Innholdsfortegnelse for June/July 2021 i Viz

WHEN I heard the news that HRH (that stands for His Royal Highness, so thats three words) The Duke of Edinburgh had died, I wept. I wept and I wept and I wept. I wept royal tears of grief for the Queen’s consort. Her Majesty the Queen’s consort. And just at the exact moment I stopped wepting over Prince Philip, I heard the news that Les McKeown out of the Bay City Rollers had died, and I wept again. I wept again and I wept again and I wept again. For fate had taken these two iconic men off the face of our globe just days apart. Two men, a duke and a troubador, who had never met, yet shared so much (subs check if they ever met actually dont…

DO YOU KNOW what the most poisonous insect in the world is? I bet you think it’s a black widow spider or scorpion, don’t you? Well it’s not, because get this… it’s a daddy long legs! Yeah! There’s enough poison in one of them to kill three men, straight up. But their pincer things on their mouths, I don’t know what they’re called, well they’re not strong enough to break through human skin, they’re not. Fucking good job an’ all, if you ask me. AND I BET you think you’ve never ate a spider, don’t you, eh? Well, you’re wrong. Because you eat about two of the little fuckers every year. Crawl into your mouth while you’re in bed asleep, they do, and you just swallow the fuckers and you…

profanisaurus@viz.co.uk autoproctologist n. One who is up his or her own arse all the time. baby parrot’s hatching, the exclam. Warning that the turtle’s head is crowning. ‘It’s lovely to bump into you, vicar, but the baby parrot’s hatching and I really have to run.” bactress n. A scudflick starlet who is typically photographed from the rear only. See also STA. biddy bait n. The use of Union Jack graphics and the word “British” on supermarket products (for example cat food, Brussels sprouts, incontinence wear) in order to snare patriotic gimmers as they bumble around the supermarket. Bob Ross’s brush n. Unwanted male arousal at an inappropriate event resulting in the extreme action of whacking the offending member off a wall, fencepost, altar rail or crematorium doorframe in the style of the late artist “beating…

□ THANKS to Jesus we get Christmas presents, Easter eggs and four bank holidays a year. Come on, other religions, pull your finger out. Allan Clark, Totnes □ IN REPLY to Eli Wallace’s letter about people injuring themselves in a dream (last issue), I once dreamt my cousin threw a tarantula at me, so I punched him. Unfortunately, I woke up just in time to find myself punching my girlfriend in the back of the head instead. Have any readers been injured in real life from someone else’s dream? Gary Ireland, Tauranga □ I’VE ALWAYS enjoyed the letters from Christina Martin on your Letterbocks page. Could you tell me if she’s single, as I would like to marry her and we could write letters together for ever and ever. DuSinge,…

I’M STARTING to suspect that Tom Ellen hasn’t actually written the much anticipated broccoli-themed ‘zinger’ that we have been promised. I am sure I speak for all right-thinking Viz readers, who have been more than patient thus far, in calling for Mr Ellen to either publish his broccoli letter, or be placed on the sex offenders register. Kevin Caswell-Jones, Gresford * You have a point, Mr Caswell-Jones. We have all have waited long enough and it’s time for Mr Ellen to piss or get off the pot. If we do not receive his humorous broccoli-themed letter by 17:00 GMT on 31:05:2021, he will be banned from the Letterbocks pages. As for his being placed on the sex offenders register, we’re afraid that is not within our gift.…

BORIS Johnson’s recent seven-figure pressroom makeover at Number Ten has made Britain the envy of the world. But no sooner had it been completed than the PM gave the devastating news that plans to hold daily briefings in the state-of-the-art broadcast suite had been scrapped. And on the same day, the news came that the cargo-ship the Ever Given - carrying a consignment of garden gnomes - had become stuck in the Suez Canal, leading to fears that the UK could soon run dry of the popular outdoor ornaments. Two brutal blows on the same day that shook the people of Britain. But don’t worry, because we’ve got both of those losses covered in this fantastic FREE commemorative Downing Street Briefing Room Garden Gnomes set! Now you can once again…

Across 7 Scramble around Anus, beginning to taste fanny cheese (10) 9 See28 11 Roger Moore, great fucker (5) 12 Twat initially in Royal Arsecot attire? Would you fucking believe it! (5,4) 13 Fucking talk (11) 15 Jerk entering joystick (3) 16 Richard Roundtree’s dick fuck (5) 17 Fruity thing, gentlewoman whose minge is yours for a fiver, it’s said? (3) 18 Bit of a bloomer, penis originally penetrating marine mammal (5) 20 Hotel where some virgin nobbed (3) 22 That lass’s gulping air back, shitter displaying spam javelin love juice (2-3,6) 24 The look of love for a lady’s chocolate starfish, like that mound, certainly (5,4) 25 See23Down 28/9 From which warm feeshus emerges, or else a hot shit (8) 29 Puritan with clitoris ma toyed with (10) Down…

SAVE money on your gas and electricity bills by keeping all of your gas and electric appliances switched off. Col P Fawcett, Durham TRYING to sell your house during a pandemic? Offer prospective buyers a slice of Hovis with some straps attached to use as a face mask. Hey presto! that fresh-baked bread smell all through the house. Kermit Portslade Muldoon, Chessington HUSBANDS. Convince your wife that there’s a ghost in the house by farting in rooms she’s about to enter, then denying responsibility on her mother’s life. Stuie, Bunny STOP fire walkers being so smug by mixing drawing pins in with the hot coals. David Craik, HULL SHOPLIF TERS. If you’re nabbed by security when exiting a shop, have a mate with a video camera waiting outside to shout“And……

ADVERTISERS. Persuade consumers to part with what little cash they have left by beginning all your adverts with “We know these are hard times for everyone….” Argy Ell, Glasgow MOBILE phone game de velopers. Please add a “Pause game while I wipe my arse” button to all of your games. David Whiston, New Zealand BAROME ERS make excellent clocks for people who have no interest in what time it is. Wensley Dale, Cheddar WHEN starting a new job, simply tell everyone in your place of work that you still have four grandparents. Hey presto! You’ve gained four extra days leave. Iain Devenney, Abingdon JUST done apoo and there’s no toilet roll left? Use the empty toilet roll tube as a megaphone to call to your wife. Hopefully she’ll hear you…

WE WILL ALL remember where we were when we heard the news of the tragic death of the Duke of Edinburgh. I was in the Noma Restaurant in Copenhagen, one of the most exclusive and difficult eateries in the world to get into. I was having dinner with a few close friends, including - but not limited to - Idris Elba, Kit Harrington, Uma Thurman, Harry Styles, Scarlett Johanssen, Jean-Paul Gaultier, Normski and Kim Källström. I was inconsolable. The Duke of Edinburgh, or Philip, as he was to me, actually Phil, was a great, great friend. Indeed, I was so upset that I couldn’t finish my meal. Most people would have forced it down because it is such a difficult restaurant to get into and the food’s so expensive. But…

FOR centuries, man has sought the secrets of alchemy. From Agathodaemon in the third century, to Isaac Newton in the Age of Enlightenment, many have tried to find the secret of turning base metal into gold. The quest has become an obsession for people from every walk of life – scientists, philosphers, writers and artists have all sought this glittering prize. But it might come as a surprise to discover that since the dawn of the golden age of cinema, many Hollywood stars have also dabbled in this mysterious pseudoscientific practice, with varying degrees of success. Here are five movie stars who have attempted to transmute base metal into gold. James Stewart NOT only a movie legend and Oscar-winning star, Stewart also fought in World War II with great distinction.…