Innholdsfortegnelse for June 2019 i FHM Australia (Archive)

It was time again to cast off the shackles of the cocktail shaker, time to say “YES!” to the jigger, to the stirring, to the mastering, and time to rise up to the challenge and declare the king of bartending skills in the 2019 Monkey Shoulder Ultimate Bartender Championship (UBC). This year’s Ultimate Bartender Challenge, which took place at Saigon Suzy in Johannesburg, South Africa saw some of the regions best bartenders battle it out to be crowned South Africa’s ultimate bartender and win an all expenses paid trip to the London Cocktail Week in October, 2019. We’ve all heard the saying, “don’t let the same dog bite you twice”, but in this case, the same man has claimed the UBC title for a second year running - Michael Stephenson,…

PROTECT YOUR FAMILY This print will help you remember the good times, when Nic Cage was at his crazy best, and before Ghost Rider 2 ruined everything. LOOK AT ALL YOUR SHIT Guns and aliens and weed and unicorns and last month’s cover model/Spring Breakers star Ashley Benson in a bikini? It’s enough to confuse your trousers beyond all recognition. WORK LESS, PLAY MORE London duo Crispin Finn have created a series of these can-you-tell-what-it-is? prints that includes Jaws, American Psycho, The Big Lebowski and this. BECOME A BIG DEAL If we have to name the smartly dressed, Baxter-walking newscaster behind this ’tache, you need to sort your DVD collection out. Quickly. CHANNEL A HELLRAISER “You never met a pair like Butch and The Kid” reads the poster for this…

There’s precisely 65 billion reasons why you shouldn’t buy that delicious pair of trainers you’ve been lusting after all month. “I’ve got bills to pay” and “I need to eat”, for example. But we’ve got a reason for why you should, which totally trumps them all. Back in February, Mick, a 30-year-old trainer collector in China, sold his 283 pairs for a tasty 1 million yuan. How much is that in British pounds? Put it this way: he used the dosh to bag himself an apartment. A real life, roof-and-four-walls apartment in stinking rich Beijing. Yes, there’s a tidy profit to be had if you know your Nike Air Max from your Adidas Stan Smiths. So that got us thinking. Instead of signing our life away with a lifelong mortgage…

Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen (Jeff Buckley version) Life lesson learned: Who’s to say? Leonard Cohen drafted 80 difference verses to this at first. It’s probably something along the lines of ‘love can make you sad as well as happy but that’s OK’. Sample lyric: “Baby I’ve been here before, I’ve seen this room and I’ve walked this floor, I used to live alone before I knew ya. But I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch, and love is not a victory march, it’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah.” In a nutshell: You can learn a lot about your own love life from the Old Testament if you look hard enough. Something Inside So Strong by Labi Siffre Life lesson learned: There is suffering…

Stop crying, man. Break-ups are great. Think of it as being born again. Colours are brighter. Flowers smell sweeter. You don’t have to keep going out for tapas any more. Plus, you get to do the amazing, vengeful thing of changing your Netflix password. GOOD LUCK FINDING OUT HOW THEY MANAGE THAT PRISON BREAK, SARA. But before you dive back into that dating pool, some no-nos: don’t check her Facebook messages if you have her password. If she owes you money, write it off if it’s less than R2 000. If it’s more than R10 000, procure the service of a lawyer. If you need to meet, do it in a neutral location. Bedrooms are off limits. Don’t think about another man’s big hands pawing at your ex’s breasts. Don’t…

The primary aim on your first day at a new job is to avoid picking up a career-ruining nickname that you will never be able to shake. Walked in with a coffee? Coffee Boy. Five minutes late to your induction? Big Late John. Forgot your wallet and had to borrow a fiver from your deskmate for lunch? At your retirement party, they will still be calling you Forgetty McWalletface. Day One is mainly setting up your new computer and adjusting the height of your chair, with the real work coming later. This leaves you eight working hours to mess up your first impression with every person in the office. So: don’t do that thing where you repeat a new name three times every time you hear it (‘John, is it?…

> Decide a bully-proof name before the baby pops out. You and your partner aren’t going to be lucid following 10 sleepless hours of drugs and screaming. > Stop moaning. Having a baby is easy. Well, for you it is. > Don’t look too hard. You’re going to want to have sex again sometime in the future. > No filming. Your brain will do a perfectly good job of selecting the best bits (filtering out the squirting bodily fluids) without the need for Final Cut Pro. > Trust the doctor. Your familiarity with syptomchecker.com does not equate to seven years at medical school. > Appreciate the ‘old’ version of you. Soon, you won’t be able to remember what life was like before baby. The best bit is you wouldn’t want…

