Innholdsfortegnelse for February 2019 i Viz

INSTEAD of just floating around the oceans moaning about getting tangled up in plastic, why don’t turtles try a bit harder to evolve their way around the problem? You didn’t see early primates complain when they had to develop three-dimensional sight to avoid snake attacks, they just got on with it. And who rules the Earth now? Dave Attenborough, Ayia Napa RECENTLY, I pumped whilst holding my mobile phone, which just happened to be on the Shazam app. After 15 seconds or so, it came up with Mouldy Old Dough by Lieutenant Pigeon. I was just wondering if any other readers have pumped a 1970s novelty hit. Maybe The Streak by Ray Stevens or the theme from Van der Valk by the Simon Park Orchestra? Tarquin Du Pre, Middlesbrough WHAT…

Dear Professor Cox, According to the Multiverse Theory, there must be at least one universe out there in which feta cheese does not exist. What happens if you order a Greek salad in that universe? Do you simply get a bowl of cucumber, tomatoes, olives and onions, and if so, will it be cheaper? Mrs Ada Pustule, Athens Brian says: “I’ve just had a quick squizz at my big Multiverse Theory Excel spreadsheet, and I can confirm that in the Feta-less Universe, a Greek salad will set a diner back around £2.80. Which sounds like a decent deal until I tell you that, in the Feta-less Universe... cucumbers, tomatoes and olives don’t exist either! So, you’re essentially paying the thick end of three quid for a bowl of chopped…

PIERS MORGAN is a media icon who has bestrode our age as a journalist, newspaper editor, television presenter, columnist, diarist and social commentator. Indeed, there are few areas in which he hasn’t not excelled, and the 53-year-old unpolymath counts the world’s greatest celebrities amongst his closest friends. How nice it would be to kick him squarely in the bollocks. Watching the shit-eating grin disappear off Morgan’s fat fucking face, to be replaced by a rictus of sickening pain as our toe-end connected with his lettuce-limp nadbag, would be the most satisfying thing most of us could imagine. But accurately landing such a kick would be no easy task. Many pitfalls and obstacles lie in the way of a successful assault on the smug bastard’s clockweights. But we needn’t worry, because…

A FORMER landlord of the BBC bar has sensationally leaked a blacklist naming many of the corporation’s top stars whom he has been forced to BAN for unacceptable behaviour. Ex-Beeb publican PENRITH KENDAL, who recently lost his job following a series of mainly unsubstantiated allegations including, but not limited to, serving drinks outside of licensing hours, theft from the till, being drunk while on duty, and the installation of surveillance cameras inside a vent in the ladies’ toilets, says that a rollcall of the broadcaster’s most highly paid personalities behaved so appallingly that he was left with no option but to forbid them from entering his premises. Kendal told us: “It was my name above the door, and ultimately the buck stopped with me. I wasn’t going to allow the…

EVERYONE knows that Pampas grass planted in the front garden of a house is a sure sign that the homeowners are swingers. So when me and my wife saw a clump of it growing in the garden of the couple who’d just moved in over the road, we decided to pop round for a bit of how’s-your father. After we had introduced ourselves on the doorstep, I made a clumsy grab for the woman’s breasts while my wife attempted to rub the husband’s penis through his trousers. To our surprise, the couple failed to respond in kind, telling us to “eff off” in no uncertain terms. As we walked back down the path with fleas in our ears, we realised our mistake. It wasn’t Pampas grass (Cortaderia selloana) after all,…

PRETEND to be a professional footballer by looking up at an imaginary big TV screen each time you make a cock-up at work. Swiss Tony, Tynemouth SPIRIT mediums. Make your séances more efficient by using a Ouija Board with a QWERTY layout. That way ghosts can spell their message out faster and maybe they’ll learn to touch type so they can just send you a bloody email instead. Tomaz O’Neil, Wood Green FOOL the neighbours into thinking you are giving your wife an orgasm by flushing the downstairs toilet while she’s in the shower. Michael Thompson, North Wales EXPERIENCE being a taller version of yourself by simply wearing a VR camera 4 inches above your actual head height and viewing the world through VR goggles. Toby, Chiang Mai HOUSEWIVES. Make…

