Innholdsfortegnelse for September 2018 i Viz

• BBC news presenter Sophie Rayworth was on BBC Breakfast this morning talking about her grandfather, who lied about his age in order to become an RAF pilot in the First World War. I have to say, if I found out my grandfather was a liar I certainly wouldn’t go on national television boasting about it. Stanley Cheesecake, Goole • DURING a TV ad break recently, there was an advert for Tena Lady, immediately followed by one for vaginal dryness. Now I’m no expert on these matters, but come on ladies, which one is it? Graham, email • IF any readers have lost a moth, it’s in my house if you want to come and collect it. Magenta Cartridge, West Kanyeville • I AM allergic to peaches, so imagine my…

LAST issue David Smallbone asked for help identifying a bird in his garden from its distinctive “w-wurrr-woo, w-wurrr-woo” call. And the eagle-eared Viz twitching fraternity have been writing in in their droves… …I THINK Mr Smallbone’s bird is a pigeon. I have them sitting in the tree at the bottom of my garden, going “w-wurrr-woo, w-wurrr-woo” all the time, and pooing on my compost bin. Charles, email …I BELIEVE the mystery bird that goes “w-wurrrwoo, w-wurr-woo” is a wood pigeon. As a keen twitcher, I have spent many an afternoon watching and listening to these magnificent creatures. My wife has not left me for the postman yet, but I feel it is imminent. P Wilkinson, Withernsea …I CAN confidently say that it is probably called a…

THE UK’s marriage guidance counsellors are bracing themselves for a huge spike in demand for their services as the government’s forthcoming plastics ban begins to bite. For experts fear that once single-use plastic cartons are banned, milk will once again come in glass bottles delivered by traditional randy milkmen. “Just like back in the seventies, lonely housewives will find themselves unable to resist the cheeky doorstep patter of these crate-toting lotharios,” said Relate spokesman Sidney Bliss. “Affairs will be the inevitable result, and Britain’s married couples will need our services more than ever to patch up their shattered relationships.” Government acts to head off national disaster dairy “Over the past few decades, people have increasingly bought their dairy produce in the supermarket, and consequently there has been a downward trend…

Holier-than-thou celebrities revealed as fucking hypocrites IT SEEMS you can’t turn on the television these days without being lectured by some holier-than-thou celebrity about how we have to clean up our act to save the world from ecological disaster. Whether it’s jumped-up pop singers telling us not to fly on planes, celebrity chefs slagging us off for not wanting to buy wonky-shaped carrots, or some two’penny ha’penny actor telling us not to flush when we’ve had a piss, only when we’ve had a shit, it makes you sick. But do these self-righteous celebrity arseholes live up to the standards they deign to set for the rest of us? Viz undercover reporter Mahatma Macaroon decided they didn’t and went undercover to see if he was right. What…

AS FAR as I can tell, the billionaire Harry Potter author has never made any public pronouncements on environmental issues. However, if she did, she’s exactly the sort of sneering, toffee-nosed leftie who’d be telling everyone else to ditch their smoke-belching diesel 4x4 or stop giving their kids turkey twizzlers. And, of course, this would be all well and good if she maintained a squeaky-clean environmental audit for herself. I’m no snitch, but following my exhaustive investigation of the bins outside Rowling’s swanky Edinburgh mansion, I can exclusively reveal that Rowling’s carbon footprint is as big and dirty as Hagrid’s underpants. In the early hours of the morning, I donned an army surplus ghillie suit and scaled the back wall of Rowling’s palatial Murrayfield estate. Dodging the security cameras, I…

FROM Land’s End to John O’Groats, this year’s sizzling summer has left Brits with just one topic of conversation … The drought. Now, as the scorching weather finally cools and the country’s depleted reservoirs slowly begin to refill, scientists are issuing dire warnings that, as the climate changes and global warming begins to bite, even worse droughts are headed our way in the years ahead. “There’s no doubt about it. Next time we have a prolonged spell of nice weather, the country’s lakes and rivers will simply boil dry,” said Met Office forecaster Dr Zsa-Zsa Grenouille. “And that will be bad news for anyone who likes water, or who depends on it for their living.” ponds “For example, aquarium keepers and people who own ponds will be hit particularly hard…

