Innholdsfortegnelse for April 2021 i Viz

THEY SAY that “a stopped clock is right twice a day”, but what these Einsteins fail to realise is that you need another clock to check the time in order to know exactly when the stopped clock is correct. Dean Haigh, Hessle I’VE JUST noticed that Saturday has the word ‘turd’ in the middle of it. Why aren’t we taught this stuff at school instead of algebra? Dominic Twose, Leamington Spa IF WE had never evolved trousers, on a cold day we would be able to see our farts like we see our breath. Thank goodness for trousers, I say. Boody, Chesvegas I HAVE long held left-handed people in the highest regard, but after experimenting by wiping my arse with my left hand, my respect for them has increased massively.…

WHY ARE WE HERE? Is there a God? What is the purpose of life on Earth? Philosophers have been pondering all these weighty questions and more for many millennia now – but one query trumps them all when it comes to sparking violent debate and renting entire communities in twain: Who Is The Best Celebrity With The Surname ‘Fox’? For some people, the answer is, and always will be, SAMANTHA FOX – the busty model-turned-songstress who kept every red-blooded male’s pulse racing throughout the 1980s. For others, the correct response is LAURENCE FOX, the maggot-cocked telly fave who won the hearts of tens with his stunning portrayal of DS James Hathaway in ITV’s Lewis, before reinventing himself as an intellectual firebrand in the war against ‘wokeness’. Others still will tell…

THEY run around football pitches, they skate around ice hockey rinks and they sit on very high chairs during tennis matches. They are REFEREES: the unsung heroes and heroines of our favourite sporting fixtures. But even though they are essential cogs in the sporting machine, most of us in the stands never even realise they are there. Like high court judges, refs apply the laws of the game, making decisions and handing out punishments with fairness and impartiality. Without them, competitive sports would quickly descend into Mad-Max-style chaos and anarchy. But how much do we know about these arbiters of sporting jurisprudence? How are they trained? What are their powers? What is the record for the greatest number of them inside a telephone box? Here are the answers to these…

profanisaurus@viz.co.uk and now over to our Brussels correspondent exclam. Announcement of the imminent launch of a Vitamin B6-infused salvo from the postern gate. banjo bolt 1. n. Aperforatedhol-low fitting used for pressurised fluid transfer, commonly found in automotive fuel, oil and hydraulic systems. 2. n. A great big stainless steel self-tapper knocked through a gentleman’s membrum virile. beat sheet 1. n. A document used by American television writers when planning and sequencing their stories, so that their profound prose fits neatly round the adverts for heartburn medicine. 2. n. arch. Back in the days when the information superhighway was but a gleam in Tim Berners Lee’s eye, a tattered page torn from the Freeman’s Catalogue titpants section to help a young fellow relax. big V-buster 1. n. Oddly-titled weapon of attack featured in the…

WHEN I heard the news that Major Tom had passed on at the age of 100, tears sprang to my eyes and poured down my face. Truly I had never cried so much or so loudly. And no-one else never will cry so much or so loudly before or since. For my all-consuming grief for this greatest hero of our age is the most powerful and loudest sadness by which anyone has ever been gripped by. His sponsored walk around his garden puts the feets of our other so-called heroes to abject shame. Captain Norman Scott trekked to the North Pole through snow and ice, and perished in the attempt, frozen solid by the icy Antartic winds. Admiral Fellatio Nelson was mown down by a Frenchman’s bullet through the heart…

SHE’S THERE on our TV screens when we rise in the mornings, and us Brits don’t step outside before we’ve carefully checked out her warm fronts and areas of localised pressure. She’s BBC Breakfast iso-barmaid CAROL KIRKWOOD, and thanks to her cheery weather forecasts and smiley Scottish demeanour, we think we know what makes her tick. But although we welcome her into our homes every day, do we really know what secrets she keeps hidden behind her bright and breezy meteorological facade? Believe it or not, the truth about Carol Kirkwood is contained within the letters that make up her name! Cis for CLAIRVOYANT WHEN she was very young, Carol visited a fairground fortune teller who told her that she would grow up to become a famous breakfast telly star. Amazingly,…

ABARNSLEY man says he is regretting the day he let his wife give him a lockdown appendectomy after he was left with a ridiculous-looking scar and life-threatening injuries. George Trinkets, 43, was isolating at home with his wife Kath and their three children when he developed a crippling pain in the right side of his abdomen. Mrs Trinkets suspected immediately that it was a burst appendix, because her sister had had the condition when she was twelve, and her husband was displaying all the same symptoms. “George wanted to go to hospital, but I said it would be a nightmare, as it was at the height of the pandemic,” she told the Barnsley Aorta and Ventricle. “We’ve all had to become experts in one thing and another during lockdown, and…

Dear AB of C, I LENT my neighbour my lawn mower last week, and he returned it with a crack in the grass collection box that wasn’t there when I lent it to him. He never said anything and I found my heart full of dark, vengeful thoughts towards him. I know the Bible says that I should forgive him not seven times, but seventy times seven, but I don’t want to lend it to him 490 times for him to bring it back knackered. What should I do? Len Mastiff, Tring * The Lord is very hot on forgiveness and you have a duty to pardon your neighbour’s trespasses. Having said that, your neighbour has a duty to confess the sin of cracking your grass box and seek forgiveness. Since…

FORESICALLY minded Labour leader Sir Keir Starmer has been BARRED from attending Murder Mystery Weekends by the owners of Barnton Hall Hotel in Wiltshire. Owners Captain and Mrs Monroe-Brown, regulary host the interactive parties which see guests given clues to solve a theatrical murder set in the hall’s library. Participants pay up to £250 a head for the weekend, which includes accomodation, meals and the theatrical experience. licked But the Monroe-Browns fear that if Starmer were to turn up, his forensic mind would have the case licked before dinner on the Friday evening, leaving the rest of the guests demanding their money back. “The murder takes place shortly after the guests arrive on Friday, and over the weekend they discuss the case and look for clues,” said Captain Monroe-Brown. “Then…

ACAR BOOT sale punter in Goole got a pleasant surprise last weekend when a £2 impulse buy turned out to be the bloke out of ABC. Len Barrow, a centre lathe turner had gone to the car boot sale in Aldi’s car park to look for a pair of garden shears, never intending to buy a frontman from an 80s new romantic group. “I go to the boots most Sundays,” said the retired gas fitter. “And I have to say, I’ve got an eye for a bargain.” dusty Postman Len was rummaging through a box of souvenir eggcups, broken toys and Mantovani LPs’ when he spotted what he thought was a dusty manequin propped up against one of the pasting tables. “It looked pretty chipped and battered but I just…