Innholdsfortegnelse for August 2016 i Viz

•I RECKON piranha fish wouldn’t be half as dangerous if they didn’t always go around mob-handed. If you ask me, they’re always so hungry because there’s too many of them going after the one meal all at the same time. If they split up and got themselves a bit better organised, like the way that only a certain number of schoolkids are allowed into a supermarket at any one time type of thing, then they wouldn’t be nearly so dangerous, I reckon. Wellington Boot, Harpendon • MY grandad was always telling me “A hard day’s work never did anybody any harm,” and yet he never stopped banging on about his time in a Japanese prisoner of war camp building some railway line, or whatever. Frank Dayglow, Leeds   •GEORGE Orwell…

SAVE crumbs from the toaster caught in the tray and use them in the summer months as a substitute for hundreds and thousands on the kids’ ice creams. James Kilpatrick, Whitby UNICYCLISTS. Calculate the distance you travel by counting the number of times one of your legs goes down and multiplying it by the diameter of your wheel. Then multiple the number you get by 3.142. Bicyclists can use the same technique, but remember to divide the answer by 2. Emyr, Abergavenny STAYING in a posh hotel and not sure which is the bidet and which is the toilet? Simply drop a log in both and flush. The one in which it disappears is the toilet and you should stick to that one in future. The log you left in…

16TH CENTURY SAGE and astrologer Nostradamus is famous for his visions of the future. In Les Propheties , a volume of quatrain verses published in 1555, he predicted with astonishing precision such historic events as the Great Fire of London, the rise of Adolf Hitler and the assassination of John F Kennedy hundreds of years before they came to pass. And now a Derbyshire father of six has been revealed as a real-life Nostradamus of the twenty-first century. Unemployed former shoe repairer Barry Longcake of Mickleover says that, just like his ancient French predecessor, he has the power to see into the future. And in a remarkable series of harbingers and portents, he has predicted…

JANUARY 17th 1942 was a momentous day in the history of boxing. For January 17 th  1942 was the day that Muhammad Ali was born, to a humble sign-painter and his humble wife, in a humble clapboard house in the humble town of Louisville in the humble state of Kentucky. (can’t find thesaurus - subs drop in different words for humble). But even from those humble beginnings, Muhammad Ali rose to become the greatest boxer the world has ever seen. But Muhammad Ali wasn’t wasn’t merely the greatest boxer the world has ever seen. He was also the greatest poet the world has ever seen. For Ali could write sonnets that would have made Shakespeare weep. Iambic pentameters that would of shamed Keats, Shelley and Byron. And his limericks…

THE QUEEN married Prince Philip in 1947. Their famously strong marriage has endured through seven turbulent decades. But now, with her majesty falling for Robson Green’s glib garden party patter, cracks are beginning to show in their seven-decade relationship. We asked constitutional expert Dr David Starkey : What would be the consequences of a reigning monarch throwing her marriage away to shack up with a randy Geordie jobbing actor? ‘‘ The monarchy is an extraordinary resilient institution. The case of Henry VIII shows that the sovereign state can easily survive the breakup of a ruler’s marriage. Divorcing two Queens and beheading two more proved no barrier to Henry becoming one of the longest-serving Kings in British history. But never before has a ruling Queen been the one to break…

THE Variety Club of Great Britain has announced that it is slashing the celebrity death rate for the third quarter of 2016, capping it at an all-time low figure of three quarters of 1%. The drastic move follows the highly inflated star mortality numbers experienced during the first three months of this year, which saw the deaths of an unprecedented number of high profile showbiz figures. “January to April saw an unprecedented spike in the celebrity death rate,” Variety Club chief executive Gladstone Buttifant told reporters. “It was an unsustainable level of loss, so we decided to step in and act before the situation got out of hand.” cap Although news of the cap has been welcomed by show-business fans worried at the prospect of even more of their favourite…

FUN-LOVING, gregarious woman in her 60s seeks electric or stovetop kettle for fast, effective water boiling. No timewasters or saucepans. Reply BOX 17. DYNAMIC, witty, professional gentleman, 43, urgently seeks plastic, metal or clear glass kettle with a view to potentially making cups of tea, Pot Noodles and who knows what else? If interested, reply BOX 4. PRETTY blonde college graduate, 5’5”, Virgo, non-smoker, looking for the right kettle, but has been hurt before. Reply BOX 22. I AM a successful, adventurous 52-year-old man with a passion for heating liquids quickly. You are a 14-inch high kitchen appliance designed to boil water in a short space of time. Let’s hook up now - why wait? Reply BOX 13. IN MY ELEMENT. There’s loads of hard limescale stuck round my insides.…