Swanage Pier An easy introduction with plenty of life and light around the pillars of the pier. The water is usually clear and clean and you’ll find pubs, ice cream and fish and chips by the water’s edge. The perfect dive site. Bridge of Orchy Something a bit wilder. The River Orchy flows into a deep section under a bridge a few miles upstream from the village of the same name. Here you’ll find a submerged gorge, water-carved rock formations and huge salmon all visible through the clear, if peat-tinted, water – like diving in whisky. The west coast Along the UK’s western periphery, from Cornwall to the Outer Hebrides, you can swim nose-to-nose with the second largest fish in the sea: the benign 30-ft-long basking shark.…

“Aren’t you that other guy from The Darkness?” I can’t count the amount of times I’ve heard that in my life. I just tell them to go fucking Google it if they want to know my name. That kind of thing just makes me laugh. I’ve never felt a need to be the main attraction. At the beginning of my career I felt painfully shy on stage, and I was sick before every show. It was my brother who helped me overcome that. I remember lifting my eyes at a gig and realising that nobody was looking at me. They were all staring at Justin, who was screaming his head off in a pink catsuit. That took a lot of pressure off. Malcolm Young of AC/DC is my hero. When…

My name is Katerina, I’m Russian, I love music, dancing, photography, beautiful places, good vine and hot guys. I Wish everybody be happy and look the beauty of the wold! Were you excited to shoot for FHM? Oh yes!!! absolutely, it is incredible, I’m so happy! Tell us something surprising about you? Sometimes I feel like sleeping naked. Describe yourself in one sentence. Lovely, easy-going, sensual. What are some of your hobbies? Collecting jewelleries. Lol. What Is your biggest turn on? Guys who are ambitious, confident and committed. What turns you off the most? Laziness, cheaters and people who are too immature. Describe to us your perfect date. Let it be a Sunset, a bottle of Cristal, and a very hot guy in a good suite, brunet…or, maybe, blond. lol…

GRAIL A trainer with a beautiful colourway and material build that has limited availability, making them hard to get. OGs The original release of a sneaker, not a reissue. Often on a collector’s ‘grail’ list, they are some of the hardest trainers to track down. COP/COPPED/ COPPING Another word for ‘buying’. You might say, “I’m copping those Jordans next week.” DEADSTOCK/DS Originally referred to as a shoe unavailable to buy, but now used as a rating for a shoe that hasn’t been worn or removed from the box. RESELLER Someone that camps out and buys all the stock of a release to sell on at profit. This is frowned upon in the trainer community.…

> No saying, “Put another shrimp on the barbie”. Even if you have shrimp. > Cater to vegetarians by buying some halloumi but tell them they are on their own when it comes to cooking it. > Don’t wrap a banana in tinfoil and cook it. It doesn’t taste of anything. > Nobody on earth can properly cook a sausage on a braai. So at least watch a YouTube tutorial beforehand. > Don’t be rude about staking a claim on the braai. It’s a grill. If someone else wants to stand over it for hours with tongs, tuck into the beers and let them. > Remember that lighting a braai is the world’s most effective rain dance, so be ready to cover all the salads with clingfilm, bang the lid…

For some reason, girlfriends’ dads put huge significance on the first ever handshake you give them. They’re obsessed with it: it’s all they can think about. And that’s fair – they are an old lion, their mane thinning, their pride (daughter) leaving them for a sharper, younger, more powerful version (you). The only remaining way they have of exerting dominance over you is by squeezing your hand really hard and passive-aggressively saying how nice it is to meet you. Girlfriends’ dads always want to meet on neutral ground, normally at a family meal, so bear that in mind. Bring some flowers for the girlfriend’s mom, take two paces over to the girlfriend’s dad, pump his hand twice and make sure you don’t accidentally call him ‘Sir’. The rest of the…

