Innholdsfortegnelse for April 2018 i Viz

• THE other night I dreamt that I was looking for a Micro USB cable to charge a tin of beans with. I’d like to read Sigmund Floyd’s analysis of that one. Frankie Mince, Cardiff • IF YOU try to torrent ten TV series at once, it takes forever. But if you stagger them one by one, you can blitz through it. Perhaps we should do that with research for diseases and get every scientist working on the same one, one at a time, until they’re all cured. It’s worth a try. Stan Cross, London • A WHILE ago I saw a grey squirrel, an invasive species, eating a native British wood pigeon. I think we need to take back control and sort out a points-based immigration system for woodland…

WE ALL love April Fools’ Day, and celebrities with the word ‘Day’ in their surname are no different. In fact, if anything, they probably love it more than the rest of us. That’s why we rounded up our four favourite A-List Days and asked them to tell us exactly how THEY spend the wackiest 24 hours of the year. DARREN DAY, former serial love rat BACK when I was a serial love rat, I never paid much attention to April Fools’ Day, because I was usually still knackered from Valentine’s. But now that I’ve changed my ways, I’d absolutely love to be on the receiving end of a light-hearted April prank. The problem is, since I appeared on I’m A Celebrity... Get Me Out Of Here! it’s very difficult for…

Ever since man first dreamed of flying, he has also dreamed of filming people having sex while doing it. Here’s a brief history of pornographic manned flight. 1783. Joseph-Michel and Jacques-Étienne Montgolfier make the world’s first ever airborne adult movie. Up, up, and Have it Away is filmed in the gondola of their “globe aerostatique” 2,000 feet above Paris. The plot features a bored Parisienne housewife with big tits who orders a pizza to her hot air balloon, but then finds she hasn’t got enough money to pay the delivery man. 1903. The Wright Brothers film Kitty Hawk Sluts 4 during a 150ft, 11-second hop in their aeroplane The Flyer. While Wilbur pilots the plane, Orville operates the hand-cranked camera, filming two local girls engaged in hot lesbian action on…

Katie Price, Polymathic ex-tit model I think it’s like a magical world all covered in like Swarovski crystals and that and there’s this princess what lives there in a castle made of Swarovski crystals only she’s really sad because there isn’t not no light there because it’s on the dark side of the moon and everythink so while she’s the richest princess in the world because she’s got all them Swarovski crystals she’s always like really sad. David Attenborough, Naturist I have spent my entire career studying all the diverse forms of life on earth, and if there is one thing that I have learned, it is that life can flourish in even the most inhospitable environments. At the bottom of the deepest ocean, at the top of…

ACIAFA/aciafa acronym. Pronounced “aseearfa”; UK Police terminology referring to drivers of certain German automobiles who are noted for their shit-witted roadmanners, viz. Queue-jumping, speeding, tailgating and cutting in at the last minute. A Cunt In A Fucking Audi. and I thought they smelled bad on the outside exclam. Quote from The Empire Strikes Back that can be uttered when having a cheeky sniff of your fish fingers. aswad n. A back beauty. From the fact that a chap might, while giving her one doggiestyle, be minded to sing one of the eponymous reggae-lite group’s hits to himself, viz. “Don’t Turn Around”. beerlimic n. A one-pint wonder. He who drinks rubber beer. blackfish 1. n. A nickname given to killer whales. 2. n. A Guinness shite…

Q: What’s a monkey’s favourite Tim Westwood-fronted car customization TV show? A: Chimp My Ride! T Westwood, Peterborough Q: What do cheeky monkeys get up to? A: J-apes! (Japes.) M McIntyre, Hampstead Q: What’s a Sudoku-loving chimp’s favourite kind of tree? A: A Monkey Puzzle! J Seinfeld, New York Q: What would a New World monkey of the subfamily Cebinae order in Starbucks? A: A capuchin-o! D Letterman, New York Q: Why couldn’t the female baboon put the shelf up properly? A: Because she was using a man-drill! J ‘Nick-Nick’ Davidson, Essex Q: Why couldn’t the female baboon dentist remove the tooth properly? A: Because she was using a man-drill! J ‘Nick-Nick’ Davidson, Essex Q: Why weren’t the female baboon army platoon performing their military training exercises properly? A: Because…

