Innholdsfortegnelse for February 2018 i Viz

• IMAGINE if dogs had hands, what sort of mischief would they get up to? It doesn’t bear thinking about. Neil Mainey, Ross on Wye • WHILST shopping in Norway recently, I discovered that in the towns they charge you 10Kr to use the loo. That’s about a quid. A quid! Surely that has to be the most expensive shit in Europe? If any readers know of more expensive places than Norway to leave a stool I would love to know. Andrew Ward, Blyth • IT’S a frightening fact that 99% of dictators and warmongers, from Vlad the impaler and Margaret Thatcher to Hitler, Tony Blair and all American presidents, have HAIR. The list is endless. And current day leaders Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un carry on the hairy…

EVERYONE agrees that the romance between the dashing prince and the glamorous American starlet is like a fairytale come true. But according to one of the royal bride-to-be’s former classmates, the 36-year-old Suits actress’s whole life has been a fairytale. Now, in a hastily written biography, Humberside-based PAIGE MUNCHAUSEN has lifted the lid on Markle’s remarkable life story, a story that has finally culminated in a proposal of marriage from a real life Prince Charming. “I knew we were friends the first time we met on our first day at Kindergarten,” recalls Munchausen, 58. “The teacher asked everyone in the class to draw a picture of their house. I drew a picture of the trailer where I lived, whilst Meghan’s picture was of a gingerbread cottage…

OVER the years, I must of introduced thousands of my very famous friends to other very famous friends of mine, who they’ve then gone on to marry. Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas. Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor. All these and countless more couples of glittering stars have Yours Truly to thank for getting them together, and for which they will be eternally grateful to me for. But now I can add blue-blooded royalty to the rollcall of my matchmaking hall of fame, which already reads like a Who’s Who of showbiz’s A-est Listers. For I can now reveal that it was me, Pierce Dorgan, what brought Prince Harry and his bride-to-be Meghan Markle together. It was July 2016. I was having a quiet…

THE STAG NIGHT is as quintessentially British as St Paul’s Cathedral, the Changing of the Guard, and Brexit. It’s the jolly rite of passage that every young man must undergo as he prepares to leave behind his carefree, irresponsible bachelorhood and embark upon endless decades of marital bliss with the same, ageing woman. Over the centuries, this institution has progressed from a simple night at the local inn with a few close pals to a complex ordeal involving a series of spiteful, booze-fuelled revelries that often ends with the groom-to-be chained naked to a park bench in Dundee or laid up with liver failure in a foreign hospital on the morning of his wedding. Today’s stag is unrecognisable from its humble antecedent, and there is no reason to expect that…

PRETEND to be in a episode of Porridge by wandering around the house with a toilet roll under you arm and telling members of your family to ‘Naff off!’ Mark Newman, Cheadle Hulme CHECK that there are exactly 50 metres of Sellotape on the roll by carefully unwinding it alongside an Olympic-sized swimming pool. If it has been correctly dispensed at the factory the tape will sit flush against either end. Matt Ward, Leeds DON’T waste money on an expensive leaf blower. Simply use a broom and brush the leaves from outside your house onto your neighbours’ property while asking a friend to rev a motorbike. Stephen Lewis, Manchester OVERCOME shame at your own lack of physical activity when seeing a jogger by imagining that they are a heroin addict…

DESPITE the squeaky clean image that royal fiancee Meghan Markle has been so keen to promote, a West Yorkshire driving instructor says he has cast iron proof that she once starred in a hardcore pornographic movie. And now 58-year-old CLIFTON RADFORD is involved in a race against time to produce the evidence that he claims will prevent Harry from making the biggest mistake of his life. Radford, who has a collection of more than 10,000 erotic videos and DVDs stored in the attic of his Shipley home, told us: “If they get married and then this explicit footage comes to light, God knows what damage could be done to the British monarchy.” “This bongo flick will lead to the biggest constitutional crisis this country has ever faced.” “When Harry and…

