Innholdsfortegnelse for March 2018 i Viz

• IF YOU look at it from the animal’s perspective, it’s hard to see why David Attenborough is so revered. Imagine if you were having your dinner and some posh bloke let himself into the kitchen and started whispering about you. Or even worse, if you were having a shag and he walked in and started filming you at it. Alright, my mate Dave did do that, but I asked him to because we were doing something for Reader’s Wives, but that isn’t even the point anyway. Bartram Fibreboard, Hull • IF ANYONE knows Steve Pemberton, could they ask him whether or not he was on a flight from Heathrow to Edinburgh just before Christmas? Only there was a bloke in the check-in queue who looked very much like him,…

“I’ve filmed scud flicks with Hollywood’s hottest stars,” says cravat salesman Frank WE all love celebrity sex tapes. Whether we’re sat alone squinting at grainy footage of Rob Lowe’s buttocks or ogling Kim Kardashian’s gyrating breasts on a friend’s laptop, watching shoddily-filmed A-List skin flicks is a raunchy rite of passage for every red blooded male. And there isn’t one among us who hasn’t dreamed of making the transition from viewer to participant by bedding a famous Hollywood star on camera. But for one man, that dream is very much a reality. Chingford bachelor FRANK TESTES has spent the past two decades working as a travelling necktie and cravat salesman in Essex and its surrounding counties. And in that time the randy 64-year-old has filmed himself enjoying FULL SEXUAL INTERCOURSE…

Many people may be quite daunted by the prospect of indulging in BDSM loveplay. But they need not worry, and whilst their are no rules as to what you can and can’t do, Dakota and Jamie have selected a few hints and tips to help you along. Jamie: “Being restrained can be a great turn on for both of you. Fellas, try fastening your missus to the bed using the paper shackles, then drive her wild by tickling her on the wotnot using the paper feather. When you’ve finished, simply swap over.” Dakota: “Men like a strong, dominating woman. So pretend to be a schoolteacher by tying your hair up in a bun and putting on a pair of glasses. Then tell your fella to bend over and smack him…

WHETHER they’re penning satirical 18th Century novels, singing chart-topping pop hits or portraying hen-pecked sitcom husbands, Swifts are rarely out of the headlines. And in pubs, clubs, offices and schools from Land’s End to John O’Groats, Brits regularly come to violent blows over which Swift is the best. For some, the only answer is JONATHAN SWIFT , the long-dead Anglo-Irish essayist, whose scalpel-sharp wit still resounds nearly three centuries after his passing. Others, though, would champion TAYLOR SWIFT , the billionaire US pop princess whose toetappin’ country hits regularly top the Billboard charts. Whilst others still would aggressively insist that the swellest Swift of all is CLIVE SWIFT , who played long-suffering husband Richard Bucket in the long-running BBC sitcom…

alcorithms n. Little understood process by which pints of beer mysteriously affect the male metabolism. ‘Sorry I didn’t get home last night, my darling, but me alcorithms was on the blink.’ alehouse cock n. medic. Brewer’s droop, a tragic affliction which makes the erotic act of congress feel like stuffing a marshmallow in a piggy bank. all-seeing eye, the n. As featured on American dollar bills, a triangular symbol of divine providence or the shape-shifting Illuminati lizards of the New World Order. ‘I was hoping for a shot on the missus’s all-seeing eye for me birthday, but it turns out I’m in the dog house again.’ arse scratcher n. A treacle tart so powerfully emitted and mysteriously abrasive that it soothingly abrades one’s itchy nipsy on…

PRETEND you’re an American Football player by doing a wee dance every time you walk 5 yards without falling over. Gary Ireland, Tauranga COMMUTERS. Save valuable time by working from home and simply making the 46-mile round trip to buy your sandwiches from the vending machine at work in the middle of the night when the roads are practically empty. Jane Hoole Garner, St Ives NEXT time you wash your hands, pretend you’re a famous tennis player by throwing the towel behind you without looking, and expecting a child to catch it and take it away. Chris Stack, Gembrook FOR a breakfast time treat, put tiny bits of bacon and fried egg into your cornflakes bowl to create a Full English Breakfast Cereal. Oh, and don’t forget the black pudding.…

