Innholdsfortegnelse for August 2021 i Viz

SCIENTISTS say that in the future, all meals will be in the form of a pill. Let’s hope they are right, and they don’t develop them in the form of a suppository. I think that would make dining out a most unpleasant experience. Umberto Coaltit, Hull YOUNG people today just don’t appreciate the 14th century crop rotation systems. They’re all too busy on their X-boxes, watching those podcast things and using modern agricultural methodology. David Slade, Stevenage WELL DONE Dyson for giving customers free postage on your hair products. You wouldn’t want to take the piss by adding on £3 postage after charging £400 for a pair of fucking hair tongs. Eldon Furse, Leeds CAN THE super-attractive, dark haired lady, late 30s, white T-shirt, skin-tight stonewash jeans, pushing her trolley…

NOBODY knows what happens to us when we die. Christians would have us believe that if we are deserving, we ascend to Heaven, and if not, we burn forever in the fiery pit of Hell. As we don’t know God’s mind as to what is deserving and what isn’t, it’s a bit of a gamble. So it’s probably best to believe that we are reincarnated instead – a process where our souls are transplanted to a fresh body to live life all over again. However, with trillions of individual animals on earth, of which only 7.9 billion are humans, chances are we’ll be reincarnated as something else entirely. Whilst strolling around the jungle as a tiger, or soaring high in the sky as an eagle would not be a bad…

WE WENT out on the streets and asked a selection of passers-by how they would spend their Bitcoin Billions. “FIRSTLY I’d get the brakes fixed on my old Maestro, because the back wheels get red hot when I’ve been down the shops so I think they’re binding again. Then I’d buy a submarine and go to live on the bottom of the sea with Miss World and a robot butler.” Reg Hubris, chimney sweep “I WOULD buy a Premier League football club, such as Chelsea, Manchester United or Liverpool, and I’d change its name to Dave Smith United. And instead of them playing at Stamford Bridge, Old Trafford or Anfield, I’d call the ground the Dave Smith Stadium, with Dave Smith painted on the roof in big letters.” Dave Smith,…

THE KINGDOM of Jordan has announced it is planning to have breast enlargement surgery. The curvy Hashemite kingdom, bordered by Iraq, Saudi Arabia, Israel and the Palestinian West Bank, says it intends to take its bra size up to a voluptuous 38DD using silicone implants. King Abdullah II, 59, told reporters: “Believe you me, it’s time for Jordan to get the wow factor, and these new charms are really going to bring us onto the world stage, hopefully improving inward investment from Western countries, especially in our rapidly expanding Information and Communications Technology sector.”…

THIS YEAR’S prestigious Pride of Britain awards ceremony was last night disrupted after host Jason Donovan experienced a flashback to a past life as a nineteenth century Alaskan fur-trader. The lavish ceremony at the Grosvenor House Hotel had been underway for forty minutes, and the former Neighbours star was mid way through presenting a trophy to a man who had jumped into a canal to save a pensioner, when he suddenly fell silent and gazed blankly into the camera while clutching at his hair. Fellow presenter Carol Vorderman immediately saw something was wrong and stepped forward to finish presenting the award. After a short pause, the Aussie songster shook himself from his trance and offered an explanation as to what had happened. “I don’t…I’m…sorry, everyone. I just…I just had a flashback…

ORDINARY people throughout the country are taking advantage of what financial experts are calling the biggest free cyber-cash windfall in history. By investing a bit of loose change in Bitcoin – the revolutionary open source internet currency invented back in 2008 by internet geeks – millions of Brits are becoming overnight multi-billionaires. And you can do it too, by following our simple step-by-step guide to the lucrative free money system. “It’s like winning the pools and a lottery rollover jackpot every minute, twenty-four hours a day,” says Nottingham cyber-trader Vince Fictitious, 46, who invested a bit of chewing gum he found stuck to the bottom of his shoe in Bitcoin yesterday afternoon. “I just did it for a laugh while I was waiting for a pop tart to cool down.…

