Innholdsfortegnelse for December/Jan 2022 i Viz

The 2022 ANNUAL 0ver 226 pages (ie, 226 pages, 4 fly-leaves and a front and back cover) packed with all the best bits of issues 282-291 “I believe The Copper’s Torch will prove invaluable in getting the nation through the forthcoming Winter of Discontent.” Hampton Doubleday, Viz editor The Copper’s Torch is now available at Waterstones, WHSmith, all good bookshops, some shit ones, supermarkets and the internet if you think Jeff Bezos hasn’t got enough money yet.…

In a world where everyone shouts their opinion, it’s good to listen. That’s where The Week comes in – it’s a unique magazine that brings open-minded readers the best of all the world’s media, curated from over 200 news sources, into one balanced, concise and entertaining read. Join over 300,000 readers today and enjoy your first 6 issues (worth over £23) absolutely free. SCAN TO ORDER Try your first 6 issues for free Visit subscription.theweek.co.uk or call 0330 333 9494 Terms & conditions: Your first 6 issues are free, then £51.87 £38.75 every 13 issues for a print only subscription, saving 25% on the shop price. Direct Debit payment. For overseas prices see our website. Calls charged at your standard network rate. Your subscription is protected by our Money-Back Guarantee.…

LONDONERS were appalled this morning to discover that instead of their usual gift of a giant Christmas tree, the people of Norway had given Britain’s capital city a SELECTION BOX. The Scandinavian nation has, for the past 74 years, supplied a mighty 20 metre fir tree to stand in Trafalgar Square, as a gesture of thanks for the UK’s assistance during World War II. However, this year the evergreen giant has been replaced by a £2.99 Cadbury’s chocolate selection box. “We’re trying to make the best of it,” said London’s Mayor, Sadiq Khan. “But we’re all really, really disappointed.” “When the police told me a selection box had appeared in place of the usual tree, I thought they meant a giant one, which would have been something,” he said. “But it’s…

An Aluminium Water-Bottle-Our Christmas Gift to YOU. Possibly Thisyear, six lucky Viz Craptic Crossword Competition entrants will have the best Christmas ever, as they winone of the sefantastic Viz Aluminium Water Bottles. The objects of desire cannot be bought anywhere, unless aprevious winner has stuck theirs on eBay, so enter now for YOUR chance to win. Send your entry to: Craptic Crossword 311, Viz Comic, PO Box 841, Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ, or email a photo of it to letters@viz.co.uk with ‘Craptic Crossword’ as the subject The first correct entry out of the hat or e-hat on MONDAY 13th DECEMBER will win a VIZ COMIC ALUMINIUM WATER BOTTLE, a VIZ CHEAP PEN and a CHEQUE for £50.00. The next 5 entries win the water bottle and pen, but not the money. And…

letters@viz.co.uk ON A RECENT visit to Denmark I saw this remarkable poster inside a bus. Needless to say, I put my foot through the bus window and was hospitalised for a considerable amount of time. However, I was perfectly fine and I didn’t even have to pay any medical bills because of the excellent public health system in Scandinavia. Do I win five Krone? Reginald Chaos, email NOW THAT Who Do You Think You Are has informed us that comedian Josh Widdicombe is descended from Henry VIII, it somehow makes all the trouble the tyrannical fat fucker caused in his desperate quest for a male heir seem even more ridiculous. Steve Crouch, Peterborough I RECENTLY started writing a musical about Brenda Blethyn simply called Brenda. However, I had to stop because I…

profanisaurus@viz.co.uk arsejection moulding n. The kind of sit down toilet adventure that requires you to tease your nipsy back into roughly the right shape afterwards. A humpty dumpty that changes the way you walk. See also (like a) hedgehog through a cheesegrater. ballistics n. The science of jizzbolts. bet Freds n. A tight group of loud, Lynx-deodorant smelling, thirty-something men - who only refer to each other by nicknames - hanging around the bar in amomentarily trendy establishment. bio-break 1. n. Term used by business wankers when they need to have a five minute interregnum between meetings in order to answer the call of nature. 2. n. A monkey’s fagbreak. bring down the gavel 1. phr. What an auctioneer on Bargain Hunt does in order to bring everyone’s suffering to a close. 2. n. The…

By our, and indeed everyone else’s, Travel Correspondent AFTER years of debate, MPs last night finally gave the green light for work to begin on a controversial third Heathrow runway for Simon Calder. The decision came as fears mounted that without it, the ubiquitous Independent holiday correspondent’s air travel may not return to normal levels until 2024. Ministers believe that having a third runway for exclusive use by the travel writer would help allay the public’s concerns over the state of the airliner industry. Speaking to This Morning about the scrapping of the EHIC card, Calder said the announcement made sense, but advised the firms tendering for the construction work on the runway to read their contracts carefully. “People potentially working on the new runway should consider investing in a…

Dear Mickey, MY AUNTIE is terminally ill and I suspect that she may pop her clogs sometime this week. I was just wondering how long is it after she goes before I can have a wank without it seeming disrespectful. I love her very much, but I also love to have a nice wank. Billy Beaujangles, Goole Mickey says…That is a difficult one, Mr Beaujangles. If it was someone extremely close to you who had died, such as your mother, sister or wife, then you should not have a strum of any sort for at least a week. In the case of an auntie, it all depends on the closeness of your relationship, but I think you should refrain from any form of self abuse for at least 48 hours. Unless…

SITTING on the thunderbox straining against Christmas constipation is an unwelcome festive tradition, and unfortunately it’s also an extremely common one. A report in the British Medical Association’s journal The Lancet says that almost 68% of the population will get a faecal back-up at this most magical time of the year, a consequence of our modern, stressful holiday season. A much older, and more welcome festive tradition is the telling of ghost stories, which have been thrilling old and young alike at Christmas since the Victorian era. So we’ve decided to use one of these traditions to put an end to the other. And we’ve teamed up with top performance ghost story teller and writer Robert Lloyd Parry to scare the shit out of three lucky constipated readers this Christmas.…

WE see men going through their midlife crisis every day; whether it’s making lewd comments to women 20 years their junior in the workplace, taking out finance on a Testarossa at the Ferrari showroom, or shouting ill-researched bullshit through a megaphone on the street corner. But before you point and laugh, have you considered that YOU might be going through the male menopause? All men experience a midlife crisis at some point in their lives, and you could be going through yours right now. So why not take our fun quiz to find out? Simply answer the following questions truthfully, tot up your answers, and see if you are going through a male pattern midlife meltdown. 1. How would you describe your facial hair? a. Clean shaven. There’s not really…

Across 6 Gorilla salad I put on stool behind the Slug and Lettuce? (5,4) 8 Fish in Billingsgate box, a bollock sent back (4) 10 Position round crack, a bedpan! (7) 11 Crappy shit problem back in Panama, say? (7) 12 Wayne’s Rooster caught on bog, unfortunately, large container (7) 14 Movement characteristic around nuts when emptied (7) 15 Porking gentlewomen, I lovingly fuck all (3) 17 Hideous grunt by copper in muff wig (4,3) 18 With force, fuck sheep (3) 19 Shocker in legal action for anchor man in a bum train (7) 20 Requirement for builder producing erection? (4,3) 22 Apostle residing in Laun-dromat (the wanker) (7) 23 Vomit (virtually) covering middle of blouse? Correct! (7) 25 Gas inside Wayne, onanist (4) 26 Head in dunghole, a bloody depraved…