ACADEMICS are being forced to reexamine historical documents after a North Shields woman cast doubt on conventional thinking about a 19th Century royal marriage. Historians have long believed that King William IV’s wife, Adelaide of Saxe-Meiningen, remained faithful to her husband despite rumours that she conducted an affair with her Lord Chamberlain in the 1830s. Documents show that the consort queen was extremely close to Richard Curzon-Howe, but the rumours of a fling, which led to his dismissal from the post, have long been understood to have been politically motivated. However, after reading an historical fiction novel, 45-year-old Janice Bunions has cast doubt on the theory. “I think she had an affair with him,” she told The Journal of Contemporary History. “I’ve just finished reading Victoria in the Wings by…

SCIENTISTS at the University of Glamorgan have sparked excitement among glam-rock fans after announcing ambitious plans to clone late pop icon Marc Bolan , who has been extinct since 1977. Boffins say they have extracted intact DNA from a pair of the singer’s flared loon pants found on an internet auction site. This genetic material will be introduced into a chicken egg, which they hope will hatch into the first living Marc Bolan to be seen on the planet for more than forty years. “It’s a really thrilling project for everyone here at Glamorgan,” said Professor Tibor Szackacs, head of the Welsh University’s Life Sciences department. “Most people only know T-Rex from the television or pictures in books, so they don’t realise quite how big they were…

JONATHAN HERE IN 21st Century Britain, anti-establishment free-thinkers such as James O’Brien, Suzanne Moore and Jeremy Clarkson can crack their boundary-pushing barbs without fear of reprisal. But back in the 1700s, things were a little different. In fact, so shocking were satirist Jonathan’s frequent attacks on church and state that he was forced to avoid retaliation by penning them under a variety of noms de plume, including Lemuel Gulliver, Isaac Bickerstaff and MB Drapier. It’s a solid opening round for the Dublin-born polynomous coward. 6 IN HIS long and glittering career as an author, Jonathan Swift dabbled in everything from novels and poetry to essays and satire. And if that wasn’t enough, he even trained as a church Dean, delivering lengthy self-penned sermons to his congregation. However, after his death…

U.S. record-producing rapper Snoop Dogg has shocked his fans by announcing that he will be stepping down from keeping it real with immediate effect - ending an almost 30-year association with the streets. Dogg, real name Reg Flatley, has consistently kept it real since releasing his debut album Doggystyle in 1993, but now feels that it’s time to wind down his duties. cheese “I was in a supermarket with my wife the other week, when I noticed that I’d briefly switched off from keeping it real, and it felt great,” he told the Washington Post. “I’d put my readers on to compare the unit price of cheese and I felt an overwhelming sense of relief that I no longer had to maintain a facade of braggadocio,”…

Dear Justin, I NIPPED out to buy a big box of Ferrero Rochers for my husband, Dennis for Valentine’s Day. Unfortunately, when I returned home, I found that he had dropped dead of a heart attack. You can imagine my devastation, as I’m not keen on Ferrero Rochers as the nuts give me loose foulage, and I couldn’t take them back as I didn’t get a receipt. I was wondering, if I put them in Dennis’ coffin, will they make it through to the afterlife with him, or will they be confiscated during some kind of ethereal security check? Ada Callous, Doncaster Justin says: “The chocolates will certainly make it through to the afterlife, Mrs Callous, but I’m afraid that your late husband won’t get the chance to…

THE bunting was out in a Chorley nursing home yesterday as Britain’s oldest man celebrated his THIRTY SEVEN THOUSANDth birthday. Albert Olton, who was born in Buckshaw in 34,982 BC, has spent practically all of his life in the small Lancashire village. And he took the milestone of beginning his 38th millennium in his stride, telling reporters he still felt ‘fit as a fiddle.’ Although Albert’s birth pre-dates agriculture, the domestication of animals and all but the most rudimentary forms of civilisation, he remains full of life and only entered the Quiet Sands nursing home at the age of 36,999 after suffering a fall last winter. “I’m still in pretty good health,” Albert told his local paper the Chorley Prepuce. “I get the odd twinge off an arrow wound I…