Innholdsfortegnelse for November 2020 i Viz

WHILST strolling up Blackpool promenade last night, I thought of a new attraction mixing the annual autumn light show with the world of Greek hard cheese, called ‘Blackpool Hallouminations’. I’m not sure how many tourists this would pull in, but it’s a difficult time for the hospitality industry, so it has to be worth a try. Jim H, Blackpool I SAW an archaeologist on telly the other day saying that he had found a caveman settlement in Sussex that was 26 km long. He must think I was born yesterday, as we all know that the kilometre was invented in the 18th century by the French. If these so called scientists are going to make things up, they should at least try to make it a bit believable. Dave Gibbs,…

Archaeologist Dr Ingibjorg Magnusmagnusson from the University of Reykjavic says that a drinking vessel from classical Sparta could yield human DNA, which in turn could be used to clone the individual who drank from it two-and-a-half millennia ago. “It would be the first Spartan seen by human eyes since they became extinct in 192 BC,” said Dr Magnusmagnusson. “There are lots of Spartan artifacts in museums around the world–forks, spoons, swords–from which DNA could be extracted, and then it would be possible to clone a whole community of the ancient civilisation,” he told New Scientist magazine. “There would be warriors, free citizens and slaves, men and women, the lot,” he continued. “In a museum in Crete, there’s a helmet that belonged to the ruling Spartan monarch from 486BC. We can…

Lulu ON THE FACE OF IT, you would imagine Scottish singer Lulu to be a little out of place amongst an army of warriors hell bent on destroying their Persian invaders. But being brought up in Glasgow, the To Sir With Love favourite probably spent many hours scrapping and brawling in pubs, so would be well used to the combative environment of the battlefield. And don’t think her diminutive size would count against her, either. Two thousand years ago, people were much smaller than they are today, so Lulu - at 5 foot 2 - would be of fairly average Spartan height. And her booming voice, which she used to great effect at the start of her 1964 hit single Shout, could be put to good use to rally the…

Amber warning n. A log dropped in a partner’s bed; a subtle sign that a romantic relationship may just possibly be heading for trouble. Named in honour of Johnny Depp’s estranged squeeze, viz. Amber Heard = Douglas Hurd. and in local news… phr. Announcement immediately prior to a dispiriting report from our air pollution correspondent. back lane bandit n. A local youth behind the wheel of a souped-down chaviot who knows the serpentine country roads upon which you are travelling like the back of his hairy-palmed hand and therefore drives right up your arse. bargain bucket n. What one may eat when over-refreshed at the arse-end of a night out. An unappetisingly large and greasy fish supper festooned with batter bits. beach baby 1. n. Title of a 1974 song…

The study, which was researched and produced by Swedish scientists from the University of Gottenberg, found that time and time again, people who lived to a ripe old age were dying “significantly later” than people who passed away before them. perished Lead researcher Professor Gunilla Borgsdottir said: “Our findings suggest that dying is clinically proven to drastically reduce your lifespan. Studies showed that people who put off dying until they were 80 or 90 were living nearly TWICE as long as people who perished in their mid-forties.” “There have been many studies that have claimed the key to living longer is regular exercise or a healthy diet. These things are certainly important, but our research proves that not dying is far more important.” “The message is clear”, the Professor added.…

IN OUR more contemplative moments, every one of us has wondered what it would be like to be the infallible supreme leader of the worldwide Catholic Church. But if we actually DID get to be Bishop of Rome for 24 hours, what would we do with our time? We phoned up four of our favourite A-List celebs and asked them one simple question: What would YOU do if YOU were Pope For A Day? NIGEL FARAGE, bellend I LOVE smoking indoors, but due to the bonkers Brussels barmycrats, I’m not allowed to do it any more. So if I was Pope For A Day, I’d use the centuries-old loophole permitting the release of smoke from the Vatican when a new pope is announced to have a cheeky inside fag! I’d…

• In the gory fight sequences, the Spartans approach their enemies swinging their swords, before the film goes into slow motion as the blade delivers the fatal blow, then speeding up again. But according to historians, Spartan warriors killed their enemies at the same pace without slowing down in the middle. • The night before the 300 set off for Thermopylae, King Leonidas, played by GERARD BUTLER spends a night of passion with his love, Queen Gorgo. The scene is tasteful and romantic, but eagle-eyed viewers will notice that Butler has a Glasgow Celtic FC tattoo on his arse. A lifelong fan of the Bhoys, Butler had the crest tattooed on his buttocks on his 16th birthday. Special effects technicians were meant to remove it digitally in post-production, but forgot. •…

1 PACK a suitcase and set off to visit Sparta today, and you’re in for a disappointment. Because the City State was closed down for good in 192 BC by the Achaean League. And you can’t visit that, either, because that was shut down by the Roman Empire 46 years later. 2 SPARTA was unusual because it was ruled by two monarchs… at the same time! The Agiad and Eurypontid families both provided kings who ruled in tandem with shared duties. One, for instance, would deliver a Christmas Day message to the Spartan people whilst the other opened the Spartan parliament. When chatting to a member of the public, the Agiad king would ask what they did for a living, whilst the Eurypontid would ask if they had travelled very…

