Innholdsfortegnelse for April 2019 i Viz

I USED to have great sympathy for those orangutans whose rainforest habitat is being destroyed to grow palm oil. But then I discovered that each ape occupies a territory of around 6 square kilometres. This seems awfully excessive to me. Maybe if these orange monkeys got over themselves and downsized a bit, then this whole fuss could be put to bed. J Crease, Cambridge I HONESTLY thought I would struggle to settle in to my new retirement home, but already I have made so many new friends in the TV room, impressing them all with 9-letter words and farts that last the duration of the Countdown clock. Barry Onions, Saxilby MY wife and I very much enjoy the TV programme Call the Midwife. However, we’ve noticed recently that in every…

FLAMBOYANT panto star CHRISTOPHER BIGGINS is set to surprise Game of Thrones viewers when he joins the show’s cast for the HBO blockbuster’s eighth and final series. The veteran entertainer, 70, will dress up to play The Widow Clegane, mother of Sando and Gregor Clegane, better known as the Hound and the Mountain. Series producer David Benioff told us: “Game of Thrones is known as a dark, gritty, and violent drama, and we thought it would be nice to introduce an element of family-friendly pantomime fun to the show for this final series.” “Biggins’s brand of over-the-top, camp slapstick has had kiddies and grown-ups alike rolling in the aisles at provincial theatres up and down the country for years,” said Benioff. “And when George RR Martin…

0.00 Leave Tipton Bus Depot on Leasowe Rd 0.15 Ash Road. 25-minute stop to disembark and look at the home of Mr John Pavey, who owns and has read nearly all of George RR Martin’s A Song of Fire and Ice novels, which are the inspiration for Game of Thrones. Passengers will have the chance to chat to Mr Pavey about his experiences reading the books, pose for ’selfies’, and get their tour programmes signed by him. 0.45 15 minutes stop at the pillar box on the corner of Silvertrees Road and Birch Street, where Jerome Flynn – who plays mercenary Bron in the show – is thought to have posted a letter to his mum in 1995 whilst in the area filming an episode of Soldier Soldier. Passengers can…

WHETHER we’re attending a costume party, or attempting to re-inject some spark into our sex life, we all love dressing up as Game of Thrones characters. However, a store-bought GoT outfit can be pricey – often setting a buyer back hundreds of hard-earned pounds. If only there was a way to get that authentic Westeros look WITHOUT doing a ‘Red Wedding’ on your wallet... Well, now there is! We’ve teamed up with big-boned TV naturalist RAY MEARS to bring you this fantastic ‘cut-out-n-keep’ guide to making your very own Game of Thrones costume from the natural detritus in Britain’s woodlands. “That’s right,” says Ray. “Believe it or not, everything you need for a great GoT cosplay outfit can be found FOR FREE on the forest floor.” Here, the salad-shunning survivalist…

ASK any real red-blooded fella to name his dream job and the answer will always be the same... MALE STRIPPER. Having hundreds of lust-crazed women clawing hungrily at your bare, oiled flesh on a nightly basis is the average bloke’s ULTIMATE fantasy, and he’s lying if he says it isn’t. However, while the glamorous lives of these muscle-bound hunks may look enticing in hit Hollywood films such as Magic Mike and The Full Monty , the reality can often be quite different. “When one of my lads turns up to strut his stuff at your do, be it a hen-night, birthday bash or retirement party, the girls in the crowd are guaranteed a proper show with the full teacake,” says Alec…

BBC programme planners. Make chess a popular TV sport by using one of those pornographic chess sets you can get off the internet and allowing the players to shout “FUCK YOU” or sing Another One Bites the Dust when taking an opponent’s piece. Chess Player, Wirral BLUE Peter Presenters. If both your nipples fall off after breast augmentation surgery, simply replace them with the top bits off washing up liquid bottles. Davido Tomashov, Ongar CONVINCE friends you work in a bistro or gastro-pub by saying “can I grab you guys a few drinks?” when it’s your round. Follow up by saying “how are you getting on with your drinks?” after ten minutes. Kendall Hardacre, Perth SAVE yourself one key-press by typing m rather than rn. Nobody will notice.…

WE’VE ALL BEEN THERE. We’ve spent so much time binge watching the latest box set of Game of Thrones that we haven’t had time to cook a proper evening meal for the family. What wouldn’t we give to be able to cook tasty and nutritious food while getting a fix of our favourite Swords ’n’ Dragons fantasy. Well now you can! We’ve teamed up with the Game of Thrones stars to bring you their favourite recipes. Every five weeks for the next 250 issues, we’ll be printing four recipe cards to cut out and keep, eventually building into your own comprehensive 1000 recipe cookery compendium. The Game of Thrones recipe collection will cover everything from starters to main courses and desserts. Recipes such as Ramsay Bolton’s…

EUROPEAN Council President DONALD TUSK is set to resurrect his former career as a street-fighting hard nut to settle the Brexit negotiations ‘once and for all’ - with a mass brawl in one of Europe’s capital cities. Tusk will lead a crack team of top boys from the continent to take on a combined firm of the best that Britain has to offer. Several Whitehall Casuals, the Civil Service Crew and the Eurostar Intercity Firm are already on board. And rival tasty MPs DOMINIC GRIEVE and JACOB REESMOGG have agreed to put their differences aside and join forces to have a proper dust-up for Britain. The various UK firms plan to gather at a service station on the M4 near Staines on March 29th. They will then travel by coach…

I AM delighted to have found a worthy opponent, although I must profess to having sleepless nights over where to go next, as I did not see this move coming at all. With countless possibilities, or seven, as my 6-year-old son pointed out, it has taken me some time to decide on my next move. I do not want to ruin my end-game by being overly aggressive at this stage, but I believe a cross in the top middle will provide plenty of food for thought. I would though welcome any strategic advice from readers, as I fear I may have met my match. S Andrews, Bristol ...If I had been chosen to play against Mr Andrews, I would have placed my nought right in the middle of the grid.…

ABELFAST pet shop owner has launched legal action against HBO, the producers of Game of Thrones , after the show’s production staff allegedly damaged three of his lizards. FINTAN MCBEAMISH, manager of Stranmillis Exotic Pets, claims that the show’s special effects team borrowed three valuable iguanas to use during filming of the latest series, before returning them in a damaged state. He told us: “They came in the shop and asked if I had any lizards that looked a bit like dragons. I showed him my iguanas, and they asked if they could borrow them.” “They said they were going to film them and then blow the film up to make them look a hundred times bigger than what they were. I said they could rent them…

BREAKING NEWS! Nothing sends a thrill of excitement through a TV viewer more than this message flashing onto the screen on their favourite rolling news channel. Suddenly, normal programming is interrupted to bring us a live report direct from the beating heart of the action. Whether it’s Theresa May making the same nebulous statement she always makes at her podium in front of 10 Downing Street, a spokesman on the steps of the Bank of England announcing that the interest rate is going to remain unchanged at a quarter of one percent for the next fiscal quarter, or a breathless reporter speaking from Old Trafford, where yet another Manchester United manager has just been given the push, a live outside broadcast always takes us straight to where the news is…