Innholdsfortegnelse for April 2017 i Viz

STAR LETTER • SCIENTISTS are always going on about how our bee population is dwindling. Well, they could start by having a word with all those bee keepers who keep force feeding them smoke. They reckon ciggies take at least ten years off a human life, so imagine what it’s doing to those poor little bastards. Hampton Fibreboard, Wells • IF TUPPENCE Middleton married Jill Halfpenny and took her name, she’d be called Tuppence Halfpenny. I realise this doesn’t quite work, as the phrase is Tuppence Ha’penny. But phwoar! Just imagine the wedding night, eh? Frank Gideon, Nottingham • WHO would have thought that the sight of me lifting up my nut sack and applying Sudocrem to my red raw arse and thighs isn’t “conducive to a long and happy…

HIS Holiness POPE FRANCIS was celebrating today after becoming the first pontiff in history to pull an April Fools’ Day prank... on GOD! At a packed press conference in St. Peter’s Square, the Argentine-born Catholic Holy Father, 80, confirmed to journalists that he had succeeded in duping the all-knowing Deity before midday on April 1st. A visibly jubilant Francis told reporters: “I was just about to sit down to my morning prayers when I noticed the date on the calendar - April 1st. I’ve always been game for a giggle and I love practical jokes, so I suddenly thought, ‘Why not?’” prayers Francis continued: “I did all my normal prayers, but then at the end - with a completely straight face - I added, ‘Oh, by the way,…

CAR owners. Interested in finding out what your vehicle is worth? Simply use the We Buy Any Car online evaluation tool and multiply the resulting quote by 20. Mike Brands, St Austell DON’T waste money on fancy crinkle-cut crisps. Simply buy a packet of normal crisps, soak them in water overnight, thread them carefully over and under some pipe-cleaners and leave them on the radiator for a couple of days to dry. Steve, Welwyn ACHIEVE the festival vibe at a family BBQ by simply having a shit in the bushes, rolling around in the mud, barging into everyone and then throwing an open bottle of piss at your grandmother. David Craik, Hull BECOME a crime-fighting hero by donning a cape, a mask and wellies before reporting all your neighbours for…

AMANCHESTER woman has fulfilled her life goals by curling up on a comfy sofa with a big mug of low-calorie hot chocolate that tastes just as good as the real thing. Busy mum Eleanor Gay, 36, declared the experience to be all she expected it to be. “As a busy Mum, I hardly get a moment’s peace,” she said. “So, despite existing in a world of infinite beauty and experience, all I really want is to do is curl up on a big sofa, let out a satisfied sigh, and enjoy a mug of hot chocolate that might help me lose weight.” “It was definitely bliss,” she added. And suggestions that there is more to life than curling up on a comfy sofa with a mug of low calorie hot…

SOME of the biggest names in music are facing a multi-billion pound lawsuit from a little-known composer who has accused them of plagiarising a work he wrote almost seventy years ago. Cleveland-based musician WALLY SLIMFAST, 87, claims that as the composer of the ‘1…2….1-2-3-4’ count-in, he is owed royalty payments for every time it has been used on records or in live performances. “I remember the day I wrote it,” Slimfast told Sky News’s Kay Burley. “It was 19th August 1949, and I was rehearsing with my big band The Wally Slimfast Harmony Twelve in the Stockton-on-Tees Bus Depot Employee Recreation Room.” count “I wanted a way to give my fellow musicians the tempo of the piece, whilst also encouraging them to play in a lively, motivated manner,” he said. “I’d…

Barney n. prop. rhym. slang. A feeshus. A reference to the famous Trumpton fire brigade roll call, intoned whenever they were called out to rescue the mayor’s hat from up a tree, remove a tin of paint from the Town Hall clock or hose the remains of a suicide victim off the front of Lord Belborough’s train. From Barney McGrew = poo. blow up the Death Star euph. To successfully target a small thermal exhaust port right below the main port. booby trap n. A momentary glimpse of cleavage that ensnares a man and ultimately proves to be his undoing. A sneaky peek, opportunity norks. breakfart n. An early morning botty burp that sets you up for the rest of the day. bum in a bucket,…