Dear Professor Fuck AN ACQUAINTANCE of mine recently described a most heinous and filthy act to which he had been forced to resort by circumstance. It seems that he awoke following a drunken one night stand to discover that he had soiled the bed of the lady he slept with. Guilt, shame and a certain bizarre ingenuity led him to flee the scene, but not before smearing some of his foulage on the lady’s sleeping buttocks, in effect passing the blame and associated embarrassment onto her when she eventually woke alone. Needless to say, it’s highly unlikely that such a specific and disgusting confluence of events would happen to him again but I wondered (upon his behalf) whether a term existed to describe this behaviour in case it ever did.…

For years, the Tex-Mex rocker has been advising fans to purchase inexpensive models in the band’s 1980 hit Cheap Sunglasses. But yesterday, Hill was spotted coming out of a Bel Air opticians wearing a brand new pair of Louis Vuitton shades that retail for an eye watering three-and-a-half grand. cheap “I feel let down” said ZZ Top fan Clunk Wangford. “‘Go get yourselves some cheap sunglasses’ we were told, and he spends a goddam fortune on a pair.” “It’s a slap in the face for all Topsters,” said Glint Triops, who had joined 2000 other fans protesting outside the offices of the band’s record company Warner Brothers. “Seems like it’s one rule for him, another for his fans, the hypocrite muthafucker.” hat Hill was unavailable for comment yesterday, but guitarist…

This immersive theatrical practice–developed by Russian board-treader Konstantin Stanislavski in the 1910s–requires an actor to stay in character at all times in order to achieve TOTAL identification with the role they are playing. Many of the finest cinematic turns in modern times have been rooted in the ‘method’ approach–from Day-Lewis’s groundbreaking performance as Abraham Lincoln in Lincoln and Marlon Brando’s Colonel Kurtz in Apocalypse Now, to Sid James’ mesmerising portrayal of Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond in Carry On Up The Khyber. But it’s not just Tinseltown’s great and good who have fallen head over heels for Stanislavski’s famous technique. Many players in the UK’s amateur dramatics scene also subscribe to this legendary craft. Just ask DOUGIE EGGWIG-JONES. Barnsley-based Dougie is one of South Yorkshire’s most critically revered amdram stars, and his…

WHEN Boris Johnson accidentally misspoke about how one of the laws his government drew up should be interpreted, it showed one thing - that the current Coronavirus legislation is an absolute shitshow. We all want to send this virus packing, like the PM said we would do in 12 weeks six months ago, and we are willing to abide by the rules set out. But what are those rules? Where can we go? Who can we meet? Do we have to wear a face mask? We’ve asked the Prime Minister to answer YOUR questions so we can all do our bit. • I LIVE in Newcastle and my boyfriend lives three streets away. We visited each other’s houses before the local lockdown, and I don’t know if I can now…

Children THE SPARTANS were notoriously strict with the upbringing of their children, treating them harshly, pointing out their faults and instilling a rigid code of honour in them. The result was that adult Spartans were strong and focused and able to deal with whatever life threw at them. Whilst not going quite so far as whipping our children with leather straps on their seventh birthday, we modern parents could benefit from toughening up our namby-pamby children in a Spartan manner. When dropping your children off at school, don’t give them a hug, but hold them firmly by the shoulders and tell them to “Come home with a gold star, or don’t come home at all.” Also let your young Spartan know that there is no shame, but rather honour, in…

Across 6 Man with arm round hooker, as covering up the end of scandal, breeds (10) 8 Jump some shemale, a porker (4) 10 Ultimate in poon on silver horse (3) 11 Last bit of feeshus from one’s rusty sheriff’s badge spattering a little rust! (7,4) 13 Area between leg and dirtbox in regular service (5) 15 See 28 Down 16 Special toiletry was an appliance for mopping up jam (8,5) 22 Old cows perhaps inspired by snatches, boiling beetroots (2,3,4) 25 Little room on end of dildo, this instrument placed between legs (5) 27 Attractive ladies in the vicinity? Fuck about! (5,6) 29 Request a sock that’s not filled (3) 30 Poke granny with a type of bread (4) 31 Thousand tits in wood - that’s some cliterature! (10)…

The centosecundian bubble was blown at 2:14:25 pm in Barnstaple Country Park, by four-year-old Maisie Plapple, and spent the majority of its record-breaking existence drifting haphazardly on air currents. gorse Eyewitnesses reported a hazardous time between 20 and 30 seconds when it looked as if the spherical film of soapy water might be about to drift into a gorse bush, but a sudden light breeze at 2:14:55 blew the 2.1cm wide structure in the opposite direction. After floating around the park for another 80 seconds or so, the bubble finally succumbed to atmospheric pressure at 2:16:23. “This really is remarkable,” said Dr Septimus Clard, Professor of Fluid Mechanics at the University of Cambridge. “When the previous record holder made it to 104 seconds back in 1985, we pretty much thought…