Innholdsfortegnelse for June/July 2018 i Viz

•I KNOW folk have accused Bear Grylls of staying the night in a right posh hotel when he’s doing all these survivalist programmes, but I reckon he is even cannier than that. I bet he gets the money for the hotel, pockets it, and then spends the night in the jungle. When I was a hod carrier and we’d get a job down south or wherever, we’d just drink the digs money and kip down in the back of the van. Barney Bubble, Newcastle •I WONDER if Trappist monks who take a vow of silence are allowed to text each other, or go on Facebook and Twitter. I suppose it depends on whether it’s talking or communicating that God doesn’t like them to do. Torbjorn Elstree, Goole • AS a…

DARWINIST egghead Professor Richard Dawkins was left red-faced yesterday after embarrassing details about his ancestry came to light. Because despite his outspoken belief that mankind came from monkeys, experts investigating his family tree unveiled not one single ape! Dawkins, 77, was filming for the new series of BBC genealogy show Who Do You Think You Are? when the humiliating discovery was made. Series’ producer Merton Chemicals told reporters: “A week ago, my research team took some of Richard’s DNA and a selection of his family correspondence and went off to trace his roots.” monkey “Due to Richard’s well-known evolutionary theories we all assumed that once we got a few hundred years back, it’d just be wall-to-wall monkeys. But when they unveiled their…

58-year-old Preston Potto said that he didn’t think that Agnetha Fältskog had aged as well as he might have hoped. “She was the best thing going in the seventies, especially when she used to stick her arse out in those tight trousers. Or when she was wearing that short dress with the slit up the side,” he told his local paper the Bolton Prostate Examiner. “I mean, I certainly would have. Who wouldn’t?” fit “But when I saw the latest pictures of her, I was disappointed by the effect that the intervening three-and-a-half decades had wrought upon her appearance,” he said. Potto explained that whilst he accepted that Fältskog was now 68, he had expected her to look more like a fairly saucy piece in her early-to-mid fifties. “I thought…

FRIENDS and colleagues of BBC 5Live presenter ADRIAN CHILES are said to be gravely concerned following the radio personality’s recent conversion to Voodooism. And they fear that the popular Brummie host has been anointed as a bokor, or black magic Voodoo priest, and that he has been using BBC property as a locus for sacrifice and initiation ceremonies. Chiles, 60, who was a telly favourite in such shows as The One Show, Christine and Adrian’s Friendship Test and My Mediterranean with Adrian Chiles, is also accused of dabbling in other sorcery associated with the Haitian dark arts cult including: • Using gris-gris charms to boost ratings of his Chiles on Friday radio show. • Visiting the kalfou, a set of cross roads where good and evil intersect, as part of a midnight…

Blonde Goulding, 28, was arrested along with several known members of the notorious “Peebles Street Headhunters” near the Whistler’s Tavern in the town, shortly before Saturday’s match between Morton and Raith Rovers. Police were called to the scene around 2pm after violent clashes between rival groups of supporters broke out. In total, six arrests were made and a 35 year-old male was treated at the scene for a minor head wound. arrest Goulding, who was wearing a £450 pair of designer trainers and an ill-fitting £800 duffel coat at the time of her arrest, initially fled the scene but was quickly aprehended by members of Strathclyde Police Dog Team as she attempted to vault over a fence behind the local branch of Greggs bakery. She is expected to appear at…

“ANYTHING THAT brings people to the town is good, and a 40-foot-high, 14,000-mile-long castellated rampart certainly fits that bill in my book.” Richard le Scrope, consultant proctologist “IF THEY go ahead with it, I hope they put some gates in, because I live on Davis Avenue and I don’t want to have to walk thousands of miles every day just to get to me ciggies from the Spar on Peel Street.” Henry Bowet, chartered turf accountant “I’VE JUST paid the thick end of £150 to have my back kitchen wall repointed, and that’s just ten foot long. I shudder to think how much it is going to cost the local ratepayers to have the mortar on a 14,000-mile wall titivated every few years when the frost’s got in.” Samuel Harsnett,…

