Innholdsfortegnelse for October 2020 i Viz

Terry Rarebit, 52, was apparently in perfect health on Thursday morning, and was browsing through Twitter when he suddenly keeled over. reading Speaking to the Derby Meatus & Banjo String, Rarebit’s wife Mary, 51 told reporters, 46, 38, 26 and 61: “Terry was reading something about Sarah Vine’s latest poisonous Daily Mail column. He was going on about how dreadful she was. Then, quite without thinking, I mentioned that she is married to that awful Michael Gove.” round A tearful Mrs Rarebit continued: “Terry chuckled and said: ‘Christ, imagine the two of them going at it.’ Then suddenly there was this almighty crash. When I looked round, Terry was twitching on the kitchen floor, white as a sheet, with his face twisted into a grotesque rictus of terror.” “I thought…

THE COVID-19 pandemic has had a profound impact around the world. And as the infection rate steadily declines, recovered victims are reporting suffering intense fatigue long after the symptoms of the illness are gone. Extreme exhaustion mid-way through the day seems to be one of the long term effects of this virulent virus, and many sufferers are only able to get through their regular routine with a rest. The virus has affected people from every walk of life, leaving them tired, listless and debilitated. And with such a high number of cases in the country, post-Covid Britain will prove to be a very different place from the one the virus initially infected. Viz scientific correspondent, Prof Stanley Jordan takes a look at how every aspect of life in Britain will…

AMULTI-BILLIONAIRE autocrat has become the biggest economic victim so far of the Covid-19 pandemic, after announcing that he is temporarily suspending plans to take over the world. Evil criminal mastermind Ernst Blofeld spoke on a live YouTube stream yesterday, telling the world that a global pandemic is not the best time to seize control of the planet. lap Badly positioned so viewers could only see the Persian cat he was stroking on his lap, the 72-year-old tyrant assured viewers that he would be back to assert his ultimate authority over humanity once it was safe to do so. “I had spent years preparing a litany of evil plans to hold the world to ransom which I was about to abstractedly explain in excruciating detail to world leaders,” he told the…

Hi. TOM HOLLANDER here. You’ll know me as a respected British actor of stage and screen, whose credits include About Time, Pirates of the Caribbean and ITV’s Doctor Thorne. But I’m not here today to talk about all that dreary old shite – I’m here to talk about COLANDERS! That’s right! Ever since I was a youngster, I’ve been obsessed by these ingenious perforated kitchen utensils… and I’ll level with you: I love colanders more than I love anything else on Earth. And judging by the size of my Hollander’s Colanders postbag, you lot are fucking bonkers about them too! So let’s stop fannying around and ‘sieve’ a big round of applause for the best letters about sieves, colanders and strainers I’ve received this week. Lotsa love, Tom I WANTED…

WHEN was the sieve invented and by whom? Mrs Agnes Mighty, Stapleton *Believe it or not, Agnes, the sieve was invented by none other than Renaissance brainbox LEONARDO DA VINCI! In 1486, Da Vinci had been invited by fellow Italian egghead Michelangelo to attend a Doctor Who-themed fancy dress party. The Mona Lisa fave set about fashioning a rudimentary ‘Dalek’ outfit from a 15th century sink plunger and a metal bowl into which he drilled some holes. When he returned home later that night, he realised that the hole-riddled Dalek headpiece he’d created was perfect for straining pasta and rinsing salad. Hey presto! the modern colander was born! WHO owns the largest collection of sieves on Earth? Mrs Ada Buck, Steubenville *The person in possession of the most sieves on…

☐ CAN Covid-19 get in via your bottom? I’m going to the zoo today and I am bound to need a shit at some stage and I’m a little concerned that someone may have coughed on the seat. Stuie, Bunny * That’s a very good question, Stuie. Perhaps the government’s chief medical officer Prof. Chris Whitty could write in and tell our readers if they can catch Covid-19 off of toilet seats at the zoo. ☐ I’M sick of how negative the mainstream media has become. Almost every day we hear about people who have died, but there are never any stories about those who have come back to life like Jesus did. Come on, let’s have a bit more balanced reporting, please. Ben Nunn, Caterham ☐ THEY say that…

