Innholdsfortegnelse for November 2017 i Viz

• WHY isn’t there a day to commemorate Isaac Newton? If he hadn’t invented gravity, we’d be floating around all over the shop. Andy Mac, Derbyshire •“YOU make my dreams come true,” proclaims the new McDonalds TV advert. This especially struck a chord for me as I regularly dream about passing hard, dry stools and fetid gas. Mike Fordham, Chelmsford • THE other day I threw a stick for my dog in the park. The little bugger then proceeded to chew it to pieces. Talk about ingratitude. Rory Walker, email • MY front door bell is an exact replica of the Big Ben chimes, though not quite as loud, of course. If anyone is missing hearing the Big Ben chimes now they have been silenced for maintenance work, they are…

IT’S CLEAR that with the remaining EU member states lining up foursquare against the UK, the British government’s Article 50 team have got their work cut out to get us the deal we both want and deserve when we leave Europe. And, after promising the country a red, white and blue Brexit, THERESA MAY is understood to be getting increasingly frustrated at the lack of progress in the talks. According to insiders, the Prime Minister is considering bringing an end to the stalemate with a dramatic show of military strength. “The intransigence of the Brussels negotiators will be met with a rain of fire and fury such as the European Union has never seen before,” said a Downing Street source. And as a further round of talks once again broke…

NONE of us will ever forget where we were when we first heard the terrible news that Big Ben was to fall silent until 2021. Some people may have been doing the washing up. Others were perhaps sitting in their vest, watching a low-brow talent show on television while eating a bag of supermarket own-brand crisps. Or maybe they were attempting to patch up an area of rust on their a fourth-hand car, parked on the street outside their home on a rundown sink estate. I was at Rao’s - which is New York’s most exclusive restaurant, according to Vanity Fair. It is such an exclusive restaurant that many of my closest friends including Sir Elton John, Ralph Lauren, Bruce Willis, Winona Ryder, Meryl Streep, Whoopi Goldberg and Christopher Walken,…

ROYAL watchers were left reeling this morning after Buckingham Palace announced that much-loved dirtbox PIPPA MIDDLETON'S ARSE is to retire from public duties with immediate effect. The regal-by-marriage buttocks, 34, reportedly broke the news to Ms Middleton, who is also 34, late last night, saying the stress of six years of public appearances was taking its toll on their health. And with the decision coming just weeks after Prince Philip's official withdrawal from public duty, many monarchy fans are concerned about the risk of a so-called 'domino effect'. At a press conference in Balmoral, Royal spokesman Severus Butterscotch appealed for calm. "We are of course shocked and saddened by Pippa's arse's decision," said Butterscotch. "But we must remind fans of the House of Windsor that Pippa herself will continue to…

POP out all of the dents from your car’s bodywork by closing all of the doors and windows and blowing sharply up the exhaust. Jamie Cuffe, Ashby de la Launde ELDERLY Chinese ladies. Don’t confuse aircraft jet engines with wishing wells. They are not the same thing and work on entirely different principles. F Whittle, Cowley PRETEND you’re a retired school teacher by wearing a tweed blazer and discreetly checking behind buildings to see if anyone’s smoking. Will Mylchreest, Leamington Spa SAVE 5p on a carrier bag by simply sewing a long zip along the bottom of your vest. Then at the supermarket checkout, simply take the vest off, do up the zip and Hey Presto! Your own free carrier ‘Vest Bag’ with shoulder straps for handles. Jon Schottley, Clapton…

YOUNGSTERS love Halloween. Whether they’re donning a ghostly costume to frighten their friends, hollowing out an eerie pumpkin for the garden gate, or holding a torch under their chin to spook the people next door, there’s nothing British kids like better on All Hallows’ Eve than giving their neighbours a good old scare. And fun-loving South Yorkshire lad MICK RATCOCK is no exception. After missing out on several Halloweens during his youth, Mick, 23, has enthusiastically taken up trick-or-treating again, donning fancy dress each October 31st and calling on houses in and around his home town of Rotherham. But since his return from where he has been, he has consistently been dismayed by the mean-spirited response he has received from penny-pinching locals. “When I was a nipper, Halloween was great…

WE ALL REMEMBER where we were when we heard that Kennedy had been shot, that man had landed on the Moon and that Lady Di had carked it. Well, take a good look at what you’re doing NOW, because in future years THAT will be what you were doing when you heard that Viz had released its BIGGEST EVER ANNUAL - The Jester’s Shoes. In the past, we have ripped you off with a series of measly 160-page books. Christmas after Christmas, you have been royally screwed into coughing up your hard-earned cash for annuals that are as thin as a vegan’s dog. Words cannot explain how sorry we are for fucking over our readers in the past. We are truly sorry. You deserved…

THE Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have stirred up a storm of controversy after announcing that their next child - to be born next Spring - will be christened ROLF HARRIS . Prince William revealed the name of the royal baby, fifth in line to the throne, during a recent interview with OK! magazine. “Rolf and Harris are two names that me and Kate have always loved,” William, 34, told the upmarket weekly. “And we are determined not to let some spurious association with a disgraced entertainer stop us from calling our next baby Prince Rolf Harris.” The news met with a mixed reaction from royal watchers. “Quite frankly, I think the decision to name the baby Rolf Harris is a foolhardy one,”…

EXTRICATING the UK from the European Union is proving to be a trickier proposition than was at first hoped. And whilst nobody ever said that untangling this country from 40 years of Brussels red tape would be easy, the intransigent attitude of the 27 member states at the other side of the table is making it much harder than it needs to be. Let’s take a look at the clowns who make up the EU negotiating team. These are the men who are doing everything they can to throw a spiteful spanner in the works to stop us from getting the red, white and blue Brexit for which we all voted on June 23rd 2016. Jean-Claude Juncker Juncker is the Luxembourg loony who the bonkers Brussels bureaucrats have put in…

Parsehole & Dorgan. It’s Britain’s Biggest Bell Ends on the End of Britain’s Biggest Bell WHEN I heard the news that Big Ben’s bongs were to be silenced for four years to allow maintenance work to be carried out, I am not ashamed to say that I cried. I wept, I lachrymated, I boo-hooed, I broke down and I howled. I sobbed and I snivelled I blubbed and I whimpered. It is no exaggeration to say that I whined and I puled. And pule is a proper word meaning cry, and if you don’t believe me just look it up in Roget’s Thesaurus like I did. I cried because, as that magnificent bronze bell tintinabulated for the final time, its sonorous E-natural note dying in the breeze that blew across…

WHEN Stan Gullet walks down the aisle next month, he can be sure his bride-to-be will look as pretty as a picture. That’s because the self-employed handyman from Goole is marrying THE MONA LISA! Stan, 45, fell for the painting, 498, while on a coach trip to Paris earlier this year. “I’d won the tickets in a meat raffle at my local and couldn’t sell them on, so I decided I might as well go” explained Stan. Once in The City Of Light, it didn’t take Stan long to make his way to The Louvre. “It was Saturday afternoon and none of the bars were showing the football, so it was that or sit in McDonalds,” he reminisced. But once inside the world-famous gallery, Stan’s eyes met those…