Innholdsfortegnelse for October 2017 i Viz

ROLY-POLY Late Late Show host JAMES CORDEN sparked outrage today, after announcing that his latest instalment of Carpool Karaoke will feature none other than hook-handed preacher of hate ABU HAMZA. The Egypt-born Sunni extremist, 59, is currently serving life imprisonment in Colorado for 11 separate terror charges. However, he will be granted temporary release next week in order to join big-boned Corden, 39, for a light-hearted in-car singalong. Speaking to reporters in Los Angeles this morning, Cord-en explained how the controversial cameo came about. “Abu contacted myself and the production team via Facetime from his high-security cell to say that he loved the show, and particularly enjoyed the Carpool Karaoke section,” Corden revealed. “He said he’d especially liked the Ed Sheeran episode,…

“UK will be subaquatic by 2020,” predicts top boffin” IT SEEMS like every day a new report is released on the shocking and harrowing effects of climate change. Sceptics may shake their heads and sigh, but the figures speak for themselves: mankind’s burgeoning carbon emissions are devastating the environment, boosting the Earth’s temperature and causing sea levels to rise dramatically. And whilst pop prognosticators BUSTED famously predicted that humanity would be living underwater by the Year 3000, one expert fears that our complete submergence could come much sooner than that. “Britain will be 300 feet beneath the ocean by 2020,” says PRO-FESSOR DALIBAR SINGH, head of Climatic Changeology at Oxford Brookes University. He told us: “I’m 100% on this one. The numbers all add up - there’s literally no doubt…

A MYSTERIOUS VANDAL dubbed “the BBC Banksy”, responsible for a spate of obscene graffiti at Broadcasting House, has been identified as a senior female newsreader. The famous face, whose name has not been revealed, apparently owned up to scrawling four-letter graffiti about her colleagues in toilets at the £1 billion news centre. The presenter, 53, was collared after caretakers made notes of when the obscene words and images appeared, later cross-referencing that information with who was reading the news on-screen at the time. A BBC source told us: “It transpired that only one member of the front-line current affairs team could possibly have been responsible for the graffiti.” doodles The abusive marker pen doodles began to appear in the Ladies’ toilets on the fourth floor * Sophie Raworth does anal…

ACCORDING to recent figures revealed by the BBC, Radio 2 breakfast presenter CHRIS EVANS is the corporation’s highest earning star, reportedly trousering a staggering £2.5 million a year. This lavish pay packet would easily be enough for most of us to enjoy the luxury lifestyle of our dreams. Yet Evans seems to live way beyond his means. For example, he recently splashed out £12 million – the equivalent of nearly 6 years’ salary – on a single Ferrari to add to the glittering collection of classic vehicles he keeps at his palatial £50 million home in Berkshire. Indeed, big spender Evans’s outgoings have been estimated at more than £20 million a year. So how does the former TFI Friday host make up…

Pop Svengali is nightmare neighbour from Hell, say Redditch couple A WEST MIDLANDS couple have had their hopes of a quiet retirement trashed by SIMON COWELL. Reg and Janice Beetroot of Foulage Lane, Redditch, claim that the peaceful cul de sac where they live has been turned into a living hell since the millionaire talent show impresario and his rowdy family moved in. “The three months they’ve lived next door have been a nightmare,” Janice, 68, a former dinner lady, told their local paper the Redditch Crumhorn. “They never stop arguing. You can hear them through the walls, shouting, swearing and screaming at each other every hour of the day. They’re forever burning rubbish in the back yard, and they’ve got these big dogs they keep chained up that bark…

APLYMOUTH man was celebrating today after becoming the first ever human being to “get” a Doonesbury comic strip. Melvin Carstairs, 42, was completing the Guardian Sudoku yesterday when his eyes flickered downwards towards the popular incomprehensible American cartoon. Carstairs told reporters: “I usually have a quick, baffled glance at Doonesbury, and wonder idly whether it’s supposed to be funny or clever or what, and then just carry on about my business.” “But this time, something just clicked,” Carstairs continued. “Those normally cryptic three panels suddenly made perfect sense to me for some reason. I didn’t laugh exactly, but I sort of went, ‘Ahhh. Mm-hmm. Yep.’” meaning Carstairs added that he wouldn’t bother explaining the meaning of the comic strip to the assembled…

Dear Brian, Do astronauts wear ties? And if so, do they have to be much bigger than normal ties in order to fit around their helmets? Marvin Simple, Petersfield Brian says: Astronauts do not in fact wear ties. The reason they don’t wear ties is simple: the lack of gravity in a spaceship means that any loose, dangling neckwear would inevitably drift upwards, potentially getting caught in the vessel’s intricate machinery, and thus endangering the lives of the crew. This is also why you don’t see astronauts wearing scarves, bandanas or those Australian hats with corks on them. Dear Brian, We’ve all heard of Orion’s Belt, but are there any astral constellations out there in the shape of a tie? Edmund Catastrophe, Lincoln Brian says: Technically,…

