guide will keep you informed. What does your go-to drink say about your skills in bed? Finish that wine spritzer and find out here! Facebook Vote in our polls at Facebook.com/MaximMagazine to pick our next cover girl! It’s like being at our cover meetings, without the donuts and crying Twitter Keep track of the hottest list in the world by following @MaximMag and the #MaximHot100 hashtag. To keep track of the coldest list, follow @Antarctica. Instagram Follow us at @MaximMag to get a behind-the-scenes look at our sexy photo shoots. You won’t even have to…

CHURCH OF EUTHANASIA Devoted to reducing the human population to re-store balance on Earth, this cult encourages followers to engage in sodomy, abortion, suicide, and cannibalism. Now close your eyes and try not to puke as you imagine what a Sunday service looks like. REMNANT FELLOWSHIP Gwen Shamblin, founder of Remnant Fellowship, has some advice about getting into heaven: Lose weight, fatty! Shamblin encourages followers to replace un--healthy snacking with praying and reading the Bible, which, unfortunately, does not have a creamy filling. BREATHARIANS According to Breatharians, people get all the nutrients they need by simply breathing oxygen. Unfortunate ly for the devotees, the human body actually re quires food and water to survive, so their spiritual journeys tend to culminate in a slow, painful death. And extremely bad breath.…

TOPIC The Hoff NICKNAME Mr. Cool Skimpy red swim trunks SIGNATURE STYLE Backward-worn Kangol hat “Don’t hassle the Hoff!” MOST QUOTED LINE “I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane.” Drunkenly eats a cheeseburger off a Vegas hotel floor while being chastised by his teenage daughter. VIRAL VIDEO For the 2012 presidential election, Jackson released a nursery rhyme parody video urging Americans to “wake the fuck up” and vote Obama. In response to people opening fake social networking accounts in his name, Hasselhoff launched his own social network, HoffSpace. OBSTACLES OVERCOME Claims the word motherfucker helped him ward off a stutter he’s battled since childhood. Pam Anderson’s boobs NOTABLE FAKE COSTARS Yoda Germans FAN BASE Everyone (because they’re scared of what will happen if they’re not)…

A few months ago Beyoncé, our most favorite child of destiny, made and released an entire visual album with-out telling us beforehand. We’re not going to take it as a slight, since the supersexy songstress is known for her secretive nature. Remember when she tried to hide her relationship with her nowhusband, Jay Z? Or her early pregnancy with Blue Ivy? Or that time she whispered, “I love you. Let’s spend our lives together and make a million Beyoncé-Maxim babies”? OK, that one was never revealed to the public...until now. Perhaps that’s why we didn’t work out: She could never truly love a blabbermouth. :(…

FRIEND If you’re at a baseball game with a couple of your buddies, why not pay $100 to have one of them propose to the other up on the JumboTron? There is nothing a bunch of drunk sports fans love more than to hear that Rod wants to spend the rest of his life with Barry. COWORKER Come up with an entirely fabricated résumé for your colleague. Make it seem like he’s claiming to be the head of the whole company. Hell, make it seem like he founded the company. Then leave a copy of the fake résumé on the office copier for your boss to find. PARENTS Haven’t you put these poor people through enough? Leave them alone—or change every clock in their house to different times. Revel in…

Materials • Potassium nitrate • Sugar • Empty film container • Pen • Box of matches • Straw • Tissue • Tape • Paper clip • Rubber band • Empty toilet paper roll • Fire extinguisher 1 Mix three parts potassium nitrate (order it online or buy it as stump remover at a hardware store) to two parts sugar in a skillet, preferably on an outdoor stovetop. 2 Over low heat, stir till sugar is cara-melized and the mix is liquefied. Do not let it burn—it could ignite! 3 Pour mixture into film container and stick a pen in it to make space for the fuse. Place in an ice bath to cool for up to an hour. 4 Fill a straw with match heads, se-curing them inside with tissue…

This month marks the 50th anniversary of the Mustang’s muscle-bound existence, and Ford is honoring the occasion by rolling out the slickest pony car yet. From the Flat Rock Assembly Plant in Detroit, the 2015 Mustang GT emerges a sleeker, nimbler, and more sophisticated version of its former self. Its lower, wider stance lends additional poise to the Mustang’s already strapping silhouette, while steeper sloping windows hark back to the Steve McQueen days. Under the hood the GT is all-American muscle, with an upgraded 5.0-liter V-8. For agility’s sake, Ford has equipped the new model with independent rear suspension. Pricewise the GT should remain well within reach of honest, red-blooded Americans. So roll up those shirt sleeves and fire up a Marlboro, cowboy: This pony ain’t going to drive itself.—Adam…