YOU CAN’T get a job without experience… and you can’t get experience without a job. It’s the Catch-22 situation that faces everyone looking for work these days. And it’s the reason why INTERNSHIPS have become the norm in many spheres of our economy. These non-paying positions allow new workers to gain valuable on-the-job experience, whilst giving employers the chance to see how potential recruits fit into the workplace before making the commitment of offering a full-time job; it’s a win-win situation. So let’s visit a typical London advertising agency and follow an excited young intern from his first day at work… JULY 1980 Tom Golightly graduates from a top Humberside University with a degree in Media Studies. This is the first step on his dream journey to becoming a top…

MANY BUSINESSES are struggling to keep afloat during the Covid-19 pandemic, and those in the field of totalitarian oppression are no different. Here’s how a few evil geniuses have survived through lockdown and how they plan to adapt to the ‘new normal.’ ASSASSIN-for-hire Francisco Scaramanga has not shot any public figure dead in an attempt to de-stabilise the United Nations since February. “I have mild asthma, so I’ve been shielding,” he explained on a crackly, untraceable phone line. “I’ve been quite anxious about going out, but luckily I have a private island patrolled by 300 henchmen trained in the martial arts,” he added. But coronavirus has put the 65-year-old’s assassination duties on hold. “Nobody wants anybody killed during this plague,” he said. “Anyway, I’ve ran out of gold bullets since…

Dear Professor Fuck VIZ 297 defined a ‘symphony’ as ‘a stirring trip to the thunderbox that consists of three separate and distinct movements’. Of course, as all devotees of classical music know, symphonies usually consist of four boring movements, and a three-movement foulage should rightly be called a ‘divertimento’ or ‘cassation’. For a ten-movement epic you can use ‘Turangalîla’, after Messiaen’s 1948 masterpiece, which he named after the sound he made while expelling it. Bernard Hughes, London Are YOU at a loss for words to describe something you’ve seen, something you’ve done or something that’s come out of your arse? Write to Professor Fuck at profanisaurus@viz.co.uk…

The horrific monster masks, which date back to 2002 AD were worn by the band during their Eurovision winning performance of Hard Rock Hallelujah in 2006, and are currently on display in Stockholm’s ABBA museum, curated in a special wing dedicated to artifacts from the famous song contest. Finnish Finnish diplomats say that, historically, the natural home for the exhibits should be one of the many museums of art and culture in Helsinki. But the Swedish government has refused to hand them back, leading to tension between the Scandinavian neighbours. Railway Diplomatic negotiations regarding the possible repatriation of the seven masks, made from latex and PVC, have been ongoing since 2007 and have thus far remained on friendly terms. But the tension was raised last week when Finnish Minister for…

Q: What’s a colander’s favourite 1970s game show? A: Sieve Us A Clue! (Give Us A Clue) Ben Elton, London Q: Why did no one go to the colander’s birthday party? A: Because a hole lot of people despised him! (Colanders are full of holes) Bob Monkhouse, Heaven Q: Why did the colander start taking sleeping tablety-wableties? A: Because he was under a lot of strainy-wainy! (Strain is another word for the act of removing solids from a liquid substance) Russell Brand, London Q: What’s a colander’s favourite Italian side dish? A: Garlic bread! P Kay, Bolton Are YOU a comedian with a joke about colanders, sieves or any other perforated kitchen utensil? Write in and tell us it. Every sieve silly we print wins a year’s residency at The…

