Innholdsfortegnelse for October 2021 i Viz

STAR LETTER □ DOES ANYONE know what electric eels were called before electricity was discovered? I’d google it myself, but I’m in prison on a terrorism charge after calling Priti Patel “Vinegar Tits” on Twitter. Leo Stitch, Belmarsh □ I WAS at the Clifton Rocks Railway in Bristol today, and their leaflet goes on about celebrity visits from John Craven, Michael Portillo and Peter Davey in the past. A 1970s children’s news presenter, a former Tory MP who lost a safe seat, and somebody I’ve never heard of are such modest visitors to boast about that I felt rather sorry for them. I wonder if there are any better stars who could lend their weight to this tourist attraction. Huber Dentrisangle, Hull * Well, let’s hope so, Mr Dentrisangle. Are you…

□ IN REPLY to C Hawtrey’s letter complaining that no one laughs like Sid James any more, I’m delighted to inform him that I actually do, although I can’t think of a way to prove it via a letters page, unless this month’s Viz is some sort of ‘musical card’ issue, but that all seems like too much to organise, so you’ll just have to trust me. Gary Ireland, Tauranga □ SOME PEOPLE do still laugh like Sid James. My mate Paul Pavely for instance. I’m sorry this isn’t funnier, but it is accurate Alister, email…

In a world where everyone shouts their opinion, it’s good to listen. That’s where The Week comes in – it’s a unique magazine that brings open-minded readers the best of all the world’s media, curated from over 200 news sources, into one balanced, concise and entertaining read. Join over 300,000 readers today and enjoy your first 6 issues (worth over £23) absolutely free. SCAN TO ORDER Try your first 6 issues for free Visit subscription.theweek.co.uk or call 0330 333 9494 Terms & conditions: Your first 6 issues are free, then £51.87 £38.75 every 13 issues for a print only subscription, saving 25% on the shop price. Direct Debit payment. For overseas prices see our website. Calls charged at your standard network rate. Your subscription is protected by our Money-Back Guarantee.…

THE NOBLE game of chess has fascinated mankind ever since we lived in caves and hunted dinosaurs. We all know how to play, but knowing the rules and understanding the game are two different things entirely. Not everyone can be a grandmaster, but by applying one or two changes and learning a few tricks, we can all play at a higher level. Here are a few tips to help you improve your game… 1. GET PLENTY OF SLEEP CHESS is the most cerebral of games, and a tired brain will play less well than a fresh, well-rested one. If you have a game coming up, perhaps at home with a friend, or in the park with a stranger, take a couple of days off work beforehand and stay in bed.…

it’s just a few Pricks with a Needle! The Gang are Back for Another Dose… Screenplay by MATT HANCOCK’S SISTER Directed by MATT HANCOCK’S SISTER’S HUSBAND Produced by A BLOKE WHO RUNS THE PUB MATT HANCOCK GOES TO IN CINEMAS NOW!…

Dear AB of C, IN THE Bible, it says God made man in His own image. So, does this mean that He invented mirrors before He invented men? Agnes Secret-Side, Sheam The AB of C says: “Not necessarily, Agnes. God may well have invented some other sort of reflective object first – such as water, teaspoons or the back of a CD – and then used that to look upon His own mighty countenance and sketch a blueprint from which to create man. But don’t forget, God is three people in one, so He could simply have looked at one of His other forms, such as Jesus or the Holy Ghost, and created man from that description. But on the other hand, yes, He could well have invented mirrors first…

RECEDING hairline? Shave your eyebrows off and paint them back on further up your forehead, thus reducing the space between brow and hairline. As your hairline continues to recede, simply rub off the brows and paint them on a little higher. Yammy Fitzgibbon, Mid Yell CONFOUND over zealous law enforcement officers by walking around with your body attached to the negative terminal of a car battery. In the event of being tasered, not only are you rendered invulnerable to the electricity, but the battery is charged up at the same time. Simon Measures, Dover WORKPLACES. Increase overall productivity by installing faster internet in the bogs. Eldon Furse, email SHED owners. Raise money by holding an ‘Open Shed’ day each year and giving guided tours to interested neighbours. Viola Golfer, Wrexham…