AShropshire man sentenced to 200 hours community service following a spate of underwear thefts says that he is the innocent victim of a miscarriage of justice. Whilst warehouseman Preston Pontesford doesn’t deny that he took over a thousand items of ladies’ underwear from gardens in and around Ludlow, he claims that he was not responsible for his actions. Entering a plea of mitigation, he told magistrates that although he was a respectable law-abiding citizen, a mysterious and sinister change overcame him whenever there was a full Moon. Pontesford, 59, described how, every 28 days • He would crouch over and become hairy • His feet would burst out the end of his shoes • He would go from garden to garden, stealing bras and knickers from washing lines Talking to…

In ONE! Step out in style in astronaut Neil Armstrong’s spacesuit boots, the very ones in which he took that iconic “One small step for man” back in 1969. In TWO! Take a turn for the best with the actual steering wheel off of the Apollo 17 Lunar Rover… the very last vehicle to ever drive on the Moon in 1971. In THREE! Stone the crows! It’s a super half-brick-sized piece of genuine Moon rock collected by Buzz Aldrin from the beach next to the Sea of Tranquility. In FOUR! Be a bright spark with this state-of-the-art piece of electronic circuitry form the Apollo 14 Mission Control computer desk at Cape Carnival. In FIVE! It’s bendy, but it’s not a Bendy Bully. It’s a flexible…

This former Rear of the Year was hoping for a ‘Good Life’ on the proceeds of a violent security van heist which left two guards severely concussed after they were hit in the face with the butt of a shotgun. Springwatch out! There’s a thief about! A ‘wildlife’ behind bars awaits this Bonnie & Clyde-style pair of telly presenters who were recently caught on CCTV, blowing the safe at the Slimbridge branch of the Nat West. Order! Order! Bedfordshire Police would like to ‘Speaker’ to this eminent parliamentarian, who they want to question with regard to the theft of £8 million of gold bullion from a bonded warehouse near Luton Airport. NEXT WEEK: STAR-BUCKS! We team up with a reformed ex-barista to assemble an A-List coffee shop staff.…

1 In the second half of a game, you award a free kick five yards outside the penalty area after an obvious handball for which you caution the offender. The defending team form a four-man wall ten yards away and you whistle to restart the game. However, as the opposing striker steps forward to take the kick, he turns to you and insists that an omniscient supernatural deity created the universe in seven days and that you, as an unbeliever are bound for the flames of hell. What do you do? 2 A keeper brings down a striker in a one-on-one situation without making any attempt to get the ball. You blow your whistle and point straight to the penalty spot, only for the ball to continue rolling…

Greeks go cap-in-hand to EU for help over big cock card shortage TRAVEL AGENTS were warning tourists against travelling to Greece next year, as stocks of playing cards with pictures of big cocks on them have reached an all time low. Since the package holiday boom of the 1970s, no break to Greece has been complete without buying a pack of cards with big cock pictures on them to take back home. But there are fears that the predicted shortage could see that situation change. crisis In an attempt to avert the looming crisis, the Greek tourism ministry has approached the EU hoping for a temporary bailout. And whilst the Berlin delegation are understood to have provisionally agreed to provide them with an emergency stock of playing cards featuring people…

1 The word ‘monkey’ is a composite of the Old Norse term ‘Monn’ (meaning to ‘fling shit’) and the Anglo-Saxon verb ‘Kee’ (meaning to ‘tamper with a car aerial in a safari park’). 2 Many of our favourite pop stars have been influenced by monkeys - whether it’s Oasis funnyman LIAM GALLAGHER swaggering about like a pissed-up chimp, or deceased rocker GG ALLIN hurling his own excrement at the audience. 3 The smallest monkey of all time belonged to the world’s smallest man - CALVIN PHILLIPS. The minuscule macaque - named TINY KONG - was born in Nha Trang, Vietnam, and was roughly the size of a small mouse on its hind legs. Phillips had it shipped to his home in Essex after he became obsessed with the 1978 Clint…

LONDON Underground operators. Trains waste a lot of energy pushing all that air along the tunnel. Save lots of money and provide a refreshing breeze for the passengers by simply removing the front and back windscreens. Cyril Prepuce, Hampton MOTORISTS. Fool others into thinking you have these new auto-dip headlights by always driving around with the lights on full beam, only dipping them when oncoming traffic is less than two metres away. Brompty, Kent INSOMNIAC bestialists. Try not to think about sheep when trying to sleep. David Craik, Hull ALIEN abductees. Feel less frightened and intimidated by your extraterrestrial captors by imagining them naked or sitting on the toilet. Dan Theman, St. Austell DISCOVER which of your group of friends is a completely insufferable moaning cunt by going on a…

