Innholdsfortegnelse for November 2019 i Viz

THE whole Brexit debate has really left me unmoved, to be honest, and I have simply sat back unbothered as the country tears itself apart. However, I think things went too far when her Majesty had her annual six-week holiday at Balmoral interrupted in order for her to prorogue parliament. Enough is enough. Let’s get it ruddy well sorted. Darcy Beaugest, Taunton A BREXIT deal would be much easier to negotiate if Johnny Foreigner would learn to speak without that ridiculous accent. Peter Busby, Australia WHEN will these Remoaners learn that the country voted for Brexit explicitly because the British people do or do not want bendy bananas? I am firmly in favour of or against bendy bananas, and that’s why I ticked the box for Leave in the referendum.…

EX-COUNTDOWN diva CAROL VORDERMAN revealed this week that she has no idea how she got any of the solutions right during her tenure as the arithmetic co-host on the long-running Channel 4 show. And she told reporters that she had simply guessed the correct answer every single time. The buxom brainiac revealed how she had always struggled with mathematics at school. “I’ve never been able to do sums,” she told reporters at a press conference. “Numbers just don’t make sense to me at all.” “Honestly, I could never do my times tables in class. I just used to guess at the answers, but I always seemed to get them right.” jammiest “I imagine I must be the jammiest person in the world,” she added. The broadcaster explained that she went…

alestorm 1. n. prop. A Scottish Pirate Metal band. 2. n. A rather nasty case of the beer slime the morning after a session on the brown booze, that leaves you blind in one eye and in need of a new crutch. at my signal, unleash hell! ex-clam. A rather ominous thing to say before letting off a guff that is capable of slaying a large force of warriors. A quote from Gladiator or Braveheart, something like that. backsident n. A follow-through that comes as a complete shock to its progenitor. An unexpected pitch invasion. bagpuss n. Saggy, old, cloth-like, red and white fadge that has a few whimsical stories to tell. Baloo n. prop. The most well hung man attending a mature orgy. The king of the swingers. belle-end…

NOBODY (with the exception of scientists) has a clue what’s in the centre of the planet we all live on. Travelling to the Earth’s core has long been the subject of science fiction stories, but just what would that be like if it was possible? Which it isn’t. We asked some of Britain’s favourite celebs… MONTY DON (Gardener’s World Presenter) 64 “Well I spend a lot of time in my vegetable patch, fannying about with my trowel, and the main thing I seem to come across is worms. I’ve also noticed that the deeper I dig, the larger the worms seem to get, which makes me wonder whether there’s one giant earthworm in the centre of the Earth’s core. My wife thinks I’m mad, but I spend a…

PRETEND you have an expensive electric car by wearing earplugs when driving and pushing your car home. Kevin Lanaghan, Blantyre CONVINCE everyone that you’re Elton John by mentioning that you were a very close friend of Princess Diana every time anyone so much as glances in your direction. Corneilia De Vries, Cheesetown GAIN the upper hand when haggling for a new car, by wearing short shorts and soiling yourself on the test drive. David Craik, Hull MAKE your neighbours’ barbecue party a buzzing success by painting jam on the underside of his tree and shrub leaves the night before. SheddyIan, Pontygwaith SAVE money after moving home by not telling window cleaners that you’ve just moved in. When they knock on your door asking for cash, inform them that as their…

AFTER selflessly giving away a free puzzle book with issue 288, staff at your big-hearted Viz have been inundated with letters from mean-spirited readers pointing out errors. Here are some of the bastards’ letters lambasting hard-working Viz journalists. REGARDING the ‘Ask the Bacon Family’ puzzle in Mr Logic’s puzzle book, the number of punches thrown in this scenario is represented as “total-punches P = (n)(n-1)/2.” The answer given (17 party guests) would make for 272 punches, not the 136 quoted in the question. It looks like the writer assumed that there was only 1 punch exchanged between each unique set of guests, not that “everybody punches everybody else exactly once.” Eat that one, you bag of utter cunts. Gman, Bristol I WAS disappointed with Mr. Logic’s lack of checks for…

This Just-In! REPORTS from the afterlife suggest that disgraced arsehole publicist MAX CLIFFORD is attempting to re-boot his PR career in the fiery pits of Hell. And demonic sources have confirmed that the late media guru’s first client is to be none other than... ADOLF HITLER! “Adolf’s involvement in the Second World War has done lasting damage to his public image – damage I intend to correct,” Clifford told reporters via Ouija board. The universally loathed press agent went on to outline his ideas for ‘rebranding’ the long-dead Nazi leader, which include having him replace his iconic toothbrush moustache with a trendy ‘goatee’, and arranging for the Fuhrer to be photographed helping an old lady across the River Styx. This Just-In! ANGLICANS across the globe are up in arms after…

BACK in the 1970s, James Herriot’s gently amusing memoirs of his years as a northern vet regularly topped the book charts. His heartwarming anecdotes about sheepdogs, carthorses and dairy cattle in the Yorkshire Dales kept millions of readers chuckling and were even made into feature films and a successful television series starring Christopher Timothy sticking his arm up cows’ arses. Sadly, Herriot died in 1995, but now his mantle is being taken taken up by another retired veterinarian with a host of equally hilarious anecdotes about his own career. FRANKIE ASSISI was Hollywood’s most famous vet, and when theTinseltown stars’ pedigree pets fell ill, he was the goto guy to make them better. “They called me the Ray Donovan of the animal world,” he says. “If an A-lister had an…

TELLY favourite BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH yesterday announced that he would be taking a break from stage and screen work so that he can concentrate on a personal project he’s started in his back garden… Digging a hole to the centre of the Earth! The 43-year-old Sherlock actor revealed he has already started work on his back yard project and hopes it will be open to the public by the end of the year. Cumberbatch went on to explain that he intends to capitalise on the venture by opening up a small cafe next to the gaping void, which he plans to turn into a tourist attraction. string “My wife and myself have just returned back from a holiday in the USA, and they’ve got all sorts of interesting roadside attractions over…