Maxim April 2014

Eva Forever Eva Longoria is once, twice, three times a Maxim cover girl [ Jan/Feb]. I applaud you and give you a standing ovation! —Joseph Suazo, via e-mail You’re welcome, and thanks for reading. Side note: If “standing ovation” is code for something, please never write to us again! Mystic Bullshit In Jan/Feb you guys had a psychic named Laura predict who was going to be in the Super Bowl [Circus Maximus]. She said anybody from the South, something about horses, and the Patriots. If she’s going to be honest, why doesn’t she just say she has no fucking idea? She already picked half of the damn NFL. —Derik Diemer, via e-mail Hold on a minute, Derik, are you implying that a psychic is maybe full of shit? Crazy! Incidentally,…

Maxim.com Check out our list of crazy springbreak crimes, then lock yourself in the hotel till it’s time to go home. Are the men on your TV playing hoops or hockey? Don’t fret—our superuseful sports guide will keep you informed. What does your go-to drink say about your skills in bed? Finish that wine spritzer and find out here! Facebook Vote in our polls at Facebook.com/MaximMagazine to pick our next cover girl! It’s like being at our cover meetings, without the donuts and crying Twitter Keep track of the hottest list in the world by following @MaximMag and the #MaximHot100 hashtag. To keep track of the coldest list, follow @Antarctica. Instagram Follow us at @MaximMag to get a behind-the-scenes look at our sexy photo shoots. You won’t even have to…

Lingerie H&M Earrings R. J. Graziano Rings Stylist’s own Hometowns: Manhattan and Beverly Hills Astrological sign: Virgo Job: Actress/Model/Blogger Pets: One cat, a giant Egyptian Mau I can whoop any guy’s ass in beer pong. The last thing that made me LOL was" Family Guy." The worst words in the universe are babymama, hun, and gals. The most embarrassing song on my iPod is “Sex on the Beach” by T-Spoon. The worst pickup line I ever heard was" I lost my number. Can I have yours?" A guy is more likely to get lucky with me if he is a gentleman. My spirit animal is a bear. The Face airs Wednesday nights at 10 p.m. ET/PT on Oxygen.…

1977 After an HR, L.A. Dodger Dus-ty Baker raises a hand to Glenn Burke, who consummates history’s first high five—but misses a great chance to armpit-tickle a baseball legend. 1980 High five is added to the Oxford Dictionary, defined as “a gesture of celebration in which two people slap each other’s open palm.” It doesn’t sound so fun when you put it like that, Oxford Killjoy-nary. 2002 National High Five Day (NH5D) is created when a group of students at the University of Virginia set up a stand giving out lemonade and hand slaps. Today NH5D uses the high five to raise money for various charities. May we suggest a slogan for women’s health? Slap Here for Pap Smear! 2013 The Timberwolves sell $75 tickets for their match-up with the…

CHURCH OF EUTHANASIA Devoted to reducing the human population to re-store balance on Earth, this cult encourages followers to engage in sodomy, abortion, suicide, and cannibalism. Now close your eyes and try not to puke as you imagine what a Sunday service looks like. REMNANT FELLOWSHIP Gwen Shamblin, founder of Remnant Fellowship, has some advice about getting into heaven: Lose weight, fatty! Shamblin encourages followers to replace un--healthy snacking with praying and reading the Bible, which, unfortunately, does not have a creamy filling. BREATHARIANS According to Breatharians, people get all the nutrients they need by simply breathing oxygen. Unfortunate ly for the devotees, the human body actually re quires food and water to survive, so their spiritual journeys tend to culminate in a slow, painful death. And extremely bad breath.…

1 TAX FUNDS: $325,000 GOVERNMENT AGENCY: National Science Foundation PROJECT: Building robot squirrels to study rodents’ relationship with snakes. To make matters worse, this is actually the least fun thing you can do with an army of robot squirrels. 2 TAX FUNDS: $10,000 GOVERNMENT AGENCY: Department of Transportation PROJECT: Installing talking urinal cakes in bar bathrooms that encourage patrons to call a cab if they’re drunk. Note to drinkers: If your urine ever talks back to you, call a cab. 3 TAX FUNDS: $700,000 GOVERNMENT AGENCY: Department of Agriculture PROJECT: Studying methane re-- leased in cow burps and farts. Their findings? Most emissions come from belches. Our findings? All methane emissions are hilarious. 4 TAX FUNDS: $516,000 GOVERNMENT AGENCY: National Science Foundation PROJECT: Creating a video game about the week…