Innholdsfortegnelse for December/Jan 2021 i Viz

I HAD my septic tank emptied by an engineer called Thomas Moore. I was about make a very clever play on words by remarking “who will rid me of this turbulent piss,” when I remembered that was Thomas Becket, not Thomas More, and so narrowly avoided a potentially embarrassing moment. Persemillion Jones, Sizewell SO MULTI-MILLIONAIRE property developer and Conservative party donor Tony Gallagher has been given a knighthood in the Queen’s Birthday Honours List “for services to land development and the property business.” Well, if that’s the case, why is it that… actually, no. Fuck the punchline. “Services to land development and the property business” is funny enough as it is. Stan Magnusson, Tooting STAR LETTER INSTEAD of was ting their energies creating Tr ack& Tr ace systems that don’t…

CRIMINALS. Avoid being caught by deliberately wearing the wrong-sized shoes when committing acrime. Rob Powell, We lshpool CHANNEL 4executives. Rename E4 “The Come Dine With Me Channel” to avoid any confusion about what’s on. Gary Ireland, Ta uranga OFF-ROAD enthusiasts. Te st your skills as adriver and the performance of your vehicle by driving along the pothole-filled, challenging terrainofthe A82main road through the town of Clydebank. T. O’Neill, Glasgow CURLERS. When the inevitable panic-buying of curling stones occurs this winter, remember that frozen chickens make an ideal replacement for sliding down theice. Different teams canbedifferentiated by using normalchickens andthose yellow, corn-fed ones. And one of the legs stuck up makes an idealhandle. Tim Buktu, Timbuktu CONVINCE fruit machine arcade staff you’ve won £500 by putting £500 in notes into the…

MY SON and I have been thinking of writing a letter to Viz for years now. However, at the moment we have decided not to. We just thought we’d let you know. Nick Taylor Sr and Jr, Blackpool *Thank you, Messrs Taylor, that certainly helps. If you do decide to write to us at some point in the future, could you drop us a line first letting us know of your intention so we can keep an eye out for it. I WAS chopping some broccoli last night, and I had the sudden thought that it made me feel like a tree surgeon who had been blown up to monstrous proportions. I was planning to send this quirky idea in to your letters page, but I wanted to check first…

THERE is no more festive a sight than a Christmas tree standing tall in the corner of the room, trimmed with tinsel, baubles and twinkling lights. But it’s a sight that may not be quite so impressive in years to come, as research shows that Christmas trees are getting smaller. And such is the trend, that festive season experts believe that this year’s trees could be the smallest on record. “The days of having an 8-foot tree standing in your hallway are gone,” said Bartram Twochips, leader of the National Festive Tree Vendors’ Union. “Traditionally, a 6-footer has been exactly 72 inches high ever since Christmas trees first became popular back in Victorian times. They stayed at that height throughout both world wars and until the end of the twentieth…

BARNSLEY accountant Barry Ropewalk hit a milestone last Saturday when he celebrated his fortieth birthday with friends and family. But when he awoke the following morning, the fun came to an abrupt halt as he discovered that fate had a cruel surprise in store. “It was a wonderful occasion. We hired the function room above our local and pretty much everyone I know came,” remembers Barry. “One of my mates DJed and there was karaoke later on. It was the perfect evening.” “I’d been looking forward to the party for months, so when I woke up the morning after, I was excited to look forward to it some more,” he said. “But something had happened. Suddenly, looking forward to my fortieth birthday party just wasn’t the same.” wife Barry’s his…

LAST YEAR the government started rolling out 5G, erecting a series of masts the length and breadth of the land. The official explanation is that the new system will improve the mobile network in the country making communications faster and cheaper. But we all know that it is actually a device set up by our government, in collaboration with their Chinese paymasters, to influence the behaviour of the the British electorate, turning them into mindless autons who will vote the way they are subliminally instructed. But YOU don’t have to be one of them. Because we’re giving you a chance to win this FANTASTIC TIN FOILHAT. Guaranteed to protect the wearer from invasive, mindcontrolling 5G waves, this hat will go the the Viz reader who correctly answers these three Conspiracy…