CARPET fitters. Fool youngsters into thinking you have some street cred by simply carrying a skateboard when you’re wearing your kneepads. John Owens, Glasgow OWLS. Fool people into believing you are wise by simply keeping very still and looking as though you are thinking hard. Even if you are actually only thinking about how stuffed you still are after that water vole you scoffed half an hour ago. Jane Hoole Garner, St Ives ENCOURAGE a good flow of air around your genitals when visiting a public toilet by hoiking your cock and balls out of your flies before pissing. Consider washing them in a basin after as well. Darvid Edwards, Bridport DUKES OF HAZZARD fans. Looking for some bright orange paint to finish your replica General Lee car? Simply…

FORMER UKIP leader NIGEL FARAGE has vowed to fight any potential attempt by the government to bring in laws that force men to wear women’s clothes in the workplace. At a hastily-convened press conference in a Thanet pub beer-garden, the bellend MEP, 54, claimed that if men were obliged to don skirts, bras, high-heeled shoes and tights in the name of workplace equality, it would be “an utterly ridiculous situation.” Farage told reporters: “I’m all for women’s rights, but if the powers that be were to possibly come up with a frankly stupid and unworkable idea like this to try to address the issue, I would oppose it with all my might.” “I’m in favour of equality, but such a plan would potentially be a case…

MOP top pop legend Ringo Starr told fans yesterday that they can start sending him fan mail and autograph requests again, revealing that he hadn’t received anything interesting through his letterbox since he imposed a global ban ten years ago. Back in 2008, the former Thomas the Tank Engine narrator posted a video online saying he didn’t want to spend any more time answering fan mail, sending out signed photographs or autographing any Thomas the Tank Engine memorabilia. He went on to warn that anything sent to him “would be tossed.” But now, after a decade of receiving broadband advertisements, utility company insurance enquiries, charity requests, prize draw cons and fast food menus, Starr has decided to rescind his original order and issue a new edict…

APENRITH garage mechanic who has been dubbed “Abba’s least enthusiastic fan” yesterday announced that he was “not really fussed one way or the other” at the announcement that the band have recorded two brand new songs. And dad-of-three Gary Fairbrass, 56, went on to say that he “couldn’t give a toss” that the seventies Swedish supergroup were planning a stadium tour in 3-D hologram form. Speaking to colleagues at the exhaust centre where he works, Fair-brass said that he supposed some of Abba’s songs were alright, but to be honest, he hadn’t really given the group a lot of thought since the late 1970s. Fairbrass has not dedicated a room of his house to his Abba collection, which consists of a double-LP “Best-of” collection that he bought at a car…

AN hilarious office worker had his colleagues in stitches yesterday after greeting one of them with the phrase ‘what can I do you for?’ Simon Onions, a process processor from Hadley and Kemp Processing Ltd, made the comment early on Tuesday morning after his colleague Jeremy Sextoy needed the use of a stapler. “There wasn’t one in the stationery cupboard,” said Sextoy, who then decided to ask Onions if he could borrow his. And it was on approaching his desk that the self-styled office comic uttered his hilarious phrase. “He didn’t say ‘What can I do for you’, as you would expect, but ‘What can I do you for,’” said Sextoy, still doubled up with laughter. “He’d transposed the final two words of the sentence for comedic effect. It was…

THE government’s Communications watchdog today issued a warning to all vulnerable and lonely pensioners to be wary of offers they receive in the post promising a free Rolling Stones concert in their living room, calling it nothing more than a “Street Fightin’ Scam”. The body advised elderly consumers against responding to a letter promising “All the Fun of Altamont - In Your Own Home!” The mailshot directs aged victims to call a premium rate phone line in order to set up a date for the gig and select songs for the setlist. It even purports to grant exclusive access “backstage” in their own kitchens in order to “hang out”, snort drugs and copulate with groupies and members of the veteran rock band. blow “I was really quite looking forward to…

