Innholdsfortegnelse for June/July 2019 i Viz

I HAD a dream the other night where Kim Jong-un came to my university to give a talk to hundreds of students in the lecture theatre. Before he started, they began playing a video that was rather disrespectful to the North Korean dictator, and he got up and furiously started to walk out. I immediately stood up at the back and shouted, “That’s right. Fuck off, you fat bastard,” to great applause from everyone. Have any other readers insulted a dictator in a dream in front of an appreciative audience? Arthur Dury, Nottingham HAS anyone else noticed that films are not the same as real life? You would never get anyone hanging from a clock face on Big Ben to prevent Russian agents from starting a war in Europe in…

LAST MONTH, viewers of the BBC’s Politics Live show witnessed a tense stare-off between Brexiteer MP MARK FRANCOIS and left-wing author WILL SELF. Francois claimed that before the show went on air, Self had made derogatory comments about his genitals, but the MP refused to reveal the nature of the remarks. And ever since, all thoughts of Brexit have been cast aside as the nation wonders about what exactly was said. We went on the street to ask the British people, both leavers and remainers, what they thought Will Self said about Mark Francois’s cock… …I VOTED to leave the EU in 2016, and I think that Will Self probably accused Mark Francois of having a cock that constantly looks like he’s just come out the sea or something. Although…

AS SOON as the flames had been extinguished, fire investigators moved into the smouldering ruins of Notre Dame Cathedral to begin sifting through the ashes for clues as to the cause of the devastating conflagration. It could be months or even years before the results of their painstaking forensic enquiry are made known. But time is a luxury we don’t have, as countless other tinder-dry cathedrals are just sitting there waiting to go up in smoke. So we decided to ask the former I’m a Celebrity Kings and Queens of the Jungle to speculate about how they think the Paris fire started. When you have read and considered all the suggestions, pick the one that you consider the most likely and return the polling form to the usual address. We…

ASK any of my very best friends, including Leonardo di Caprio, Goldie Hawn, Kiera Knightley, Tiny Tempah, Princess Michael of Kent or George Lucas, to name the most famous building in Paris, and they will tell you without hesitation: The Eiffel Tower. Ask them to name the second most famous building in Paris and some of them would say the Pompidou Centre, while others would say the Arc de Triomphe. However, all of the rest of them, including Barbra Streisand, Gloria Hunniford, Matthew Kelly, Russell Crowe, Rizzle Kicks, Sir Elton John and Ben Fogle, would name Notre Dame Cathedral. When the news came through that this mighty building, dating back 850 years, was being consumed by fire, I was in exclusive London eaterie The Ivy, having dinner with a few…

A PROFESSIONAL illusionist, who broke a centuries-old pact of silence by revealing the secrets of his craft, says that the Magic Circle is out to kill him. IAN COPPERBOLT, 63, who works under the professional name of The Amazing Copperboltio, self-published a book setting out how many of the most mystifying magic tricks and stage illusions are performed, and is now living in fear of his life as a result. The Bolton-based bachelor told us: “The kids’ party work, which had been my bread and butter for many years, had dried up a bit following a court case. I thought writing a book about magic would be a good way to make a bit of cash to tide me over until the tag came off and I was allowed to…

WE WELCOME BBC Political Correspondent LAURA KUENSSBERG into our homes every night on the news, as her insightful reports and interviews keep us all abreast of what’s going on in UK politics. Whether she’s on College Green making Nigel Farage look like a twat, or inside the Central Lobby of the House making Mark Francois look like a bellend, she is seldom off our screens. But how much do we really know about this Scotch lassie with her finger on the political pulse? Once more, the real Laura is revealed within the letters of her name... L is for LACTOSE MANY people these days are lactose intolerant, becoming flatulent if they consume dairy products. Fortunately, Laura is not one of them. The BBC political editor can happily tuck in to…