1. Vince Camuto Leather moto jacket, $595, vincecamuto.com Perry Ellis Linen shirt, $75, perryellis.com 2. J. Hilburn Stone Luxury sport coat,$420, and silk pocket square, $39, jhilburn.com life/after/denim Field shirt, $118, lifeafterdenim.com 3. New Era EK Thea Liberty London print fedora, $50, neweracap.com 4. Timberland Earthkeepers chinos, $118, timberland.com PRPS Goods & Co. Indigo jeans, $275, prpsjeans.com 5. Tommy Hilfiger Ricky peacoat, $399, at Tommy Hilfiger stores Ernest Alexander Liberty London print shirt, $225, ernest alexander.com 6. Vince Camuto Leather belt, $70, vincecamuto.com 7. American Eagle Outfitters AE fleece sweatshirt,$ 40, ae.com 8. Mark Nason Stroud suede chukka boots, $99, skechers.com 9. Tumi Santa Monica Bashford leather duffel, $895, tumi.com 1. Gant Rugger Jacket, $275, gant.com Original Penguin P55 mini-check shirt, $79, original penguin.com 2. Shipley & Halmos Sloop jacket, $595, shipley-halmos.com Nautica Anchor…

The guy’s gotta be a douche, right? He just married supermodel Lisalla Montenegro (see page 66 for envyinducing details); he recently bought a north-of-a-million-dollars McLaren P1 hypercar (to add to the Porsche Carrera GT, the Acura NSX, the eight motorcycles, and the other McLaren already in his garage); he’s endorsed by major brands like Head & Shoulders; and at only 33 he owns a racing team. Oh, one more thing: He’s a two-time All-Star starting pitcher for the Anaheim Angels with a killer arm and a $77.5 million contract. Total prick, huh? Not so fast. Within minutes of meeting the shaggyhaired southpaw, it’s clear he’s one of the most obsessively driven success stories out there. He turns everything—from throwing a perfectly placed three-two breaking ball to nailing the apex in…

YEAR 1962 ESCAPEES Frank Morris, Clarence Anglin, John Anglin PRISON Alcatraz, California Situated on a tiny island in San Francisco Bay, Alcatraz was notoriously America’s most inescapable prison, housing the likes of Al Capone, “Machine Gun” Kelly, and the Birdman of (wait for it) Alcatraz. Before Frank Morris and the Anglin brothers fled, 31 inmates had attempted escape, all resulting in death or recapture. Using spoons to tunnel into the cell vent (1), Morris and the Anglins executed the prison’s most brazen escape attempt ever. On the night of June 11, after six months of planning, they placed papier-mâché dummies in their beds (2), climbed to the Alcatraz roof and over a security fence (3), and then took to the frigid bay waters in a raft made from prison-issue raincoats…

DETROIT Crime lowlights: Last year Detroit’s police celebrated reaching 36 hours without a homicide. Way to go, guys! MMA fighter Charles Rowan (who’d just faked his own death over a drug debt) was busted for robbing a gun store with a hammer. Highland Park mayor Deandre Windom was shot while partying at the club while former mayor Kwame Kilpatrick was partying in jail on corruption charges. People are so poor they’re using copper stolen from scrap yards as currency. A grieving man looted his father’s remains for a planned resurrection. Love never dies! MIAMI Crime lowlights: A man was viciously assaulted by his lady for not replying when asked if the turkey got basted. One couple pistol-whipped a guy who botched their coffee or der. A man was threatened with…

“What time does the orgy start?” my boyfriend asked as I left for an aphrodisiac cooking class in N.Y.C. A short subway trip later, that joke transforms into an ominous warning as I’m greeted by the man in charge at his front door. “Welcome to Sex on the Table,” says Chef Fed with a heavy Swiss accent as he ushers me into his apartment. “We’ll soon be making noises at the dinner table that we typically reserve for the privacy of our own bedrooms.” Yikes. Who knows what these Europeans are into? I’m the last to arrive, and the other eight attendees are staring at me as Barry Manilow croons from the stereo. I begin to wonder if this night is going to end with me in an ice bath…