WE’RE giving away a TEN-FIGURE BITCOIN FORTUNE to the winner of this fantastic competition. Simply arrange these five features of Bitcoin in order of importance and complete the tiebreaker in 26 words or less for your chance to win. 1. Simplicity. Trading in Bitcoins couldn’t be easier. 2. Profitability. Bitcoins offer a near-instant multi-million % return on your investment. 3. Storage. Bitcoins can be kept on an ordinary home computer. 4. Cheapness. Bitcoins cost just a few pence, or even less. 5. Bitcoin transactions are validated via online blockchain nodes. Complete the tiebreaker Send to: Viz, PO Box 841, Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ. Winners will receive 1p to invest in the Bitcoin blockchain of their choice.…

THEY’RE everywhere we look – in our homes, in our gardens and in the sky. They run our cars and our washing machines, but probably not our fridges. They’ve been around – quite literally – since the universe began. They come in all different sizes, from smaller than a penny to as big as a circus ring… but only one shape. They’re CIRCLES, and our lives would be very different without them. You may think you know your way around these ultimate curved shapes. But do you really? Here are… 1 THE AREA of a circle is equal to π r², so you would think the area of a larger circle would be bigger. But believe it or not, the area of the big circle is exactly the same as…

THE government today announced plans to bring back loose, gravelled surfaces on playgrounds, along with smooth, slippy soles on children’s shoes, in an attempt to put a halt to what many ministers believe is a ‘softening up’ of today’s youth. Secretary of State for the Environment, Food and Rural Affairs George Eustice introduced a Private Members’ Bill which would see coarse gravel replace the rubber crumb which has been a feature of adventure playgrounds since the early 80s. smooth If passed, the new law would also compel shoe manufacturers to use extremely smooth plastic on the soles of all children’s shoes, in place of the heavily treaded rubber used today. “Like every other boy in my class, I had almost permanent scabs on my knees throughout my childhood,” the member…

MANY PEOPLE are confused about what bitcoins actually are, where you get them from and how you spend them. R4’s Moneybox presenter PAUL LEWIS give you the lowdown on the hi-tech currency. What is Bitcoin? Bitcoin is an internet-based currency that exists in cyberspace. Just a penny invested in Bitcoin in the morning is typically worth millions or billions of pounds by the afternoon. How do I invest in Bitcoin? Simply go on the internet and buy some Bitcoin for a few pence… or even less! Then sit back and watch your investment grow. When you’re ready to reap the rewards, just go back on the internet and sell your Bitcoin for tens or hundreds of millions of pounds! How much does a Bitcoin cost? A Bitcoin costs just a…

THE LATEST cabinet reshuffle has been greeted with fury after former R1 DJ Gary Davies was once again overlooked for a ministerial post. The popular record spinner, who regularly pulled in 2 million listeners to his 80s show The Bit in the Middle, had been tipped as a cabinet appointee by friends and supporters, despite not being a member of parliament. “Frankly, I don’t know what the PM is thinking,” said fellow pancake turner Steve Wright, a long-time friend and supporter of Davies. “Factoid! Gary is a radio legend for the ‘Day to Day Challenge’ section of his show alone. When you take into account the weekend breakfast slot, Top of the Pops and everything else, I don’t know what else he needs to do.” “That he’s still not in…

WHO IS Britain’s hardest man? It’s a question that has taxed many a keen mind over the years. Are boxers tougher than martial artists? Perhaps bareknuckle boxers are the Kings of the Ring? Or maybe it’s cage fighters, Ninja warriors or Jason Statham? Many may lay claim to the title, but one East Midlands man thinks that he makes them ALL look like big girl’s blouses. Nottingham-born Terry Limpstick boasts that he is Britain’s hardest man bar none. And what makes 23-year-old office supplies salesman’s claim even more amazing is that he makes this boast despite never having got into a fight! Speaking to reporters at the launch of his self-published autobiography NEVER BACK DOWN – MY RISE TO THE TOP OF THE SCRAP HEAP, 9-stone Terry spoke about his…

PEOPLE all over the globe spent several hours in disarray yesterday after a computer glitch caused a catastrophic systems failure of NUMBERS. News that the integers 1 to 9 had gone down first surfaced on Twitter, with one user asking: ‘Are numbers down? Having trouble counting things’ and another tweeting: ‘Bloody typical. Just when I need to tell how many of something there are, numbers goes down!! FML!’ As news of the disaster spread, others took to social media to share their experiences. ‘I’m a shepherd,’ wrote one. ‘It’s really very important that I know exactly how many sheep I have in my field so if any go missing I can look for them. I’m looking at them right now and I can tell you there are some sheep but…