BACK IN 1996, IBM’s flagship chess-playing computer took the world by storm when it became the first machine to beat a human being – Garry Kasparov – in the first of six time-controlled games. The human grandmaster eventually went on to beat his electronic opponent 4-2 in the series. But the following year, following a programming upgrade which saw it capable of evaluating 200 million moves each second, the machine made history by winning the rematch 3½-2½. But what happened to it after that? And where is it now? Here’s the timeline of events surrounding the world’s most powerful chess computer… 1989: Deep Blue is constructed at Carnegie Mellon University in Pennsylvania, and undergoes 7 years of testing and development 1996: The machine takes on Garry Kasparov in a 6-game match,…

MONEYSAVING EXPERT (AND NEWSREADER) MARTYN LEWIS SHOWS YOU HOW TO PLAY CHESS is a game that can be enjoyed by anyone - if they can afford to buy a chess set, that is. With hand-carved Javan ebony and golden oak Staunton chess sets costing thousands of pounds, and solid gold and silver sets many times more, chess is a game that is out of reach to all but the extremely wealthy. But it needn’t be. With a little imagination and ingenuity, you could have yourselves a perfectly good chess set for nothing, using things you find around your home. Happy Chessing, Martyn xx NEXT WEEK: Martyn explains how to make your wife a stylish merkin using an old Brillo pad and double-sided sticky tape.…

HOT ON the heels of Richard Branson, Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk, Apple founder STEVE JOBS is the latest billionaire businessman to set his sights on a trip into space. The late tech boss, who died a decade ago at the age of 52, is understood to have ploughed more than $10 billion of his own fortune into developing a sophisticated rocket capable of carrying his ghost into low-earth orbit. Speaking from a haunted grandfather clock at his state-of-the-art launch facility in the Mojave desert, Jobs told ESPN’s Doris Stokes: “Other billionaires have had to overcome the force of gravity in order to get them out of the earth’s atmosphere. But I calculate that the cost of lifting my weightless, see-through wraith up into space should be much less.” “I’m…

EVERY YEAR, we all pay out excessive sums of money for car insurance, and at the same time we all like to think that we are a Romeo between the sheets. But according a recent report, uninsured male drivers are some of Britain’s best lovers. And, if they are driving a car that is untaxed and with no MOT, their performance in bed can only be described as supercharged. SEXCLUSIVE! These are the findings of an independent study commissioned, written and published by a Solihull-based carpet fitter who wants to break the stigma around uninsured motorists. Mick Wragg, who is 6 months into a 2-year ban for driving whilst disqualified, claims that cancelling his insurance policy has done wonders for his love life. “Ask any of the ladies in the…

Across 7 Royal couple fuck around (9) 9 Man milk in guts? (5) 10 The sac’s bollocks on top of laundry bag (7) 11 Time entertained by warm pissflaps and pork swords etc so? (7) 12 Japanese believer is not spattered in feeshus (9) 13 Marines: hot fucking unit (5) 15 Thunder box where performer of Horatio comes backwards (3) 16 Peach buggered: that is something shabby (7) 18 Bint wiping rear - something sticky? (3) 19 Trump’s problems grabbing cunts, primarily, in marriage (5) 21 Cloth turned over in search for cum that tickles one’s tonsils (3,6) 22 See25 23 Nice evening after drink knocked back in uriinal (7) 25/22 Subject of Botticelli and sculpture of Michelangelo inspiring ridicule originally with Penny - fat slag catching flies? (5,3,4) 26…

WE ALL know exactly where we were at the moment when we heard the tragic news that President John F Kennedy had been shot; mown down in Deeley Plaza, Dallas by Lee Harvey Oswald on November 23rd 1963. We all know exactly where we were at the moment when we heard the tragic news that King of Rock’n’Roll Elvis Alan Presley had died on the toilet; slain by his own bottom on (subs fill in date i think it was 197ty somthing) And we all know exactly where we were at the moment when we heard the tragic news that Princess of Whales Lady Diana Spencer was dead; tragically assassinated at the hands of a Fiat Uno on (august was it 19? i cant rember look it up Lloyd) And…

OLD MRS McTweed had been the victim of a callous robbery in the high street, and a suspect had been arrested. In a nervous state, she went along to Glenpeebles police station to see if she could pick the perpetrator out of a line-up. “Do you see the villain who took your handbag?” asked Sergeant Greenock. AFTER profuse apologies to Mrs McTweed, Sergeant Greenock took his amorous four-legged friend to Mr McKay, the village veterinary surgeon. “In with ye, lad. You’re goin’ tae have your nuts aff… and nae a’fore time,” he said. “That should take the lead oot o’ that wee pencil o’ yours.” THE RANDY mutt made straight for Mrs Tompkins’ cat Whiffles, who was suffering from an eye infection. “Och, Greenock! Get your dog aff ma cat!”…

