Innholdsfortegnelse for November 2021 i Viz

THE PHOTO of Mick Wragg on page 38 of issue 309 is in fact Jack Elam, the well-known American actor who usually played villains in westerns. Don’t forget that old fuckers with long memories like me read your publication. Gypsum Jim, East Leake I WOULDN’T consider myself a vaccine sceptic, but before I had the jab I would often win at least a fiver every time I bought some scratchcards. But since I’ve had my second jab, I’ve bought 20 scratchies and haven’t won a sausage. So there has to be something going on that the government is hiding from us. Graham Flintoft, Gatesheed IMAGINE my disappointment after having recently found out that Michael Bolton never actually played for Bolton. It’s a shame really, as I think he would have made a…

SUE BARKER, national treasure I don’t usually bother with Trick or Treating. But if I do go, I’ll go as Leatherface out of Texas Chainsaw Massacre. It’s a right laugh and it shits the local kids up something rotten. I’ll typically cut some eye-holes in a slice of supermarket ham or turkey for the cannibalistic human face mask. Then I’ll chuck on a ketchup-spattered suit and pirouette wildly through the streets, revving a leaf blower and howling psychotically until my neighbours give me sufficient Haribos to make me fuck off. LAURENCE FOX, free speech advocate and twat This October 31st, I’ll be going Trick or Treating as the one thing the PC-crazed liberal elite fear most: a straight white male who dares to speak his mind. The Trotskyite woke mob…

The 25-year-old roofer from Essex captured the hearts of the nation after sticking a lighted flare up his arse and posing for photographs outside Wembley Stadium. He later described the reasons for his action as a desire to bring Englands fans together and cheer them up after Covid. “It was a remarkable gesture,” said London Mayor Sadiq Khan. “Arse Flare Man put himself in harm’s way in order to bring a smile to the face of a nation which desperately needed cheering up.” “It is for that reason that we asked him to once again bring that joy by officially starting our New Year fireworks extravaganza,” he added. But whilst Arse Flare Man’s heroic footballing gesture was a spontaneous act, his New Year’s Eve role will be an exercise in…

IN AN unusual moment of Parliamentary consensus, both sides of the House passed a bill yesterday making it an offence for anyone watching fireworks to explain why you see rockets explode seconds before you hear them. The Private Member’s Bill was put before the house by Labour backbencher Iris Coppersmith on Thursday and passed its first reading unopposed. It will go automatically to its second reading without amendments some time before Christmas. “My constituents going to see the fireworks were fed up with repeatedly having to listen to some arsehole explaining why you see them go off before you hear them,” said Ms Coppersmith, who has represented the constituency of Barnton East for 20 years. “This new bill will allow people to just watch the fireworks without some bell-end giving…

2021 has been the strangest of years, hard on the heels of the strangest of years we had last year. This unrelenting pandemic has claimed thousands of lives, the British economy is on the brink of collapse, and Nandos has run out of chicken. But a beacon of hope shines through the gloom and uncertainty, aray of light in the form of The Copper’s Torch, the familiar friend that is the Christmas annual from Viz. We’ve taken issues 282-291, thrown out all the rubbish and kept the good bits, and we’ve still managed to fill 228 pages. Amongst the gems that have made the cut are… • Exciting Adventure Stories: Big Daddy versus ISIS, Bruce Willis’s Quest for a Vest, The SpringWatch Mysteries and The Topless Speed Freaks. • Informative Articles: Who was…

Across 7 Standard measure, one filling minge that hasn’t opened (4) 8 Running on wet wood, cable laid by creator of wizard, we hear? (3,7) 10 Lady fucking off her trolley? (4) 11 First of spooge swallowed by James - that’s it! (4) 12 Lube between flanges of temptress works (5) 14 Eleven from Scotland buggering up arse, ring requiring one to withdraw (7) 15 Bollock I left in middle of pier, not effective (7) 16 Without bubbles, American botty burps (6) 18 Tit wank, setter panting perhaps? (3,3) 21 Initially poking arsehole, upset shaking stick (5,2) 23 See13Down 25 Fanny a joke! (5) 26 Dubious moment, beginning to jerk off first (4) 27 Observe vag in every window, all opening (4) 28 What croupier is doing making a fucking bomb…

ANOTTINGHAM who ordered their usual Friday night takeaway got more than they bargained for last week, when their food was delivered to them by a zombie! George and Karen Presstuds had called Aesop’s Fabled Pizzas in West Bridgeford and paid the extra to have their order - a 12-inch deep-dish margherita with mushrooms and a side of garlic bread - delivered to their door. couple The peckish couple, who were told their order would be with them in 30 minutes, began looking forward to their food. But little did they know it was to be a Friday TV and pizza night like no other. “The bell rang at about quarter to eight, and I went to the door while George got the plates,” said Karen. “I’d already got the right…

DURING the war, my grandma worked in a dildo factory, and naturally, there was some very bawdy humour among the girls on the production line due to the nature of their work. Each member of staff was issued with a phallus-shaped ‘clock card’ which was obviously a source of amusement. After she’d had a few sherries at Christmas, we would ask our grandma to tell us the term that she used for ‘clocking in’ and ‘clocking off. Unfortunately, she had no sense humour at all and simply referred to it as ‘punching in’ and ‘punching out’. Doris Antimony, Leeds MY GRANDMA used to worked for a company that was formed as a result of the merger of two separate local businesses run by Barry Cock and Jimmy Balls. When they merged…

