Innholdsfortegnelse for September 2017 i Viz

•“THE Monaco Grand Prix - the race that every driver wants to win,” said the TV commentator. What a load of tosh. My grandmother hardly gets close to 30mph, so to claim she’d want to win any race is preposterous. This is yet another reason that I’m justified in not paying the TV licence fee. David Craik, Hull • THE Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby has faced criticism for saying that the General Synod will take two and a half years to decide if the Church should bless same sex marriages. But whether or not to treat gay men and women like everyone else is a big decision. You don’t want to rush something like that. Hector Frampton, Goole •T O’NEIL (Letterbocks 266) says that nobody ever stops at traffic…

WE’VE all wondered what it would be like to spend 24 hours with a tail, and our favourite A-List twats are no different. We rounded up four of the biggest celebrity arseholes we could find and asked them one simple question: if you could have a tail for a day, what sort would it be and what would you do with it? BONO, POP TWAT I’D HAVE a giraffe’s tail, so I would. It’s easily the best tail going because it’s the largest of any land mammal, and it can grow to be up to 8 feet long, which is nearly four times as long as me. I would go straight to Africa and walk among the giraffes as one of them, explaining to them who I was and allowing…

THE NHS is the jewel in Britain’s crown. Set up in 1948 to provide free healthcare for all, it quickly became the envy of the world. But that was then, and this is now. And the shocking truth in 2017 is that the NHS is BROKEN! Every day we read appalling stories in the papers about old ladies left waiting on trolleys in freezing corridors, urgent operations being cancelled for the tenth time and ambulances driving critically ill patients hundreds of miles in search of an available bed. But believe it or not, the reality is much, much worse. Viz undercover journalist MAHATMA MACAROON set out to expose the national horror story that lies at the diseased heart of the NHS. Adopting a variety…

ACCORDING to archaeologists, people have been fastening their clothes with buttons for at least 5000 years. And in all that time, their design has hardly changed; a simple dished disc drilled with 2 or 4 holes to accept thread. Indeed, a bone button from prehistoric Byzantium would work perfectly well on a modern polyester cardigan or suit jacket. But according to eighties electro-synth legend GARY NUMAN, all that is set to change. “Every other aspect of human technology has come on in leaps and bound whilst buttons have remained in the dark ages,” the singer announced at a hastily convened and poorly attended press conference yesterday. crumhorn “No-one would expect me to play my 1979 hit single Cars on a harpsichord or a crumhorn, so why are we still doing…

Star voices fear of crisp-free post-Brexit Britain FLAMBOYANT TV presenter LAURENCE LLEWELYN BOWEN last night confessed his dread of living in a post-Brexit UK where crisps are no longer available. And the tearful Changing Rooms star told Radio Northampton’s Bernie Keith that he wouldn’t want to live in a country where the potato-based snacks were no longer available. “The Leave campaign never told us that exiting the European Union would mean saying goodbye to crisps,” he told Keith. “Had they been honest with the electorate, I believe the referendum vote would have turned out very differently.” plain But punchbag-faced Brexit secretary DAVID DAVIS hit back at Llewelyn Bowen, accusing the 52-year-old painter and decorator of perpetuating Project Fear. “Look, the negotiations have…

GRAB a free breakfast in a chain hotel restaurant any morning at about 8am by giving a made-up room number and having wet hair. Lester Skullman, London CONVINCE colleagues that you have bought a grilled panini for lunch by riding a muddy BMX along the length of a regular sandwich. Jonny, Birmingham GIVE ants a friendly warning by dousing them in luke warm water. Mark Sirman, Sheerness ENGAGED couples. Get your wedding cake for a quarter of the price by telling the maker that it’s for any occasion other than a wedding. Mark Stewart, Derby Kevin Desmond, Birmingham POSH people. Say more on Twitter by not ending every sentence with “don’t you know, don’t you know.” Brian Trousers, Filey MAKE sure your girlfriend apologises first after an argument by tightening…

THERESA MAY’S Strong and Stable Coalition of Chaos recently voted down a bonkers bill put forward by communist loony Jeremy Corbyn to raise the 1% pay cap on public sector wages. The insane scheme, tabled as an amendment to the Queen’s Speech, would have seen the wages of police, nurses, firefighters and other frontline personnel keep pace with inflation for the first time since 2010. After the bill was voted down, left-wing rabble rousers howled in protest that in the same 7-year period, MPs had voted themselves a succession of hefty pay rises. But is it fair to compare emergency workers with politicians? We went on the street to find out what YOU thought……

IT LOOKS AFTER US from cradle to grave, it employs a million people and it’s the envy of the world. It’s the National Health Service, and love it or hate it, it’s here to stay. For the time being at least. We’ve all used it, except people who can afford not to have to. But how much do we know about this gloriously benevolent institution? It’s time to go behind the screens, take all off our clothes and cough as we tell you… 1 HRH The Queen Mother famously objected to the setting up of the National Health Service. Indeed, in 1996, after choking on a fishbone halfway through a visit to Billingsgate Market to open a kipper splitting machine, she refused to be taken to the nearby NHS-run Mile…

YOU KNOW WHEN you’re on a plane, right, on a long haul flight they always put the seatbelts sign on, don’t they, saying they’re expecting turbulence and then there isn’t any? Well, you know why that do that, don’t you? It’s so all the toilets’ll be free so the pilots and stewardesses can go and have a shit. It’s true. And don’t accidentally press the flush button when you’re sat on the bog on a plane. Ooh no, you don’t want to do that. It’s a vacuum, you see, and it’ll just pull your guts out through your arse. HERE’S A THING, did you know there’s nowhere to put a dead body on a plane? They use all the space up with seats, you see. Mate of mine was flying…

Fraudster Mostyn takes NHS for £1m ride TO LOOK AT HIM, you’d think there was nothing wrong with him. And you’d be right, because there isn’t! But over the last 5 years, Llandudno-born Mostyn Orme has taken the national Health Service for a spectacular medical rollercoaster ride worth a MILLION POUNDS! The 42-year-old amusement arcade change booth operator has treated himself to an impressive array of expensive and unnecessary treatments all at the taxpayers’ expense, and it hasn’t cost him a single penny. “Back in 2012, I read on the internet that the average appendectomy operation cost more than £5,000,” he told us. “I thought to myself, ‘I’ll have a bit of that,’ and immediately phoned my doctor to make…

‘‘My Prescription to Cure the NHS’’ ~It’s time to toughen up our soft hospitals says CHARLIE PONTOON WHEN I WAS A LAD, you’d do anything in your power to stay out of hospital, because they were bloody awful places. The doctors and nurses were terrifying figures, ruling the wards with a rod of iron. And woe betide you if you rubbed matron up the wrong way, I can tell you. No, back then, if you found yourself in your local infirmary you bloody well made sure you got better asap and got out of there as quick as you could. These days, a stay in hospital is like a holiday in a five star hotel. There’s a comfy bed and a colour television in every room. You don’t get that…

FROM Land’s End to John O’Groats, us Brits agree on one thing: we love dogs. With their soft paws, waggy tails, clarty stools and wet noses, it’s not difficult to see why these delightful domesticated carnivores have long been considered man’s best friend. But it’s not just your average Joe Bloggs in the street that’s potty about pooches. For believe it or not, some of the biggest stars of stage and screen are mutt-mad too. And one man who knows that most is celebrity dog walker STUART PADLOCK. Sexagenarian divorcee Stu spent three weeks walking some of the most prestigious dogs in Tinseltown. And the Kidderminster-based 66-year-old claims that he has scooped poop that’s come out the back of the hottest hounds in Hollywood. “There’s not a dog-loving celeb out…