AS the country wilted in the scorching temperatures of the hottest summer since 1976 since records began, one major industry was slammed for cashing in and making a killing while the sun shone. Responding to increased demand for their spiky, drought-loving plants, Britain’s cactus growers stood accused of more than DOUBLING their prices, leaving desperate customers fuming. “A barrel cactus from my local garden centre would have cost me £2.99 last year when I didn’t want one, but this summer the price for that same cactus had gone up to more than a fiver,” fumed Surbiton mum-of-three Audrey Steaming. “They were ripping us off simply because there was no water to keep our other houseplants alive.” “I had some ferns, but as soon as the taps in the house ran…

all round to Mrs Brown’s 1. n. Saturday night television entertainment show that, you might imagine without actually going through the ordeal of watching it, is a bit like Noel’s House Party only with an elderly female impersonator shouting “Feck!” every ten seconds or so. 2. euph. That wonderful moment when your bag for life intimates that some backdoor action might just possibly be on the cards. Blue Peter badge n. rhym. slang. The feminine bower of bliss; the vadge, fadge etc. ‘Love, I’ve emptied the bins, cleaned the car and mowed the lawn. Do I get a Blue Peter badge tonight then, or what?’ bog oak 1. n. Dark, heavy timber that has been submerged in moist conditions for centuries. 2. n. Dark, heavy Peter O’Tooles…

SIR David Attenborough yesterday issued a desperate plea to biologists around the world: “Please tell me a group of animals I haven’t done a landmark series about yet.” The veteran TV naturalist said he had been racking his brains to think of a topic for a new 8-part series, but had so far drawn a complete blank. “I’ve done them about birds, fish, mammals, insects, reptiles, the lot,” he told reporters. “I’ve even done ones about the places they live, like the Arctic, jungles, mountains, deserts, up in the sky and under the sea and all that stuff.” planet Attenborough, who even managed to get a whole big-budget series - The Trials of Life - out of the various stages of animals’ life cycles, admitted that although he now fears…

RECENTLY announced government figures revealed that the cost of maintaining the Queen has risen 13%, with taxpayers now forking out the thick end of £50 MILLION a year to pay for Her Majesty’s upkeep. But with 92 years on the clock, is it now time for the country to think the unthinkable and start running our elderly and much-loved monarch on the cheap? old banger Make no mistake, we’ve had our money’s worth out of the Queen. The old girl’s given us faultless and reliable service over the 66 years of her reign. But it’s time to face facts; just as you wouldn’t keep taking a rusty old banger that’s been twice round the clock to a fancy main dealer for maintenance, isn’t it now time to start entrusting Her…

A BLOKE borrowed my mate’s glasses the other week, and it turns out his cousin is Zach Galifianakis, one of the blokes who was in The Hangover. He borrowed a pen as well, but that was off my mate’s mate. Ian Nanford, London MY BROTHER’S missus’s mum taught Arthur Askey to ride a horse for a pantomime. That was when he still had legs. Dennis Farmer, Cheshire A FRIEND of mine brought Eddie “The Eagle” Edwards a drink a few years ago at a football match. He had a Diet Coke and my friend said he was the nicest bloke you could meet, even though he didn’t buy him a drink back. Martin Scoltock, Matlock…

AS you glance up from your newspaper and look at your wife as she does the dishes, hoovers around your feet, or brings you a cup of tea, have you ever asked yourself: Is she having it off with the milkman? You can’t simply ask her outright, as she’s almost certain to feign offence at the suggestion that she is reneging on her marriage vows. But there is a much easier way to find out the truth. Simply answer the questions in this quiz and tot up your score to discover once and for all what she gets up to every morning when she hears the milkman’s float pulling up outside. 1. Where does your wife get the milk? a. She pops to the corner shop for it…

