Innholdsfortegnelse for June - July 2017 i Viz

• THE Bible says that Jesus fed the five thousand with just a few loaves and fishes. I can’t help thinking that this must have been a rather dry meal. Surely, if he really was the son of God, he could have managed a few chips and some mushy peas as well? Helmut Scheine, Rawtenstall • IF I LIFTED up a princess’s top so that my friend could take a photo of her tits, I’d be quite rightly arrested. Yet Chris Tarrant did it to Sophie Rhys-Jones, the Countess of Wessex, and he ended up with an OBE. I realise I should have written this letter about 20 years ago, but it’s only just dawned on me. Tarquin Boyles, London • I’M SO GLAD we finally decided to set up…

EVERY mega wealthy A-Lister has dreamed about spending 24 hours as a lowly pauper. We rounded up three of the nation’s favourite affluent celebs and asked them what they would do if they were Poor For A Day? BONO, WEALTHY POP TWAT AS a tireless campaigner for the poor and downtrodden, if I woke up to find myself inexplicably destitute, I wouldn’t think twice about organising a great big benefit concert with all proceeds going directly into my pocket. The only problem is, when I invariably forgot my favourite hat ahead of the gig, I wouldn’t have the money to fly it halfway across the world in a private jet, so I’d have to rely on sluggish proletarian transport systems, such as Ryanair or Megabus. This would mean…

PRINCE SHAME OF THRONES! Poor old Prince H has been royally flushed out to sea by his now-officially-hunkier namesakes. The red-headed blue-blood might be the planet’s number one regal rogue, but he’s only its third hottest Harry. STYLES It’s a case of 1 REJECTION for X-Factor runner-up Styles. The Redditch-raised vocalist topped the charts in 2015 with Drag Me Down, and that’s exactly what’s happened to him here, courtesy of a long-dead Hungarian-American escapologist. HOUDINI NOW THAT’S MAGIC! Despite passing away more than nine decades ago, coquettish conjuror Harry Houdini has proven that hunkiness and being alive don’t necessary have to go hand in hand. The US illusionist has finally performed his greatest trick ever - winning the battle of the Hunky Harrys! Next week: Tim…

AS THE BRAND NEW third series of Twin Peaks premieres this week, there is only one question on everybody’s lips: WHO will the murderer be this time? Well, believe it or not IT COULD BE YOU! Because we’ve teamed up with showrunners DAVID LYNCH and MARK FROST to offer one lucky Viz reader a starring role in the final episode as the man or woman who did it. For YOUR chance to be the next twisted sex killer like Leland Palmer or Evil Bob, simply answer these 5 Twin- and Peak-related questions before completing the tie-breaker. 1 Jedward are famous identical twins, but what are they actually famous for? a.…

FIREFIGHTERS were this morning damping down Piers Morgan after the he caught fire during the night. A passer-by called 999 at 2am after spotting the 52-year-old TVam presenter ablaze, and emergency services fought for several hours before finally bringing the conflagration under control. Onlookers said that fire crews who rushed to the scene were hampered by high winds that caused flames to leap from one limb to the next. “Morgan hadn’t had a drink all day and was tinder dry,” said a Twickenham Fire Brigade spokesman. “As a result, a small fire that we believe started in one of his shoes rapidly took hold, and spread up his suit.” “By the time our appliances attended the scene, Mr Morgan was ablaze from head to foot,” he continued. “Crews worked through…

IN A SHOCK move, Sir Elton John’s knighthood has sensationally TURNED DOWN the offer of an MBE in the Queen’s Birthday Honours. And the actions of the knighthood, 19, have caused embarrassment to both the monarch and Sir Elton John. “The knighthood is a lifelong republican and has always seen the honours system as dishonest, unfair and a symbol of everything that is wrong in this country,” a source close to the award told reporters. A spokesman for the palace told reporters that whilst the Queen was disappointed, it was not the first time an honour has been turned down. “This happens every year with someone or other,” he said. “But it means we’ve got a gong going spare, so she’ll probably give it to Mo Farah’s CBE or The…