> The corny write-an-invisible-cheque-in-the-air motion? That’s not mandatory. > Assert your alpha-male status: reach for the bill immediately, pick it up, raise an eyebrow while intensely scanning it like a war-time politician reading over a peace treaty. > If you’re having a pre-match vindaloo with an entire rugby team, don’t be a rude about anyone who ordered an extra side. Be the bigger man. > Pay your share in cash. Everyone should, unless you want to spend half an hour watching people pay R200 increments around the table on cards. > If you’re on a date, just bang your debit card on the table in a way that says, “Aw yes, girl, I can pay for this entire meal myself”, but with an eyebrow-wiggle that says, “But if you want…

Unless you’re carrying around a USB stick of discreet information about the British monarchy, the only thing you need to worry about if someone mugs you is your beautiful, beautiful face. Is that nearly full Nando’s card in your wallet really worth getting your teeth knocked out for? No. Muggers are like fawns – easily startled. Unlike fawns, however, when startled they tend to fire three rounds into your chest or stab you in the arse cheek. Hand your wallet over slowly enough that they know you’re cooperating but not so slowly your Facebook photos end up on the news with the headline ‘Victim is believed to have been stabbed in the balls so hard he died’. Feel free, at the point of handover, to fix your mugger with a…

Almost anything on the seashore In a survival situation, head to the beach for a wealth of food including limpets, mussels and whelks. Seaweed is another good one – there is only one species in Britain that’s poisonous and it grows at least 35ft underwater, so anything in rock pools is good to go. Nettles Everyone can identify them and they’re abundant across the country. Boil fresh young leaves (avoid older ones, which can be risky) in water to make nettle tea, add them to soup or hold them briefly over a flame to wilt them, which burns off the tiny hairs that sting you. They taste like spinach. Wild fish Get a speargun, learn how to use it safely and catch your dinner. It’s the most sustainable way to…

I’m about to make my car-fanatic step-dad cry. Tears are forming in the corners of his eyes. Words are trying to come out of his mouth. I’ve just told him that I’m going to be co-driving for Kris Meeke at Rally Sweden. “Oh my God,” he gushes. “This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. And it’ll be on ice, too. It’ll be incredible. I’d kill for this,” he adds, a little too convincingly. “Whatever you do, don’t eat or drink anything before the drive.” “Why?” I ask. “They won’t be very happy if you vomit all over their car.” Honestly, I don’t even really know what a co-driver is, but now I’m nervous. There’s going to be vomit? How fast do these rally things actually go? Pretty fast is the answer. A…

“One of sour, two of sweet, three of strong, four of weak.” As memorable rhymes go, this one doesn’t really have the sticking power of, say, the Um Bongo advert. But these 12 words hold the key to opening up your summer to unbelievable levels of increda-brilla-sexy-coolness. This rhyming formula is the age-old bartender-only code to perfecting a summer punch. Gone are the days of raiding your mum’s dusty booze cabinet, hurling a crusty bottle of port in with a cherryade and hoping SEASON-WINNING BARBADOS PUNCH Whack these ingredients into a massive jug, ice it up, pour it out, kick back and get your face in the scorching sun… you’ve not birthed a genetic freak with the power to make you pass out before the barbecue gets lit. This year, with…

MAIN COURSE PAN FRIED HONEY-MUSTARD CHICKEN FILLETS PREP TIME: 5MIN COOKING TIME: 10MIN SERVINGS: 4-6 INGREDIENTS 1 tbsp olive oil 1 large red salad onion diced 600g chicken fillets tenderised 1/2tsp salt 1/4 tsp ground black pepper 1 heaped tbsp onion flakes 1 tsp mustard seeds 1 heaped tsp mustard powder 1/2 tsp onion powder 1/2 tbsp honey 1tsp dried rosemary Serve with rice, sweet potato, butternut or side of your choice. INSTRUCTIONS Start by frying the onion in olive oil over medium heat. Once the onion is brown, move to the side of the pan and add the chicken fillets. Before starting with the salt and spice, cook on both sides till the meat is white. Once meat is cooked on both sides start by drizzling the chicken with…

Picture in your mind what a theoretical physicist should look like. You may not know it, but you’re probably imagining Professor John Ellis. In the same way you would expect a 1980s hair-metal guitarist to be all tattoos and perm, a butcher to have a bloody apron, or an IT specialist to wear a sweat-stained Minecraft t-shirt, Prof. Ellis is the living embodiment of a man who probes the boundaries of space and time for a living. His long, white hair blends into his long, white beard. A pair of thin-rimmed spectacles perches at the end of his nose and he has a corduroy jacket slung over the chair in his office. He is even wearing a t-shirt which displays the algebraic equation describing all visible matter in the universe.…

