Innholdsfortegnelse for September 2019 i Viz

Dear Justin, I RECENTLY ordered a package off Amazon, but I had to work on the day it was scheduled for delivery. Knowing that God is present in all places at all times, I prayed to Him to ask if He’d mind keeping an ear out for my doorbell and then signing for the parcel when it arrived. However, when I returned home from work, I found only a ‘We called but you were out’ slip on the doormat. If God is truly loving and omnipresent, why did He forsake me? Grenville Space-Vampires, Leicester Justin says: God is indeed loving and omnipresent, so I don’t believe for one second that He did forsake you. What probably happened is that God manifested Himself in your house as requested, and was keeping…

POSTMEN. Avoid being bitten whilst doing your rounds by simply letting the dog sniff your arse first before opening the gate. John Owens, Glasgow CONVINCE friends and neighbours that you’re middle class by simply holding dinner parties that don’t end up with a scrap in the front garden and the Old Bill being called. Frank Pagga, Newcastle OLD people. Complain how hot it is but do not take your blazer off. Jayne, Pissoff TRICK your friends into thinking you’ve spent the day at Madame Tussaud’s by having your photo taken with Barack Obama, Bruce Springsteen and Tom Cruise. J Dixon, London SATNAV manufacturers. Programming your devices to issue “Make a U-turn” instructions in the voice of Margaret Thatcher will bring cheer to the many British drivers who still hate the…

WHEN Preston-based freelance horticulturalist Chorlton Wheelie launched his landscape gardening business earlier this year, the jobs came flooding in and he thought he had found his niche. But the unmarried 58-year-old’s dream of using his green fingers to earn an honest living soon turned into a nightmare, after all his female customers set about destroying his reputation with detailed accusations of theft and inappropriate behaviour. And Chorlton says he knows exactly why his good name has been trashed so convincingly. He told us: “These nympho women are getting their revenge on me because I turned down their sexual advances.” According to Wheelie, who has lived in Preston all his life except for a 2-year sabbatical in London, an 18-month sabbatical in Durham and a 6-month suspended sabbatical, it’s simply a…

WE were all SHOCKED by the recent round of drug confessions from a shameful roll-call of Prime Ministerial candidates. But whilst ordinary members of the public routinely find themselves heavily fined or even thrown behind bars for similar offences, a disgraceful gaggle of Number 10 hopefuls seemed to get off scot-free after their past narcotic secrets were exposed. Well enough is enough. What’s sauce for the goose should be sauce for the gander. It’s time to finally put these shameful offences up before the beak so that justice can not only be done, but can be seen to be done. We’ve asked impartial man-of-the-people RICHARD LITTLEJOHN to pick up his gavel and don his judge’s robe and wig to belatedly re-try these sordid cases, before doling out imaginary punishments to…

I SAW on the news about how we should all be saving bees as they pollinate our food. Yet today I saw dozens of them wasting time pollinating the weeds in my back yard. If they want our help, the least the stripy little fuckers could do is meet us half way. Steve Lloyd, Wadebridge I WAS appalled at the bias of the BBC news the other day, when they announced that the famous racing tipster John McCririck had died. In the interests of balance, they should have immediately had somebody on to put forward the opposite point of view and say that he was still alive. Hampton Pilbeam, Letchworth HAVE you noticed that women football players and pundits talk as much shite as their male counterparts do? There’s equality…

1 START gradually and allow your skin to acclimatise to the sun’s heat a bit at a time. On the first day of your holiday, paint your entire body with Dulux ‘One Coat’ white emulsion paint. On the second day, dilute 9 parts paint with 1 part water, on the third day 8 parts paint to 2 parts water and so on. Wash the paint off at the end of each day in the shower, or if you’ve used an oil-based paint, shower in turps. By the end of the week, you’ll be just like me – as brown as a Chippendale wardrobe! 2 ANOTHER good way to avoid overdoing it is to stay out of the sun between 12 and 2, when it is at its hottest. Why not…

HE’S THE POLITICAL blonde bombshell who - if the polls are to be believed - will have taken up residence in 10 Downing Street by the time this magazine hits the newsstands. Unless it’s Jeremy Hunt. He’s overweight, tousle-haired, dishonest, adulterous former London mayor BORIS JOHNSON, and loathe him or hate him, he’s now made his way to the country’s top job and will shortly be crashing us disastrously out of the European Union in his loveably roguish trademark style. But how much do we really know about this clownish, adultery-crazed old-Etonion who has now risen to the highest office in the land? Unless it’s Jeremy Hunt. As usual, the truth is hidden in plain sight - in the letters of the Uxbridge and South Ruislip MP’s name. B is…

FOR every politician who admits a shame-filled history with drugs, there are many more who are keeping their narcotic-fuelled histories under wraps. Or have never done drugs. So, just for fun, it’s time to speculate on just what these squeaky clean MPs may be keeping hidden from the Great British electorate. Once again, Judge Littlejohn will pass sentence for a shameful catalogue of shocking – yet entirely hypothetical – drugs crimes committed by our above-the-law politicians. DEFENDANT: Keir Starmer / PARTY: Labour FICTITIOUS OFFENCE: Possession of 3 packs of Boots own-brand paracetemol FICTITIOUS VERDICT: Guilty JUDGE LITTLEJOHN’S SUMMING UP: “Mr Starmer, you stand in the dock of my court and maintain that you do not believe that the possession of 3 packets of proprietary headache tablets is a criminal…

I WONDER if, in the pressure cooker environment as the game draws to a close, Mr Lawrence has unwittingly revealed his true political intent? In putting his nought in the bottom centre, is he moving away from his staunch left-flank ideology towards a more balanced, central perspective? Or maybe he is a true leftie, and is merely reaching out in an attempt to stay in touch with the masses. Either way, it is interesting to watch. Back to the game, I will place my X in the top right corner. With 2 winning opportunities now for me and only 1 for Mr Lawrence, it doesn’t take a statistical genius to work out who the likely winner is. S Andrews, Bristol I LOVE strategy games and this is up there with…

WE ALL want that deep, sexy, Donald Trump-style suntan, but it’s easy to overdo it and get sunburnt. Find out exactly which state you’re in - tanned or burnt - by answering the questions in this simple questionnaire and totting up your score. 1. How do you usually spend the third day of your holiday? a. Relaxing by the pool, making sure to slap on plenty of Factor 30 every hour or so. b. Sitting on the beach with a big hat on, a coat over your shoulders and a towel covering your shins and the tops of your feet. 2. You are sitting on the beach in your trunks when a beachball kicked by a nearby child bounces off your shoulder. How do you respond? a. You brush the…

IT IS NOW exactly fifty years since Neil Armstrong became the first man to set foot on the moon, and his “one small step” on the lunar surface back on July 20th 1969 has gone down as one of the most momentous events in human history. But whilst no-one decries the brilliant feats of science, engineering and sheer bravery that took those astronauts on their million-mile space adventure half a century ago, it is perhaps now time to admit that the Apollo 11 mission wasn’t very funny. Over the course of the entire eight-day voyage through space to visit our nearest planetary neighbour, not a single memorable gag was cracked by the three Apollo 11 astronauts or any of the 200-strong Mission Control team back in Houston. Even the crew’s…