Innholdsfortegnelse for February 2017 i Viz

• I KNOW most people don’t believe in the existence of The Grim Reaper, but if he does exist he should update his profile to the 21st century and dump the scythe. He could pick up a decent Flymo Hedge Strimmer from B&Q for about seventy quid these days. Billy • VIRGIN trains. When somebody accidentally makes a mistake booking a ticket online and calls to correct it, rather than saying there is nothing you can do about it, try to remember that we live in an age of technological innovation. Such is our power to control every aspect of our lives, our ability to achieve things is seemingly limited only by our imagination. What you actually mean is there is nothing you are going to do about it. Arthur…

THE NEW millennium has seen the biggest average rise in hat sizes since records began, according to official figures released by the Government’s independent hats watchdog OffDoff. In 1999 the average UK hat was a size 6 7 /8, but British milliners last year reported that that figure had leapt to 7 1 /8 - a rise of a quarter of a hat size in just over a decade and a half. The rising size of hats is a trend that is worrying Britain’s leading headwear experts. “If hat sizes continue to increase at this rate, then we could be looking at an average hat size of 8 by 2050,” said Professor Malcolm Kirk of Leicester University’s Department of Hat Studies. larger “We have to wake…

WOMEN love them, city gents aren’t properly dressed without them, and if you want to get ahead, get one. They’re hats, and whether it’s a wedding or a funeral, us Brits just can’t resist popping all kinds of weird and wonderful titfers on top of our loaf. But just how much do we know about these concave head-covering items of attire? Here’s a fact file that’s full to the brim with… 1 THANKS to his love of headgear, pop singer Jamiroquai is known as “the Cat in the Hat”. The acid jazz space cowboy’s love of hats dates back to his early childhood, when his mum – Cilla Black impressionist Karen Kay – put a blue knitted bonnet on his head before taking him out in his pram. 2 BIG-hearted…

Dateline Vatican City +++++ IN HIS NEW autobiography, POPE BENEDICT reveals that he once went out to give his Easter address in St Peter’s Square wearing a rather unusual hat. In the book, entitled It Shouldn’t Happen to a Pontiff, the Pope writes: “It was time to go out on the balcony and I couldn’t find my white zucchetto skullcap anywhere. I hunted high and low for it around my apartment, but I couldn’t find the bloody thing anywhere. Meanwhile I could hear the crowd outside getting more and more impatient for my papal benefaction. In the end, one of my Cardinals got a penny floater football, cut it in half, turned it inside out and plonked it on my bonce. There were 2 billion catholics around the world watching…

antiques roadshow 1. n. Popular BBC Sunday night show in which cupidinous members of the public have their heirlooms valued “for insurance purposes” by well-spoken men in stripy blazers and women called Bunty. 2. n. Grab a granny night at the local discotheque. bring your dinner to work euph. To wait until you get to your place of employment before retiring to the Boss Hoggs to enjoy your morning tom tit. Brownlee’d, a bit adj. In such a state of over refreshment from the booze that you need a friend to support you on your way to the taxi rank, in the style of the eponymous Olympic triathlete Jonny who had to be helped across the finishing line by his brother Alistair at the Rio games. bucket list…

BROADCASTER STUART MACONIE has wowed nostalgia fans across the globe today by announcing plans for a new TV series... in which he will reminisce about EVERY SINGLE DAY of the 1970s. The remarkable new weekly show - entitled I Love Every Single Day Of The 1970s - will contain a whopping 3652 hour-long episodes, and is set to air on the TV channel Dave over the course of the next seventy years. The first 60-minute installation - I Love the 1st Of January 1970 - will be broadcast next week, with the three-hour season finale - I Love the 31st Of December 1979 - due to air some time in 2086. sparsely Maconie unveiled the uniquely ambitious project to gobsmacked reporters at a sparsely attended press conference in…

1 BELIEVE it or not, the cashew nut was created by none other than Renaissance artist LEONARDO DA VINCI. In 1498, whilst attempting to invent a helicopter, he accidentally set fire to a bowl of peanuts he’d been snacking on. The flames caused the salted legumes to warp and bend slightly, and the quick-thinking polymath swiftly re-branded them as ‘cashuttos’ (meaning literally ‘curvy peanuts’), and the rest is nutty history! 2 NUTS were directly responsible for the demise of iconic Britpop group Oasis. Backstage before a gig in 2009, lead singer LIAM GALLAGHER claimed that peanuts were in fact seeds, not nuts, only to be challenged by his guitarist brother NOEL who assured him they were actually legumes. The two came to blows over the dispute, with Liam walking out…

• IN THE 1961 romantic comedy Breakfast at Tiffanys, Holly Golightly, played by AUDREY HEPBURN , goes into a hotel bar where there is a bowl of cashew nuts on the counter. In the film, the hotel is The Alhambra on 5th Avenue in New York. However, cashews are only found in sub-Saharan Africa and tropical south east Asia. • IN Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Harry, Ron and Hermione are drinking butter beers in the Hogs Head Inn in the village of Hogsmeade, where a card of Big D salted nuts can be seen hanging behind the bar. When the camera is on Harry, the nuts are covering the picture of a topless woman so as only her face is visible. When the shot turns to Ron,…