Lingerie H&M Earrings R. J. Graziano Rings Stylist’s own Hometowns: Manhattan and Beverly Hills Astrological sign: Virgo Job: Actress/Model/Blogger Pets: One cat, a giant Egyptian Mau I can whoop any guy’s ass in beer pong. The last thing that made me LOL was" Family Guy." The worst words in the universe are babymama, hun, and gals. The most embarrassing song on my iPod is “Sex on the Beach” by T-Spoon. The worst pickup line I ever heard was" I lost my number. Can I have yours?" A guy is more likely to get lucky with me if he is a gentleman. My spirit animal is a bear. The Face airs Wednesday nights at 10 p.m. ET/PT on Oxygen.…

1 TAX FUNDS: $325,000 GOVERNMENT AGENCY: National Science Foundation PROJECT: Building robot squirrels to study rodents’ relationship with snakes. To make matters worse, this is actually the least fun thing you can do with an army of robot squirrels. 2 TAX FUNDS: $10,000 GOVERNMENT AGENCY: Department of Transportation PROJECT: Installing talking urinal cakes in bar bathrooms that encourage patrons to call a cab if they’re drunk. Note to drinkers: If your urine ever talks back to you, call a cab. 3 TAX FUNDS: $700,000 GOVERNMENT AGENCY: Department of Agriculture PROJECT: Studying methane re-- leased in cow burps and farts. Their findings? Most emissions come from belches. Our findings? All methane emissions are hilarious. 4 TAX FUNDS: $516,000 GOVERNMENT AGENCY: National Science Foundation PROJECT: Creating a video game about the week…

TAYLOR MOMSEN and the Pretty Reckless are back and ready to rock your pants off. Whether raising hell in Gossip Girl or opening for Guns n’ Roses with her alt-metal band the Pretty Reckless, Taylor Momsen has long been blowing our minds and ears. Now, with their new album, Going to Hell, Momsen and crew are turning more than their amplifiers on. “Image and sex in music have always gone hand in hand, but the music has to be the focus,” she told us last fall. “This album is definitely a step forward from the last record, so I’m just excited for everyone to hear it and to go back on tour.” Just don’t expect a little Jenny Humphrey act. “It’s a really eclectic mix when we play live,” says…

—Liam Nelson In 2003 a 25-year-old software engineer beat odds of 16.7 million to one and cashed in for $39,710,826.36—the largest jackpot ever—playing a slot machine at the Excalibur Hotel Casino in Las Vegas. The man decided to keep his identity a secret, but we suspect he can be recognized by the humongous change purse he carries around. Can you train insects?—Ben Strepo Forget about starting a flea circus: Turns out another insect is the bee’s knees when it comes to performing. Ohio State entomologist Daniel Herms gives us the buzz: “Honeybees have excellent cognitive skills and can indeed be trained.” In fact, they’ve been taught to locate explosives. Yawn. Call us when they learn to parallel-park. Why don’t cats hump humans like dogs do?—Josh Klein Some cats are happy…

1 JOIN AN ELITE GROUP Over a million applicants from around the world competed in a contest sponsored by Axe to ride on a passenger space shuttle by the end of 2015. Twentyfive men and women were selected for the mission. As they boarded a bus to a zero-gravity training plane near Cape Canaveral, I snuck on with them. 2 TALK TO AN ASTRONAUT Legendary space pioneer Buzz Aldrin knows a thing or two about weightlessness, so I paid him a visit. After poring over the latest Maxim (seriously, he couldn’t put it down), Dr. Aldrin assured me that “not every astronaut is cut from the same mold.” Does being cut from a Jell-O mold count? 3 EAT A GIANT SANDWICH An hour before the flight, it was time to…

Hardwood matador RICKY RUBIO shares his tips for passing and picking players’ pockets. Handle Small Balls “Training after my ACL injury was tough, but I still improved my ballhandling skills. I’d sit in a chair and dribble with both hands, bounce two balls at once, and spend all day on passing and shooting drills. Now that I’m healthy, I like to dribble a tennis ball, trying my basketball moves with a ball that’s much smaller and harder to handle.” Get Creative “I grew up following Magic Johnson and Pistol Pete Maravich. They were all about creating new moves and having fun with the ball. When I’m on the court, I view myself as an artist with a blank canvas; the inspiration comes when I have the ball. I always have…

Panono Panoramic Ball Camera Is it C-3P0’s kidney stone or a time ma chine? Neither! But it’s still fun. Toss this sphere into the air and its integrated 36 cameras shoot in all directions. The stitched-together sum is basically an aerial freezeframe of what’s happening below. It’s a pigeon’s-pre-poop-eye-view of you! $549, panono.com Belkin Crock-Pot WeMo Slow Cooker We’re officially one step closer to a robo-chef. This slow cooker doesn’t just let you set and forget your stews and chilis while you spend a day at work or the laser-tag arena; it also lets you control the damn thing from afar using an app. Remotely turn it on from the bar and a hot bowl of yum miness will be waiting when you stumble in at 3 a.m. $100, belkin.com…

