Innholdsfortegnelse for October 2015 i Viz

•“YOU won’t fool the children of the revolution” sang Marc Bolan in 1972. He should have told that to my uncle Dave, who made a fortune selling oregano to credulous hippies at the Isle of Wight festival. He also claimed to be a guru, and that his cock had mysterious powers when it was sucked off. Shane, Belfast • DOES it seem at all fishy to anyone else that Princess Margaret’s son calls himself David Linley, even though his mum’s surname was Windsor and his dad is the son of the Countess of Rosse, Lord Snowdon, who also used to go by the name Antony Armstrong-Jones? The only other people you see who go around making up loads of different names for themselves like that are on CrimeWatch, and the…

I’LL tell you what, did you know there’s thirty years worth of undigested meat in your guts. Can you believe it? Thirty fucking years worth! Providing you’re over thirty, of course. Mate of mine had that colonic irrigation, and when they looked at what come out, there was a beefburger in there that he’d had when he was five. DIDyou know you can swim through a blue whale’s heart? That’s Gospel! And a blue whale’s tongue is as big as an elephant. Or a car. An elephant or a car. Biggest animal that’s ever lived, your blue whales, fucking massive they are. Bigger than dinosaurs. My brother went swimming with them, in Florida. Cost him a hundred pound for an hour, and if you wanted to take a picture of…

WHEN I joined the NME, I was a hip young gunslinger roaming the punk rock badlands. I was the first person to ever like the Sex Pistols. I was the first person to ever see the Clash in concert. I was the first person to ever buy a Ramones record. Punk accolades don’t come any higher than that. But I would give them all up just to hear Cilla sing just one more time. And I would also give them all up just to see Cecil the Lion’s beautiful mane shimmering in the savannah sun of the Serengeti just one more time. Because when I woke to the news that Cilla Black and Cecil the Lion had been shot with a bow and arrow by a dentist, I am not…

ON MAY 8TH 1945 the people of Britain took to the streets in their millions for Victory in Europe day. After six years of war, Londoners thronged the capital to celebrate the Allies’ triumph over the Nazis, singing, dancing and drinking deep into the night. It was the greatest, most uproarious party anyone had ever seen. Strangers, caught up in the intoxicatingly jubilant atmosphere, hugged and kissed; many went even further. There were tales of couples making love amongst the crowds, abandoning themselves to the excitement of the moment and rutting like animals in the alleyways around the Mall. As is well known, the 18-year-old Princess Elizabeth slipped out of Buckingham Palace to join in the celebrations. Anonymous in her drab Women’s Auxiliary Territorial Service uniform, the future Queen drank…

Viz Comic, PO Box 841 Whitley Bay NE26 9EQ e-mail profanisaurus@viz.co.uk  alkizeimers n. medic. Drink-related forgetfulness. Babel fart n. A stench so strong and foul that it causes onlookers to involuntarily swear in a different language. between cocks euph. Said of a woman who is currently single. bindow n. An open car window that is used as a handy receptacle for refuse. ‘Where should I put all this McDonald’s rubbish, dad?’ ‘Pop it in the bindow, son. Don’t want it messing up the car.’ blower’s buttonhole n. A small, white fascinator left on the lapel following unscheduled or interrupted horatio. ‘I like your blower’s buttonhole, Gillian.’ Bob Dylan’s guitar, fingered more times than sim. Said of a lady with loose morals and even…

Dear Susie, I’VE managed to make two words using all the letters in the word “Tar”. They are “Rat” - a type of big mouse, and “Art” - some pictures. I was just wondering if there are any other words I’ve missed. Frank Sofabound, Afternoon-upon-Couch * Well done Frank. Here in Tar Dictionary Corner, like you we couldn’t do any better than three letters. But we did get two words you missed; “RTA” - which is Police for a car crash, and “Tra” - the first bit of when you sing “Tra-la-la.” See you next time!…

TONIGHT, Matthew, these celebs will be receiving urgent treatment at the nearest eye hospital! That's because they've had industrial coal tar flung in their faces to disguise their identities. But can YOU still recognise them under a thick coating of free carbon resin? Send your answers in to Tar's In Their Eyes, Viz Comic, Po Box 841, Whitley Bay, NE26 9EQ, and you could win a year's supply of coal, pine or petroleum tar for you and three friends! OH-OH! Looks like there’s been a massive “wiki-leak” of hot tar into this vaguely-creepy, fugitive whistleblower’s eyes. Let’s hope they keep a stock of white spirit and swarfega at the Ecuadorian Embassy! TAR DATE 21.50.33, and this space captain’s five-year mission to to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new…