BLOCKBUSTERHollywood producer and director JJ Abrams , who made his name reviving much-loved film franchises such as Star Wars and Star Trek , has taken on what insiders believe could be his biggest challenge yet - rebooting the classic Homebase adverts starring Neil Morrissey . The original TV ads, first aired in 2000 and 2001, were a massive hit with millions of people putting on kettles and nipping for a quick piss. Now Abrams believes the time is right for a fresh take on the franchise. “There’s a whole new generation of kids out there who never made the link between a successful 1990s sitcom and a character-led brand campaign for DIY products,” he said. In the…

Q: What sort of seagull is an actor? A: George Seagull (George Segal) Q: What sort of cliff doesn’t have a seagull on it? A: Cliff Richards. Q: What other sort of Cliff doesn’t have a seagull on it? A: Cliff Thorburn (1980 World Snooker Champion). Q: Why did the seagull cross the road? A: There was somebody eating some chips. Q: What’s a seagull’s favourite pop band? A: Wings. Q: Who’s a seagull’s favourite straight-to-DVD movie actor? A: Wings Hauser.…

WITH the government threatening to abolish the House of Lords if they attempt to stand in the way of a hard Brexit, Parliament’s upper chamber may well soon find itself abandoned and empty. The iconic red leather benches that were once home to Britain’s 760 peers will be deserted, and the finely carved oak woodwork that once echoed to the cut and thrust of high-powered political argument will fall eerily silent as more than 500 years of parliamentary tradition is finally swept away. But empty buildings quickly deteriorate. After just a few weeks of standing unused, the House of Lords will become fusty and damp with a funny smell. To prevent this happening, a new use will have to be found for the upper chamber. We asked a selection of…

THE entertainment world was left reeling yesterday after a Chelmsford man took to Twitter to call former Take That frontman Gary Barlow a ‘shitter.’ DAVE ONIONS, 40, pulled no punches as he tweeted the message ‘Gary Barlow is a big shitter’ at 11.32pm on Saturday, leaving his four followers stunned. barlow “Dave has always got his finger on the pulse of what’s going on in the entertainment world,” said one of his followers, mum Denise Onions. “If he says that Gary Barlow is a shitter, then he must be a shitter.” Another follower, Kevin Onions, was not surprised by his brother’s lambasting of Barlow on the popular social media network. “Dave is a straight-talking bloke. He’s outspoken and often controversial. It didn’t surprise me at all…

Dear Roger, IN THE January issue of Viz, you define ‘cunt off’ thusly “v. To dismiss or ignore someone in an unpleasant manner. ‘Ms Rudd was met by a large group of protestors as she made her way into the conference, but she completely cunted them off.’” However, I have always used ‘cunt off’ as a noun to describe any public spat between two equally obnoxious participants; a contest where most neutral observers are rooting for a nil-nil draw with serious injuries to both combatants. For example, David Cameron vs Boris Johnson, Piers Morgan vs Nigel Farage, John Prescott vs that twat who threw an egg at him. I’m sure you get the picture. Please update your Profanisaurus accordingly. Many thanks. David Smallbone, email…

“HIREADERS, Cardiff-born rockabilly legend SHAKIN’ STEVENS (real name Michael Barratt) here. You probably know me best for my hit songs from the eighties such as Wo-oh Julie , This Ole House and Green Door or doing that dance thing where I sort of dropped down with my knees together whilst spinning my arm round in a big circle. But what you probably don’t know about me is I’m absolutely potty about seagulls! Whether they’re following a tractor round, mobbing a child for its chips in Llandudno or ripping a soiled nappy apart to get at the shit on a landfill site, I just can’t get enough of these maritime birds. And neither can Viz readers,…

1 The smallest ever gull wasn’t a seagull at all. He was Indian-born Guinness Book of Records stalwart GULL MOHAMMED. At a pocket-sized 1’10”, Gull nevertheless towered over his best friend, the world’s smallest man CALVIN PHILLIPS. 2 Amazingly, the first animal in space was a seagull. That’s because, according to a man in the pub, the average albatross flies to the Moon and back an amazing fifteen times during its lifetime. And albatrosses were around way before space rockets, because COLERIDGE mentioned them in one of his poems in 1834 - nearly 130 years before LAIKA the Russian space dog was blasted into orbit. 3 According to experts, the best thing to do if you’re being mobbed by seagulls is to stand close to a high wall. That’s…