Innholdsfortegnelse for March 2019 i Viz

BRITAIN’S impending exit from the European Union is at a standstill tonight after the government was made aware of a Twitter video that purported to represent the Brexit negotiations in cat form. At 12.06pm today, Twitter user Mark Ouspensky, 34, posted an eight-second ‘gif’ clip on the microblogging site depicting a cat scrambling about wildly on an icy roof before tumbling into a hedge. Ouspensky - whose username is @MarkRavingBonkers85 - accompanied the video with the message: “Check this out @Theresa_May - If Brexit was a cat!!! #LOL #RoofFail #VoteRemain.” attention The image was subsequently retweeted 9 times by Ouspensky’s 47 followers, and liked by a further 3. Sources believe it must have come to the prime minister’s attention around lunchtime today, because at precisely 2.15pm, Mrs May called reporters…

DON’T waste money on an electric toothbrush. Simply gaffer-tape a manual brush to your old mobile phone set to vibrate, then get your mum to ring you up every time you need to brush your teeth. Alex Tait, Hartlepool FELLAS. Give ladies the Take Me Out experience by gyrating like a twat every time you exit a lift. Eldon Furse, email MAKE your Spanish postman fall over by painting a football penalty area on your drive. Kevin Desmond, Birmingham UFO believers. Insert a champagne cork up your nipsy before retiring at night, thus rendering your balloon knot safe from perverted, anal probe-obsessed aliens. Dave Wakefield, Guildford SUPERMARKETS. Give your stores that ‘Vegas high roller’ touch by having casino-type whistles and bells going off every time change is given at the…

THE world’s gone Vegan mad. During Veganuary, millions of us took the plunge and decided to give up all animal products for ever. But with bacon sarnies, cheeseburgers and even chicken now off the menu, we are now hungrily searching for delicious cruelty-free alternatives to our former favourite carnivorous snacks. And just after Christmas, high street pastrymongers Greggs stepped up to the empty plate when they launched a range of delicious meat-free sausage rolls. But demand has outstripped supply, and hopeful purchasers heading to the shops for one of these tasty savoury treats regularly find the shelves picked clean. But don’t worry, because your bighearted Viz has teamed up with another Greggs – TV Masterchef Greggs Wallace – to bring you a…

WHEN the news came through on Boxing Day that Sister Wendy (subs check second name - google art nun big teeth) had died at the tragically young age of 88, I wept. I wept and I wept and I wept. Then I wept and I wept some more. The next day, December 27th, I carried on weeping. I wept for the full twenty-four hours. When I woke up on December 28th, I was still weeping. Then, during the course of the day, my tears began to ebb as I finally started coming to terms with my loss. But it was to be short-lived. For just as my sobs for Sister Wendy subsided, the news came through that the country’s most beloved actress Dame June Whitfield had died at the tragically…

1 You have started experiencing menopausal hot flushes. How do you decide to cool yourself down? a. Open the freezer door and waft the bottom of your shirt. b. Fan yourself gently with this week’s TV Quick magazine. c. Take some clothes off and lie on the bathroom floor for ten minutes. 2 You are in the chemist buying a box of Tena Ladies when you spot a £5 note on the floor. What do you do? a. Pick it up and put it in the charity box on the counter. b. Pick it up and hand it to the chemist. An old person may have lost it. c. Pick it up and use it to buy a tube of vaginal lubricant. 3 Your husband of thirty years has bought…

When screwing shelf brackets onto a plasterboard wall, you might be tempted to reach for a 7mm masonry bit and an ordinary rawlplug. But Matt’s not the way to do it. Instead, use a 5mm pilot wood bit to drill a clean hole in the wall. Then use a self-tapping nylon plasterboard grip. Tighten your bracket screws into that for a much stronger, long-lasting, proper job. Matt’s the way to do it! NEXT WEEK: BLEEDING YOUR CLUTCH…