• NEVER mind that Mars Bars and Wagon Wheels have been shrinking over the years, what about mobile phones? In the early 1980s they were huge, and now look at them. Not exactly what I’d call value for money. We’re being ripped off once again. T D Charles, Smeeton Westerby • THE other day I noticed in the paper that a horse called Alice Springs was running in the 3 o’clock at Doncaster. This struck a chord with me, as my wife is called Alice and when we were on our honeymoon, we slept on a mattress that had springs in it. Feeling sentimental, I put £500 on it to win. However, it lost, and when I told my wife she went absolutely ballistic. I was very disappointed as I…

with Jeff Whoda and Pete Thunkit BRUSSELS, BELGIUM Bonkers EU barmycrats have really outdone themselves this week, by unveiling a continent-wide ban on The Velvet Underground & Nico’s iconic debut album... because the banana on the cover is not sufficiently straight. Jobsworth European Commission President Jean-Claude Juncker has ordered the immediate destruction of all copies of the popular 1967 LP on account of its musatoid fruit art not meeting official EC guidelines, which state that any banana found in Europe must be “free from all malformation and abnormal curvature”. Who’da Thunkit?! DAMASCUS, SYRIA A shocking new video unearthed this week in the Syrian capital appears to show members of the so-called ‘Islamic State’ claiming responsibility for the 2004 comedy film Sex Lives of the Potato Men. The grainy footage features…

EVERYONE LOVES PUTTING THEIR FEET UP in front of the telly after a hard day, and the underwater Brits of 2020 will be no different. Current primetime stalwart The Great British Bake Off has already survived a change of channel, and telly bosses are confident that it will cope with taking place at the bottom of the Channel just as well. However, with every cake, pie and pastry dissolving into a mushy, sodden heap that simply tastes of seawater the moment it comes out of the oven, the competition will be quite different from the one that millions love today. Three years from now, a submarine showstopper having a soggy bottom will be par for the course instead of the show’s cardinal crime as it is…

“Bring it on!” says Lord Mayor ONE part of the UK that’s actively looking forward to being completely underwater by 2020 is the seaside town of Blackpool. The popular Lancashire resort is planning to keep the fun and games going - even 300ft below sea level. At a press conference in Blackpool Town Hall this morning, plucky Lord Mayor Eric Tonks had this message for the planet’s perilously high sea levels: “Great Britain might be poised for complete aquatic immersion due to climate change - but there’s one thing that WON’T change, and that’s the warm welcome holidaymakers will receive fifty fathoms down along the Golden Mile!” “Underwater Britain? Bring it on!” The dangerously optimistic municipal leader went on to explain that he sees the UK’s impending marine submergence not…

MOST OF US enjoy a flutter from time to time. We bet on the dogs, the Grand National, or on which celebrity will be the next to die. It’s just a bit of harmless fun. And everyone knows, as the warning says, when the fun stops, stop! But for one Cheshire gambler, the fun never even begins. Because although Crewe-born Brian Trousers KNOWS who is going to win every horse race at every meeting thanks to a Red Indian spirit guide with the gift of second sight, the crooked practices and dodgy deals rife in the so-called ‘Sport of Kings’ repeatedly cheat him out of his rightful winnings. ‘‘ Years ago, I used to enjoy the occasional flutter, just on Saturdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays, and the odd evening meeting on…

TO GET through £20 million a year, as Chris Evans does, is almost a full time job in itself. The Radio 2 breakfast show host has to squander a mind-boggling £54,794.52 each day just to maintain his spending schedule. Any shortfall in his expenditure merely means he’ll have to blow even more cash the next day, so he must stick to a rigid daily spending regime in order to hit his annual eight-figure target. Here’s how he does it. 5. am Chris sets off for work. On his way, he stops off at his local newsagent to buy ten thousand scratchcards. You might think this would be a good start to the day’s profligate spending, but you’d be wrong. Statistically, out of such a…

NOTORIOUS Los Angeles street gangs The Bloods and The Crips have announced plans to settle their five-decade rivalry once and for all... by appearing on BBC quiz show Only Connect! The rival US urban crime syndicates - both based in and around the South Central LA area - will each field a team of three boffins from within their bloodthirsty ranks to compete over four head-scratching rounds of connection-based trivia, all presided over by quick-witted host VICTORIA COREN MITCHELL. Crips head honcho LI’L MURDAH unveiled details of the unorthodox peace process plan to reporters this morning, via satellite link-up from a Compton crack den. “Only Connect is pretty much the only thing us and The Bloods can ever agree on,” Murdah revealed. “It’s absolutely ace, much better than…

I HAVE a huge amount of respect for ties as they are the only item of clothing I can think of whose name describes the method by which they are affixed to their wearer's body. If more items of clothing adopted this refreshingly can-do attitude of naming themselves after the method by which they are affixed to their wearer's body, our once-great country wouldn't be in the rotten state it's in today. So, come on, other items of clothing, pull your fingers out and start naming yourselves after the method by which you are affixed to your wearer's body. Perhaps shirts could take the lead by re-christening themselves 'Button-ups' and scarves could follow suit by calling themselves 'Wrap-arounds', and so on and so forth until Britain leaves the EU and…

