Innholdsfortegnelse for December 2016 - January 2017 i Viz

DO you reckon all those people who were sent to Hell in the Middle Ages for not eating fish on a Friday are a bit pissed off now that no one gives a shit about that sort of stuff any more? Gustav Fox, Catford I RECENTLY tried to watch the new Louis Theroux documentary about Jimmy Savile on BBC iPlayer and was amused that in order to watch it, they wanted me to confirm I was over 16. A bit late for all that now, isn’t it, Beeb? Sid Beckett, Shipston-On-Stour I’VE been to the zoo quite a few times over the years and I have never seen a monkey having a wank. I’m beginning to think it’s just never going to happen. Paul Cornish, Bristol WHEN I first read…

HARRY POTTER author JK Rowling has announced that the next story in the Harry Potter series will only be available in children’s minds. “I’ve explored the mediums of novels, films and now theatre,” said the popular author. “I wanted to try a radically different method of storytelling and create a Harry Potter tale that was entirely personal for every child.” press At a press conference held at the Grosvenor House Hotel, Ms Rowling explained how children would experience the new story. “Firstly the child, or responsible parent, sends me a cheque for £15 and as soon as I’ve banked the cheque I will provide a receipt and the story can begin,” she told reporters. speech “The child sits on the sofa, or lies on the floor,…

al Tesco adj. Descriptive of the modern, metropolitan, open-air dining experience, whereby gourmands purchase their foodstuffs from a supermarket and consume them whilst walking between social engagements or sitting outside like in Europe. But sat on some pissy steps instead of at a ritzy cafe table by the Trevi Fountain. angel’s kiss n. A botty burp that is so sweet, so tender, and so inoffensive in its piquantly beefy egginess that even one’s better half would smile indulgently at it. backstage pass euph. Permission from the bag for life to access all areas. between worlds adj. Said of an alloy welder who is not sure if they have gone fully over to the other side. Also half rice half chips, ambisextrous, army and navy. bingo ninja…

SNAP   THE SHAPE of 2020’s cracker may look reassuringly familiar, but from the moment you pull it, the differences become clear – starting with the initial ‘snap!’. Thanks to strict health & safety regulations, the explosive cardboard splint has been replaced with a tiny electronic microchip. When the cracker is pulled, this sends a signal via Bluetooth to your mobile phone, activating an ‘app’ which makes a snapping sound. To accurately recreate the effect of a real cracker, the chip has been programmed to not go off in about a quarter of the crackers in the box. MOTTO   EVERYONE’S favourite part of the cracker is the corny joke inside, and rest assured in the year 2020 these quips – albeit updated to reflect the scientific and technological advances…

BALDIES. Increase you self-esteem by wearing a swimming cap at your local pool. People will assume you need it because you have a voluminous head of lustrous hair beneath. Tommy Billiardball, Hull RECREATE the thrill of The Great British Bake Off by serving up a slice of Battenburg to an ungrateful, fussy scouser and a random pensioner under a gazebo. Iain Devenney, Oxford A THIN wire mesh baked into a Rich Tea biscuit will stop it falling into your hot beverage when dunked. John Schwartz-Holford, London PEDANTIC, traffic-conscious love-makers. Do not romantically mention that you are “just coming up to the Billy Mill Roundabout” as you reach the hights of passion, as North Tyneside Council and the Highways Agency have replaced it with a traffic light cluster fuck system. Col…

GREAT BRITAIN’S World War II trophy, stolen last month in a raid on the Tower of London, has been discovered in north London... by a DOG! Branston, a 3-year-old Sealeyham terrier, found the eight-inch high cup in a hedge whilst out walking with his owner in Camden. “He did a bob in a hedge, and when he turned round to sniff it, he found the cup,” said owner Hampton Plywood. taken The trophy which was taken from its display case in the Tower of London was awarded to Sir Winston Churchill by the United Nations at the end of the war. Experts believe it could be worth as much as £800 on the black market. Reacting to the news, Prime Minister Theresa May said it was wonderful news.…

THE 50 MILLION men who died of Spanish Flu during the 1918-19 outbreak didn’t have the flu at all, just a bad cold, says academic harridan Germaine Greer. Speaking at the Hay-on-Wye Literary Festival, the Australian feminist, 77, told her audience: “Whilst the 50 million female victims of the H1N1 virus definitely had the Spanish flu, they didn’t make a fuss. They simply got on with it and died.” “In contrast, all the men just had a bad cold and were making a big song and dance about nothing,” she said. “If they’d really had the Spanish flu, they would have known about it, let me tell you.”…

Dear Roger, ON PAGE 381 of your book R oger’s Profansiaurus - Das Krapital, the term “NSFW” is defined as follows: “1. abbrev. Internet warning that the content being linked to is Not Safe For Work. 2. abbrev. Internet warning that the content being linked to is safe for work. Not Suitable For Wanking.” However, I would like to suggest a third use, as an abbreviation for a foolproof post-hangover cure: Nurofen. Shit. Food. Wank. Kindly amend your records accordingly. Matthew Harvey, Ipad Dear Roger, IN THE LAST issue of Viz, the word “pokestop” was defined as “1. n. A physical location where players of the Pokemon game are able to “catch” characters. 2. n. A physical location to which a person goes for a frantic scuttle, eg. The “love…