A TEAM of Japanese researchers has stunned the international scientific community with the claim that they have discovered a THIRD Chuckle Brother. Presenting the findings at the XVIIth Concordat Internationale du Science, project leader Dr J Shikaro said that after 10 years of research, they were finally able to confirm their discovery. “Scientists have long posited the possibility of a third Chuckle Brother, but until now we have been unable to provide solid proof of his existence,” he told New Scientist. siblings But before everyone buys tickets to the Chuckle Brothers stage show hoping to see three madcap siblings getting into all manner of scrapes, Shikaro advised caution. “This third Chuckle Brother is highly unstable and exists only under lab conditions, and then for just a few millionths…

Dear Justin, I READ in the Bible recently that we are all the Lord’s children. Does this mean that every human being on Earth should send God a card on Father’s Day? And if so, how will He possibly distinguish between the billions of cards He receives from His abstract spiritual offspring and the ones He’ll get from His actual biological kid, Jesus Christ? Barnaby Buddha-Monk, Hull Justin says: The Good Book does indeed state that God is the Father - but it also clearly adds that He is the Son and the Holy Spirit, too. Therefore, since God is both your father AND your son, you should technically be sending each other Father’s Day cards. And omnipotent though He is, God simply does not have the time,…

THERE were angry calls last night for everyone to apologise to everyone else after they said something in a series of tweets and Facebook posts. Everybody was unavailable for comment yesterday, but a spokesman for them said: “Everyone is extremely sorry if anything they have said on social media has caused offence to everyone else.” “It was never everyone’s intention to upset anyone, but with hindsight everybody now realises that what they said was an error of judgement that they now deeply regret,” he continued. “Everyone on social media would now like to put all these unhappy episodes behind them, draw a line under everything and get on with all their lives,” the spokesman added.…

MAMMA MIA! There’s nothing better than sitting in a comfy armchair, listening to your favourite Abba records while enjoying a nice cup of tea. But all too often, that experience is ruined when wet cups leave rings on your best occasional table. But that annoyance is now set to become a thing of the past, thanks to this FREE set of four Abba drinks coasters, yours to cut out and keep. Instructions: Cut out the coasters along the dotted lines and glue them to something circular and about as thick as a drinks coaster eg. A digestive biscuit, Pri ngles tube lid or pre-existing drinks coaster.…

ABBA ARE BACK on tour, this time as holograms, but we’re giving one lucky reader the chance to appear with the real, flesh and blood Swedish supergroup back in their seventies heyday. That’s right, your glam-tastic Viz has teamed up with Agnetha, Bjorn, Benny and Anni-Frid, as well as top particle physicists from the CERN research facility, to whisk the winner of this competition BACK THROUGH TIME to April 6th 1974, where they will join Abba on stage to perform their first and biggest hit, Waterloo , live on the Eurovision Song Contest in front of a TV audience of billions! The winner will be invited to join in on backing vocals and tambourine, wearing…

TIPTON Town Council has given the green light to an ambitious building project that is set to put the West Midlands town on the map … a 14,000-mile-long wall. It is hoped that the massive, 40-foot-high stone structure will attract visitors from as far afield as Wolverhampton, Warley and Tettenhall. Tourist boss Hugo Guthrie told local paper the Tipton and Sandwell Meatus: “The wall will begin at the corner of Victoria Road and Mayfair Gardens, and run roughly north west for roughly 14,000 miles. Just like its famous Chinese counterpart, the Great Wall of Tipton will be visible from the Moon. It’s something that will put the town firmly on the map and give all Tiptonians something to be proud of,” he continued. “Once it is…

a hot water bottle and a bottle of Bovril phr. onomat. The sound made by a substantial sub-aquatic bottom burp. Also known, variously, as a blooper, tottle, Edward Woodward, bottle of olives, or Bill Oddie. alehouse whisper n. An attmpted sotto voce utterance rendered molto fortissimo by booze. ‘Fuck me Dave, I’d love to shag big Eric’s missus.’ ‘Keep it down a bit, Paul. You’ve got a touch of the alehouse whisper there, and Eric’s coming over.’ amuse douche n. Fr. Wetting oneself with laughter. arse memories n. Turds. ‘Fucking Nora. I just trod in one of next door’s cat’s arse memories again, June.’ barmageddon n. The least genteel drinking establishment in a charmingly earthy estate or town; typically a flat-roofed pub. A hostilery where…