During her run on One Tree Hill, Sophia Bush seemed like the ideal gal to bring home to Mom: sweet, wholesome, and yeah, sure, drop-dead gorgeous, too. But to play a Windy City copper on Chicago P.O., the SoCal native put the sweetness in the slammer. She’s a no-nonsense, toughtalking looker who knows her way around a pistol, a ball game, and a rare bottle of scotch. So, gentlemen, please drop your weapons, step away from the car, and prepare for an arresting encounter. You’ve gone from a high school cheerleader on One Tree Hill to a hardnosed intelligence officer on Chicago P.D. That’s quite a change. Well, it’s funny. It’s not often that someone gets a job at 20 and then does it for a decade. Those are the…

Fastball? Check. Fast cars? Check. Think C.J. Wilson has it all? You don’t know the half of it. We’re very happy to introduce you to his stunning other half, Lisalla Montenegro (or Mrs. Wilson, if you prefer). The bodacious Brazilian—and soon-to-be face of Lexus—was kind enough to share these pictures from their recent honeymoon in her home country. As for why she looks so comfortable, you can thank the photographer… that damn C. J. Wilson! Wow, C.J. is quite a photographer! He knows my body well, all my good angles. Plus, Brazil is such a beautiful place, and it felt like we had the whole beach to ourselves. It was us and turtles. We know C.J. charmed you by learning Portuguese, but did you hear any bad pickup lines in…

The drive from Arizona State University’s Tempe campus to the nondescript office in an industrial park behind the Scottsdale Municipal Airport is relatively short, 30 minutes or so. But for an 18-year-old ASU freshman from a small town in Texas, it seemed to take forever—and would prove to be the most fateful trip of her life. It was a warm September night in 2010 when the young woman, whom we’ll call Stacey, walked out of her dormitory in the heart of Tempe, hopped into the passenger seat of a car driven by a middle-aged man named Eric Whittaker, and took the short drive north. If the two talked, Stacey doesn’t remember the conversation, only that it was “uncomfortable.” Stacey’s sense of discomfort was not misplaced. The stocky, otherwise forgettable Whittaker…

Is it weird for men to post selfies?—Frankie Alvarez I don’t think so. Just don’t post selfies from the gym. Put the phone down and work out. I’m in my 20s. Is it ridiculous fo me to get braces?—Jesse Hughes Not at all. I wouldn’t mind kissing a guy with braces, but I don’t want to kiss a guy with jacked-up teeth! How can I make my mom stop posting dumb stuff on Facebook?—Brent Klein Scare her by telling her that the NSA is watching, and they may revoke her social network privileges! Are beepers still around?—Damon Butler I doubt it. But if beepers do make a comeback, it’s going to be by hipsters trying to look original. What’s one thing girls wish guys wouldn’t wear?—Warren Scott When I was…

p.4: Bodybuilder, Hongqi Zhang/Alamy; Bible, PixImaker/iStock; Bible spine, Lee Avison/Alamy p.6: Sure Thik, courtesy of SureThik/surethik.com p.7: Maxim.com girl, Adamdodd/iStock; handcufs, RTImages/Alamy; chain, AlexStar/iStock p.8: Truck, iStock; chair, iStock; person falling, iStock p.12: Adam Scot, Jack Gruber/USA Today Sports; Cristiano Ronaldo, AFP/Gety Images; Novak Djokovic, ChinaFotoPress/Gety Images; Koji Uehara, Rick Osentoski/USA Today Sports; LeBron James, Steve Mitchell/USA Today Sports; Serena Williams, Nathan Denete/The Canadian Press/Associated Press; bodybuilder, Hongqi Zhang/Alamy; Bible, PixImaker/iStock; Bible spine, Lee Avison/Alamy p.13: Condom, Joanimbkk/iStock p.14: Hasselhof, AF Archive/Alamy; Jackson, Photos 12/Alamy; Prety Reckless album, Razor & Tie p.17: Beyoncé, Kevin Mazur/Gety Images p.18: Coins, Carolyn Frank/Shuterstock; cuckoo clock, Colonel/iStock; Swiss fag, Flag Illustrations/Alamy p.19: Olivia Wilde, NBC/Gety Images; Found Porn, courtesy of Michael Truit; monkey, Jacki Soikis/HotSpot/Landov; Anchorman 2 DVD, courtesy of Paramount; bull, Jon Nazca/Reuters p.21:…