Innholdsfortegnelse for September 2020 i Viz

WHEN I heard the tragic news that Dame Vera Margaret Lynn CH DBE OStJ (nee Welch) had died at the age of 103 years of age, I wept and I wept and I wept. And after I had wept and wept and wept, I wept and I wept and I wept some more. The tears just kept gushing out of my eyes like firehoses. Firehoses of grief. And then, when I thought that I had wept and wept and wept the last tear my grief-wracked body could summon up and eject from its nasolacrimal ducts, I wept even more. My sadness was infinite, like a black hole of despair, bigger than the one in Calcutta. Much bigger. Much, much bigger. Much, much, much bigger. I wept so much that I…

RAISIN HEL Los Angeles, USA BRITISH STAGE and screen icon DAME HELEN MIRREN has shocked fans by launching a high profile bid to enter the Guinness Book of World Records… for eating the most raisins in the space of an hour. “I love raisins, me. In fact, cards on the table, I probably like them more than I like acting,” she told Hollywood gossip columnist Fanny Batter. “I’ll be training with some of Tinseltown’s top dried grape specialists to make sure I blow the ‘currant’ record out of the water,” the Caligula star quipped. LIDL BUY LIDDLE Munich, Germany THE GERMAN supermarket giant LIDL has shelled out an undisclosed fee to purchase the journalist, broadcaster and twat ROD LIDDLE. Lidl bought Liddle at around 9pm Central European Time yesterday evening,…

EXCLUSIVE! THE GREAT British picnic is about to undergo a dramatic change. That’s because, as the United Kingdom leaves the European Union in 2021, the humble SCOTCH EGG is set to be rebranded! The popular dish, consisting of a boiled egg wrapped in sausage meat and breadcrumbs, has been a picnic staple for decades. But Downing Street believes the time has come for the savoury snack to reflect not just Scotland, but the whole of the Union. A Number 10 spokesman told us: “In January, the United Kingdom will be going it alone on the world stage. And we want the rest of the world to associate these delicious, meaty eggs with Great Britain, and not just a small part of it.” “Calling these savoury treats ‘Scotch eggs’ is selling…

ASPOST-LOCKDOWN Britain basks in the summer sun, there is one burning topic that’s keeping everyone in the country talking, from Lands End to John O’Groats and from Muckle Stack to Porthcurno. Just WHO (or it might be WHICH) is the best Sir Tom? Is it wild-pelvised Welsh sexbomb SIR TOM JONES, who has been filling women’s knickers with lovejuice since the 60s? Or is it marathon-walking war hero SIR TOM MOORE, who recently marked his centenary by raising £30 million for NHS charities? These two brave Sir Toms now enter the fray and prepare to joust – not with them long sticks like knights of old – but with facts and figures about their lives. At the end of the tournament, only one of them will leave the arena with…

No. 298 Across 1 Methane spoils her gusset, and stinks initially (5,3) 6/10 Fail - as won’t a stubborn chod? (2,4,3,3) 9 From behind, he’s poking a part - such as this? (8) 10 See 6 11 Python in knockers a wobbling! (4,5) 12 See 24 Down 14 Pound nipsy endlessly, or put it about (6) 15 Girl noshed by you from behind without a problem! (6) 17 See 18 Down 19 Twat - one chucking up? (6) 22 Hawaiian greeting buffalo, happily gobbles (5) 23 Massage back, pulling hard sportingly? 6 across by doing this (9) 25 Dance role misinterpreted by lad having wiped rear (6) 26 Plonker finally tucked inside dunghampers, might meat and two veg be stored in those? (8) 27 Let me present the ultimate in…