CHRISTMAS 2020 will be like no other. As Covid-19 picks up pace, we face a confusing festive season trying to work out which lockdown tier we are in, and which version of the rules apply in that tier. It’s going to be difficult to make plans. But don’t worry, let FATE decide with this fabulous VIZ CHRISTMAS FORTUNE TELLER, which will make deciding what to do a piece of Christmas cake. Simply cut out and construct the Fortune Teller using basic origami techniques. Then choose one of the four numbers visible, and open and close the teller that many times. Repeat this process twice more. On the fourth time of choosing a number, lift that flap to reveal your Christmas destiny. Of course, the Viz Christmas Fortune Teller is not…

EU COUNTRIES are battling it out to see who can have the toughest response to the Covid pandemic with France introducing a new city-wide night-time curfew and Germany, Spain and the UK all introducing further lockdown measures. But a smaller nation in the north of Europe has stomped over everyone with the hardest and heaviest lockdown ever Finland has outdone all of Europe’s big boys by crashing straight into the top of the lockdown tier charts. With the UK thrown into confusion by a measly 3 tier levels, and the Irish only upping the ante to 5, the hard-rocking Finns have taken the Covid lockdown response bull by the horns… by introducing an astonishing ELEVEN tier levels! winners And the hard rock-obsessed Eastern Scandinavians have drafted in their most famous…

GIVING your guests a bout of shits is difficult enough at the best of times, but getting it just right on Christmas Day can test any amateur cook to the limit. But don’t worry. Here, some of Britain’s top chefs give their tips for perfect Christmas Day diarrhoea every time. Jamie Oliver RANCID DUCK is such an under-used route to gastroentiritis these days, with many people preferring off-turkey and pork. How wrong they are! Mucky turned duck has been making us rush to our bogs since Roman times. Remember to defrost and refreeze it at least five times before putting it on the radiator to rest. A light salad is a pointless final touch that your guests won’t even notice as they roll about on the floor. Tom Kerridge FOR…

A copy of the Viz Annual 2021, The Wizard’s Sleeve to: Tanya Cook, Norwich; Shelley Raiden, Fife; Marie Elmes, Manchester; Neil Slater, Whitby; Derek Whiteside, County Antrim; Maisie-Ann Winston, Gwent; Charlie Hollis, London; Luis Vasquez, Kent; Giorgios Hill, Coventry; Paul Goddard, Notts; Thomas Patterson, London; James Vickers, Manchester; Kim Halliday, Cleveland; John Pingree, Hampshire; Jason Gatticker, Somerset; Andrea Hill, London; Nick James, Kent; Chris Jones, Oxon; Pete Short, Cheshire; Andy Mitchell, Bournemouth; Jed Scott, Errol; John Shimwell, London; Sadie Hunter, Tyne and Wear; Kirstin Williams, London; Colin Dixon, Middlesex; Louise Mc Nicol, Renfrewshire; Sam Price, Bridgend; James Cavannagh, Liverpool; Catherine Brown, Walton-on-Thames and Neil Sharma, Birmingham.…

MEN. Make hoovering more fun by doing it with one hand and having awank with the other. Seb Placebo, Bow ENJOY the experience of fishing without the ballache of buying expensive equipment by simply sitting by the river and watching anglers looking bored and catching fuck all. When you’ve had enough of the ennui, you can simply leave without having to pack away all that kit. Zarg the Splendid, Norwich LOCKDOWN provisioners. Make toilet rolls with cannelloni pasta tube centres, allowing panic buyers can then get all their essentials in one fell swoop. Gezmundo, Cardiff CAN’T be arsed to waitfor a decent lightning storm? Simply wait until it’s dark, thenturn your living room light on and off really quickly. Dave Edwards, Bridport Parkway ROYAL servants. Fool Prince Andrew intothinking he’s…

THE size of a Christmas Tree is a fifixed parameter. A 6-foot tree is the same size wherever you are in time and space. So if your 6-foot tree is only 4-feet tall, there’s little you can do about it… or is there? According to TV mentalist Derren Brown, the size of your Christmas tree is all in your mind, and it is easy to fool your brain into believing the tree is bigger than it actually is. Here, Derren shares a few of his mind techniques to help you increase the size of your tree. WHEN we get our tree in December, most of us plonk it in the furthest corner of the room where perspective will make it appear small. So set it up in the centre of…

WINNER MAGAZINE OF THE YEAR ~Take aShit Magazine of the Year Awards AS the dark winter nights set in, many youngsters look forward to their parents taking them to see their town’s Christmas illuminations. But the sparky who was put in charge of this year’s Tipton Christmas Lumiere Festival has had the plug pulled on his services after the town’s Lord Mayor suffered severe burns at the official switch-on. Amateur electrician Frank Spongle had been given the contract to wire up the West Midlands town’s annual festive lights and spent most of September and October setting up the display, which included illuminated figures of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. The council had originally approached comedian Jasper Carrott and one of the members of Steps to officially turn the lights…

