Innholdsfortegnelse for December 2017 - January 2018 i Viz

I’M surprised that pirates of old weren’t arrested and slung in jail much more frequently than they were. Surely, if one of them went into a drapery establishment to ask for a Jolly Roger flag to be made up, the proprietor would have been straight on to the old bill to grass them up the moment they were out of the door. Hubert Grouting, Sheffield IF little Billy from Form 2B had called little Jimmy ‘Rocket Man’ and threatened to destroy his house, and Jimmy had responded by calling him a ‘dotard’ they’d both be in detention and their parents would be called in to discuss their behaviour. But has anyone seen Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un being summoned to the UN headmaster’s office? Of course not! Once again…

“WOMEN OUGHT to take wolf-whistling in the spirit it is intended, as a compliment. If I was walking down the street and a woman shouted at me that I had a magnificent penis and testicles and that she wanted to have sexual intercourse with me, I’d be chuffed to bits. Come on ladies, lighten up.” Hutton Buscel , Ophthalmic Surgeon “I DON’T know what they are complaining about. My missus is a right old boot and she’d give her right arm to be leched at by a load of builders.” Oscar St Bernard, Professor of Moral Philosophy “ANYONE WHO has a daughter knows that wolf-whistling is a horrible, threatening and unpleasant practice. However, both my kids are boys, so I think it’s just a bit of harmless…

Hi. HARRISON FORD here. You’ll know me from being out of Star Wars and Blade Runner, Indiana Jones, landing my plane on the wrong runway or crashing it on a golf course and that. But what you definitely WON’T know about me is that I’m absolutely doo-lally about flies! That’s right, I simply can’t get enough of these faeces-eating winged insects of the order Diptera, and judging by the size of my Ford Of The Flies postbag, neither can you. So, ‘fly’ don’t we stop wasting time and take a look at some of the best letters about flies you’ve sent me this week? WHY on earth are the zips on trousers called flies? They’re nothing like flies. Although, come to think of it, flies do make a sort of…

STOP mice nesting in your house by putting a sign on your door saying ‘No Cheese is Stored in this House Overnight’. Robert Marshall, Reykjavík BOND fans. Recreate the iconic Space Flight Simulator G-force scene from Moonraker by drawing Roger Moore on the back of your hand and slowly moving it up and down a Dyson hand dryer Keith Lorraine, London AMERICAN presidents. If you feel what you are saying may be perceived as not credible, add the phrase “believe me” to the end of the sentence. It works, believe me. Tyle Pauler, Email UNSOCIABLE people. Simply pop your coat on before answering your front door. If it’s someone you don’t want to see, you can say you are on your way out. In the unlikely event it’s someone you…

VETERAN telly fave CHARLES DANCE has shocked fans across the globe today by announcing he is to quit acting at the start of 2018... in order to be raised by wolves. The iconic Game of Thrones star, 71, broke the surprising news at a press conference in central London earlier this morning. “I’ve enjoyed a long and illustrious career on stage and screen,” Dance told reporters. “But I’ve been having a big think lately, and I really feel I’ve taken the whole acting thing as far as it can go.” dream “The time has finally come for me to pursue my true childhood dream - to be nurtured, suckled and reared by a pack of wild canines.” nurse Dance, whose hit films include Last…

Dear AB of C, WHEN good people die, they go to Heaven and get wings. So what happens when good flies die? Do they get an extra pair of wings? Or do they get their wings removed? Or do they get human arms? Which one is it? Or is it something else entirely? Edna Gangbang, Hull The AB of C says: “That’s a very good question, Edna, and one that has occupied many of the finest theological minds over the years, from St Thomas Aquinas to Spinoza and Anne Atkins. As humans, we are rewarded with wings in Heaven because they are the one appendage we all wish we had on Earth. In the same way, flies in Heaven get what they lack on earth … teeth. Consequently,…

anoraksic adj. & n. Descriptive of the malnourished, unhealthy and gaunt demeanour of a young swain who spends a lot of time in his bedroom avoiding fresh air and sunlight, subsisting on a diet of pot noodles, pop tarts and Dairylea Dunkers. belchingbeaver 1. n. An American craft beer brewery located in San Diego. 2. n. A particularly uncouth sea breeze blowing from a bird’s front bottom. bingo bollocks n. The pendulous clockweights of a senior citizen. Also crown green bollocks, low hanging fruit. brewer’s poop n. Morning dump with a good head on it that has the volume, consistency and aroma of the six pints of real ale that was consumed the night before. brogueing n. Looking up a lady’s skirt or Scotsman’s kilt by…

CHRISTMAS is here again, and in workplaces up and down the country that means only one thing: Secret Santa. The fun festive tradition of picking a colleague at random and then anonymously buying them a present has been a part of Yuletide office life for years, and from Land’s End to John O’Groats, we Brits all love it. Well, perhaps not quite all of us. Essex man FRED CLEFT has recently seen his previously rock-solid marriage crumble and his glittering three-week career as a BBC vending machine stockist go up in smoke - and it’s all down to the mean-spirited Secret San-tics of some of TV’s biggest stars! “They say Christmas is the season of goodwill to all men,” chuckles 59-year old Fred, hollowly. “Well, clearly, no one told the…

A WAGES clerk took her new baby into the office yesterday seemingly labouring under the misapprehension that anyone gave a shit. An excited Eleanor Gay appeared in the HR department of Clarke and Moyet Solutions Ltd pushing a pram and carrying an unfathomably huge bag containing ‘baby stuff.’ “My heart sank,” said Ms Gay’s colleague Gabby Washington. “I knew she’d expect me to go and look at the baby and hold it and marvel at the miracle of childbirth but, frankly, I really couldn’t give a fart.” “I’ve got a spreadsheet to do which my boss is expecting before I go home tonight,” she added. worker Fellow office worker Barry Duckworth was equally unmoved by Ms Gay’s offspring. “I looked at her emails with the photos of the baby, I…

THE 1986 horror movie THE FLY - in which Jeff Goldblum turns into a grotesque human-insect hybrid - is perhaps the best-known example of a fly on the big screen. What’s less well known about the film, though, is that Goldblum took an extremely ‘method’ approach to the role, and insisted on living as a fly for six months in the run-up to shooting. Director David Cronenberg recalls: “Jeff took the whole thing very seriously. It was not uncommon for him to spend an entire day walking around on a dogshit or lying on his back on the windowsill, spinning around and waving his legs in the air.” COLIN FIRTH famously bagged the Oscar for Best Actor with his portrayal of stuttering monarch George VI in THE KING’S SPEECH. But…

Dear Prof Fuck, I WONDER if you could furnish me with a profanisism to describe an unsure approach to the porcelain when illness strikes simultaneously at both ends. I personally had such an occurrence on a ferry to Symi in ’94 and lost two stone. I was told my dicky tummy was very common on Greek ferries and usually caused by shitty ice cubes. Matthew Farrall, email • Indeed I can. You experienced what is known as a “Catherine wheel”. In the Viz 239 Profanisaurus Update, published back in the happy, carefree days of September 2014, it is defined as follows: “n. A person afflicted with spectacular food poisoning, who is spinning around not knowing which end to point towards the toilet, in the style of the popular 1970s firework.”…