CELEBRITIES. Try not to say you’ll leave the country if a politician you don’t like is voted in. You invariably won’t and you’ll just end up looking a twat. Chris, Dover OLYMPIC sprinters. Avoid the poor reputation that comes with taking performance-enhancing drugs whilst gaining an advantage by sticking a lit firework up your arse when getting into the starting blocks. You can claim you were just “getting in the mood” for the closing ceremony, which the Olympic Committee will judge as being in the spirit of the games. Nort Shaw, email THERESA May. Make the process of exiting the EU a little easier by appointing as Brexit Minister someone who has managed to get out of a David Lloyd membership early. Stench, Derby UNPOPULAR Z-list celebrities. When appearing on…

OXFORD boffins have invented a revolutionary hat that will allow its wearers to live forever. According to a report in this week’s New Scientist the hat, which is presently being developed at the university’s department of biological sciences, will hold the ageing process at bay indefinitely, bestowing immortality upon those who put it on. Research team leader Professor Klaus Wunderlich stressed that the project was still at an early stage but he was optimistic that a working, affordable immortality hat would be available by 2020 at the latest. “This is a tremendously exciting project,” said Professor Wunderlich. “Our hat will prevent the wearer’s cells from undergoing senescence, the process by which DNA degrades and which eventually leads to ageing and death. It is these genetic switches…

LOTS OF STARS are never seen without a hat. BONO, VAN MORRISON and JAY KAY OUT OF JAMIROQUAI are just a few of the top celebrities who never venture out of doors without some sort of headwear pulled down tight on top of their noggin. But now Silicon Valley boffins have developed a revolutionary computerised process to reveal what they’d look like without their hats on. The program, known as HatGone XP, uses complex algorithms to digitally remove headgear and re-create the tops of the stars’ heads in extreme high definition, revealing once and for all exactly what the stars are hiding under their hats. Here, Viz fashion editor Pirelli Wintour-Thyres take a look at the tonsorial nightmares…

WALK into any pub, office, country music concert or Match of the Day studio in the land and you’ll hear the same old argument time and again: Who is the Greatest Garth? For some, the only answer is guitar-twanging US folk hero GARTH BROOKS , whose toe-tappin’ country ‘n’ western hits have sold countless millions across the globe. For others, the only sensible response would be British journeyman footballer-turned-over excitable pundit GARTH CROOKS , who keeps the nation informed and entertained with his scalpel-sharp soccer analysis. Neutrals will argue that both Garths are of the exact same calibre and it would be foolish to try and decide between them. But these neutrals are cowardly…

Dear Prof Fuck, RECENTLY I had occasion to pass a foul-smelling and particularly adhesive feeshus. After about twenty minutes (and half a roll) of scrupulous wiping, I was finally able to draw an ace. I left the cubicle and went about my business. Some time during the course of the afternoon I started to feel a certain clammy discomfort around the nipsy. When the opportunity presented itself, I withdrew to the chod bin to investigate, only to find that my ring-piece was in a dire and heavily befouled condition. Not to put too fine a point on it, it was liberally caked with shite, despite my earlier diligence. If there is a lacuna in your learned volume for this distressing occurrence, might I suggest the phrase, ‘my arse has…

AS A life-long nut fan, I am sick to death of my favourite snack food constantly being used as a synonym for both insanity and testicles. Nuts have had their reputation blighted for decades by their association with mental illness and scrotums, and I for one refuse to stand for it any longer. I think, from this day forward, anyone using the word 'nuts' to refer to lunacy or genitals should be placed on the sex offenders register and then jailed for life. Oliver Reaction, Chipping Norton I WISH these moaning minnies would stop whinging on about being allergic to peanuts. Just don’t eat the ruddy things. Tarquin Boyles, Hampton I WAS preparing some muesli this morning, when my husband walked in and spotted the 'May Contain Nuts' sticker on…

Q: What’s Hazel Irving’s favourite kind of nut? A: A hazelnut! J Carr, London Q: What’s Alan Brazil’s favourite kind of nut? A: A Brazil nut! F Boyle, Glasgow Q: What’s Pee-wee Herman’s favourite kind of nut? A: A Pee-nut! (Peanut) J Bishop, Liverpool Q: What’s 19th Century US military officer Garret D Wall’s favourite kind of nut? A: A Wall-nut! (Walnut)! E Izzard, London Q: What’s Marc Almond’s favourite kind of nut? A: A Marc-adamia nut! (Macadamia nut) P Kay, Bolton We can’t get enough of YOUR utterly nutty nut jokes! Do keep sending them in to the usual address - every one we print wins a lifetime’s supply of whatever kind of nut was mentioned in the joke.…