THE Archbishop of Canterbury JUSTIN WELBY has come under fire from fans and colleagues today, after it emerged that he LIP-SYNCHED a 45-minute speech to the General Synod. Welby, 63, delivered his annual keynote address to the Church of England’s highest governing body on Thursday morning. Initial reaction to the speech was positive, but there were one or two raised eyebrows on social media as sceptics debated whether or not the Archbishop had actually been speaking live. The Right Reverend James Langstaff, Bishop of Rochester, took to Twitter during the lecture to say: “Watchin GenSynod keynote rite now & I swear 2 God AB of C is MIMING! #NotCool #FacePalm #EcumenicalEmbarrassment” The Archbishop of York, John Sentamu, added his two penn’orth on Snapchat, claiming: “Think Justin might WELBY lip-synching here!!…

POINTLESS egghead RICHARD OSMAN might seem like a benign word whiz - but sources say that behind the scenes, the mild-mannered presenter is history’s most megalomaniacal ruler. And the latest claim is that the 6’7” bespectacled brainiac, 48, refused to sign a contract for a new series of Richard Osman’s House of Games until the BBC erected a glowering statue of him on a granite pedestal in front of Broadcasting House. The 8 out of 10 Cats Does Countdown bookworm first raised eyebrows on Loose Women when he referred to Ruth Langsford as ‘a traveller from an antique land’. Referring to Countdown’s contestants, he later called the shows famous clock ‘the hand that mock’d them.’ superior An unnamed TV insider told us: “Despite Alexander Armstrong being his superior on screen,…

RECREATE the nostalgic magic of childhood bath times by sitting up to your neck in Matey bubbles whilst urinating. Eldon Furse, email GIVE all of your food that authentic and trendy ‘Street Food’ taste by incorporating diesel fumes into the cooking and preparation process. Ray, Prestwich LOSE weight together as a family by having a series of indicative votes about what to have for tea and ending up having fuck all. Steve Crouch, Peterborough NEXT time you buy from Ikea, build your piece of flatpack furniture in the car park. Then, when you discover the wooden plug or whatever piece is missing, you can quickly nip back into the shop to get one. Then dismantle and load into the car. Terry Farricker, Blackpool FITNESS fanatics. Make the most of your…

TV HANDYMAN “BIG” TOMMY WALSH yesterday announced that he had set himself his biggest DIY challenge yet … to rebuild Notre Dame Cathedral. And despite expert predictions that it could take twenty years or more to restore the fire-ravaged 13th century gothic masterpiece to its former glory, Tommy reckons he will get the job finished in just THREE DAYS! “This is going to be the biggest task me and the Challenge Tommy Walsh team have ever taken on,” the 62-year-old builder told reporters. “We’ve given ourselves from Friday to Sunday to crack on and completely rebuild the gaff.” “And to add to the complication, we’re going to do it as a surprise for the Archbishop of Paris,” he continued. “He’s going to get the surprise of his life.” Walsh explained…

PROFESSOR Richard Dawkins yesterday announced that he has started believing in God after witnessing what he described as “a miracle”. The previously hardline atheist academic, 78, said he was converted after seeing news footage of fire crews entering the smoking ruins of Notre Dame Cathedral, where the gold cross atop the altar had remained undamaged in the midst of the fire that destroyed the rest of the medieval interior. He told the Church Times’s Fergus Butler-Galilee: “The pews, the roof and the reredos had all been reduced to ashes, and yet this shining symbol of the Lord God’s love for his only son remained intact.” “As a scientist, I understand that gold melts at 1064˚C, and that wood burns at around 600˚C,” he said. “But it could have been the…

Here are some extracts from Ian’s book that pulls back the curtain on the closely guarded secrets of the Magic Circle… …The secrets that could cost Copperbolt his LIFE! The levitating lady The ilusion A bird in a bikini lies on a table and the table is removed and she floats. a hoop is past over her to show their is no wire holding her up. How its’ done The bird is suspended from a realy thin wire that is tied to a belt the same coluor as her skin. The hoop has a slit in the hoop that the magican has to make sure gos over were the wire is. And thats’ not Magic! The rabbit in the hat The ilusion The magican shows the audiense an emptpy top…

