Innholdsfortegnelse for September 2021 i Viz

NEWLY appointed Health Secretary Savid Javid yesterday hinted that there may have to be a delay to the beginning of the winter 20/21 winter flu season. The popular virus usually kicks off around the middle of October, but like many things, it has been hard hit by the Coronovirus pandemic. And news of the delay has come as a blow to fans of the bug, who have been counting down the days over the summer. Lifelong flu fan Mick Snorkle has renewed his flu jab every year for the past 20 seasons, but thinks that this year he may not bother. “This year, I may not bother,” he said. cancelled In a statement, the health secretary said that there was no chance this year’s flu cases would be cancelled, and…

LAST MONTH we heard One Britain, One Nation sung for the first time. This wonderful and inspiring anthem sings of Britain’s place in the world as a shining example of fairness, tolerance and respect. The vast majority of us listened with a lump in our throat, and the Department of Education backed the song and suggested that it should be sung each morning in schools. Not surprisingly, your letters about it have come flooding in. Of course, there were a few unpatriotic nay-sayers who wrote in critical of this anthem to patriotism, and we put their traitorous missives straight in the fucking bin. …I think One Britain, One Nation is a marvellous song. It tells of what a wonderful country we are, of our great democracy, and our tolerance and…

ONCE AGAIN, at a major tournament, England’s eleven Three Lions came unstuck at the penalty stage. After battling through 6 tough games, it all came down to spot kicks, and Italy held their nerve and lifted the trophy. Immediately, the criticism of the penalty shootout as a means of deciding a game began. And it seems that whilst there is no consensus on the best way of deciding a deadlocked match, everyone agrees that the current method used by UEFA is far from satisfactory. We went on the street to ask how YOU would decide a tied game… “IF MATCHES finished as soon as somebody scored a goal instead of dragging it out to ninety minutes, then they would never end in a draw. If UEFA had used this system, England…

WHEN a Bristol couple tied the knot at their local church last week, it was no ordinary wedding. That’s because the happy couple, the vicar, and the entire congregation were on scooters. Scooter-mad lovebirds Tony and Kim Chalmondly met at the Bristol Scooter Society, and have both been fans of the two wheeled vehicles for years. So it seemed natural that when they made their vows, they, and all their guests were riding scooters. was “It was a wonderful day,” said newly married Tony. “I’ll always remember the butterflies I had as I was standing at the altar along with the vicar and my best man, all on scooters.” And three minutes late, as is the tradition, his bride-to-be, her father and four bridesmaids all scooted down the aisle of St…

Have you thought about how your loved ones will cope after your death? Of course you have. But have you thought about how YOU will cope after you die? Afterlife Assurance is the UK’s biggest post-death insurer, with thousands of satisfied customers in the Great Beyond. If YOU are incapacitated on the other side due to accident, injury or illness, Afterlife Assurance will take care of your finances to give you eternal peace of mind. “I tripped on a loose cloud on my second day in purgatory and I couldn’t walk for six aeons. Afterlife Assurance paid a lump sum which kept me going until I was back on my ethereal feet again.” The late Mr B, formerly of Essex “I got laid off from my ethereal realm job in an…

IMAGINE waking up one morning and looking in the mirror to find you have of turned into a dog. At some point in our lives, each and every one of us has wondered what it would be like to be canine for 24 hours, and anyone who says they haven’t is either lying or is already a dog. We’ve “hounded” up (rounded up) four of our fave A-Listers to ask them one simple question – if you were A Dog For A Day, what sort of dog would you be and what would you do if you were A Dog For A Day? JAMES MARTIN, telly gastronome I RARELY MENTION IT, but I was born and raised in God’s Own County – Yorkshire! So if I could be any sort…