MICHAEL Parkinson was born in the village of Cudworth, near Barnsley, only 200 miles from the birthplace of pop-jazz legend Jamie Cullum. His early life was dominated by his two passions: cricket and jazz, but he often expressed frustration at the lack of crossover between the pop and jazz genres. The world would have to wait a full 50 years for the launch of Jamie Cullum’s genre-defining debut album Heard it all Before. IN THE 1960s, Michael made the switch from print journalism to broadcasting. Working in music radio, he pursued his interest in jazz, though at this point Jamie Cullum was completely unknown to the public due to the fact that he wasn’t born until 1979. Regardless, Michael found many other recording artists in the genre to play on his…

MY NEIGHBOURhad some fireworks in his back garden last bonfire night, and I watched them from my bedroom window. The following day he came round to my house and presented me with a bill for £40 - half of what he had paid for the fireworks. I questioned the bill, as he had seven people watching in his garden, and I told him that at most I should pay £10 – one eighth of the bill. But he said that in law, it was the number of households watching the display which was important. Is he correct, as I don’t want to fall foul of this law again? BRIAN Lundberg, Crewe Quercus says… This is a grey area of the law. You could argue that you should pay nothing, as…

ZANY Hollywood A-lister Christopher Walken has announced plans to take a year out of acting in order to fulfil a lifelong dream-to destroy America’s tech capital Silicon Valley! Walken originally came up with his project thirty years ago, but he couldn’t pursue his ambitious plan due to filming commitments. But when his latest film Wild Mountain Thyme went into post production in 2020, the New York born actor decided that it was now or never. “I’m not getting any younger,” he told Variety magazine. “And if I’m ever going to destroy the centre of computer technology, I think I’d better get on with it,” he added. underground Walken outlined his plans for the destruction of the northern California-based tech area, which involve planting underground explosive devices beneath several lakes near the…

AN ACTOR IS REQUIRED to stand in for busy parliamentary members who are away performing other unspecified, but important duties. The successful candidate will be required to fail to answer questions on current topics put to them by members of the press. This is a fantastic opportunity to meet television and news presenters including Laura Kuenssberg, Nick Robinson and Katya Adler. The successful candidate will: No political knowledge is required as a parrot sheet of the single answer to any question will be provided. You will also be provided with a selection of coloured ties as you may be required to deputise for members from any parliamentary party. Apply in the first instance by sending a video clip of yourself delivering the line, “Well, what I will say…

EXPLOSIVE EXCLUSIVE! The show at Tipton Cricket Club was about halfway through when the incident occurred, leaving the crowd, who had paid £2 each and £1 for children, holding their breath. Display organiser Bernie Robespierre had walked over to a large Roman candle in the middle of the cricket field and lit it with a safety lighter held at arm’s length, before retiring to a safe distance. The crowd of around 70 people watched and waited for the firework to burst into life, blasting golden sparks 15 feet into the air, crackling as they rained down to earth. But after 10 seconds nothing had happened. Mr Robespierre, who has organised the display at the cricket ground for the last 30 years, knew that under no circumstances should he return to…

A GUY Fawkes night addict who goes by the name of “Mr. Bonfire” has been given an Anti-Social Behaviour Order and banned from launching fireworks on any night except November 5th after celebrating Bonfire Night EVERY SINGLE EVENING for the past twenty years. Councillors in the Derbyshire village of Monkbottle finally intervened after exasperated neighbours organised an online petition to see resident Guy Bonfire’s nightly pyrotechnic extravaganza come to an end. The Bonfire Night-mad former plasterer had been the subject of thousands of complaints from neighbours over the years. But councillors finally decided to act when his nightly conflagrations got out of control, resulting in the fire service being called out four times in a single week. Bonfire, who changed his name by deed poll from Noel Christmas in 2007, says…

A GROUP of angry Hollywood A-listers have written an open letter to Nicola Sturgeon, pleading with the Scottish First Minister to either bring school holidays north of the border in line with those in England and Wales or cancel them altogether. The plea was penned after some of Tinseltown’s biggest names - including Quentin Tarantino, Samuel L Jackson, Bette Midler and Charlize Theron - had their summer breaks ruined after forgetting that Scottish schoolchildren break up a full three weeks before their counterparts in the rest of the UK. sun Speaking to The Santa Monica Mercury and Advertiser, two-time Oscar winner Robert De Niro said he had planned a quiet break in the sun with his wife at the end of June before the school holidays started, and when he…

profanisaurus@viz.co.uk blobnoxious adj. Stroppy due to women’s things. ‘In his autobiography, Burton claimed that his sixth divorce from Taylor was due to her blobnoxious behaviour on the set of Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf.’ Bob’s brush euph. A thoroughly ruined tool after a thirty-minute session of stippling and a plunge into a liquescent vessel, before being hastily withdrawn and slapped vigorously from side to side. A reference to the late, frizzy-barnetted and fanny-chopped televisual landscape artiste Bob Ross cleaning his painterly bristles. bog body n. A substantial and leathery Richard the third that’s the approximate size and colour of the mummified human remains regularly found buried in peaty areas of Ireland and Scandinavia. boiler ticket 1. n. Ten-year safety certificate issued for a pressure vessel on a steam locomotive. 2. n. A nominal free…

THE ART WORLD was in turmoil last night after the panel of judges for the 2021 Turner Prize controversially awarded the accolade… to themselves! It was the first time in the prestigious award’s history that the five-strong panel has awarded the prize to itself. merit “The nominations all had their own merit, and any one could justifibly have won,” said panel chair Ellen Spanby. “Araminta Bollux’s photograph of some fallen leaves entitled The Cycle of Temporary Loss and Eternal Rejuvenation was very moving, and challenged our preconceptions about permanance and transitoryness,” she said. greed “And Tim Boolshite’s pinecone sitting on a five pound note, entitled Economy and Gymnospermae was a strong and thought-provoking metaphor for the greed that is destroying our planet,” she added. “But in the end, we thought…