Innholdsfortegnelse for March 2021 i Viz

I READ that Christopher Columbus was 41 years old when he went to America, and as a consequence everyone celebrates him to this day. I was 25 when I first landed on the East Coast of the USA, and yet not one book has been written about me despite the fact that I beat Columbus by a good 16 years. Once again, it’s one rule, etc… you know the rest. Rick Riley, Manchester THEY say a bad workman always blames his tools. But they also say that a workman is only as good as the tools he uses. I’ve just put some shelves up on the wonk, and I don’t know whether I can blame my tools or not. Thanston Crabb, Wisbech WHILE listening to Radio 2, a caller asked…

BRITAIN is a nation of shopkeepers. And those shops are betting shops, because Britain is also a nation of gamblers. From Land’s End to John O’Groats, every single one of us loves a flutter. But what if the unthinkable happened one day, and we took a wrong turning en route to our beloved local bookies and ended up lost in the woods? Trapped in such a hostile and merciless environment with no access to fruit machines, craps tables or roulette wheels, would we really be able to cope? The simple answer is YES. Because we’ve teamed up with stocky survivalist RAY MEARS to show YOU how to forage your very own CASINO from the forest floor! So join Ray as he presents a step-by-step guide to sating YOUR ruinous gambling…

profanisaurus@viz.co.uk AA-lister n. An alcoholic celebrity. attention all shipping exclam. An urgent gale warning issued prior to a passage of potentially harmful wind. See also and now for something completely different; and Bully’s special prize…; gentlemen start your engines; let off some steam, Bennett. baby eating a Twix, arse like a sim. Descriptive of one who leaves something to be desired in the back body hygiene department. bells of Bacchus euph. The soothing jingle of multiple bottles of beer or wine in a GP’s trolley as he wheels it over the supermarket car park bumps. brown fingered 1. adj. Somewhat inept at gardening. 2. adj. Somewhat inept at arsewiping. busy adj.Descriptive of a T-shirt that’s got its hands full. buttella n. Feculent the consistency and colour of chocolate ganache, often found spread across the…

Honest’Justin Welby Dear AB of C, I WAS flicking through the Bible the other day, and I came upon a passage in Exodus where God says, “You cannot see my face, for no man shall see me and live.” It struck me that this would give God an unfair advantage during poker games as, since no one’s allowed to look at Him, He would not have to perfect His ‘poker face’ in order to conceal the strength of His cards. Martin Heathen, Bracknell The AB of C says: God has no need to adopt a ‘poker face’, Martin, because He would never play poker. It’s not just that He considers gambling a sin, although He probably does, but rather because card games aren’t particularly enjoyable for Him, since He knows exactly what…

WHEN I heard the news that Phil Spector had died at the age of 81, I am not ashamed to say that I cried. In the words of one of his most famous songs, (look up on google and paste some lyrics about crying here) For who couldn’t fail not to not be saddened to the point of tears by the loss of this musical genius, who has tragically passed away whilst serving a life sentence for shooting someone in the face. Yes, he was a murderer. But remember, it was second degree murder. And let us not forget that murder was just one string to the bow of this very multi-talented man. For Phil Spector was first and foremost a record producer, whose trademark “wall of sound” defined an…

AVILE dictator, whose murderous reign of terror will enslave half the globe, was born in Sheffield General Hospital this morning. Barnaby Percival Clarke, who will one day have total dominion over billions of cowed and broken subjects, weighed 6lb 12oz, and, according to his mum, Becky, has his dad’s beautiful blue eyes. statue “He’s so adorable,” she said of the child whose 500m high statue will one day dwarf the ruins of St Paul’s Cathedral. “From the moment we set eyes on him, it was love.” Fourteen-inch long Barnaby’s resemblance to dad Glen means that the despot-in-waiting is already a big hit with his aunties and uncles, in contrast to the multitudes who will one day weep in despair at his very name. “He looks so innocent” beamed Becky, unaware…

A FOOL and his money are soon parted, so the saying goes. But Barton Creases would have to disagree. “I’ve still got all my money, and plenty more to boot,” he says. For Creases has spent his life amassing a fortune plying his trade as a professional gambler. And the Osset-based 56-year-old says he has never regretted cashing in his chips as a plumber for the high-rolling life of a chance-taker. “I left school at 16 and started an apprenticeship as a plumber, but after three days, I knew that life wasn’t for me and I jacked it in,” he says. “And I’d always been a bit of a gambler at school – betting 50p on which teacher would come out the staffroom next, 20p on the outcome of a…