NAIL a banana to the inside of your front and back doors as a useful reminder of where the exits are. Then, in case of fire, simply follow the banana. Glen Hattersley, Stockport TV VIEWERS. Pretend you live in your favourite soap opera by imagining getting a doctor’s appointment the same day, and a police officer being arsed to come to your house for any and every minor incident. Eldon Furse, Leeds 1970s Housewives. A frying pan makes an excellent chastisement tool for an errant husband. If you don’t have a frying pan, a rolling pin will do. Fluff Freeman, Halebarns BOXERS. Place a dog toy inside each of your gloves to create a squeak every time you land a punch. This will confuse your opponent and give you an…

IT’S APRIL 1945, and you are a soldier with the Allied Forces in Berlin, fighting against the nazi menace. You burst into Hitler’s bunker to find that the Führer has shot himself in the head and then set himself on fire. However, before committing these two final acts, he has made himself a sandwich, which now sits on the countertop in the bunker kitchen. Battle weary, you haven’t eaten in 24 hours. Hitler’s girlfriend Eva Braun is dead, and his SS guards aren’t hungry, so the sandwich is going spare. The question you have to ask yourself is this: Knowing that it was made by the world’s most evil man, could you in all conscience eat that sandwich? We went on the street to see what YOU would do. “I WOULD definitely not eat…

NETFLIX series The Queen’s Gambit was the smash TV hit of 2020, telling the tale of Beth Harmon, an orphan from Lexington, Kentucky, who embarks on a meteoric journey which ends in her being crowned World Chess Champion. And although it was a work of fiction, the story eerily mimics the life of a former launderette manager from Spennymoor in County Durham. And now 38-year-old Calvin Weedol plans to SUE the billion-dollar streaming giant for telling the story of his life without permission, claiming £1500 in full and final settlement to compensate for the mental stress of seeing himself portrayed on screen. “It was a good series, don’t get me wrong,” Weedol told The Spennymoor and Staindrop Flugelhorn. “But they should of asked my permission before rolling the cameras.” According…

Elon Musk, Richard Branson and Bill Gates aren’t the only business big-shots who are pissing their profits up the wall by blasting off into a really low bit of the infinite celestial cosmos. The lure of interplanetary adventure and the chance to float gravity-free for a couple of minutes is now proving irresistible to space-mad go-getters from all parts of the business world. We asked some of Britain’s well-heeled bosses about their plans to journey to Infinity and beyond… Levi Roots I ALWAYS remem-ber watching Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin taking their first steps on the lunar surface and dreaming about travelling into space myself. Half a century later, it finally feels as if my boyhood dream of flying among the stars could finally be about to come true. If I…

Viz Scientist Dr Oud Scodheim from the University of Lund explains the concept of Correlation and Causation. WHEN TWO THINGS happen at the same time, it is human nature to assume that one is somehow a result of the other. But this is not necessarily the case. Ice cream sales go up at exactly the same time and the same rate as shark attacks, but it would be foolish to think that they are related; both of these activities are linked to temperature, but not to each other. So can cancelling your car insurance be the cause of improved sexual performance? Theoretically, yes, but it does not automatically follow simply because the two things occur simultaneously. The only way to demonstrate a causative link between these two correlated events would…

Win an Aluminium Water Bottle and Save the Planet! Here at Viz, we’ve had it with our very existence being threatened by climate change caused by plastic bottles and we’re going to put a stop to it. So we’re giving the winners of our Profanisaurus Crossword one of these fantastic Global Warming-busting Aluminium drinks cannisters Send your entry to: Craptic Crossword 309, Viz Comic, PO Box 841, Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ, or email a photo of it to letters@viz.co.uk with ‘Craptic Crossword’ as the subject The first correct entry out of the hat or e-hat on MONDAY 27th SEPTEMBER will win a VIZ COMIC ALUMINIUM WATER BOTTLE, a VIZ CHEAP PEN and a CHEQUE for £50.00. The next 5 entries win the same, but will have a £50 administration fee…