Innholdsfortegnelse for February 2022 i Viz

◻ I STAYED up late last month to see that International Space Station fly over our house. Quite apart from the disappointment of just seeing a white dot cross the sky, I was very concerned at the speed they appeared to be doing. I don’t care how much NASA has spent at Halfords on spoilers and go-faster stripes, we’ve got speed humps and a 20mph limit on our estate, and I reckon they must have been doing at least 17000mph. I’ll be watching for them again next month and hope to see the police in pursuit. Col P Fawcett, Durham ◻ CHANCELLOR Sunak proved his utter incompetence with the announcement of his Autumn budget. Putting 81p on a bottle of Buckfast, but nothing on meths? That’s about £600 a year…

Receiving messages from the other side has never been quicker, easier or clearer. No more confusion over whether the spirit said the name began with a B or G, or a M or N… Ouija Buds allow you to listen to deceased loved-ones in HiFi-quality stereo sound – The sound is so clear, you’ll think that they were still with you on this side of the veil! No more fingers on top of an upturned glass – Ouija Buds are competely HANDS FREE! “I used to go to Madam Petrulengro, the seventh daughter of a seventh daughter, but she would only ever give me vague answers. With Ouija Buds, it’s crystal clear every time.” Mrs B, Essex “I gave hundreds of pounds to charlatans and huckters, trying to ask my late…

WE’VE all wondered what it would be like to be a Rod For A Day, and our elected members of parliament are no different. That’s why we rounded up four of our all-time favourite political bigwigs and asked them one simple question, comprised of three component parts: if YOU could be any Rod For A Day, what Rod would you be, why would you be it, and what exactly would you DO while you were that Rod For A Day? Stephen Pound, former MP for Ealing North I’m hung like a shire horse, so I’ve always wondered what it would be like to have an incredibly small penis. For that reason, if I could be any Rod For A Day, I’d be outspoken Spectator columnist ROD LIDDLE. I’d spend my…

ALEEDS man who has confessed to stalking himself for 4 years has been warned by a judge to expect a custodial sentence. 52-year-old council roadsweeper Mick Pebbles was enjoying a quiet life when he began to receive threatening letters from himself through the post. “I came home from the pub one afternoon and there were all these letters addressed to me lying on the doormat,” he told the Kippax Rectal Examiner. “They were vile and threatening, saying they knew where I lived, and what time I went to bed.” “And the fact they were written in my own handwriting left me terrified.” officer Pebbles contacted police with his concerns, but the officer he spoke to was unsympathetic and laughed him out of the station. He now believes that the police’s…

Dear Professor Fuck, WHAT DO you call it when someone on the works lavs shitter waits for the hand-driers to go off before parking their breakfast? Luke Moty Newland, Bristol • I would refer Mr Newland to page 139 of Roger’s Profanisaurus - War and Piss (shops, Amazon etc), which includes the following definition: “covering fire n. The act of waiting for someone in a public toilet to turn on the taps or hand-driers before defecating in order to conceal the deafening fall of old shoes from the loft that accompanies the release of one’s flock of pigeons.”…

An Aluminium Water Bottle for EveryEntry that is pulled out of thehat first. It is said that Napoleon Bonaparte ate from an aluminium plate because in those days, aluminium was more precious than gold. So here’s your chance to win a drinking vessel that would have been much more valuable in Napoleonic times than it is today. Send your entry to: Craptic Crossword 312, Viz Comic, PO Box 841, Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ, or email a photo of it to letters@viz.co.uk with ‘Craptic Crossword’ as the subject The first correct entry out of the hat or e-hat on MONDAY 17th JANUARY will win a VIZ COMIC ALUMINIUM WATER BOTTLE, a VIZ CHEAP PEN and a CHEQUE for £50.00. The next 5 entries win the water bottle and pen, but not…