IT WAS Christmas Eve in Glenpeebles, and Sergeant Greenock was patrolling the village with his faithful Jack Russell terrier, Bob. All was peaceful as the villagers slept in their beds. But suddenly, the silence of the festive night was broken by shrill cry, “Help! Help ma boab! Fire!” ROUNDING the corner, the sergeant saw flames licking out of the window of Miss McCulloch’s cottage, her Christmas tree ablaze. And upstairs, the lady of the house was trapped in her bedroom. “Dinnae worry, Miss. I’ll call the fire brigade straight awa’!” he shouted. WITHIN minutes, the Glenpeebles Fire Brigade had arrived on the scene and set to work. “We’ll hae ye oot o’ there in nae time, Miss McCulloch!” called Chief Fraser. His men got to work with their hosepipe to…

I WAS recently watching an edition of University Challenge and was astonished to see that one of the Oxford University contestants was studying ‘modern history’. What utter nonsense. History cannot be ‘modern’ any more than water can be dry. I understand that Boris Johnson attended the same institution, so it’s little wonder that he turned out to be a wrong ‘un. Eric Nipples, Orkney THE OTHER night I let out a bottom burp that sounded just like the buzzer from University Challenge, and quick as a flash I said “Samson, Cambridge.” Unfortunately there's was no one around to hear the amusing sound and subsequent witty remark, but I'm certain it would have made my wife laugh had she been there. Have any other readers managed to make a well known…

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IT’S THE incendiary festive debate guaranteed to rent families in twain at every Yuletide dinner table: Which is the Best Eve? For some people, the only sensible answer is jobbing telly actor TREVOR EVE, who’s kept us glued to the small screen since the late seventies with his thrilling performance as down-at-heel private eye, Eddie Shoestring. Others will vouchsafe that the real candidate for ‘Best Eve’ is CHRISTMAS EVE, the 24th of December on which families across the globe gather to sing carols, wrap presents and hang up stockings for Santa. Others still will violently insist that Trevor and Christmas cannot hold a candle to ADAM AND EVE - the apple-chomping Biblical nudists whose shameful expulsion from the Garden of Eden left mankind cursed with original sin. But let’s not…

THEY’RE shiny, they’re crinkly, and they stop enemy powers from interfering with your mind. They’re TIN FOIL HATS, and unless you wear one, chances are some foreign governments or MI5 are tapping into your thoughts, gathering information and implanting false memories RIGHT NOW. With this sobering thought in mind, it would be madness not to wear one all the time. But how much do we know about these marvellous weapons in our fight against sinister interference? Here are… 1 THE FIRST tin foil hat was made in 1965 by Gritley Mews from Yorkshire. The 25-year-old bicycle mechanic had been invited to a fancy dress party, and decided to go as a robot, covered head to foot in tin foil. It was only when he put on his robot head that he…

Tin Foil Titfer 1 ‘Ello! ‘Ello! ‘Ello! ‘Copper’ load of this tin foil hat. Whoever wears this will be an arresting sight. And the beat on the street says you’ll work this out quite constable-y. Tin Foil Titfer 2 Pay attention at the back. Ten out of ten if you can guess the wearer of this headgear. And if you don’t, then see us after class for six of the best. Tin Foil Titfer 3 Salve, citizens All roads will lead to where you’d find the wearer of this tin foil protective headwear. Si enodatio molestiam vobis affert, ansam accipite: galea centurionis est!…

MPs are being pressured to provide a proper explanation as to why soft play areas across the country are being forced to close due to the Covid pandemic, whilst the Indoor Play Centre at the House of Commons remains open. And regional mayors are furious that the Palace of Westminster is continuing to flout its own lockdown rules, seemingly able to stay open at all hours with little or no concern for the restrictions imposed on the rest of the country. bouncy The parliamentary soft play area, called Big Bens, features slides, climbing frames and a bouncy castle, and is popular amongst MPs wanting to let off steam after a long debate or gruelling select committee meeting. “It’s ‘one-for-rule-for-us and another-rule-for-them’,” said Eric Tonks, mayor of Blackpool which, under Tier…