Innholdsfortegnelse for September 2015 i Viz

• EVERYONE’S always going on about it being dangerous to feed bread to ducks because it’s bad for their digestive system or something. Well I’m 32 and I fed bread to ducks hundreds of times as a child, and as far as I know they’re all still alive. Swadlincote McBain, e-mail • IF the speed of light, c, is a constant, what’s the point of squaring it in E=mc2 ? It’s not going to be any quicker. I think Einstein must have been on drugs or something. J Thorn, Hexham • IF I had a time machine, I’d use it to go back to 1970 when bread was just 12p a loaf, which would be a massive saving on my weekly shopping bill. However, I’m not sure if when I…

The popular small screen horticulturist was spotted in New York’s Little Italy neighbourhood last night, meeting with high-level mob bosses from across the city’s five boroughs. DELIGHTED A spokesman for the Cosa Nostra said: “We are delighted to have Monty on board. While his primary role within the Mafia will be Monty: Gardening advice you cannot refuse tending to our members’ gardens, we also plan to get him chipping in on the drug running and contract killing fronts, too.” “Let’s just hope the green-fingered star doesn’t get caught red-handed, ” the spokesman quipped.…

According to Prepuce, work on the record was repeatedly held up when Hill • Continually talked whilst the other band members tried to play a song • Snapped Frank Beard’s drumsticks for a joke • Chewed up blotting paper and used a ruler to flick it onto a sound engineer’s back The final straw came when Hill let off a stink bomb whilst vocalist Billy Gibbons was trying to record a song. ANTICS Earlier, album producer Tony Visconti had been so annoyed by Hill’s antics that he had sent him to see the studio head, who warned the veteran bluesman to “pull his socks up” and “set a better example” to the other members of ZZ Top. However, his behaviour didn’t improve and Prepuce was left with no option but…

TV gardener MONTY DON has shocked his legion of fans by bedding more than a thousand Spanish women! The popular small screen horticulturist has spent the last two months stalking all corners of the Iberian Peninsula, seducing females whilst wearing a big cape and a floppy hat. CURLY One eyewitness claimed: “Monty’s curly locks and kindly, crumpled smile have won the hearts - and fannies - of the most beautiful women in Spain.” LIBERTINE “The British public see him merely as a good-natured plant expert, but in reality he is a cunning and sexually avaricious libertine who is said to be in league with the Devil himself.” “If you thought Monty only ‘sowed his seed’ in flowerbeds, you were bang wrong,” the eyewitness quipped.…

THE first member of the Kent family to feature in the current line of succession is the Duke of Kent, who charts at number 34 in the Succession Line Top Forty. For him to take the throne, the current monarch and the thirty-three people next in line would all have to perish. The nightmare scenario of thirty-four much-loved royals popping their clogs simultaneously is a horrifying prospect that none of us wish to contemplate. But just for fun, we’ve asked former Casualty actor Clive Mantle to use his knowledge of Accident and Emergency situations to come up with his Top 5 Royal Wipeouts that could could see a Kent take the throne. “If there is one thing that all my years playing A&E consultant Dr Mike Barrett in Casualty taught…

A GOVERNMENT white paper was tabled last night to introduce a controversial change to the 1772 Marriages Act. As the law stands at present, only the first six in line of succession need to secure the monarch’s permission to get married. However, if the new amendment is passed, it would mean that the top seven would be required to seek her majesty’s approval. The hurried change to the constitution has been brought about after the seventh in line to the throne, Princess Beatrice, announced that she had got engaged to a Hell’s Angel called Dirtyarse. The 24-stone biker, who was brought up in Derbyshire, met the Princess at a Motorhead concert when a bottle of urine he had thrown at the stage struck her friend the Hon. Tara von Straubenzee…

Viz Comic, PO Box 841 Whitley Bay NE26 9EQ e-mail profanisaurus@viz.co.uk  active pork assist n. Derived from the similarly-named car technology, a skilful hand that gently manages to guide a chap’s ragtop into the smallest space without bumping the kerb. adidas shit n. A satisfying dump that leaves three stripes at the bottom of the pan, as opposed to a single swoosh, after flushing. all tit adj. Descriptive of a smaller female who is somewhat over-qualified. arse banter n. Generic term for the cheeky conversational repartee that eminates from the nipsy. ‘Don’t take offence, your holiness. That’s just a bit of arse banter.’ AWOL/awol 1. acronym. milit. Absent Without Official Leave. 2. acronym. Females who are disposed, when particularly emotional or suitably drunk on Prosecco, to disappear…

