Innholdsfortegnelse for November 2018 i Viz

• THEY say that if a snooker ball was blown up to be the same size as the Earth, the Earth would be smoother. These so-called scientists have clearly never seen the state of the potholes in the roads around the Cambridgeshire/ Norfolk border. Thanston Crabb, Wisbech • LAST night I dreamt that I was having an amazing night on the piss with my mates. When I woke up I was delighted to find that my mouth didn’t taste like a cat had taken a shit in it and my wallet still contained some cash. However, my joy was tainted by the fact that my alarm clock went off just as I was about to enter a top-drawer strip club. Have any of your other readers had a more bittersweet…

I’M Ted Robbins and you once published a letter concerning me going on about being Paul McCartney’s first cousin once-removed, whilst Sir Paul has never once mentioned me. Well • he still hasn’t, but could I be in your New VIP Roped-off Area? I was nominated for ‘Regional TV Presenter of The Year’ for Boot Sale Challenge about 12 years ago, but things have been a bit quiet for me lately. It really would give a boost to my confidence. Ted Robbins, email • MY novel, Love Sex Work Murder got to number 1 on the English crime novel download chart on Amazon (admittedly when it was on free Kindle promotion, but we don’t need to mention that), and I’ve also been on telly, so I clearly qualify as a…

CAT-BIN woman, that politician who got sucked off on Hampstead Heath while looking for badgers, the Moto GP bike racer who pulled on his opponent’s brakes at 140mph, Prince Harry in his Nazi armband, Theresa May doing her fucking stupid dance… at some point in our life, every single one of us has experienced a Moment of Madness that we have lived to regret. We’ve all done something completely out of character which, if we had our time over, we would not do again. And that includes the stars… Fiona Bruce BBC presenter I ONCE done a shit in Tomasz Schafernacker’s shoe. I drove in one morning and his car was in my parking space, so I went down to the weather forecast department to have it out…

TO everyone’s great joy, the latest series of The Apprentice is back on our screens. The top-rated show, with its amazing £250,000 investment first prize, is a chance to watch hungry young entrepreneurs battling across Sir Lord Sugar’s boardroom table for the chance to make it big in the business world. But just in case you’re doing something else for the next ten Wednesday nights – such as de-fleaing the cat, unblocking the shower plug, or watching whatever’s on the other side – don’t despair. Because we’ve teamed up with the scrotum-faced Amstrad billionaire himself to bring you this fantastic FREE The Apprentice board game! INSTRUCTIONS: It’s a game for two players. Firstly, pick an overblown name for your team. Below are…

Agamemnon 1. n. prop. In classical mythology, one of the principle protagonists in Homer’s Iliad; the commander of the Greek forces during the seige of Troy. Don’t say we never fucking learn you anything. 2. n. An unimaginative gift purchaser; “the King Of Argos”. air of the dog n. A pungent morning-after touch of the vapours of which Rover would be proud. ancient wristory n. A nostalgic ham shank over an old flame. Also tosstalgia, pasturbation, quimsy. be-hymen n. A person’s anal virgin string, that may be be snapped inadvertently when falling awkwardly onto a milk bottle while wearing a loosefitting dressing gown, to pick an example entirely at random. Benito’s hat 1. n. Chain of popular Mexican eateries serving fresh burritos and, it says…

DRAGON’S Den contestants. Instead of going into a corner while you consider the Dragons’ offer, simply tell them to stand in the corner or better still, tell them to fuck off out of the room. This will impress them and show them you are boss material. Burton Joyce, Harworth STOP the weird bloke at the next urinal from looking at your cock by complimenting him on his own. Works every time. Steve Crouch, Peterborough DRAPE a tea towel over your shoulder and polish a glass when saying farewell to guests so as they think you are a former pub landlord. Billy Grayson, Bundaberg TAKE a roll of sellotape and some raffle tickets ending in zero or five to dinner parties and stick them on the wine brought by other guests.…

FROM Land’s End to John O’Groats, we all love the cheeky Hallowe’en tradition of Trick or Treating. And it’s safe to assume that celebrities called Nick love it just as much, if not slightly more. That’s why we rounded up our four favourite A-List Nicks and asked them to tell us exactly how THEY spend the spooooookiest 24 hours of the calendar year. Nick Witchell, carrot-topped royalist HALLOWE’EN can be a bit of a trial for me as my gaff is the first stop on the Queen’s Trick or Treat route. Every October 31st, I’ll open the door to Her Maj all done up as a Dracula or a Frankenstein or a Freddy Krueger, and even when I reward her efforts with a ‘treat’ of finest Belgian truffles, she still…

