Innholdsfortegnelse for June/Juluy 2020 i Viz

FORMER TAKE THAT! frontman Gary Barlow opened his heart to reporters yesterday, telling them how the pressures of fame at the height of his pop success had made him pile on the pounds into an offshire account. Barlow, known as the one who could play the piano a bit, revealed that things first started to go badly in the late nineties. He said: “One day we were a struggling band, the next we were on a world tour with a four album deal.” “If I’m honest, I didn’t handle it very well, and I started to invest in an index-linked, enterprise, investment venture capital scheme.” cheques “Even after I quit music in 1999, the royalty cheques just kept coming in. I was just sat in my big house in Cheshire,…

One of the tragedies of the Covid-19 crisis is that the supply of Viz Crossword Travel Mugs has temporarily dried up. So until things return to normal, crossword winners and runners up will receive an original A4-sized protrait of Roger Mellie drawn by a Viz cartoonist and signed by Roger himself. It’ll go for about £50 on ebay. Send your entry to: Craptic Crossword 296, Viz Comic, PO Box 841, Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ The first correct entry out of the hat on MONDAY 8th JUNE will win a hand drawn ORIGINAL PORTRAIT OF ROGER MELLIE along with a VIZ CHEAP PEN and a CHEQUE for £50.00. Five runners up will recieve the portrait and pen. And anyone who wants a cheap Viz pen, just send a LARGE LETTER STAMP…

WHY DO we say elephants never forget? Surely it should be wives. I’ve yet to hear an elephant give me earache over something I said or did 15 fucking years ago. Eldon Furse, email I AM sitting on the throne contemplating all of the things I have done in my life and if I have one regret, it’s throwing all those toilet rolls onto the pitch at football matches in the 1970s. If I could only have my time again. Stella Vurus, Chester le Street WHY DO I need a birth certififificate? I’m here. Isn’t that sufficient proof I was born? STAR LETTER WHILST watching the film V For Vendetta, I couldn’t help thinking that actually V was for Viennetta, the delicious frozen dessert. Richard Deverux, Hereford WHILST visiting my…

Dear Miriam, IRECENTLY met a guy on an online dating site. We both had lots in common, especially a love of legally disposing of large volumes of household and commercial waste. For our first “date” he suggested picking me up in his truck at 3:00 in the morning and driving to a remote country lane. After a quick collection from a lock-up, we eventually arrived at a lovely beauty spot down a narrow trackway in the secluded countryside and parked up next to a farmer’s field. He jumped out the front and went to the back where he unloaded two old fridges, a dishwasher, three rolls of battered lino and several old tyres, and then dumped them at the side of the road. On his profile he had bragged about…

ARCHAEOLOGISTS at Oxford’s Ashmolean Museum reacted with shock yesterday after a long-dead Egyptian Pharaoh in their collection rose from the dead! The Pharaoh, Rameses II, died in 1213BCE and since his tomb’s discovery in 1928, his mummified remains have been on display in the town centre museum. Security guards on the night shift heard noises coming from the vicinity of the Egyptology department at around 3am on Tuesday. “I’ve never been more frightened in all my life,” said museum guard Frank Sludge. “We stood rooted to the spot in horror as the ghastly figure emerged from the tomb, his stinking bandages falling from his flesh as he moved.” shocked CCTV footage shows the 3000-year-old figure emerging from his heiroglyph-decorated wooden sarcophagus. But it was what happened next that really shocked…

HI. SIR KEIR STARMER out of the Labour Party here. You’ll know me as the immaculately coiffed leader of the opposition, but what you probably DON’T know about me is that I am bonkers about llamas, spending approximately 95% of my waking hours thinking about these South American camelids. In fact, you might say that for me, llamas are a “Labour” of love! (Because I’m in the Labour Party and I love llamas). But that’s enough larking about, because judging by the size of my Starmer’s Llamas postbag, you lot are sods for these spitting, shaggy-haired lanky sheep too. So, let’s lift the (came)lid on some of the best letters about llamas, alpacas, guanacos and vicunas you’ve sent me this week. Llama-lovin’ rege ards, Sir Keir SEEING as how llamas…

A: Emerson, Lake & Llama (Emerson, Lake & Palmer) D Letterman, New York Q: What’s a domesticated South American camelid’s favourite 1980s pop trio? A: Banana-llama (Bananarama) J Seinfeld, New York Q: What’s a domesticated South American camelid’s favourite 44th US president? A: Barack O-Llama (Barack Obama) V Putin, Moscow Q: What does a domesticated South American camelid say if it has organised a picnic and it discovers at the last minute that an extra person will be attending? A: “Alpaca-nother sandwich” (I’ll pack another sandwich) K Jong-un, Pyongyang We literally can’t get enough of your bonkers cetartiodactylic japes. Keep them coming in – every single one we print wins a lifetime’s supply of ten, twenty and fifty pound notes for you and 3,000 friends.…

Dear AB of C, I’VE ALWAYS loved llamas but I’ve never been able to own one as my husband is severely allergic to their phlegm. So you can imagine my envy and covetousness when my next-door neighbour bought herself a lovely shaggy llama. I watch the beast jealously all day through our living room window as it struts about my neighbour’s front garden, chewing the lawn and spitting at her. I know the Bible says thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s ox or thy neighbour’s ass, but since it doesn’t explicitly mention anything about not coveting thy neighbour’s llama, do you think I’ll still be all right for a spot up in Heaven when I shuffle off this mortal coil? Edna Blue-Haze, Ardwick Bridge The AB of C says: “I’m…

profanisaurus@viz.co.uk angry one n. Descriptive of the hostile body language employed by a gentleman lost in the act of self love. ‘If Kelly Brook wanted to lift the nation’s spirits during these uncertain times, she could get them out again, and we could all have a simultaneous angry one at 8 o’clock.’ (Piers Morgan, apple cunt n. pej. A spoilt little shit who, no matter how much money you spend on them, always wants more. Based on the popular phone company who do things like changing their charger connection, replacing the headphones socket etc., just so you have to buy their own, expensive stuff instead of the Poundland alternative, when it breaks. arse croutons n. Small wads of rolled up chod wipe found nestled betwixt the ample bummocks of a…

1 LLAMAS are the only mammals on Earth who communicate by humming, apart from hummingbirds, giraffes and the Dave Clark Five. 2 BELIEVE IT or not, llamas have THREE stomachs! "Mental, isn't it?" says TV naturalist DAVID ATTENBOROUGH. "It's like something out of fucking Blade Runner. And this'll really blow your wig off. Cows've got FOUR stomachs. I mean: for fuck's sake! Four! Isn't nature fucking bonkers?" the national treasure added. 3 AN ANAGRAM of 'llamas' is 'small', with an 'a' left over – which is ironic because llamas aren't particularly small. They regularly grow to around 6ft in height – which is nearly THREE TIMES the height of adult human U2 vocalist, BONO. 4 THE SMALLEST ever llama was not an animal… but the Dalai Lama! In 2006, the…