THE WORLD will be watching this weekend when the Duchess of Cambridge’s sister Pippa Middleton finally ties the knot with long time boyfriend James Matthews. The glittering guest list for the wedding of the year will include anyone who’s anyone in British society, but as the couple take their vows in the St Mark’s Church in the pretty Berkshire village of Engelfield on Saturday, there will be one notable absentee from the congregation … The bride’s arse. Back in 2011 Pippa’s pert buttocks shot to fame after stealing the show at her sister Kate’s wedding to Prince William. “Crammed into that tight white dress, they looked like two boiled eggs in a pocket hankie,” says editor of Majesty magazine Ingrid Fartsucker. “After making such a fabulous debut going up the…

UNITED AIRLINES last month paid out an undisclosed sum to David Dao after the Kentucky-based doctor was forcibly dragged off one of their planes, leaving him with facial injuries that required hospital treatment. Dao had refused to vacate his seat after being ordered off the flight following a booking mix-up, and video of security officers roughly manhandling him down the aisle quickly went viral, leading to an international outcry. We went out on the street to ask the Great British public what they thought about the controversial episode. “I HAD the exact same experience as Dr Dao when I got dragged off a plane back from a stag weekend in Prague, and what’s more the flight wasn’t even overbooked. Admittedly, I’d been drinking solidly for three days, had just been…

PRINCE PHILIP is to step down from his duties of making racist comments, insulting foreigners and generally being unpleasant to members of the public, Buckingham Palace announced yesterday. The 240-bedroom royal residence told reporters that Philip, 96, had made the decision himself after discussions with the QUEEN, who fully supported him. After the announcement, Downing Street paid tribute to the Duke. “Prince Philip has worked tirelessly to cause embarrassment and awkwardness for this country at home and abroad for more than seven decades, and we wish him a long and happy retirement,” said the 120ft-long gated Whitehall cul-de-sac.…

ANEW STUDY by the Consortium of British Industry has revealed that the trait companies are most looking for in potential employees is a health-threatening level of workaholism. Of the 1000 employers interviewed, 953 put the willingness to sacrifice family and health in favour of meaningless activity on behalf of the company as the number one characteristic they look for when recruiting. boss “It’s simple matter of business economics,” said Jeremy Phatbeats, a businessman who employs 70 people in his party balloon company. “Like most companies, I don’t want to spend more money than I have to on employees. So, when it comes to the crunch, I just want someone making and packing balloons for eleven, twelve hours a day.” Frank Hatman who owns a managerial business consultancy was in agreement,…

FOR MOST PEOPLE, the house-sharing website Airbnb has been a revelation. To make a bit of extra pocket money, it is now possible to rent out the spare room in your house to a perfect stranger off the internet. What have you got to lose? Well, according to one Loughborough bachelor, the answer to that question is: “everything”. Over the past four weeks NEVILLE FLOTSAM has lost his wife, his home and a substantial portion of his dignity after listing the spare room in his modest 2-up 2-down on the trendy website. And believe it or not, the lodgers responsible for his tragic downfall were all A-list stars! “The roll call of celebrity icons who’ve come to stay…

HER MAJESTY The Queen yesterday recognised a veteran of the music world in her Birthday Honours List, awarding an MBE to Sir Elton John’s Knighthood. The MBE was awarded to the Knighthood, conferred upon the Watford FC-owning singer in 2009, in recognition of its work for Elton John’s work for charity. Speaking on behalf of the knighthood, Elton John said “I’m overjoyed that The Queen has seen fit to honour my honour in this way.” It is the first time that a knighthood has been awarded such an honour, and means the Crocodile Rock singer will now be styled ‘Sir MBE Elton John’.…

THE FORMAL garden at Hampton Court has been one of Britain’s national treasures for centuries. Long renowned for its herbaceous borders, intricate maze and beautifully manicured lawns, it has wowed visitors since it was first laid out by King Henry VIII in Tudor times. Today, a small army of horticulturalists toil seven days a week to keep Hampton Court’s acres of lush, verdant turf looking its best. They have the benefit of access to the latest gardening equipment - sit-on mowers, lawn scarifiers and aerators to name just a few - all of which are motorised to make things easy. Of course, the job of keeping the grass in tip-top condition was very different back in the 16 th  century… but…