‘‘ HI READERS, THE LATE Ena Sharples AND Ade Edmondson HERE. WHEN WE’RE NOT BUSY, RESPECTIVELY, BEING DEAD FOR THE LAST 32 YEARS OR APPEARING ON GENTLE, LOW-BUDGET UK TRAVELOGUE SHOWS, WE’RE BOTH MAD ABOUT CITRUS FRUITS. ORANGES, LEMONS, GRAPEFRUITS OR LIMES... WE JUST CAN’T GET ENOUGH OF THEM! AND JUDGING FROM OUR bulging Orange-Ena and Lemon-Ade postbag , Viz READERS ARE JUST AS POTTY ABOUT THESE PEELABLY PITH-AND-PIP-PACKED PERISHABLES AS WE ARE. SO MUCH SO THAT YOU’VE BEEN WRITING TO US IN YOUR MILLIONS AND BILLIONS. HERE’S A HAND-PICKED FRUITBOWL OF THE JUICIEST LETTERS WE’VE RECEIVED THIS WEEK, WHICH WE’VE LEFT ON THE SIDE TO GO GREY AND MOULDY.” Ena and Ade IN THESE…

WHEN my grandfather died, he left me two tangerines that he’d been given as a boy. They’ve been in the family for more than a hundred years and they look like a couple of mouldy pebbles. I was just wondering if you could tell me something about them. Marjorie Spoons • Well, what a treat to see such a shrivelled pair of old oranges. Thank-you for bringing them in to show me. But I have a little surprise for you. These aren’t actually tangerines - they’re satsumas and they were imported in large numbers from Japan towards the end of the Victorian era. Most of them were eaten, of course, so very few of them survive, even fewer in a matching pair like this. Unfortunately, one has suffered a little bit…

Orange Lover @Orangelover68 Wots the diffrence between tangerines an satsumas? Just askin!!!! #Tangerines #Satsumas Big Mandarin @Mandarinontheweb you stupid fat fuck @Orangelover68 there completly difrerent.satsumas is oranjes an tanerines is clemntines go stick a kitchn nife up ur arse u fuckin shit thick cuntbuble #Tangerines #Satsumas George the Peel @George_the_Peel Nice one @Mandarinontheweb He wo’nt no were his arsehloe is!!! i’ll do it for him then ill use the nife wiv shit n blud on it to cut his fuckin face of! #Cut_his_fuckin_face_off SegmentBoy @CitrusSegments Yeh then hel’l go an die under a tree with no face an a nife up is arse haha #nifeuphisarse Rev J Foucault @RevJFoucault @CitrusSegments id like to see that pic hahahahahahahaha #StMartins #Truro Orange Lover @Orangelover68 C’mon guys. No need for all this. I…

BOURNEMOUTH pensioner Derek Philpott yesterday became the latest in a long line of authors to be REFUSED a free plug of their book in the pages of Viz Comic. Philpott, 72, author of Dear Mr. Kershaw, A Pensioner Writes, a collection of humorous letters to pop stars along with their genuine tongue-in-cheek replies, was hoping that a tenuous link with the comic would qualify him for a free advert. WINDOWS “My friend at the bowls club has a nephew who does the windows at the Viz office,” said Philpott, 86. “He said he’d sort out a free mention for my book.” However, Viz editor Hampton Doubleday poured cold water on Derek’s hopes. “When will people realise there are no free plugs in Viz Comic?”…

AVOCADO-loving golf enthusiasts. An avocado with the stone removed makes an ideal holder for your favourite golf ball, whilst also doubling up as a delicious mid-round snack. Peter Cassidy, Newcastle SANITARY towels make ideal stick-on sideburns for albino Elvis impersonators in a rush. Jamie Cuffe, Isle of Man EXPERIENCE the thrill of being in the Gendarmerie by simply watching a criminal act take place whilst drinking a glass of red wine and eating some cheese. Iain Devenney, Oxford SAVE money on free-range eggs by buying normal eggs and letting them out when you get home. Simon Perry, Leicester 2-CAR family and want to cut down on your fuel bills? Simply use one of your cars to tow the other one around everywhere. When it runs out of fuel, just tow…

...Made to stand in the corner? ...Given the BIG slipper? ...Had to sit in silence for hours? ...Bent over for the cane? ...Punished with lines? ...Rulered on the hand? ...Forced to wear dunce’s hat? ...Twisted on the ear? DON’T DELAY! CLAIM NOW! Mrs. B of Essex got back £5400 from Miss Timmins after she shouted at her for disrupting a boring double chemistry on a Friday afternoon in 1973 by leaving the bunsen burners on ...and had her sentenced to 4 weeks in prison!…