THE MANAGING director of the UK’s biggest cracker company is once again bracing himself for a disastrous January, as sales of his product are once again set to slump. “I just don’t understand it,” says Sir Tom Merry of Merry’s Christmas Crackers of Church Stretton. “This happens every single year. We have a fantastic December, with business booming and our Christmas crackers flying off the shelves as quick as we can make them.” “Then in the new year our order books are suddenly completely empty. It’s very perplexing,” he told us. “Between the start of January and the end of November, every single cracker that comes off our production line ends up going in a skip because we simply can’t sell it.” fluctuations Sir Tom is at a loss to…

A MAN who claimed he was ‘too busy’ to send Christmas cards this year, and would instead donate money to a good cause is in hiding after receiving death threats and a barrage of internet abuse. Barry Carbondale told his Facebook followers: “Being really crap this year. Just too busy to do cards so will donate to charity instead. Hope that’s alright and that you all have a good one. Ho ho ho. Barry.” But friends and colleagues who read the post were immediately suspicious. “Something didn’t ring true,” said one work colleague. “It all seemed a little vague. He said he’d donated something to charity, but how much? And which one? It could be a charity for racist dogs, or firemen against lesbians, or something,” she continued. Barry’s sister-in-law…

BACK IN OCTOBER, the dramatic news that Kumbuka the gorilla had escaped from London Zoo shocked the world for nearly five minutes. The capital was gripped with panic as the enraged seven-foot, forty-stone beast smashed his way into the secure keepers’ area of his enclosure for a drink of Ribena. Fortunately, before he was able to go on a murderous rampage on the streets of London, flattening people with his anvil-sized fists, tearing terrified passers-by limb from limb with the strength of ten men and tossing their limp bodies aside like rag dolls, Kumbuka was tranquilised and recaptured. The zoo’s well-practised emergency procedures worked well this time and no visitors were endangered, but next time they may not be quite so lucky. We asked some of Britain’s best-loved celebrities and…

‘‘I’m surprised she didn’t wake the whole cul-de-sac with her relentless screams of sexual ecstasy as I brought her off.” FORGET the stockings, sprouts and sleigh bells – nothing truly says “Christmas is here” like the sweet sound of carol singers on the doorstep. The ancient British tradition of entertaining the neighbours with a medley of Yuletide hymns has made the holiday season special for centuries. And one man who’s certainly helping to keep this jovial pastime alive is 63-year-old bachelor MELVIN GAVISCON. Morbidly obese Melvin has been warbling festive songs door-to-door in his Tamworth cul-de-sac every Christmas for the past twenty years. But while most wassailers are treated to just a warm glass of mulled wine or a mince pie, during his carol-singing career Melvin has enjoyed FULL SEXUAL…

THERESA May last night told Britain’s cracker makers that they would soon be free to put as much explosives as they liked in their products. At the moment, Brussels red tape limits the amount of volatile chemicals in a cracker to just 3mg – enough to produce a pathetically feeble snap when pulled. But, said the Prime Minister, following the UK’s planned hard Brexit in 2019, manufacturers would be free to pack their crackers with as much punch as they liked. “Post Brexit Christmasses are really going to go with a bang,” the weary-looking Premier told delegates at the UK Christmas Novelty Industry dinner at the Mansion House, London. And manufacturers at the event confirmed they were already working on hugely more powerful cracker bang-strips. crackers “If you think crackers…

1978 A 17-year-old Jeremy Clarkson punches his grandmother in the mouth after being offered cold turkey sandwiches for his Christmas Day tea. 1838 Against the wishes of her husband Prince Albert, Queen Victoria invites her half brother to spend Christmas Day at Buckingham Palace. Albert becomes increasingly annoyed as Carl, 3rd Prince of Leiningen drinks all his claret, talks far too loudly at the dinner table and puts what he wants to listen to on the polyphonic music box. When he finally leaves on Boxing Day, Albert warns that if he comes next year, he will spend Christmas with his brother Ernst August Karl Johann Leopold Alexander Eduard in Saxe-Coburg-Saalfeld. 2015 The Reverend Arthur Colefax of St Winfield’s Church in Peterborough, wins the prestigious ‘Most Tortuous Christmas Sermon’ award from…

A MAN on the social media network Facebook thoroughly enjoyed a meal, it emerged yesterday. Brian Crevice, 44, had a meal of lasagne with a green salad followed by a slice of Viennetta and was so impressed by it that he immediately issued a statement on Facebook. “Lasagne and Viennetta for tea. Om-nom-nom,” he announced to his 24 friends. The statement was accompanied by three photographs, one of the lasagne, one of the Viennetta and a blurred picture of a human being, thought to be Brian’s wife Laura, who is understood to be the architect of the meal. Reaction to the meal was swift and positive with Crevice’s statement garnering 7 likes and 4 comments. “Looks lovely,” commented Brian’s stepbrother Barry. “Jealous. Just toast toppers for me,” said family friend…