Innholdsfortegnelse for August 2019 i Viz

IF people think Daenerys Targaryen’s character switch in Game of Thrones is shocking, they should see my wife when I come home late from darts. Kirk Flatus, Filey I ENJOY watching the local news, as it’s usually about stuff going on close to where I live in Suffolk. However, it can’t be very interesting for anyone at the other end of the country, so I have often wondered why they don’t they add a bit of news from other regions. In fact, they could make a programme with news from all around the country which would appeal to a much larger, nationwide audience. To be honest, not much happens around here. Julian Wiseman, email ON the escalator to the underground the other day, I couldn’t help but notice how many…

WE ALL get embarrassed from time to time, and celebrities who are called Richard are no different. So we phoned up 3 of our favourite A-List Riches and asked them one simple question: What was YOUR most embarrassing moment? Richard Dawkins, godless egghead MINE happened a few years back when I was due to give the keynote address at the Atheists’ Alliance International Conference. It was a huge crowd and I was pretty nervous, so I did what I always do before a big speech: I popped outside to say a quick prayer and ask Almighty God to watch over me in my hour of need. When I stepped on stage a minute later, the entire audience was looking at me in abject horror. And that’s when I…

St George is surely the most famous dragonslayer in history. But sadly he died in 303AD, and the question has to be asked: Who could fill his boots and protect Britain from a future dragon attack? Since these beasts do not exist, the chance of one attacking the UK is fairly remote, but it always pays to be prepared. We looked a selection of modern day Georges and assessed their dragon-slaying ability… George Clooney, Actor IN ADDITION to coffee adverts, George has made dozens of action movies, including From Dusk Till Dawn, where Clooney and his costars saw off hundreds of vampire Hell’s Angels armed with crossbows and chainsaws. So you would imagine that one solitary dragon would be a walk in the park for the tinseltown heart-throb.…

EVERY holidaymaker likes spending time on the beach. It’s a great way to relax and unwind away from the hurly-burly of our daily lives. But we all know what foreign food does to our British guts. A week’s worth of cheap paella, calamari and San Miguel can leave us with an arse like an American trucker’s air-horn. And when unwanted flatulence strikes on a modern crowded beach, our precious oasis of calm in the sun can quickly turn into a full-blown farty disaster area. There’s nothing more likely to spoil a holiday than a bout of unwanted wind. With our fellow holidaymakers complaining about having sand blasted over them by our foetid flatulence, a restful week in the sun can all too easily descend into a wretched seven-day hell of…

WHEN I heard the news that the actress Doris Day had died at the age of 97, am not ashamed to admit that I cried. Firstly, I cried because, with the passing of the actress Doris Day, a part of me had died. Then I cried because, with the passing of the actress Doris Day, a part of all of us had died. And finally I cried because, with the passing of the actress Doris Day, I knew we would never see her likeness again. And then I realised that I was thinking about the actress Diana Dors, not Doris Day. And I cried once more when I looked her up, Diana Dors, that is, not Doris Day, and I realised that she, still Diana Dors, had died in 1984,…

BULLDOG clips with fishing weights attached, clamped to the bottom seam of your trousers, can stop them riding up under certain circumstances, providing you are wearing baggy trousers. This tip is not suitable if you are planning a romantic evening. Gunther Arboretum, Skate SEAGULLS. When somebody starts feeding you bread at the seafront or in Morrisons car park, don’t start squawking at the top of your avian lungs. That way, you won’t attract dozens of your mates and you won’t end up having to scrap for it. Edna Shitcrumbs, Issinghurst STAND on your doorstep during the day when you are not busy. That way you can greet anyone coming to your house and save the batteries on your doorbell. Frank Cheeseboard, Hull BIRDWATCHERS. Recreate the thrill of birdwatching in your…

WHEN Lyn and Ken Sampson honeymooned in the Lake District in May 1969, the couple were on top of the world. But on the second night of their visit, disaster struck during a meal on their hotel’s waterside terrace, when 28-year-old Lyn’s wedding ring slipped from her finger and into the lake. The ring had cost a week’s wages for Ken, an apprentice drayman, and his heartbroken bride thought she had seen the last of it. The pair returned to their home in Chorley, and life returned to normal with the couple raising a family of three children in the forthcoming decades. Over the years, Lyn steadfastly refused to buy a new wedding ring, despite her husband’s repeated offers. But the retired seamstress, now 69, got the surprise of her…

“I’ve pulled more undercover operations than you’ve had hot dinners”, says top cop Jed ASK anyone from Land’s End to John O’Groats to name the most exciting job they can think of and the answer will always be the same: undercover cop. Every single human being on Earth is mesmerised by the thrilling lives of these secretive tough guys – hard-boiled police officers who assume new identities to gain the trust of the very criminals they are attempting to bring down. And from Donnie Brasco and The Departed to Reservoir Dogs and Kindergarten Cop, we can’t get enough of seeing these covert coppers on the big screen. But as always, the glitz and glamour of Hollywood is a far cry from the truth. In reality, the dangerous, exhaustive and fully…

add to your story euph. 1. v. To post some shit on a popular social networking site. 2. v. To drop a log. arse burner n. A pair of piabetics shagging in the standard missionary style, whereby the person on top would scorch their buttocks on the bedroom lightbulb. arsepeggio n. An act of flatulence performed with such masterful anal control that a distinct series of musical notes can be identified. Achieved by mastering the embouchure of one’s nipsy. basil brush n.Alady’s front garden with a delicious herbal aroma. bi-spurious adj. Of a (usually B- to Z-list) celebrity, feigning lesbidacious tendencies for the purposes of courting publicity. bomb-bay fuck n. Earning one’s brown wings. Especially when the fish course is a bit dry. bomb-bay ivory n. Tell-tale copious display of…

HA! Nice try, Mr Andrews, but you must think I was born yesterday and that I might fall for the old ‘straight-down-the-middle’ charge, which you might get away with down the pub. Your offensive style is the noughts and crosses equivalent of the missionary position, and unfortunately for you I support Oxford Utd, so I’m accustomed to bland, route one tactics often employed in League One. I will place my nought bottom centre to end your foolish run for glory. Now, are we going to piss about or are we gonna play some noughts and crosses? Nick Lawrence, Oxford I WAS so disappointed with the Kamikaze move made by Mr Andrews (Letterbocks 286) that I put my foot through the comic and sent the bill to Dennis Publishing. Geoff Greensmith,…

A Hampshire Police spokesman said the car’s driver, 26-year-old office manager Sandra Spelhorne, was unhurt but in a state of shock following the collision. He told reporters: “This particular stretch of road is a popular spot for Sir Roger’s manifestations as he was known to ride to hounds there during his life. His glowing phantom, complete with trademark ruff collar, tights and doublet, has long been a familiar sight to motorists travelling along the B3080 between North Charford and Hale Purlieu after dark.” “Quite frankly, this was an accident waiting to happen,” the spokesman added. ague Since dying from a fit of the ague in the 14th century, Sir Roger has become one of Britain’s most popular and frequently-sighted ghosts. It is estimated that up to 50,000 tourists visit the…