Innholdsfortegnelse for August 2017 i Viz

• IT has been almost a year now since so-called ‘astronaut’ Tim Peake spent any time in space. As a role model for so many young people, you would think he would demonstrate a better worth ethic. James Leighton, Petersfield • PEOPLE say of bad things “I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.” But I would, as I don’t like my enemies very much. Jonny Binbags, Pontefract • COME on Royal Mail. How about putting a picture of Lemmy’s cock on the next first class stamp? James Brown, Edinburgh • THE neighbour’s dog shat in our garden, so my wife told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence. I don’t see what that solved. Now we’ve got dog shit in our garden and the neighbours…

WE all dream of a technology-aided future where laborious household tasks are done for us by an army of home-based AI robots and droids. However, many don’t realise that such a world is no longer confined to the realms of science fiction. Within 20 years, experts predict that most of us will live in so-called ‘smart homes’ that automatically monitor our behaviour and complete the boring everyday chores that currently take up so much of our time. However, according to one Oxford scientist, we are picturing the future through the wrong eyes. Revealing his revolutionary vision of everyday life in the year 2040, Professor Steve Veidor of the University’s Crabtree Institute of Artificial Intelligence told us: “Most people make the mistake of imagining the future from their own 2017 perspective.…

BACK in the last century, the year 2000 was held up as the year when we would all be in the future. Hover cars, silver suits, robot butlers and three course dinners that came in the form of a tiny pill were all predicted to be with us by the turn of the Millennium. As 2000 approached, however, it quickly became clear that science was simply not advancing quickly enough to serve us up the technological tomorrow’s world we had been promised, and so that original deadline was put back to the year 2020. But with 2020 fast approaching, scientists are now facing the uncomfortable reality that even this second target date may have been too optimistic. “It’s time to face facts. We’re going to crash this new deadline for…

EASTENDERS actor ADAM WOODYATT has shocked fans by announcing his resignation from the long-running BBC soap… in order to track down the lost continent of Atlantis! Woodyatt, who has played feckless cafe owner Ian Beale on the show since 1985, broke the startling and confusing news at a press conference in Salford this morning. The 48-year-old star told reporters: “Plato was the first to speak of an ancient sunken island located somewhere in the hidden depths of the Atlantic Ocean. Ever since I was a boy I have dreamed of uncovering, raising and subsequently governing this mythical continent.” atlantis “In many ways, my 27 years on East-Enders have been a mere stepping stone towards the realisation of my true life goal - the historic discovery of Atlantis,” he…

“Bending spoons using only the power of the mind is a skill which is innate in all of us. We simply need to learn how to harness that power, and that is something I can teach you in three easy steps.” 1 Find a UFO or floating orb and wait for a blinding beam of light to strike you in the forehead and activate the telekinetic powers that lie dormant within all of us. 2 Get a spoon and start to gently rub it between your thumb and forefinger. 3 Concentrate the powers of your mind and continue to rub the spoon until it bends. NEXT WEEK: How to start a stopped watch and reproduce a drawing of a cat that’s in a sealed envelope.…

Dear David, I RECENTLY saw a picture of Her Majesty the Queen having tea with the prime minister, and she had a teaspoon laid out next to her cup. However, since she is a shape-shifting alien lizard, surely she wouldn’t need a spoon, as she could simply stir the tea using her long, muscular tongue? Agnes Rosicrucian, Chester David says: “You are quite right, Agnes, that the Queen is a shape-shifting alien lizard, and indeed that she has a long muscular tongue that could well be used for stirring tea, or any other hot beverage. However, she would still need a small spoon in order to pick up the sugar cubes from the bowl and deposit them in her cup. Her tongue - despite being long and muscular…

SEXUAL deviants. Get away with rubbing your groin in public by holding a cricket ball in your hand. David Craik, Hull PEA and ham soup too hot? Keep some pea-sized chunks of ham in the freezer to sprinkle into your steaming broth, and it’ll be cool enough to eat. Jonathan Pease, Peel SPIDERS. Contructing your webs near dog eggs is a fool proof way of collecting blue bottles and other such winged flying bastards. Iain Devenney, Oxford BBC newsreaders. Before you mention any large sum of money involving millions or billions of pounds, pause first then say it very slowly so those of us outside London can understand it. Andy, Mappowder GIVE your day a flavour of Robin Hood times by adding an adjective before you mention someone’s name, along…

THE NEW ultra-deluxe version of the latest remaster box set from rock legends Pink Floyd will feature an exclusive and exciting extra for their biggest fans... the band themselves. The box set will contain all the band’s albums on both vinyl and CD, numerous extra discs of demos and live takes, a limited edition signed hardback book and the prog rockers in the flesh. catalogue “We wanted to provide the most definitive version as possible of our back catalogue,” said guitarist and vocalist David Gilmour. “Including ourselves in the boxset seemed the logical way to achieve this.” The progressive rock legends will be packed in a special compartment in the box set with enough food and water to sustain them until they are unpacked. It is understood that…

