Innholdsfortegnelse for December 2018 - January 2019 i Viz

•I HAVE a degree in Marine Biology, so I am able to answer the question about the crab pictured in issue 278. It’s a Palawan purple crab (Insulamon palawanense) which is native to the Philippines and was only described by science as recently as 2012, although I suspect that the locals knew about it a bit before then. They are only about 1 or 2 inches across and probably would not even make a decent starter. Chris Quinn, Liverpool • THE crab species that Mat enquired about (Letterbocks 280) is a red rock crab (Grapsus grapsus). It is native to Mexico so if it could talk, as suggested by Mr Buktu’s mate in Letterbocks issue 278, it would say stuff like “¡Ponme de nuevo debajo de esa roca, gran bastardo…

Whether it’s not decorating the tree until Christmas Eve, wearing comedy jumpers on December 25th, or toasting the Queen’s Speech with a sip of sweet sherry, every family has its own set of quirky and eccentric Christmas traditions … and our favourite stars are no exception. We were originally intending to ask a dozen top showbiz celebrities called Day to tell us about the origins of their own families’ much-loved Christmas customs, but we could only think of ten. One of them was dead and two others wouldn’t reply so, to fill up the page, we thought of a few other household names and asked them as well. DARREN DAY Ex-serial love rat “AT my house, we tie grandad up with a washing line and lock him him in…

ASK ANYONE in the street to describe Father Christmas, and they’ll say he’s a ruddy-faced man with a scarlet tunic and a big white beard. However, the REAL Father Christmas could not have been more different from Santa Claus, and he lived thousands of miles from the North Pole. Shy, unassuming, and slight of build, the world’s greatest scientist Sir Isaac Newton was born near Grantham, Lincolnshire, on December 25th 1642. It is entirely thanks to him and his invention of Gravity that we enjoy the festive season we know and love today. And if you think that’s an over-exaggeration of Isaac Newton’s importance to the festive season, then let us imagine what a typical family Christmas would be like if the force of Gravity had never existed. Every Christmas…

EX-Prime Minister DAVID CAMERON still hasn’t been back to pick up his daughter from that pub, after inadvertently leaving her there following a Sunday lunch in 2012. The child, who was 8 years old at the time, is now 14 and has been sitting by the bar of the Plough Inn, Cadsden, with a glass of lemonade and a bag of crisps for more than 6 years. The landlord told us: “Every time someone comes in the door, she looks up hopefully. But her hopes are always dashed. It’s quite sad, really.” A spokesman for the former premier told us: “It’s a simple mix-up. Mr Cameron thought his wife had gone back to the pub to pick her up in 2012, while she in turn thought that he had gone.”…

CONVINCE people you have an automatic car boot by secreting your smallest child inside and getting them to slowly open and close it with a length of fishing line. Eldon Furse, email AVOID having to slow down to overtake horses by getting an electric car. With their silent motors you can whizz past the nervous fuckers at 60mph and they won’t bat an eyelid. Probably. Steve Crouch, Peterborough GIG organisers. Save money on expensive dry ice machines by setting up the vaping area next to the stage. Claire Maw, Huddersfield TIE some very thin rope to your wheelie bin when you put it out. Then when it’s been emptied, simply pull it slowly back towards your house, making neighbours think you have a futuristic, self-moving bin. Fool them further by…

War and Piss Profanisaurus winners Keith Bryson, Belfast; Gaz Hayes, Oldham; Kim Humphriss, Wolverhampton; Alan Tinker, Radcliffe; Andrew Bickmore, London; Tony Baker, Wallsend; Mike Genius Purrett, Leeds; Andy Woods, Norfolk; M Hopkinson, Wakefield; Paul Douglas, Hull; Caroline Horst, Stourbridge; Donald Marsh, London; Ben Taylor, Kirby Lonsdale; Kim Halliday, Bracknell; Ross Mc Donald, Bangor; Matthew Pugh, Newport; Hywell Jones, LLanelli; Pete McDermott, Thame; Peter Crowther, Reading; Shelley Raiden, Dunfermline. The Pieman’s Wig winners Diane Davies, Houghton Green; Emma Dixon, Suffolk; Ian Walmsley, Glossop; Ryan Cloke, Bolton;…

DURING his lifetime, actor OLIVER REED earned a reputation as a hard-drinking, hard-living hellraiser. Tales of the star’s notorious booze-fuelled benders, which often lasted several days, were the stuff of showbiz legend. It was sadly no surprise when he died aged 61, following an epic drinking match with sailors during production of the movie Gladiator in 1999. At the time of his death, Reed’s scenes for the movie had yet to be completed, and director Ridley Scott was forced to complete filming using a computer-generated body double. But now, nearly 20 years after he hellrose himself to death, it seems that Reed’s CGI avatar is back up to his old hellraising tricks, after it apparently went on a 72-hour drinks binge rampage during production of a…

IN THE last issue, the Viz Crown Court asked you asked you to come to a verdict on the guilt or innocence of Raymond Cummerbund, who was charged with engaging in unlawful sexual intercourse with a crocodile at Fulchester Zoological Gardens. Viz readers obviously take their civic responsibilities very seriously, as we had an enormous response. And you, the Viz jury found the defendant... GUILTY as charged. Mr Cummerbund asked for 134 similar cases to be taken into consideration and was given to a 2-year suspended prison sentence.…

SOURCES close to the Scumptons of Hull have refused to confirm or deny leaked details of the family’s Christmas Day episode. As ever, information about the hotly anticipated bumper festive instalment is being kept tightly under wraps, but it is believed that an overheard conversation between two of the Scumptons in Aldi may have given away crucial details of what’s in store for fans. It is understood that villainous character Uncle Barry is set to make a shock return to the family’s two-up two-down terraced house in Haydock Garth following his release from prison on Christmas Eve. Scumpton fans have long loved to hate bad boy Barry, who got next door neighbour Janice Toftsock pregnant and left her at the altar, and it is thought that his surprise reappearance will…

I WAS just watching Inside the Factory on BBC2, about the Heinz baked beans plant, and I thought I heard baldy TV greengrocer-turned-wrestler Gregg Wallace announce: “Back at the factory, it’s been fifty-two minutes since I released my beans from the bag.” A few minutes later, he said: “Just two hours ago, I was hoisting my bag of beans into place, and releasing them into the factory.” I’m no expert, but surely this is against every hygiene regulation in the book? Spud, Luton…