Fancy a career in standing?  romford College of Life is now offering a new course in dressing like a statue, standing in a town centre and only moving when someone puts more than a pound in your pot. The course is aimed at people who wish to start a new career, or change their existing job. No experience is required as full training will be given. Tin foil, spray paint and a soap box will also be supplied. Candidates will learn to: -Stand still for long periods -Refuse photographs for free -Avoid benefit officers -Pretend to lean on something -Mutter silently -Avoid licence officers and police -Make children cry (level 2 C&G) -Not fall over much when prodded. This course is mainly aimed at the following type of person, although…

ASKING next door’s kids to stop kicking their football against your car is a great way of getting all the windows put through by their vermin father. T Parry, Swansea SAVE trench-digging archaeologists of the future time, effort and money by taking all your broken household objects to a museum now instead of chucking them in the bin. Alwyne Kennedy, London PREVENT bumble bees from drowning in your garden pond by using fruit polos as lifebuoys. Once the bees have used them to swim to shore they can enjoy a sugary treat to restore their energy. Nickers, Batley CENTENARIANS. When asked by local news reporters the secret of your longevity, reply “A wank and a four-pack of Special Brew a day.” That’ll teach the unimaginative hacks a lesson. Mike Tatham,…

Dear Professor Fuck, I WOULD like to inquire whether you have a term for the following situation. Whilst attending a conference with an Australian colleague (for the sake of anonymity and in order to save his blushes I’ll call him Leon Bell), we simultaneously found ourselves suffering from the shit sweats, brought on by a surfeit of beer and street food the previous evening. Unfortunately the conference venue was somewhat lacking in facilities, that is to say there was just a single stall available in the men’s bogs. My anonymous co-conferencee dashed in first, leaving me shaking and perspiring whilst I engaged in conversation with my fellow delegates in the hallway outside, all the while keeping my arse pressed firmly against the wall to prevent an impromptu evacuation whilst still…

IMAGINE being able to recount exactly what happened on ANY given day in history! It sounds impossible, but a retired town-gas worker from Yorkshire has discovered a unique mind trick that allows him to remember what he was doing on some of the biggest days in world history... by linking them to his failure to get a blow job. During his long life, Keighley-born Bert Haddock, 97, has witnessed the key historical events of the the 20th century. From man landing on the moon to the fall of the Berlin Wall and 9/11, he has lived through a turbulent century of world-changing news. But for him, every momentous date in history is tinged with sadness, as it has always scuppered his plans to experience the unworldy pleasure of…

‘‘ Peace ‘n’ love, Viz readers, peace ‘n’ love, it’s Ringo here. Now you probably know me best for playing drums in The Beatles, narrating Thomas the Tank Engine and telling my fans to go fuck themselves on YouTube. But what you almost certainly DON’T know about me is that I’m an absolute sod for tar! I simply cannot get enough of this viscous black mixture of hydrocarbons and free carbon, and judging by the size of my postbag, neither can you lot! So, ‘tar’ very much for all the letters - and let’s have a look at the best ones! Peace ‘n’ love, peace ‘n’ love, DURING the war, with rationing in full effect, tar was very difficult to get hold of. As such, if we wanted some, we…

CAULIFLOWER heads resting on the surface of glass-topped coffee tables make excellent billowy clouds for earwigs passing beneath. Nicola Hamilton, Uxbridge ROMANTIC comedy filmmakers. Save budget on rain machines for your touching movie climax by filming it in Scotland. Any fucking day is fine. Peapod Manure, Glasgow COOKING burgers? Don’t waste money on expensive frying pans. Simply fill the water nozzle on your clothes iron with cooking oil, set the dial to linen and iron the burger for 2 minutes on each side. Yabba, Streatham DRIVE your car around on the back of a vehicle transporter. That way, even if you get a parking ticket, at least you will be only paying once and dodging the penalty on the actual car. Hey presto, a two for one deal courtesy of…