THE robots are coming... And they’re after YOUR job! That’s the spine-chilling message from the World Economic Forum, which recently predicted that by 2030, HALF of all workplace tasks in factories, offices and shops will be carried out by machines. It sounds like something from science fiction. But take a quick look around your local high street and you’ll see that it’s increasingly becoming science FACT. From automated checkout systems to package-delivering drones, androids have already begun to edge their way menacingly into the human workplace. And now experts are forecasting that these conniving cyborgs will complete the job within a decade, leaving billions of us Homo sapienses on the breadline. But are the planet’s employers REALLY willing to hand over our beloved green and pleasant…

MAY I be considered to enter the Viz Letterbocks Roped Off Area? I used to present CBBC and Live & Kicking, and I currently present the gifts and gadget demos on ITV’s This Morning. Admittedly, I’m not very well known, and I think language boffins may be looking for a new letter after Z to describe my celebrity status. But I do look a bit like Dick from Dick ‘n’ Dom, so can you cause a distraction and undo the rope to let me in while no-one’s looking? Steve Wilson, ITV * Sorry, Steve, but we took the decision to close down the roped-off area due to the quality, or rather lack thereof, of the celebrities wishing to enter. And we’re afraid a Z-lister requesting entry on the grounds that…

“If I’d of ate one of these, I’d immediately put my fingers down my throat and make myself sick on live television, you PC-ravaged clowns.” A Cunt, Breakfast telly “Had Viz approached me to endorse this free gift instead of that bald bellend off Masterchef, I would have jumped at the chance. But they didn’t, so they can go fuck theirselves.” Greg James, Radio 1 “I would probably have agreed to be the face of these vegan sausage rolls if, of course, the money had been right. Should Viz decide to do something similar in the future, and were they to be interested in getting me to participate, they should in the first instance approach my agent, Lisa at Avalon UK.” Greg Davies, London “As a keen vegan, I was…

after dinner cigar n. An aromatic cheroot pushed out of the Cambridge entrance by food going in at the other end of the alimentary canal. ‘If you will excuse me, gentlemen, following that third helping of steak and kidney pudding, I fear I must retire forthwith to smoke an after dinner cigar in the cludgie.’ backstop n. That place where a person’s back reaches a stop and thus becomes their ring-piece. The Blue Peter Italian sunken garden. belly-brothers-in-law n. Two - or more - gentlemen who are related by the fact that they have had sexual relations with the same lady. A literal translation of the Swedish word “buksvåger”. See also custard cousins, brothers quim, twatmates. ’Did you know that Ingmar Bergman and Gene Simmons out of…

I’VE got all your records and I’ve seen you in concert sixteen times and I’ve always wondered what are your favourite mosses? Janet Frumpish, aged 51 Matt: I like all mosses equally. Every one is beautiful in its own way, you know? But I had to name my fave, I’d have to say sphagnum moss (Sphagnum balticum) or any of the bog mosses. They can soak up over eight times their own weight in water, so you’ve got to give it to them for that. Luke: I like Polytrichum best. It’s the one you get growing on the banks of streams when you’re just walking through the woods thinking about lyrics for new songs, or just chillin’. Ken: I like leafy liverworts, which aren’t technically mosses, although they look the…

CAN anybody explain to me how the moon actually works? It seems that it is quite often a different shape from one week to the next. I’m no Isaac Einstein or Alfred Newton, and I was wondering if there might be as many as four moons, each of a different shape, ranging from a quarter one to the big round one. Terry Farricker, Blackpool YESTERDAY I found one of my old Matchbox cars that I hadn’t seen for years. It’s a 1977 Lamborghini and they go for about 25 quid on eBay. That colonic irrigation has nearly paid for itself. Inego Pipkin, Chorley WHENEVER twins are depicted in films, one of them is always the “evil twin.” Well, I’m a twin myself, but even though our kid can be a…

“WHEN, will I, will I be famous?” asked Britain’s Britpop threesome back in the late eighties. The answer was THEN, as the world was briefly consumed with Brosmania… But now it’s also NOW! Because the Bros boys are back in town, and they’re bigger , better and balder than ever before! Two-and-a-half times as old as they were in their last-century heyday, they’ve lost none of their star sex appeal in the past thirty years... just ask any middle-aged Brossette frothing into her Spanx! Now, to celebrate their return to the top of the pop tree where they belong, here’s a special double-page pullout, jam-packed with fascinating facts, Goss gossip and fun quizzes about Matt, Luke and the other…