Just tell us they date of the recipient’s birthday and they’ll wake up to a newspaper from that very day. Bring history alive for them as they read what happened in the world the day before their birthday! Prices from £15 (Times, Telegraph) to £75 (Metro, The i) ‘I turned 85 last month and my son got me a Birthday Newspaper as a present. It was fascinating to leaf through its pages and read about the latest developments in the ongoing Brexit negotiations and the current covid stats.’ Mr D, Glasgow ‘My dad’s in his nineties now and it’s so hard to know what to get him, but once I saw your advert our problems were solved. The look on his face as his birthday newspaper transported him back to…

SEXUALLY attractive people have for centuries suffered at the hands of their affliction. But on some occasions, it is other people who fall foul of their allure. IN 1992, Right Said Fred frontman RICHARD FAIRBRASS was shopping in London when he witnessed a taxi pull out of Harewood Place into Oxford Street and run into a number 94 bus heading towards Acton Green. Nobody was injured in the collision, and the taxi driver was blamed for failing to check both ways before pulling out onto the thoroughfare. But it was accepted that Fairbrass’s strong, sexual magnetism had distracted both of the drivers and according to insurers “had played no small part in the cause of the accident.” IN 2003, a light aircraft crashed on landing at Sacramento airport in California.…

WHEN THE NEWS came through that Lionel Blair had passed away, the colour and sparkle drained out of my world. The colour and sparkle drained out of all our worlds. For Lionel was truly the most colourful and sparkleful star in the showbusiness firmament. A dazzling technicolour comet who lit up the sky like a million fireworks with his ebullient personality. He was a home grown Fred Astaire, Ginger Rogers or Jean Kelly, combined with all the poise and sophistication of Margot Fontaine and Rudolph Valentino, topped off with a generous helping of the old-time Vaudeville pizazz (check spelling again) of Sammy Davis Junior and Billy Dainty. Those of us who grew up during the past will always remember his grinning face, his sparkling eyes, his flashing teeth and his…

Across 6 Suck toes (of Rita Ora, apparently) for 8 down (6) 7 Sacred flower poking behind, usually (5) 11 Speak publicly on rogering, and then erections, originally (5) 12 Whip pussy (3) 13 Hairy Peruvian beast porking clamshell, a mapatasi (5) 14 Flipping low lips cleared out - chin varnish! (5) 16 Into filth, a lascivious, sentient computer (3) 17 Star Trek character put penis firstly into woolly semen sack (5) 18 Mountain observed in vag lip, oddly ignored (3) 20 Anus is worn out - stuck here? (7) 21 One’s personal makeup smeared on vagina, ultimately (1,1,1) 22 Lovers, Emperor and Magician, say, love penetrating harlot (5) 23 Fuck rear of male, then two females (3) 24 See19Down 26 Tool that spins, going in and out? (5) 27…

ADELE has wowed her fans with her latest release 30, named after her age at a pivotal time in her life. The acclaimed album sees the pop diva bare her soul, with tracks addressing the subjects of separation, motherhood and the price of fame in a naked and honest way. And by fantastic coincidence, the album hit shop shelves just a few weeks before South Yorkshire delivery driver Stan Merridew plans to release his own similarly raw and emotional body of work entitled 66. Throughout lockdown, Doncaster resident Stan has been laying down tracks to address the issues facing him as he prepares for his retirement, and he hopes that the half dozen raw, uncompromising, and deeply personal songs on his album will resonate with listeners. “You don’t get to…

THE BBC has announced a bold new fantasy plotline for EastEnders later this year which they hope will thrill watchers of the popular BBC1 soap, and draw in a new audience of sci-fi fans. The daring new storyline will see Sharon Watts discover a strange portal behind The Queen Vic, through which she travels back in time in an attempt to convince her teenage rock group The Banned not to split up. Back in 1986, the primetime soap’s viewers were enthralled when youthful characters Sharon Watts, Ian Beale, Kevin Carpenter and Ian ‘Wicksy’ Wicks formed a musical group. Subsequent episodes chronicled The Banned’s career – from their disastrous debut gig in the Queen Vic, through all the arguments over musical differences and direction. The storyline came to an end when…