IT ’s everybody’s worst nightmare. You’re at a Buckingham Palace garden party, attending a Variety Performance, or in the Royal Enclosure at Ascot. Suddenly, you are approached and engaged in conversation with a Kent. But which one? Is it the one who likes scouting, the one who shoots, or the one who was once in the GB bobsleigh team? If it’s a woman, is it the one who loves tennis, the one who takes an interest in fashion, or the one who’s dad was a bit of a nazi? It’s so easy to get confused and make a faux pas. But not any longer. These handy cut out ’n’ keep wallet-sized fact cards help you keep all your Kent data organised and at your fingertips. Simply slip them out, identify…

PRINCESS BEATRICE’S latest suitor Dirtyarse is a new name in the royal gossip columns. So who is he and what do we know about this 6’8” Hell’s Angel? The 47-year-old quarry labourer has served several stints in prison for a range of offences including aggravated assault on members of a rival motorcycling gang, arson and organising dogfights. In Who’s Who, he lists his hobbies as fighting, riding motorcycles, playing pool and drinking tinned lager. He is a member of several clubs, including the Motorhead Fan Club and the Devil’s Spunk Chapter of the Derbyshire Hell’s Angels. Dirtyarse has previously been romantically linked to Big Janice, a barmaid at the World’s End pub in Matlock, Elvira, an erotic snake dancer and glamour model from Matlock in Derbyshire, and the Hon. Tara…

TV GARDENER MONTY DON has shocked his legion of fans by arranging and overseeing a series of illegal bare-knuckle boxing matches! The popular small screen horticulturist organises a bi-monthly back street ‘fight club’, which takes place in various subterranean car parks across the UK. One competitor claimed: “Monty usually arrives at the events straight from the set of Gardeners’ World. He changes out of his soil-specked overalls into a shiny black tuxedo and gels his hair up so it looks like he’s had an electric shock. Then he announces each fighter using a microphone sellotaped to the ceiling, and watches gleefully as they proceed to pummel each other into the concrete.” “Monty especially loves to see a haymaker - and I’m not talking about…

Dear Professor Fuck, barse WHEN pubes walking can , become one’s tangled and twisted, pinching and causing irritation. The problem is exacerbated by the fact that relieving such an occurrence requires deep and very suspicious-looking digging, a definite no-no in public. Is there a proper name for this itchy phenomenon? Prince Asbo, e-mail • Indeed there is, as a close perusal of the two current volumes of the Viz Roger’s Profanisaurus - Das Krapital (2010) and Hail Sweary (2013) - reveals. The affliction you describe is therein defined variously as: aris tweed, glarse fibre, jerry in the trench, arse wasps, wire spider, shititch, a tooth coming through, sweetcorn itch, pinecone and itchypoo park. And on page 451 of Das Krapital is to be found the following entry: “rhino horn n. A…

RUN out of lemon twists to put in your gin & tonic? Simply drop a slice of lime into a glass of bleach and leave it till it fades to the correct colour. Edna Wingnut, Tring PRETEND to be a giant having a hotel breakfast by cutting a kumquat in half, popping a cranberry on the top and eating it with a mustard spoon. Frank Foresoreskin, Hull TWO skins from grapefruit halves dried for 5 hours in the oven make excellent substitute coconut shells for when you haven’t got a coconut but want to make the sound of a horse. Hamilton Biscoff, Tooting COLOUR-blind people, distinguish between lemons and limes by viewing them through the cellophane wrapper from a Lucozade bottle. If the fruit appears pale it’s a lemon, but…

•“Look how small that orange is,” said my 42-year-old stand-up comedian son Jimmy the other day. He was pointing at a satsuma! Mrs Ada Carr, Slough  •“Look how small that satsuma is,” said my 52-year-old stand-up comedian son Sean the other day. He was pointing at a kumquat! Mrs Ada Lock, Woking  •“Look how small that kumquat is,” said my 49-year-old stand-up comedian son Alan the other day. He was pointing at one of those tiny “ojai pixie” tree-ripened tangerines that you can get at Marks & Spencer around Christmas time! Mrs Ada Davies, Hounslow •The other day my 40-year-old stand-up comedian son Russell rang up a pensioner and told him he’d stuck a lemon up his granddaughter’s fanny. Honestly, he’s such a scamp. I had to laugh. Mrs Ada…