“I found myself stood on the towpath with my trousers and pants round my ankles and my unit in my hand” AGRIMSBY man convicted of indecent exposure has accused TV hypnotist Derren Brown of twisting his mind and causing him to commit his offences. Unemployed plasterer’s mate ACTON TRUSSELL, 58, claims that he led an exemplary life until he was hauled on stage at one of Brown’s shows and put into a trance. “I wish I’d never gone to see that man,” says Trussell. “He has ruined my life.” Since his convictions were reported in the local paper, bachelor Trussell has had eggs thrown at his windows, graffiti daubed on his walls and dog excrement smeared on his front door knob by local vigilantes. Now, in a last-ditch effort to…

LEFT-WING political firebrand George Galloway yesterday announced plans to move his famous black hat further to the right. Galloway, 62, currently wears a Fedora hat tilted at an angle of 12.8˚ over his right ear. However, after having consulted a focus group, his advisers have decided that, in the new Post-Brexit political climate, this angle is not quite rakish enough. “They’ve told me to add at least another 5˚ of rake to my trademark titfer, leaving it nearly 18˚ off the horizontal,” Galloway told Russia Today’s Vasily Deferensikov. eden “By the time I’m finished, my hat is going to be more than 3˚ rakisher than the felt Homburg worn by Prime Minister Sir Anthony Eden during the Suez Crisis,” he added. The BBC’s political editor Laura…

TOP BOFFINS are concerned that there may be only HALF as many hats in the universe as previously thought, after a chance experimental result from the CERN Large Hadron Collider indicated a bizarre scientific anomaly. “One of our theoretical physicists accidentally dropped his hat into the particle accelerator whilst leaning over it during an experiment,” said project leader Fiabola Gianotti. “When we checked the results of the experiment, it was impossible to determine with any certainty whether the hat was actually there or not.” hats “Amazing as it seems, we were forced to conclude that the hat was both there and not there at the same time.” “This unexpected result points to the intriguing possibility that half the hats that we previously thought existed, simply don’t,” continued Professor Gianotti D:Ream-keyboardist-turned-TV-atomgazer…

AN ANGRY Egyptian mummy risen from the dead yesterday disrupted a Cumbrian Borough Council meeting, halting proceedings for nearly twenty minutes. The twelve members of Kendal’s Planning & Licensing Committee had just started hearing applications at the Town Hall when the 3,000-year-old re-animated body of late Pharaoh Amen-Hotep III burst in. Town clerk, Betty Dewhurst, had just read out the apologies for absence when the stained glass window behind the mayor’s seat smashed and a sinister figure swathed in bandages lumbered into the council chamber. “It had eyes that glowed like red hot coals and the stench of death and decay was all-pervading,” said a shaken Mrs Dewhurst. tackle Committee chairman Fletcher Raincock immediately got up and unsuccessfully attempted to tackle the interloper, and Mrs Dewhurst, 57, watched with horror…

FORGET trainspotting, stamp collecting and building matchstick models of St Paul’s Cathedral, because DOGGING is now officially Britain’s most popular hobby. That’s right, more of us than ever are gathering in car parks, picnic areas and lay-bys to enjoy the al fresco thrills of group sex with anonymous strangers. Believe it or not, according to a new report 9 out of 10 Britons are either regular doggers, have vaguely heard of dogging, or have sat and watched a few minutes of a seedy late night Channel 5 documentary about dogging before turning over to Quest to see some more South American petrol refineries explode on Destroyed in Seconds . But who does it? How do you do it? And where do you go if you want to…

Dear Nutty Professors, Has anyone ever sent a nut into space? If so, what type was it? And if not, what type would it have been if they had? Agnes Roman-Shell, Chorley Nutty Professor Brian says: They have indeed, Mrs Roman-Shell, so the third part of your question is superfluous. In 1954, the USSR launched its short-lived ‘Soviet Space Nut’ scheme, which sent some walnuts on orbital space flights in order to determine whether larger fruits, such as pineapples or melons, could survive interstellar transit. The very first nut to leave the Earth’s gravitational field was a walnut named ‘Gretzky’ which was blasted into space on May 3rd 1955, reaching a geocentric orbit of 1,300 miles before burning up on re-entry. Dear Nutty Professors, As an avowed atheist,…

YOU’VE been writing in your droves to tell us what sort of nut you think 1970s glam rock band The Sweet would be, if they were a nut. Here’s a selection of the best letters we’ve received this week... IF THE SWEET were a nut, I think they’d probably be a walnut. Because like walnuts, they take a bit of time to get into, but it’s very rewarding once you do! Jebediah Simple, Milton Keynes I’M AFRAID I disagree with Mr Simple (above). I think 1970s glam rock outfit The Sweet would undoubtedly be a coconut - a bit weird-looking and hairy on the outside, but fresh, fun and somewhat exotic on the inside. Although ironically, I agree with his reasoning, ie. the bit about it taking time to…