In 2015, after the stretch of the the Lancaster Canal running through the town was assessed as ‘toxic’ and given the lowest water quality rating possible, the local council began a clean-up campaign. The project resulted the waterway receiving a 2017 Clean Water Award and EU Clean Canal status in 2018. canal But the clean-up didn’t stop there, and many campaigners believe that the council has gone too far in its efforts to purify the canal, with unintended consequences. “The whole situation is deeply worrying,” said local resident Douglas Fur. “The water is crystal clear, and you can see right to the bottom, which is all well and good. But they’ve cleaned it up to the point where it’s acquired strange, ungodly properties.” He continued: “There’s the immortality for starters.…

THE 21ST century has seen some miraculous advancements in science - the Event Horizon Telescope taking the first photograph of a supermassive black hole; the 2012 discovery of the Higgs Boson fundamental particle; the 3D printing of working prosthetic body parts. But boffins have admitted that despite these advances and more, no discovery comes close to Toast Toppers. “They’re pretty much the pinnacle of scientific endeavour,” explained Barrington Onions, Professor of Science at Oxford University. genome “Sequencing the human genome was an extraordinarily difficult and impressive project. But a small tin of brownish stuff that, when you spread it on toast and grill it, tastes fantastic - that takes some beating,” he said. Tinned snack ‘ pinnacle of discovery’ “Why would you even want a human genome when you could…

Viz Comic, P.O. Box 841 Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ letters@viz.co.uk E-mail letters@viz.co.uk ⃞ OUR RECENT pizza order was delivered by a bloke in an Audi TT. Who knew there was that much profit to be made selling bread discs with tomato sauce and cheese on top for £20 a pop? Mike Tatham, St. Andrews ⃞ INSPIRED by a sign on a bench in our local park saying “He spent many happy hours sitting here,” I asked the Beate Uhse sex shop in Hamburg if they’d put up a similar sign in my memory in wank booth number four when I died. But they told me to fuck off. In German. Leonard Wankbender, Edinburgh ⃞ DOES ANYONE else step over discarded facemasks like they were used rubber Johnnys? The times, they…

⃞ ANIMAL experts tell us that snakes are more scared of humans than we are of them. What nonsense. When I encountered a king cobra while on holiday in India, I shat myself but the snake didn’t. Martin Harwood, Bradford ⃞ ON A trek through the mountains of Brazil, I encountered both the highly venomous Coral Cobra (Micrurus decoratus) and its perfectly harmless look-a-like, the False Coral Cobra (Erythrolamprus aesculapii). You can tell them apart as one has an extra band of white in its markings, although I can’t recall if that’s the killer or the imposter. Luckily, there’s a rhyme to help people remember which is which. It goes… Duas cobras, uma venenosa, uma não,Mas qual é qual e qual não é,O mortal tem duas faixas brancas,O impostor três,…

FROM next year, ask for a Scotch egg in a shop and you’ll be met with a blank stare. Because by then they’ll be called something else. But what, exactly? We called some well known celebrities, as well as a tosspot and a bellend, to ask what new name they would give to the Scotch egg. NIGEL FARAGE XENOPHOBIC PARTY LEADER I’d call it an English pub egg. And I love nothing better than popping down my local in my Barbour jacket and my fucking tweed cap to enjoy posing for a photo with a delicious pint in my hand and one of these yummy non-foreign treats just by my mouth, breathing all stale Embassy Regal fumes onto it. COLIN FIRTH LADIES’ FAVOURITE ACTOR When I was filming Pride and…

GENTS. Avoid having to spend £5,000 on a Marriage Vow Renewal Ceremony in Florence by not getting caught shagging a woman from work over the photo copier. Torbjorn Wallpaper, Hull INCREASE the romance of your wife finding you have blocked the toilet by leaving a trail of rose petals scattered across the bathroom floor, leading to the pot. Ian Baker, Weston-super-Mare PRESENTERS of Inside The Factory on BBC2. Don’t act so amazed every time you give us facts like Britain eats over a million Kit-Kats a week, or drinks over 10 million litres of Cola ayear. There are 70 million of us, so everything that we consume is going to be in the ballpark of millions. David Wardle, Manchester WORKMEN. Put a sign on your van that says ‘Tools ARE…