A WEST Yorkshire handyman says that a series of bizarre, billion-to-one coincidences have ruined his successful business, leaving him bankrupt, homeless, and facing a possible prison sentence. For six weeks, entrepreneur Ackworth Coxwold, 61, enjoyed a thriving career doing minor domestic repairs in and around the Castleford area, until a succession of remarkable twists of fate combined to leave his life in tatters. He told us: “I’d always been a Jack-of-all-trades and good with my hands, so when I lost my job at the local recycling plant for reasons I won’t go into, I decided it was time to strike out on my own and become my own boss. I put a card advertising my services as a handyman in the post office window. I felt I had a number…

Avuncular Radio 2 Popmaster favourite KEN BRUCE, for throwing a table through the window when the Deuchars IPA barrel ran out. Veteran Bake-Off judge MARY BERRY, after she leant over the bar and helped herself to a double gin from the optic while he was in the cellar fetching up another card of Big-D nuts. News24’s CLIVE MYRIE, for asking for a glass of tap water, then topping it up with whisky from a bottle that he’d brought in under his coat Highbrow BBC4 Arts presenter WALDEMAR JANUSZCZAK, whom he caught selling hooky rolling tobacco to other stars, from a suitcase in the bogs…

THE man next door has a lovely 12-foot palm tree in his garden and it’s his pride and joy. It really is a beautiful tree; it blooms every year without fail in a spectacular cascade of creamy white flowers. As you can imagine, it makes my garden, with its weeds, threadbare dog-shitty lawn and housebrick rockery, look quite ordinary in comparison. I am 43 and my wife is 46. We have been together for 22 years, and we have enjoyed an active sex life throughout our marriage. Just lately, however, whilst making love to my wife I have found myself thinking about my neighbour’s palm tree, and my feelings of annoyance and jealousy about it have caused me to lose my erection. Now I am worried that my inability to…

THE FASHION industry has announced that the colour for 2019 will be blue. This takes over from last year’s colour, which was green. The decision was announced in New York by American Vogue editor Coco Solidz at a Ritz Hotel press conference attended by clothing designers, haute couture magazine journalists and style critics from around the world. The announcement came as a surprise, as red or yellow had been expected to be awarded the coveted title. A fashion business spokesman told us: “We  were all really surprised when we heard that blue was this year’s colour. Those of us who have bought loads of red and yellow cloth will now have to throw it all away.” Clothes factories will now go into overdrive, producing blue hats, dresses, jackets, trousers and…

FORMER education secretary Michael Gove today called for drastic measures to improve Britain's standards of spelling and grammar - after revealing that nearly ninety percent of emails he receives from constituents misspell the word ‘bellend’. The Edinburgh-born minister, 51, made the shocking announcement on The Andrew Marr Show on Sunday morning. He told Marr: “In my fourteen years as a member of parliament, I have received literally thousands of emails, letters and faxes from the great British public. And it saddens me to say that, in nearly every one of them, the word ‘bellend’ has been spelled incorrectly.” slides Gove went on to show slides of various correspondences sent to him by his constituents since 2005 - the overwhelming majority of which…

abroadie adj. (əˈbrɔːd-ee) Theatrical version of the Geordie accent unaccountably adopted by Newcastle folk after they move away from the north east, even if they didn’t have much of an accent before. ASWAD/aswad abbrev. A Single Wank A Day. A sensible ration for a growing lad if he is to avoid stunted growth, hairy palms, blindness and insanity. barber’s pole n. Tricky male masturbatory technique entailing a helical clockwise twist on the upstroke. blacksmith’s cramp n. medic. Lower right arm complaint suffered by those who do a lot of hammering. bounce out 1. n. In darts, when your dart doesn’t stick in the board due to it hitting the wire instead. 2. n. In sex, when your willy doesn’t stick in the fanny or arse due to it…

1 FIRST of all, go into the garden and select a piece of bamboo that is about the same length as a walking stick. Allow a couple of inches extra so you can trim it to size later. 2 TRIM OFF all the leaves and shoots from your bamboo and cut it to the exact length you require. 3 HEY PRESTO! You now have a super walking stick that will be the envy of all your friends, such as JFK, Bobby Kennedy and Mafia boss Sam Giancana! Bam-Boo Boop-ee-Doo!…