Innholdsfortegnelse for February 2020 i Viz

HOW come you never see anyone buffing an apple on their jumper before eating it any more? I don’t even do it myself, as no doubt the PC lobby has now deemed it a ‘hate crime’ or some such, and I have no wish to be hauled up before the courts. Two Jackets, Waterford WHY America has invested billions to develop a camera so powerful it can read a newspaper headline from space is anyone’s guess. Why don’t they just send astronauts up with a Kindle and pay the subscription fee for an electronic copy of their preferred newspaper? This would also allow them to read the full article and not just the headline. Paul Padre, Walkington I THINK I’ve just walked past Bill Oddie, but it might have just…

WE at Viz Comic are not going to stand idly by and watch the great name of Len disappear into the history books along with likes of Percy, Wilbur and Ebeneezer. That’s why we’re offering all expectant parents £50 CASH to name their son Len. If your baby is a girl and you name her Len, you get £100. To claim your money, simply send a photocopy of little Len’s birth certificate to: Save Our Lens, Viz Comic, PO Box 841, Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ. Your offspring must have been born in 2019, and the name Len must appear as their Christian name on the certificate. Nicknames will not be accepted.…

2020 marks the 500th anniversary of the twelfth year of the reign of King Henry VIII, the fiery Tudor monarch who changed the face of Britain forever. Although he was responsible for the Dissolution of the Monasteries, the 16th century religious schism that drove a wedge between the Holy Roman See and the Church of England, Henry is best known as a serial fanny rat who married 6 times. His wives were drawn from a fascinating variety of countries, cultures and backgrounds, and each one illuminates a different fascinating aspect of Tudor history. But if Henry were on the throne today, who would he choose as his six wives? It’s time to take a look at the half dozen modern day celebrities to whom Henry VIII would plight his mercurial…

A CABBAGE attached to your scrotum with duct tape makes an ideal scrotum-stretching weight. If it is too heavy and causing over-stretching, simply remove a few of the outer leaves. Kirk Flatus, Filey RUIN the reputation of a new coworker by starting to steal from colleagues and leaving massive shits unflushed in the works toilets soon after they arrive, and then refraining from these activities whenever they are off. Mike Tatham, St. Andrews NAIL manufacturers. Fight back against the commercial success of the super-strong adhesive ‘ No More Nails’ by rebranding your nails as ‘No More No More Nails’ Jack Funtingdale, Bradfield Combust ENGLAND rugby team. Intimidate your opponents by performing a Morris Dance before every game. James Wallace, Belper CONVINCE family and friends that you ’re actually an American…

WINNING a life-changing fortune on the lottery is everyone’s dream. But to lose the magic ticket before even cashing it in is surely the stuff of nightmares. And it’s a nightmare that former West Yorkshire binman GARY EGGPIPER knows all too well, after he came into unbelievable fortunes on several occasions, only to have his riches cruelly snatched from his hands by the fickle finger of fate. “I sometimes feel like the world is playing a sick joke on me,” Eggpiper, 57, told his local paper the Choddington Chronicle. “To see my winnings go up in smoke once is rotten luck, but going through the same experience on multiple occasions makes me think it just isn’t supposed to happen.” And Gary’ isn’t the only victim of his bad luck. It…

THEY can be big, they can be small, they can be round and they can be square… but they’re no use when they’re flat. They’re batteries, and these handy little tins of electricity have been making our lives easier for longer than hem for granted every day, but how much do we really know about these... 1 ON DECEMBER 25TH 1836, 8-year-old Dennis Daniell opened a Christmas present from his uncle – a remote control monster truck. Unfortunately, there were no batteries to operate the toy. And that’s not surprising, because they hadn’t been invented yet! Luckily, Denis’s dad, John Frederick Daniell, was a professor of Chemistry, and when he saw his disappointed son’s tears, he immediately popped into his laboratory and invented the world’s first “voltaic cell”. This primitive…

LEAMINGTON SPA Councillors this week unveiled plans to rocket into the record books as the first town in Britain to journey into space. And the town’s planning committee have set an ambitious date of 2021 to get it done. “It’s time to put Leamington Spa on the map, and the way we’ve decided to do that is by sending everyone who lives here into space,” said local councillor, Rilkie Balbatross. “Leamington has a population of 55,733, so getting everyone up there at the same time sadly won’t be possible. We’re currently in talks with NASA discussing the logistics of doing it in shifts,” he added. bylaws The council plans to use the 2011 census to work through the various wards, allocating time slots to each household instructing them when to…

ON THE CAMPAIGN trail during the last General Election, Tory leader Boris Johnson hid in a fridge to avoid questions from reporters. It was a bold electoral gamble, but one which paid off, as his party was returned to office with a thumping 76-seat majority. But Johnson is not the only leader who has taken refuge in a fridge. History shows us that this cool ruse is a tried and tested gambit for many public figures... 1529 Cardinal Wolsey AFTER failing to secure the annulment of Henry VIII’s marriage to Anne Boleyn, Cardinal Wolsey fell out of favour with the king, who issued a warrant for his arrest. Tipped off by a courtier, Wolsey slipped out into the garden of his home at Hampton Court and hid in the ice…

ALTHOUGH no longer in favour, the name Len has the most unusual history. Here are a few unbeleivable Len Facts… STAR TREK actor Leonard Nimoy is perhaps the most famous person sporting the name. On set, however, he always insisted on being called Leonard. Nobody, not even the show’s creator, Gene Rodenberry, was ever allowed to call him Len. MOST MALE names have a female version – George; Georgina, Paul; Paula, Henry; Henrietta, and so on. But the female version of Len is … wait for it … Helena! You couldn’t make it up. NOBODY called Len has ever held the title of world’s smallest man. Anyone called Calvin, however, can boast that they share their name with the world’s most diminutive person. THE MOST famous Lenny ever, Lenny Small,…

“I’ll go to the foot of our stairs…” “It’s an ill wind…” “Fuck me ragged…” The English language is full of weird, wacky and wonderful expressions that crop up in conversation every day. But rarely do we give a second thought to where these quirky sayings come from or what they might have originally meant. Oxford University’s top sayingologists JEREMY STRANGE-PHRASES and SEBASTIAN QUAINT-SAYINGS take a peek into the fascinating histories behind some of the UK’s favourite phrases... “OVER THE MOON” DATING back to the 16th Century, this saying, which signifies extreme joy or merriment, was coined, like many others, by William Shakespeare. In 1591, the Elizabethan playwright was working on his balcony when he took a break to peruse the street below. At the exact moment he peered down,…