Stickman Dover to shoot scud vid on lunar surface PORN VID stalwart Ben Dover has announced an ambitious plan to film a hardcore sex video… on the MOON! The veteran cocksmith, 71, says is already in talks with tech billionaire Elon Musk about booking seats on the next SpaceX rocket for himself, a cameraman and three milfs in their mid-thirties from Nottingham. He told reporters: “The film, provisionally entitled Orbit of the Other, will be all about three space housewives with big tits who live on the Moon. Their sink gets blocked and I play a randy astronaut plumber who they call out to fix it.” “One thing leads to another and the four of us end up…

IT’S a strange and inexplicable fact that the Moon spins on its axis in exactly the same time that it takes to orbit the earth. As a result, we only ever see one side of it - a barren, grey wasteland pockmarked with craters. But what lies on the other side of the Moon that we have never seen, and will never see? What secrets does it hold? One thing is certain, whatever is there is beyond our imaginings. But luckily, it’s not beyond the imaginings of the celebrities. We asked a galaxy of stars to tell us what they thought was on……

U2 front-bellend Bono has volunteered his services as the world’s Goodwill Ambassador to the Moon. Addressing the United Nations, the singer, 57, said he had already saved the earth and he was now willing to do the same for its planetoid satellite. He told delegates: “It is not yet clear what threats the Moon may face in the future. But what is certain is that it is standing on the edge of a precipice and staring into an unknown abyss. ” comet “It may get hit by a comet, maybe it will come under attack from a hostile alien civilisation that is technologically light years ahead of our own, or the threat may even be an environmental one. Perhaps its thin atmosphere will begin to heat…

WE ALL KNOW that the kitchen, with its sharp blades, boiling kettles and bubbling chip-pans, is the most dangerous room in the house. We try to minimise the risk of having an accident by taking simple precautions, for example, never leaving the cooker unattended, not allowing electrical flexes to trail, keeping knives and scissors safely locked away from children. But the terrifying truth is that our kitchens harbour many more threats to our lives... threats that we cannot foresee and can do nothing about. Here are some of the unforeseen dangers that are waiting to kill us each and every time we step into the kitchen, and against which we are powerless to protect ourselves. METEORITE STRIKE: There are literally billions of meteors hurtling round our solar system at any…

THE BRITISH COUNTRYSIDE is a place like no other. Steeped in tradition and governed by the change of the seasons, our gentle, rural way of life has remained virtually unchanged since the days of William the Conqueror. But sadly, that state of affairs is under threat, because the olde worlde pastoral customs that countryfolk love so much are now under threat from “townies”, attracted to the rural idyll of fresh air, open spaces and cute farmyard animals. In they swarm, like diseased rats from their filthy inner-city slums and sink estates. Bringing with them all the accoutrements of modern life… mobile phones, microwave ovens, video cassette recorders and worse. In the same way that the hated grey squirrel squeezed out the indigenous red squirrel from our ancient broadleaved woodlands, so…

WOTCHA! Nightmare flame-haired telly harridan JANET STREET-PORTER here. When I’m not screeching on Have I Got News For You or editing the Independent on Sunday between 1999 and 2002, you can probably find me obsessing about apes. I’m absolutely fascinated by all manner of non-hominoid simians - in fact, you could say that I’m ‘monkey nuts!’ And judging by the size of my Janet Of The Apes postbag, Viz readers are as potty about primates as I am. So let’s stop ‘monkeying’ around, and check out the best letters I’ve received this week. Monkeyest regards, Janet xx AS A life-long ape fan, I find it utterly sickening that every animal species has been granted a unique name for its babies - except monkeys. Baby kangaroos are called joeys, baby…

CAPUCHIN STOCK was raised to Hold from a Sell at $20.25 this morning at opening bell. Robert says: “BUY white-headed capuchins with a stop loss at Rs 211 for target at Rs 201. SELL robust tufted capuchins with a stop loss at Rs 333 for target at Rs 310.” INVESTORS with stakes in larger Old World monkeys, be warned: Baboon stock slumped dramatically yesterday - down 16% against the mandrill – after swollen red arses were hit with industrial strike action. Robert says: “Only gray-footed chacma baboon stocks were still showing growth at closing bell. Buy, buy, buy!” THE MNKE 100 hit a record high last night as marmoset and tamarin stocks soared. Robert says : “My advice is to invest heavily in flat-nosed New…