COSPLAY - the craze for dressing up as favourite characters from fantasy fiction - is the latest import from the States. Fans of cult shows and movies such as Star Trek, Game of Thrones, Dr Who and Star Wars love nothing more than donning the costumes of their TV and movie heroes to attend conventions and meetings. Sci-fi and fantasy buffs spend countless hours lovingly crafting their outfits, making sure they are exactly as they appeared on screen down to the tiniest detail. BUT one West Midlands couple have taken their shared passion for cosplaying a step further ... up the stairs and into the bedroom! And amazingly, after four decades of marriage it has boosted Howard and Gloria Sheldon’s sex life to warp speed. “Me and the missus were…

A BARBER cut a man’s hair, quickly and efficiently without rattling on inanely about whatever half-baked ideas popped into his head, it was reported, yesterday. “It was really nice,” said Jeremy Bottoms, the customer who visited the shop in Plywood Lane, Leicester. “I just sat down in the chair, told him what I wanted and spent ten minutes listening to the radio while he cut my hair.” “Ken Bruce was on doing Popmaster and I got six.” However, the news has been greeted with dismay amongst other barbers. One told us: “It’s a disgrace. As a barber, the actual process of cutting hair is incidental to me.” PRIMARY “My primary job is to give my opinion on football, hangovers nowadays, the Labour leadership election, bloody kids, how I’d launch the…

FORMER TV presenter ESTHER RANTZEN fought back the tears last night as she revealed the secret sadness that has dogged her for decades. Speaking to Bellend magazine, the That’s Life host spoke of how she felt guilty after being unable to save King Harold from being shot in the eye with an arrow at the Battle of Hastings. “I KNOW IT’S STUPID, AND IT ALL TOOK PLACE NINE HUNDRED YEARS BEFORE I WAS BORN, BUT I CAN’T HELP FEELING THAT IF I COULD ONLY HAVE BEEN THERE AT HAROLD’S SIDE ON THE BATTLEfiELD, I COULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING,” SHE TOLD THE MAGAZINE. “I COULD HAVE WARNED HIM OR PUSHED HIM OUT OF THE WAY OF THE ARROW.” SOMETHING…

IS THERE anybody famous called Tar? Arnold Berrybowl, Frampton •  Boyd writes: Yes there is. American actor JUSTIN TAR starred as Foley in one episode of Hawaii 5-0 in 1977. APART FROM Justin Tar, who appeared in one episode of Hawaii 5-0, is there anyone else famous called Tar? Ada Berrybowl, Frampton •  Boyd writes: Yes there is. British actor RON TARR starred as Walford Market regular ‘Big Ron’ in EastEnders, ‘Club doorman’ in Big Deal and ‘Bearded audience member (uncredited)’ in Carry On Girls. APART FROM Justin Tar and Ron Tarr, are there any other famous people called Tar? Nan Berrybowl, Frampton •  Boyd writes: No Would you like to ask Boyd Pointless if there are any famous people called Tar? Write in to Viz Search for a Tar…

I RECENTLY bought a packet of High Tar cigarettes, but when I got them home there was no tar in them at all, just some chopped-up dried leaves and a little bit of foam at one end. Am I being ripped off? Bridget Turtle, Ipswich • We got in touch with the Imperial Tobacco Corporation, who told us that most doctors smoke and there is no evidence to suggest that smoking is harmful to health. In fact, many scientific studies have shown that smoking 60 cigarettes a day opens your tubes, reduces conditions such as asthma, emphysema and heart disease, and can actually prolong your life. The spokesman told us that his grandfather had smoked 80 Imperial Tobacco Corporation cigarettes a day from the age of twelve and had been run…

Dear Captain Verimuch, What was the Plimsoll Line on a ship called before they invented plimsolls? Sir Francis Chichester, Watery-Grave • When the black, elasticated slip-on games pumps were invented by Woolworths in 1970, the name was adopted by HM Navy to refer to a reference mark painted on the side of a ship to show where the water comes up to. You won’t be surprised to hear that before that, it was simply referred to as “the Line.” Dear Captain Verimuch, Sailors often talk about the “port” and “starboard” side of their ships instead of “left” and “right”. I can never remember which one is which. Is there an easy way to distinguish between the two? Dame Ellen Macarthur, Portsmouth • Yes, there’s a simple rhyme that all new recruits are…