GEORDIE Maths teachers. Inject humour into a lesson by introducing Complex Numbers and explaining they should be written in the form x+yi. Mitchell Troy, Monmouth FOOL passers by into thinking you have a new Venetian blind by simply twiddling a long stick with one hand whilst slowly lowering a piece of corrugated cardboard down your window with the other. Matt Greenwood, Weston-Super-Mare SAFARI goers. Always carry a bag of white marbles. Then if you are charged by a hungry hippo, simply drop one at a time so you can outrun it while it stops to gobble them up. Nick Hopkinson, Chesterfield STORE mouse droppings in matchboxes to use as bonsai-tree fertilizer. Gerry Paton, London COOK a hotdog sausage for free by pushing it on to the antenna of your WiFi…

WITH BRITAIN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN, the leisure industry will be decimated. At theme parks, such as Thorpe Park, Flamingoland and Alton Towers, nobody will have any interest in going on the log flumes or whitewater rapids as the novelty of getting wet will have worn off, meaning that queues for the other attractions will double in length. Zoos will also feel the pinch, as many of their animals will have simply swum to freedom up and over the bars of their cages as the waters rose. Those remaining will be drowned, making an upsetting day out for families, especially those with young children. But it’s not all bad news. With no wasps or ants at the bottom of the sea, countryside picnics will be a much more…

THE top of Blackpool Tower will be the only British landmark remaining visible above the waves in 2020. According to Mayor Tonks, the top 50 feet of the iconic lowbrow seaside landmark will poke out of the water, providing visitors with a 360 degree panoramic vista of oceanic nothingness. Councillor Tonks told reporters: “The top of the tower has been the highest point in Britain ever since it was built in 1894. On a clear day it is said you can see as far as the Norbreck Castle Hotel in Bispham.” “Over the years, many millions of bored holidaymakers with nothing else to do have ridden the lift all the way to the top to take in the uninspiring view,” he continued. “And that’s a tradition that will continue even…

POLICE have reopened a 50-year-old investigation after new evidence came to light naming a possible culprit. In August 1967, a man out walking his dog spotted a zig-zag path of trampled wheat in a field near Heythrop, Oxfordshire. Despite intensive forensic investigations involving police from across three forces, the so-called “Oxfordshire Reaper” was never identified or brought to justice. However, in June an anonymous tip-off provided police with a possible name for the perpetrator of the crime and officers last week arrested a 60-year-old woman in a dawn raid on an address in Central London. A Thames Valley Police spokesman told reporters: “We can confirm that a woman in her early sixties has been arrested and released on bail following questioning regarding an incident of someone running through a field…

MANCUNIAN joy-sapper MORRISSEY is set to give up pop stardom to become a snake charmer. The melancholic former Smiths frontman, whose hits include Girlfriend in a Coma and Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now , announced via Twitter that he had had enough of the music scene after purchasing a king cobra, wicker basket and a reeded gourd pipe on a popular internet auction site. “The whole kit was Buy It Now on eBay for £45, so I just went for it,” the morose warbler, 58, said. “It arrived in the post a couple of days later. As soon as I had unwrapped it, I immediately sat down cross-legged and had a try.” hiss “I was in the recorder group at primary school, so…

alien has woken up, the exclam. The painful, twisting feeling in the guts warning that a foul monster is about to explode out of your body. ‘I’m afraid I must pay an urgent visit the little boy’s room your highness, only the alien has woken up and I don’t want to papper my kegs.’ another slice of swan Camilla? exclam. Remark after one has audibly vented to atmosphere. See also answer the door, Lurch; can I quote you on that? and what’s that Skippy? The miners are in trouble? beach hutt n. A magnificently lardiferous sunbather, looking remarkably like the eponymous Tatooine-based Star Wars space gangster and David Mellor lookalike. Also pizza hutt: similar but scoffing a stuffed crust meat feast with no salad. bend the knee…

WE’VE been in knots of laughter reading your tittersome anecdotes about youngsters’ woeful attempts to tie ties. Keep sending ‘em in! MY 6-YEAR-OLD grandson insisted on tying his own tie for my husband’s funeral last week. He made a real pig’s ear of it. I’ve never laughed so much in all my life, and it brightened up what was otherwise a rather sombre day. Edna Mulberry, Shepherds Bush MY 6-YEAR-OLD grandson stood in front of the mirror the other day, concentrating hard on tying his tie for my husband’s funeral. When he’d finished, he’d made a perfect job… except for one thing. He’d tied it round the mirror! Hilda Dissemblement, Ipswich “LOOK GRANNY,” my 6-year-old grandson announced last week while going through a suitcase of his late granddad’s things.…

“Hi. Cringing, carrot-topped monarchy obsessive Nick Witchell here. You’ll never guess who I’ve found fishing with their matching kipper ties off the end of the pier. It’s only the nation’s three favourite blue-bloods: ginger rapscallion PRINCE HARRY, biscuit entrepreneur PRINCE CHARLES and It’s A Royal Knockout failure PRINCE EDWARD! If you look closely, you’ll see that each wonderful heir to the throne is wearing a different kind of tie, but they have become so knotted up it’s impossible to tell who’s caught what sort of fish on their tie. Can YOU untangle their ties and find out which Windsor has caught which fish?”…