Steadfast as the White Cliffs of Dover THROUGH seven turbulent decades, Prince Philip has stood by our Queen. Constant as a rock, he has been a faithful pillar of support for Her Majesty at state occasions and public engagements, standing with his arms behind his back, leaning slightly forward to bark rudely at ordinary members of the public who have queued up for hours for the chance to see him, and then walking off impatiently. A Plate that Bespeaks of its own Quality INDEED, over the years of his steadfast consortship, his Royal Highness has been needlessly unpleasant to people from all corners of the world and every walk of life. From foreign heads of state to lowly members of the public, the young, the old and the disabled, he…

abject jizzery n. Haunting sense of remorse, shame and sadness that strikes immediately following a successful act of gentlemanly relaxation.An extreme and chronic form of wangst. Also wanguish, tugger’s remorse, crying over spilt milk, wank hangover, cumdown. bag of fertiliser n. The scrotum. bellend warmer n. A piss. brexit n. Sudden, premature departure from the breakfast table due to the rapid onset of a morning dreadnought. bumbling adj. Descriptive of a somewhat inept or heavy-handed attempt to gain access via the back door. bush babies 1. n. zool. Cute nocturnal tree dwelling primates. 2. n. Leftover blobs of jizz left in the ladygarden undergrowth following a hasty withdrawal. cabin doors to manual phr. Taking matters into one’s own hands, if you will. ’The…

THE FATAL FEUD between iconic gangsta rappers 2PAC SHAKUR and THE NOTORIOUS B.I.G. originally came about... because of spoons! Yes, the two legendary hip hop stars first came to blows back in March 1993 during a disagreement about the correct placement of a soup spoon at a formal dinner. Biggie claimed it should be laid to the immediate right of the oyster fork, whilst 2Pac maintained its true home was parallel to the table’s edge, beside the butter knife. Gunfire was exchanged, and one of hip hop’s most notorious feuds had begun. IF YOU’RE LOOKING for the owner of the world’s largest spoon collection, look no further than hardcore hip hop favourite P DIDDY! That’s right - the Bad Boy For Life icon keeps a whopping 43,571 shallow-bowl-based kitchen implements…

Dear Justin, MY GRANDSON is putting up a bookshelf for me above my bed. However, he told me that since it is a stud wall, he can’t use the rawl plugs I bought as they won’t take the weight. He’s insisting I’ll have to fork out for some more costly expanding cavity bolts or the shelf will fall down within days. Surely, though, as I have led a pure and sin-free life, God could see his way clear to keeping my shelf up with the rawl plugs I have already purchased? Ada Cassock, Hammersmith Justin says: “God is all-powerful, so He would certainly be able to keep your shelf up with conventional rawl plugs for all eternity, if He so wished. And you could load it with a…

THE problems caused by a shortage of affordable housing could be a thing of the past according to one group of scientists. And the answer is not to build more homes taking up more green space, but simply for landlords to exploit the relationship that exists between time and space at the quantum level. And physicists working at CERN’s Large Hadron Collider have suggested that Britain’s lettings agents could rent out property in a FIFTH DIMENSION. “Our homes currently exist in the standard four dimensions in which we live,” said Professor Joe Royal. “But if somebody lived in the fifth dimension instead, two sets of tenants could theoretically inhabit the same house at the same time.” And according to the professor, the two tenants would never meet each other, or…

Hello all. CARL WEATHERS here. You’ll remember me from being out of Predator and all the Rockys and a few other things as well. But what you definitely WON’T remember about me - because I’ve literally never told another living soul - is that I LOVE spoons! That’s right, I simply can’t get enough of these ingenious kitchen utensils consisting of a small shallow bowl located at the end a medium-sized handle. And judging by the size of this week’s Weathers’ Spoons postbag, all you Viz readers are pretty keen on them, too. So, let’s get cracking “spooner” rather than later, and take a look at some of the best spoon-themed letters I’ve received. AS A life-long spoon fan, I find it sickening that my favourite item of cutlery is…

Q1 “Marry, he must have a long spoon that must eat with the devil.” These, of course, are the words of Dromio of Syracuse in Act 4 Scene 3 of Shakespeare’s A Comedy of Errors. But to which other character does Dromio address his warning? Q2 A simple soup spoon is formed from a portion of a sphere of diameter 4cm and depth 15mm. Neglecting a meniscus, to the nearest cubic centimetre what is the volume of tomato soup that such a spoon could hold, and you must answer as soon as you write in. Q3 Picture Round. Here is a map of Europe with three major spoon manufacturing cities marked. Simply give me the names of all three, and you may not confer. The first correct answer out…