TOP SECRET JA MES BOND COLANDER FACT 001: He may have tinkered with pens, watches, brollies and cars, but believe it or not, James Bond’s eccentric quartermaster Q never issued 007 with a souped-up COLANDER! “We’ve never even considered it,” said Bond producer Barbara Broccoli when we emailed her about the oversight, adding: “How did you get this address?” TOP SECRET JA MES BOND COLANDER FACT 002: Incredibly, not ONCE in the 14 official James Bond books or 24 James Bond movies do we see 007 using a sieve! The forthcoming 25th Bond film, No Time To Die, may well contain a scene in which the suave spy uses a colander–perhaps to drain some pasta or rinse some salad – but for the moment producer BARBARA BROCCOLI is remaining tight-lipped.…

BUSINESSMEN. Encourage clients to ‘support local businesses’ by turning down any orders from over 2miles away. Rev.Max, Chandler’s Ford CONFUSE and silence conspiracy loons by responding to their outrageous bullshit with, “That’s what THEY actually WANT you to think.” James Wallace, Belper TRANQUILISER darts make an ideal vegan alternative to conventional ammunition for ethical big game hunters. Helmut Cheeseman, Bredbury FOOTBALL ground stewards. Take a sneaky peak at what is happening on the pitch by fitting wing mirrors to your shoulders. Grant B Warner, New Zealand WITH a bit of practice, it is possible to squat and lay a turd on a running machine. By adjusting the speed of the belt, you can work out your exact cable laying speed in miles per hour. It is recommended that you forewarn…

ROUND 1… SIDEBURNS ASK anyone to describe what’s famously growing down in front of the iconic Tour de France winner’s ears, and they’ll answer without hesitation – “sideburns!” But this photo, snapped during the 2009 Northern Rock Cyclone Beaumont Trophy race meeting and handily free of copyright restrictions, provides compelling evidence that Wiggins thinks nothing of shaving off his trademark face fannies any time the mood strikes him. 0 ROUND 2… COMING 4TH IN THE 2009 TOUR DE FRANCE AT FIRST glance, this round would seem to be an easy slam-dunk for the decorated cyclist who enjoyed an illustrious 15-year career in the saddle, and famously pedalled his way to a fine 4th place in 2009’s running of the highly prestigious French roadrace. But wait – proven drugs cheat Lance…

No. 299 Across 8 Ring fucking huge in Greek character (5) 9 God in need of soothing cream, looking from the rear (4) 10 Chuff odour literally appalling at first - it fizzes! (4) 12 Mighty wind split a bitch perhaps, then backside wiped (7) 13 Prudence on my erect cock, orgasm starts spurting (7) 14 Dalhoonies initially put on, sign they’re moobs (9) 15 Nationalist leader in Mussolini possibly, fucking stupid idiot (5) 16 A former lover lying back, hairy wound inflicted with this? (3) 17 Different dash of organzola inside male part (7) 19 Company wiped off snake in tit pants (3) 20 Poems about Surrey town (whose salts made me shit myself) (5) 22 Equilateral shapes, perhaps, in largest boobs (9) 23 Touching end of clit, performing…

DON’T waste money on expensive salad bowls. Simply plug up the holes in your colander with Blu-Tak, or line it with clingfilm and use that instead. SAVE money on expensive showers by simply holding a colander over your head and having a friend or relative pour a bucket of water into it. HALVE the time it takes to drain vegetables by drilling another hole immediately to the left or right of every original hole in your colander. A TEA strainer makes an ideal colander for rinsing small amounts of vegetable, for example, 20 peas, or straining extremely small amounts of pasta, such as 8 conchiglies. COLANDERS get used on average just under twice a week. So save a fortune by getting together with three friends to buy one communally. A…

“THAT’S A funny looking sieve, Granny,” my 5-year-old grandson Toby said to me the other day. I had to laugh out loud at the daft twat’s error – he was pointing at a Zaru, which is in fact a traditional, bamboo-hewn Japanese draining basket and not actually a sieve at all! The look on the little prick’s face as I mercilessly ridiculed him was priceless. Mrs Vera Horrible, Nuneaton Has YOUR shit-for-brains grandchild fuckwittedly confused one type of kitchen straining utensil for another? Write in and tell us about it – you’ll win a decade’s supply of either sieves or grandchildren for every grandchild that you publicly humiliate.…