SUMMER is over and Winter is on its way, and that can mean only one thing; it’s Autumn. And the fact that it’s Autumn can mean only one thing; the arrival of a brand new Viz annual . And also a completely updated Roger’s Profanisaurus . So that’s actually two things. THE PIEMAN’S WIG If you thought last year’s 200-page annual was big, wait until you see the big fat fucker we’re publishing this year. Because the colourful, glossy covers of The Pieman’s Wig are bursting under the strain of containing 220 pages of the best bits from issues 252-261. So if your memory is going a bit and you can’t remember what you read 2 or 3 years ago, then this is the…

ANYONE who reads the newspaper knows that art connoisseurs and collectors regularly hand over dizzying amounts of cash for paintings and sculptures by their favourite artists such as VAN GOGH, MONET, PICASSO and CONSTABLE. At a New York auction last year, an anonymous buyer forked out an eye-watering $450 MILLION for a painting by LEONARDO DA VINCI… enough money to buy 150,000 top-of-the-range 64” flatscreen tellys! Not surprisingly, an international art market so saturated with money is also awash with fakes. And while experts can obviously spot a bootleg Botticelli or a counterfeit Canaletto a mile off, it is feared that many inexperienced collectors have been duped into unwittingly paying big money for worthless forgeries. Increasingly, unscrupulous crooks posing as respectable art dealers are targeting the showbiz stars…

A Viz reader who is pregnant with quads got more than she bargained for when she bought a copy of the brand new Viz Profanisaurus: War and Piss . While perusing the famous dictionary of bad language, 23-year-old Maureen Mimblehulme turned the page to find a DEAD RAT squashed inside the book! “I felt physically sick,” the Northants canning factory worker, who is expecting four babies in December, told her local paper The Silverstone Lodestar & Beacon. “I’d already read quite a bit of the book before I found it. It was absolutely disgusting.” wonder “It makes you wonder what the hygiene policies at Viz are like, when they can sell a heavily pregnant woman a book with a…

WE’VE had a deluge of letters from readers who have seen famous people at a train station and have asked them if they were them. Here are some of the best we’ve received. •I SAW Robbie Coltrane getting on a train in Amsterdam in 1990. I said “are you Robbie Coltrane?” and he said “fuck off” to me. Have any other readers seen a fat celebrity getting on a train? Dan Bamboo, Exeter •I ONCE saw wavey-armed telly scientist Magnus Pyke at Kings Cross station. I said to him “are you Magnus Pyke?” and he replied “Yes, but I’ve got to catch a train.” I thought it was an odd response from a scientist, as it seemed to imply that his being Magnus Pyke and his need to catch a…

Faith tested by testes Dear Justin, I GO TO church every week but I squashed one of my plums sitting on the pew, and now I’m worried that I’m going to Hell. I am 34 and my wife is 36. We have been married for 12 years and attend the Sunday morning service at our local church every Sunday without fail. Last week, I stood up to do the Lord’s prayer, and after saying Amen I sat down. However, I was wearing an old, unsupportive pair of boxer shorts at the time, and as I did so I accidentally squashed one of my bollocks, like men do sometimes. It really knacked, and made my eyes water. I immediately thought of Chapter 21, verse 20 of Leviticus where it states quite…

A SERIAL prankster who has raised thousands of pounds for good causes has narrowly avoided a prison sentence after one of his charity stunts went wrong. Big-hearted fundraiser, Mick Halibut has built up a small reputation in South Yorkshire after playing a series of pranks that primarily target brothels in Doncaster and Sheffield. “I’ve always found that people working in the sex industry are bit straight-faced and take themselves far too seriously,” he told the Doncaster Cyst and Embolism. “Playing tricks and poking a bit of fun at them is just my way of getting them to lighten up, while highlighting some of the hypocricy in the industry, especially in terms of pricing and timekeeping,” he added. Ever the practical joker, Halibut’s hilarious pranks have included pretending to have misplaced…