I BOUGHT a lemon the other day from my local greengrocer, and when I got it home I held it in my hand and I looked at it and I thought: You know, God is a little bit like a lemon, isn’t he? He’s sour and bitter, and not very nice at all. Just think of all the innocent people he kills in the Bible, with all those floods and plagues and pestilences, and think about how many he still kills today with earthquakes, tsunamis, diseases and famines. But then I used that lemon to make a lemon drizzle cake, and do you know, when I took it out of the oven and cut myself a slice, it was absolutely delicious. And I thought: Just like the lemon in that…

BUILDERS. By cutting a panel in the floor of your van, you can then hold your chisel out and sharpen it on the road while you’re driving to work. N Knowles, Wickes MAKE sex with your wife’s more attractive and more adventurous sister last longer by imagining your wife in her place. Ian Hastings, Hastings RURAL residents. Give your village a metropolitan vibe by decorating phone boxes with postcard-sized pictures of scantily-clad birds in provocative poses. Complete the effect by adding slogans like “pre-op transsexual “ “O and A levels “ “reverse O and A levels” and “facials”. Sir Rogie Bogan, Buggery St Ffuckington GOING on a family trip but can’t fit the dog in the car? Freeze him in the standing position and slot him onto the bike rack…

I THOUGHT it would be romantic to propose to my girlfriend on the big screen at a major sporting event. Unfortunately, the only one I could get tickets to was the World Snooker Championship, and every time I stood up to announce my proposal, I was aggressively shushed by the referee. On my sixth attempt, I was forcibly escorted from the premises and beaten quite severely by the entire security team. Marvin Eekamouse, Thirsk MY girlfriend tragically died two days before I was due to pop the question, so I ended up asking her via a séance. I went to a medium, who contacted her with my proposal, and after a long, nervous wait, the glass on the table spelled out the word ‘YES’. I was overjoyed, and we tied…

In 1987 corporal punishment in state-run schools was outlawed by Parliament. By that time, millions of sensitive British school children, who had done nothing more than bitten a fellow pupil or burnt down the new science block, had been slippered, caned, given lines, shouted at or humiliatingly made to sit in complete silence with fingers on lips... COMPO4KIDS WANTS TO SEEK REDRESS: ...Until we cold-called them, many of our customers didn’t even realise they could put a lucrative claim in against their now retired 93-year-old Maths master! So, if you were born between 1910 and 1974, find out NOW if you’re eligible for retrospective compensation! CALL OUR CLAIMS ‘EXPERTS’ NOW TO SEE HOW MANY TEACHERS YOU COULD BANKRUPT: 0800 SCHOOL CLAIM COMPO 4 KIDS Unit 4+1, Claimback School for Scoundrels,…

99 PERCENT OF BRITONS believe that the Duke of Kent and Prince Michael of Kent are one and the same person! And a shocking two thirds of the population are similarly confused about Princess Michael and the Duchess of Kent . And according to constitutional expert Dr David Starkey , it’s a national disgrace. He told us: “What a shocking indictment of this country’s educational system that whilst our children they are taught mathematics, science and literacy from an early age, they are left ignorant about the differences between the various Kents.” And now the controversy-courting historian is calling for the subject of “Kentology” to be added to…

ALBERT EINSTEIN was the greatest genius who ever lived. But the boffin who turned the world of physics upside down with his theory of relativity didn’t know that seven eights were fifty-six! According to newly-discovered papers in the archives at Princeton University, even though the Nobel prizewinner had no problem getting his head round brain-boggling concepts such as the warping of space-time by gravity, wave/particle duality and mass/energy equivalence, he simply couldn’t understand how seven eights could equal fifty-six. fine “Einstein was fine with six eights being forty-eight and eight eights being sixty-four,” says Princeton science historian Dr Johnny Saint. “But the idea that seven eights was fifty-six left him completely befuddled.” The papers, found in the university archive, and which include Einstein’s original handwritten workings out of…

HOW MANY oranges does it take to collect enough pith to make a pith helmet? My grandson is going on a two-week safari to Africa and I wanted to make him one as a going-away present. Ada Basket, Hull • Well Mrs Basket, a kilo of oranges yields merely 25g of fresh pith (equivalent to just 10g when dried). A pith helmet weighs approximately 700g, meaning you’d have to chomp your way through nearly three quarters of a tonne of oranges to make a helmet for your grandson! In addition, you’d have to find a chinstrap and a button for the top.…