Innholdsfortegnelse for April 2020 i Viz

□ SO THE flippin’ hipsters are at it again, this time making words up. I’ve gotten along just fine for the last forty-odd years of my life without the word ‘umami’ in my lexicon, but now, every time I watch a cookery show on telly, there’s some twonk with a beard and tattoos prattling on about it. Call me old-fashioned, but what was wrong with the phrase “a savoury taste characteristic of broths and cooked meats”? Jim H, Blackpool □ I RECENTLY took an empty, unattended pushchair from outside a supermarket and I wheeled it into the canal. I think toddlers should be taught that they live in a cruel world, and a long walk home on barely developed little legs should help them to realise this fact. Stuart Achilles,…

The Epstein & Weinstein Mint Feel Obliged to present A Charmingly Collectible Limited Edition Plate Corroborating the Alibi of Britain’s Favourite Royal Yours for a single* payment of £29.99 (*52, actually) ON February 19th, Prince Andrew, Duke ofYork celebrated his 60th birthday. Not for him the pomp and ceremony ofa grand state occasion; instead, he chose to mark his special day quietly at home amongst his family. For tragically, Britain’s favourite Royal has been forced - by circumstances out side of his control - to retire from his lightweight public duties after vile and untrue accusations were made about his private life. It is unthinkable that a senior Royal should have his impeccable character traduced in this way, but sadly we now live in times when the word of a young…

profanisaurus@viz.co.uk and then the guns fell silent exclam. Something to be said during a period of uneasy calm following a furious fusilade of bumshots. and to think… I hesitated exclam. Hellbound: Hellraiser 2-inspired pronouncement following a transdimensionally diabolical message from the chamber of hell that smells like an attic full of corpses and will almost certainly necessitate the destruction of a mattress. backhander n. A gypsy’s kiss of such explosive ferocity that the unfortunate individual using the next urinal can feel the sprayback on the back of their hand. balloon technician n. medic. A cosmetic surgeon; one who adjusts the amount of air in women’s cans. bear’s cave euph. A rather scary arsehole with brown claw marks around the entrance. bland job n. Run-of-the-mill manual relief administered by a frankly uninterested partner. A bland job is…

HOWDY Y’ALL! It’s DOLLY PARTON here. Y’all probably don’t know this, but when I’m not singin’ country ‘n’ western tunes, there’s nothing I like better than speculatin’ about which A-List celebs secretly wear pubic wigs! So why don’t y’all join me now in tryin’ to guess the identities of these four alleged showbiz merkin-wearers, as we play… Merkin Nine To Five! ‘Huw’ would’ve guessed that this silver-haired Welsh anchorman secretly sports a merkin beneath his BBC desk?! It’ll be ‘(Ten O’Clock) news’ to most of us… It’s been a ‘Hard Day’s Night’ and this pubic-wig-wearin’ former Beatle has been ‘merkin like a dog! But can you ‘Macca’ educated guess at who he might be…? It ap-Piers that this snowflake-baiting telly fave can’t leave the house without his trusty nylon pubic…

Dear Pope F, MY HUSBAND Brian was a good wig-wearing Catholic who passed away peacefully yesterday after a massive heart attack. I plan to bury him with his toupée on, as it was his pride and joy and he wouldn’t leave home without it. However, I am very concerned that it might blow off during the long flight up to Heaven, thus leaving him timid, embarrassed and housebound for all eternity. Can you offer any advice as to how I can ensure my hubby enters Paradise with his hairpiece still intact? Maureen Buttocks, Wessex Pope F says: “The flight up to Heaven can indeed get rather blustery, Maureen, so I would advise fixing an elasticated chin strap to Brian’s wig before you bury him in it. This will hold his hairpiece…

Fold-faced Krankie said he was delighted with the award, and said that he and his wife and son James ‘Wee Jimmy’ Krankie would be celebrating at a private get-together of close friends and internet contacts in a layby off the A74 near Bridgeton. absurd The BBC’s absurdly-coiffed arts correspondent Will Gompertz dubbed Krankie’s win “a victory for the people.” He told us: “For a long time now people have felt that Ian McShane’s craggy face hasn’t been what it used to be in his early-1990s heyday.” Following an unexpected late-career resurgence in American TV and film, many commentators have felt that the former Lovejoy actor has enjoyed a relaxed, stress-free Hollywood lifestyle, complete with all manner of creams, unguents and new-age skin treatments, which has inevitably led to a significant…

BILLIONAIRE rap star P DIDDY sent shockwaves through the worlds of music and magic last night, when he splashed out a whopping $15 million… on Paul Daniels’ wig! The Harlem-born hip hopper cast the largest bid at a fiercely contested Sotheby’s auction in order to purchase the mousy grey hairpiece, which was worn by the late Middlesbrough conjuror between 1985 and 1991. “Paul is a muthafuckin’ icon of small screen wizardry,” an elated Diddy told reporters outside the auction house. “I knew when I saw his toupée in the Sotheby’s catalogue that I simply had to have it – no matter what the cost.”. BELIEVE IT OR NOT, top NWA rapper ICE CUBE is afraid of wigs! That’s right: for unexplained medical reasons the Fuck Tha Police fave cannot even…

Wotcha! POPE FRANCIS here. You’ll know me as God’s infallible representative on Earth, but that’s just my day job. My real passion is WIGS. That’s right, I simply can’t get enough of these synthetic head accessories made from human or animal hair, or in some cases artificial fibres. In fact, if you put a gun to my head and asked me to choose between religion and wigs, I’d pick wigs every time. I genuinely like wigs more than I like the Catholic faith and I don’t give a fuck who knows it. And judging by the size of this week’s ‘Papal Syrups’ postbag, you lot are pretty taken with them too! So, come on: let’s stop fannying about and ‘wig in’ (dig in) to my very ‘wig’ (big) bag of…

• EVERYONE REMEMBERS SAMUEL L JACKSON’s iconic burger chomping speech in Pulp Fiction, in which he quotes the Bible passage Ezekiel 25:17 before shooting a man in the face. But what’s less well known is that Jackson royally ballsed up the first take of this famous monologue… becausehehad hiswig on backwards! Director QUENTIN TARANTINO recalls: “We were all silently pissing ourselves, because Samuel had unwittingly put his Jheri curl hairpiece on the wrong way round, so it covered his entire face! He didn’t twig and just carried on saying the lines, even though the words were coming out all muffled. I couldn’t resist letting the daft twat finish the wholefive-minute monologue before I called ‘cut’. The look onpoor sod’s face when we told him what had happened was priceless!” •…