ACCORDING to Buckingham Palace, PRINCE EDWARD is to mastermind live TV coverage of the wedding ceremony. And he plans to keep viewers entertained during the lengthy service in St George’s Chapel, Windsor, by bringing his hugely successful It’s a Royal Knockout format out of retirement. “Producing the original top-rated show took its toll on the Prince, and he decided to take a short thirty year break in order to recharge his batteries,” said a Palace spokesman. “But he’s now ready to start working on a load of great new ideas to incorporate in the broadcast of Harry and Meghan’s wedding.” shake Edward told TV Quick magazine: “Royal occasions, such as weddings, christenings and state funerals, can be such stuffy, po-faced affairs. I really want to shake…

Celebrity air steward reveals his A-List encounters at 35,000 feet! IF you passed 63-year-old SELWYN GASFORTH in the street, you probably wouldn’t give him a second glance. You’d certainly never suspect that the unassuming, bespectacled father-of-nine had spent the last ten years getting up close and personal with Hollywood’s most famous celebs. But, incredible as it seems– he has! For Kettering-born Selwyn has spent the past decade criss-crossing the globe as a flight attendant for a well-known budget airline – who he prefers not to name as he is currently pursuing them through the courts following his recent summary dismissal. During his time on the job, the thrice-divorced bachelor regularly found himself face to face with the cream of the glamorous Tinseltown jet set.…

JOKE SHOP FLIES are big business. It is estimated that more than 95% of the global population regularly put joke shop flies on their friends’ food for a laugh. The international joke shop fly market is worth more than $2 trillion a year, and is a vital cog in the world’s economic engine. Let’s spend a day with the boss of a joke shop fly manufacturing corporation to get the lowdown on this amazing multi-billion dollar business. AS Bateman enters his office suite on the 88th floor, his secretary brings him up to speed on the day’s scheduled appointments and meetings. But before he does anything, he checks his company stock on the Asian Markets before they close in order to ward off hostile takeover bids from other joke shop…

EVERYONE who isn’t called Clive has wondered at some point what it would be like to be called Clive, and they’re lying if they say they haven’t. But with so many Clives to choose from, which would YOU pick and why? We rounded up three of our fave celebs who aren’t called Clive and asked them one simple question: if you could spend a whole day as a Clive, which Clive would you choose? Saddam Hussein, deceased dictator I FAMOUSLY POPPED my clogs back in 2006, when I was hung from the neck until dead. As such, if I could be any Clive For A Day, I’d probably choose CLIVE ANDERSON, for the simple reason that he has no neck. I could then nip back to that fateful day 12…

Welcome to our Nation’s Favourite Family, Ma’am! WHEN I heard the n e w s o f Prince Harry’s engagement to American starlet Meghan Markle, I am not afraid to say that I wept. I wept and I wept. I wept and I wept and I wept. And then I wept some more. But I wasn’t wepping out of sadness. In fact, I was wepping for the opposite of sadness. For those tears that poured down my cheeks like a salty Niagara when I heard the news of Prince Harry’s engagement to American starlet Meghan Markle were tears of joy. Joy that our nation’s Prince Charming had finally found the fairytale princess of his dreams. Joy that the fifth in line to our country’s guilded throne had chosen such a…

A UNITED NATIONS draft resolution on the way toilet rolls should be placed on their holders has been left hanging in the balance after China and Russia used their Security Council membership to block the proposal and delay its final ratification. The groundbreaking resolution would have seen bog rolls hanging in a standardised manner globally, using the American-European ‘over-the-top anticlockwise’ model. This less wasteful proposal has already been ratified in principal by most UN member states except for habitual abstainers North Korea, Venezuela and Wales. final The final vote was scheduled for 2 p.m. EST in New York last Thursday, but tension grew after the Soviet delegation declined to say what its exact position on toilet roll orientation was, saying it wanted more time to study the text of the…