THE Paddington 2 star is a 24-carat national treasure, and has campaigned tirelessly on behalf of orang utans, tigers, gurkhas and polar bears. But does she love these endangered species enough to actually change her own habits? I decided to find out. After drugging her next door neighbour’s dog with some meat to stop it barking, I scaled the garden wall of her elegant Notting Hill pad. I quickly found the bins in the side passage, and tipped them over to unearth evidence of her hypocrisy. But then I hit a snag: the bins had been collected that morning and were as clean as a whistle. proof However, a good investigative journalist doesn’t give up until he discovers the proof that he wants, and neither do…

DICTIONARY publishers are looking forward to record sales, and it’s all thanks to the summer drought. As our reservoirs dry up and the news starts reporting that bowsers are being deployed on Britain’s streets, the public are expected to flock to the shops in their thousands to buy dictionaries in order to look up what the word “bowser” means. OED lexicographer Susie Concavity told us: “It’s the same every time there’s a dry spell. The first thing the authorities do is instigate a hosepipe ban. Our sales don’t move because everyone knows what a hosepipe is.” “The next stage, once the reservoirs start to get a bit depleted, is to set up standpipes,” she continued. “We sell a few more dictionaries then, but it’s only when they reach the ‘bowser’…

WHEN you have mislaid something around the house, asking your spouse “where have you put…(the object)?” rather than ‘”have you seen…?” helps provide the kind of frisson needed to keep a relationship healthy. D Cooper, Malta PRETEND being an angry vegan for a day by putting a piece of Lego in your sock in the morning and tutting at everything that isn’t made of quinoa. Gareth Thomas, Redhill SAVE money at the supermarket by peeling your bananas before weighing them. This will also mean you have less rubbish to throw away at home, saving you more money in bin liners. Mr S Andrews, Bristol INSOMNIACS. Drink a large can of Red Bull before retiring to bed to help you concentrate on counting sheep. Ian Saxon, Hartlepuddle COUNCILS. Design the ‘plastics…

MOSTLY a... Congratulations. You have a faithful missus who has stuck rigidly to her marriage vows. She will never give in to the temptation of illicit nookie with the milkman the moment your back is turned, no matter how randy he is or how glib and flattering are his doorstep chat-up lines. MOSTLY b... It is unlikely that your wife is inviting your milko in for a daily portion of how’s your father, but don’t rule out the possibility. It may be worth checking for a milkman’s hat, an empty crate or a blue-and-white striped apron discarded on the bedroom floor when you get back from work. MOSTLY c... Oh dear. We’re sorry you had to find out this way, but your wife and the milkman are almost certainly at…

THE Private Eye editor makes a big deal about his rag’s mission to expose the rank hypocrisy of public figures and politicians. But have I got news for you … when it comes to hypocrisy, he is the worst offender of them all. That’s because, whilst he accepts that global warming is a fact, his own actions are making the problem worse. Wearing a black morph suit, I approached Hislop’s swanky Little Venice mews house at three in the morning, using bolt cutters to gain access to the immaculately manicured back garden where he stores his wheelie bins. Neatly stacked in his glass recycling bin I found three Champagne bottles, their Laurent-Perrier labels clearly visible by the light of the pen-torch gripped…

PROTO-PUNK band The Tubes have been slammed by their fans after ageing forty years since their late seventies heyday. The San Francisco-based nine-piece, who were known for their rebellious, anti-establishment stance and fast-paced, aggressive songs such as Mondo Bondage , Don’t Touch Me There and White Punks on Dope , are now more than four decades older than they used to be. And their fans aren’t happy. “These guys used to be in their twenties,” said disappointed Tubes fan Ted Carpet, 58. “They were young, angry and full of energy.” “But just look at them now. These days Fee Waybill is getting on for seventy. Quite frankly, he’s let us all down,” said Carpet. pass He also slammed other…