WITH HIS matinee idol good looks, taste for the high life and rock’n’roll life style, Northern Irish foot baller George Best was of ten called “the fifth Beatle.” But his namesake – Liver pudlian drummer Pete Best – could also lay legitimate claim to that title after his two-and-a-half years playing with the Fab Four in Hamburg just before the group hit the 60s big time. Well now it’s time to climb aboard a Viz Magical Mystery Tour of head-to-head contests to discover just which of this Fab Two is the best Best. Scores will be awarded, and at the end they’ll be added together so that – in the words of the group’s “Best”-selling 1965 double-A-side with Day tripper – We Can Work It Out. GEORGE BORN on May…

profanisaurus@viz.co.uk aroma diffuser 1. n. A scientific device that breaks “essential oils” down into smaller molecules, dispersing them into the air for a pleasant or calming effect on the gullible. 2. n. The arsehole. Barbie’s minge sim. Something with a particularly difficult or troublesome mode of entry. ‘Gentlemen, make no mistake. The castle will be heavily guarded. I warn you now, it’wil be like getting into Barbie’s minge.’ BHM 1. abbrev. IATA code for Birmingham Intern ational Air port. 2. abbrev. The ne plus ultra of ladies who prefer it au naturelle; Big HairyMinge. Also biffer, Davy Crockett hat, Terry Waite’s allotment. blank canvas n. A lovely, freshly cleaned toilet. break the ministerial code 1. v. To infringe parliamentary rules and standards; a breach of trust which would get the rest of us sacked and possibly…

󿿽 COULD the IT technicians at Adobe please remove the window that keeps popping up saying “InDesign unexpectedly quit”? I know it’s fucking quit because everything disappears off my screen and I have to start it up again. And it happens so often, it’s not actually that unexpected. Hector Plantpots, Goole 󿿽 WHY ONearth do American drill sergeants insist on telling their soldiers to march “left, left, left, right, left”? Surely having to do two little skips between steps puts them at a disadvantage against any enemy troops that use the more conventional marching tactic of following each left step with a right one. Magnus Mbanu, Peterborough 󿿽 I JUST did a fart that was on a par with the roar the Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Lion makes at the start of a…

All over the earth, pensioners are subject to the force of gravity, pulling them towards the centre of the earth. Well… not exactly everywhere! The residents of Newton House Retirement Home enjoy the benefits of weightlessness 24 hours a day. And YOU can join them. Newton House caters for 100 elderly residents in a cheerful, gravity-free setting. Guests can float around the day lounge, library or gardens without the worry of falling and breaking a hip. That’s the peace of mind that living outside a gravitational field can give. ? How is Newton House Gravity Free? We DON’T KNOW!… IT JUST IS! Scientists are unable to explain why Newton House is not subject to the same laws of physics as every other retirement home in the world. But it is, and that’s that!…

@!*% Me Ragged! Mind Your Language with this fantastic FOR THE LAST 18 MONTHS, we’ve all been working from home, and inevitably, our standards of behaviour have slipped. Track suit bottoms, hoodies and dressing gowns have replaced the usual smart attire we are expected to wear in our place of work. Even worse, free from the etiquette and social niceties of the office, our language has deteriorated too, with profanities and coarse expressions flowing thick and fast. Now, as we all leave our homes to go back to work, we will once again have to raise our game and maintain the highest standards of deportment and behaviour in our place of employment. And whilst it will be easy to put on our suits and dresses, it will be a little…

POLICE in Northern France got a shock this week when they arrested a man who was still fighting the BATTLE OF AGINCOURT. Responding to reports of a strangely dressed figure seen acting oddly in woods near Calais, gendarmes searched the area for several hours before spotting the man hiding behind a tree. “He was brandishing some sort of weapon, so I ordered him to lay down his arms,” said Chief Gendarme Didier LeBac. “He shouted something in reply, and I could tell he was English, but it was a strange dialect that I couldn’t understand.” The man refused to comply with the the Chief’s commands, and brandished what appeared to be a longbow, causing officers to take cover behind trees. After giving his name as Thomas Dutton, the man continued shouting…