A BRISTOL couple revealed yesterday that they have called on the church to exorcise their CAT, which they believe is possessed by the Devil. Since taking up residence with Stan and Olive Crumbmould in Plywood Grove, Clevedon, Tizzy, a 3-year-old black and white short-hair, has scratched and bitten their children, stolen food from other cats in the neighbourhood, attacked a postman through the letterbox and even dragged a live crow in through the catflap. “She can sometimes be really loving and affectionate,” said Olive, 46. “But then she gets this look in her eye and she just flips.” “We’re at our wits end, and we have no choice but to turn to the church. She’s pure evil,” Mrs Crumbmould added. mouse Bishop Declan O’Hooligan, primate of the diocese, sympathised with…

TOP SECRET government files released yesterday under the Thirty Year Rule show that it is exactly thirty years since the year 1989. The documents, which have remained classified by government order since 1989, reveal that in 1989 the government ordered them to be sealed for a period of thirty years. The news is an echo of last year’s revelations, when documents declassified under the Thirty Year Rule revealed that 1988 had taken place thirty years before 2018. quick Historians and academics were quick to react. “These documents are immeasurably important and add an enormous amount to our understanding of how long ago 1989 was,” enthused former National Portrait gallery director Sir Roy Strong. “Without wishing to sound arrogant, this does fit in with theories some of us have been propounding…

A BOLD move Mr Lawrence, but it seems blindingly obvious that you are forcing me to play bottom left. I was going to make that move, but last night I watched a documentary about magicians and how they use misdirection on their unsuspecting audience, making them look one way when the real trick is going on elsewhere. So, on the assumption that you too saw this splendid program, or are indeed yourself an amateur magician, I refuse to fall into your trap and will follow the advice of readers and take the centre square. Over to you. S Andrews, Bristol WITH regard to the Andrews/ Lawrence game of noughts and crosses, I too play a similar game called X and O. In the version I play, we use 9 similar…

WHEN Notre Dame Cathedral caught fire last month, there was an immediate international outpouring of grief. Well newsflash … Not in the Cockpins household there wasn’t. And if that shocks you, tough titty. Get over yourself. Because get this, I hated the place. So what if it was big in the thirteenth century? So was the Black Death, and I don’t see anyone raising money to bring that back. Having said that, I’d happily put my hand in my pocket if I thought it would bring the Black Death back. A dose of Bubonic Plague might do this country some good. If it saw off a few social security scroungers, asylum seekers and returning Isis brides, I for one would be delighted. And if that offends your precious liberal sensibilities,…

LAST MONTH, when the news broke that Notre Dame Cathedral was on fire, I am not ashamed to admit that I cried. As I sat in disbelief, watching the live pictures of that iconic edifice being consumed by flames, the tears sprang unbidden from my eyes. And as the flames leapt higher, my tears wept higher. For millennia (subs pls check that means thousands not millions), this iconic edifice had stood sentinel over the French capital, a testicle to what man can achieve when moved by the power of the Lord. But what had taken countless centuries past to build was laid waste in mere minutes on a single night in April in Paris in France by the the fickle finger of fire. And that is the true tragedy of…

profanisaurus@viz.co.uk arse d’oeuvres n. Fr. Bite-sized unappetizers prior to a substantial air buffet. Assange tan n. The wan complexion of a human rhubarb who hasn’t been getting out much lately. back projection 1. n. Crude special effects technique used in old movies and Z-Cars. 2. n. A powerful jet of hot feeshus that exits that rusty sheriff’s badge like water from a fire-man’s hose. beer lever n. The right elbow, or left elbow if you happen to be left-handed. Also known as the drinking lever or wank crank. bi-spurious adj. Of a D-or-lower list female celebrity, feigning lesbitious tendencies for the purposes of courting publicity. ‘I see that bird with the big lips off TOWIE or Made in Chelsea has announced she’s gone bi-spurious, then. Ooh, she’s got a new perfume…