GET that holiday feeling at home by taking a dump, then putting the bog paper in a Tesco carrier bag on top of the cistern. Mat, Portishead DRAWER full of perfectly good socks with a small hole in the big toe? Simply cut the entire toe section off and wear them with flip flops on the beach. Colin Meesals, Thailand MOTORISTS. Enjoy the benefits of advisory signs warning of things like ‘Severe congestion M6, J9-J11’ by first committing the junction numbering system for the entire British motorway network to memory. Helmut Scheine, Rawtenstall PRETEND the cheap black-market roll-ups you are smoking are really posh, foreign, menthol fags by gargling with a minty mouthwash before sparking up. Seán Hickey, Sligo SAVE water with dual flush toilet cisterns by clearly labelling the…

THE GENERAL ELECTION on June 8th is set to see a record low turnout of voters wearing hats. That’s the shock conclusion of a NewGov poll commissioned by headwear trade body the British Society of Milliners, Hatband makers and Capsmiths. YOUR NO. 1 VIZ ALWAYS A-HEAD OF THE REST WITH HAT NEWS! Although pollsters are expecting a healthy turnout for the panic poll called by PM Theresa May, the percentage of people turning up to cast their vote wearing a hat may hit single figures for the first time since polling records began. “It’s a worrying trend,” wild-haired Strathclyde University psephologist Professor John Curtice told us. “Back in the 1920s, 98% of the population turned up at their local polling station with a hat on. It…

IT’S THE DEBATE that’s splitting the country three ways down the middle - turning fathers against sons, mothers against daughters and lifelong friends into mortal enemies. Walk into any pub, office, chip shop, royal palace, pop concert or vaudevillian theatre circa 1910 and you’ll see people literally physically attacking each other over the same old argument: Who Is The World’s Hunkiest Harry? For some, the accolade must go to flame-haired heir-to-the-throne PRINCE HARRY - the cheeky blue-blooded bachelor who keeps us all grinning with his delightfully roguish antics. Others will tell you that the only sensible answer is former One Direction icon HARRY STYLES , whose legendary pop hits have won the hearts of screaming fans across the globe. Others still will vouchsafe…

alanysis n. In television sports punditry, a trite statement of the blindingly obvious that is presented as insightful, expert scrutiny, typically on a Saturday evening. all shout and no shit phr. An urgent lavatory trip that turns out to be just a lot of hot air. Descriptive of an arse that is writing cheques it cannot cash. arsehole to breakfast time, bollocked from phr. Descriptive of loud, prolonged and vicious admonishment following a mild infraction. ‘After Ozzy’s latest bout of infidelity, he was summoned to the family home & bollocked from arsehole to breakfast time.’ (Court Circular column in The Times, August 2016). backbone n. An excited John Thomas that makes its presence felt in the bag for life’s lumbar region while spooning. Barack Obamas…

A NEWLYlaunched podcast, The Jez and Tommo Show, failed to achieve the first week download figures its creators hoped. Despite having been available through iTunes for a ten days, The Jez and Tommo Show has garnered only seven downloads. “We’d hoped for better,” said Jez, a media student from Brighton. “But we’re still trying to get the word out there. I’ve just tweeted Jimmy Carr, if he gives it a listen, I reckon he’ll be totally into it,” he said. “Then he can tweet about it and that will get everything going,” he added. pod Jez, 20, explained how the podcast came about. “Me and Tommo or, the Tomster as I call him, were in the Basketmakers doing some ales and we were just saying these hilarious things to each…

A SINGLE MUM from Newcastle broke down in tears last night as she told how she was conned out of her life savings by a scammer posing as KIM KARDASHIAN . Rosetta Stone, 24, handed over £800 to Barry Tankard, a 58-year-old Gateshead forklift truck driver, after he approached her online pretending to be the glamorous US reality star. Rosetta told reporters: “I got an email out of the blue from Kim Kardashian, saying she had had her purse stolen while on holiday in Paris. She urgently needed to borrow some money to buy a plane ticket back to the US, and she had picked my name at random off the internet. She promised to pay me back with interest as soon as she got home to…