First dates are easy: wear a shirt, have some drinks, make her laugh until she starts flirtatiously twirling spaghetti on her fork, and then get yourselves a taxi. Boom. As a result a lot of the onus is on pre-date rituals: like a boxing match, the game is won in the locker room. Here’s what you do: tidy your room and put fresh sheets down. Brush your teeth twice. Iron your shirt. Clean your toilet. Wear your best shoes because women notice shoes. Relax, idiot. Here’s what you don’t do: spray your balls with Axe. Look her up on Facebook before she’s even added you and mention weirdly knowing things about her past six holidays while on the date. Get drunk and turn up drunk. In the end, she’s just…

Getting wrongly arrested in the UK must be horrible; I wouldn’t know. But I can tell you that getting banged up in a foreign country is terrifying. It happened to me twice – once in Cape Verde, off the coast of West Africa, and again in the Republic of the Congo. I was first arrested the moment I stepped off a rickety fishing canoe with eight Senegalese fishermen at Cape Verde. Looking back, it makes sense why the local police thought I was an international people smuggler: a white Westerner with a boatload of African fishermen. The best way to avoid trouble is to make as many friends as fast as you can. I had to share a 10ftx10ft cell with 11 other men. The fishermen bore me no ill…

Arguments should always be enjoyable, both for the loser and for me. I’m keen that the other person looks back on their defeat with fondness. There’s no definitive list of rhetorical devices that I use to win. I move instinctively and always stay in control. Please don’t try to shout someone down. You can be a ‘force of nature’ in an argument, but browbeating is forbidden. The best way to win is to listen to the other person patiently. You let them make mistakes, squirrel them up and then, when the time is right, calmly deflate their balloon with apparent sweet reason. You can even use facts if you really must. You can win an argument simply by your questions. If you ask the right ones, your opponent will often…

Yeah, you have to do a speech, but you can just print one off from the internet – no one really wants to hear about the time you waxed the groom’s pubes off at a bar in Zante, they just want some generic nonsense about the importance of love. No: the only real job is to throw the best stag party ever. Tailor it to the stag – if he’s outdoorsy, get a lodge, go climbing, then go to the pub. If he’s indoorsy, just go to the pub. Don’t think that every guest wants to take four days out of their lives to go paintballing. Being a best man might sound like a great job, but the reality is being 300 emails into the biggest CC chain on earth,…

How old are you? Are you under 25? Well, you’re still at the age where you can go to the barber and say, “One trendy haircut, please, sir! One haircut that is terrible, but of its time!”. He’ll start dying your fringe blonde or shaving one side vertically down the middle, but don’t worry, you are young – rules do not apply to you. Are you over 25? Then ask for a short back and sides, mate, nothing else. No other option. Grow up. No other option. Ultimately, the only question that matters is, “Do I have enough hair to get away with this any more?” If the answer is no, shave it down to the wood. You are bald, now. You are a bald man. Hey: at least you…

Andy Torbet has huge balls, and we’re not talking about his actual testicles – (these may be abnormally sized but, frankly, that’s none of our business). We’re referring metaphorically to the fearless feats he takes on and conquers by way of a day job. The former Royal Engineer, now a pro explorer – you might recognise him from spots on the BBC’s Coast and The One Show – has scuba-dived flooded Welsh mines, axe-climbed the White Cliffs of Dover and pot-holed his way through the Cave Of Skulls (every bit as terrifying as it sounds). Now, though, the 39-year-old Scot is on his toughest mission yet: to get the British public to embrace the spirit of adventure. Over to Andy… “I’m not about to suggest you lob yourself out of…

A 7/10 FACE You want him to be able to hold the rapt attention of girls, but you also don’t need him being more handsome than you. Consider each of your mates in turn: how strong is their jaw? How pretty are their eyes? Good haircut? Sack them off. Take the 7/10er who doesn’t know how funny he is. THE ABILITY TO HOLD FIVE DRINKS AT ONCE Want to miss your soon-to-be sex partner while you get lost in a bar queue for 20 minutes? You need a mate with incredibly large hands to weave through the crowds fetching drinks for you. QUIET SHOES A good wingman needs stealth skills and poise: he knows when to come to the table with some of that champagne with sparklers in it and…