VICARS have a reputation for being serious, sombre and humourless fuddy-duddies. But here at Viz, we want to dispel that unfair and outdated myth by showing that some members of the clergy like a laugh just like normal people. Is this you? Are YOU a member of the clergy who reads Viz and likes a bit laugh and carry-on? We’re launching a nationwide search for Britain’s Most Chucklesome Cleric . To enter, simply pop up your belfry in your full God-bothering attire, put on a big grin and snap a selfie. Every genuine vicar who sends us a picture will win one of these exclusive badges to wear with pride at Weddings, Christenings and Funerals. And the Rev who sends us the smiliest selfie will get a…

IN the last issue, Danny Volume asked readers to keep an eye out for his auntie’s ACME Thunderer referee’s whistle which she dropped overboard whilst on the Newcastle to Bergen ferry in 1954. And the sightings have flooded in... •I AM serving aboard the submarine HMS Vigilant and after reading Danny Volume’s touching letter I kept my eyes peeled for his Auntie’s ACME Thunderer referee’s whistle. Last week while I was on periscope watch I actually spotted it on the sea bed, next to a crab. However, as Vigilant forms part of Britain’s nuclear deterrent, only the Captain and Navigator are allowed to know our exact position and not even the Prime Minister knows where we are. So all I can say is it was somewhere between England and Norway.…

‘‘ My house used to be haunted by a banshee, and what with all its wailing and scratching at the bedroom door, I only used to get about four hours of sleep a night. Now, thanks to the Viz Ghost Bust-a-Matic, I banished it in under a minute. Bish-bash-bosh! Job done. ”Mrs B., Essex ‘‘ For years, my husband and I were plagued by ghosts of Henry VIIIs with his head under his arm. Not any more, and it’s all thanks to the Viz Viz Ghost Bust-a-Matic! ”Dr B., Northumberland ARE YOU being kept awake by ghosties and ghoulies and things that go bump in the night? The UK is the world’s most haunted country, with an estimated 6 spooks or more for every man, woman and…

DECEMBER 4th 1992 was a momentous day in the life of Muhammad Ali. For that was the day that the greatest boxer the world has ever seen, met me, Pierce Dorgan. I was born to a humble stockbroking family in a modest, 8-bedroom detached shack on the lower east side of Kingston-upon-Thames. But even from these lowly beginnings, I was from an early age destined for greatness. As a young child I showed remarkable prowess. I was a precocious talent. I had charm, good looks, charisma. And above all that, I had a determination to succeed in spite of all the odds. So it was that in December 1992, I found myself at the pinnacle of my powers, the youngest editor the Sun’s Bizarre column had ever known. And it…

THE ESSEX town of Chelmsford was given a boost yesterday when it was announced that its status was to be upgraded to ‘crap’ from ‘fucking crap.’ And the news was greeted with delight by members of the local council. “This is terrific news,” Alderman Simon Brakeshaft told the Chelmsford Clarinet and Advertiser. “Being fucking crap has long been a handicap to Chelmsford when trying to attract new businesses and tourism to the area.” “Now that we’re officially crap, we’re looking forward to a boost in visitors, particularly those who come here with staggeringly low expectations,” he added. The upgrade was achieved following last month’s announcement that the town was to see the opening of a Wagamamas. This, coupled with a recently built craft ale pub, was enough to allow Chelmsford…

beating eggs n. A charmingly lyrical evocation of the sound made by a lady washing her parts of shame with soap whilst squatting in the shower. bee’s bollocks phr. The dog’s knees. ‘For more than 95 years, Bentley has created exceptional automobiles in constant pursuit of the exquisite, the powerful and the individual. And today’s line-up is now joined by the Bentayga, a vehicle that really is the bee’s bollocks, taking exquisite refinement into new territory, challenging preconceptions of what a luxury sports utility vehicle can be.’ bird’s eye view n. Your girlfriend or bag for life’s totally objective opinion of your many wrongdoings, based upon impartial evidence gathered from her entirely dispassionate perspective. bogstopper n. A Richard the third so humungous that the shitpot has…

A DEPARTMENT in Tennent & Lowe Solutions Ltd has seen a 60% reduction in fridge-based crime after one woman took a stand by pinning up a stridently discouraging note in the kitchen. Team manager Eleanor Gay has to use a special kind of yoghurt for improved digestive transit. But over the past few weeks, Ms Gay discovered that a light-fingered colleague at the Oswestry-based consultancy business had been helping themselves to her midmorning snack from the staffroom fridge. fridge Following repeated thefts, Ms Gay decided to inform her line manager about the situation. “I went straight to the top and told Mr Lowe,” she told co-worker Eileen Driscoll, 51. “I told him that someone had been having it away with my special yoghurt for improved digestive transit.” Ms Gay continued:…

1 THE WORD ‘kettle’ is actually derived from the word ‘cattle’, for the simple reason that cows were used as water boiling devices in the Stone Age. Primitive man would pour water into a cow’s mouth, before lighting a roaring fire under the unfortunate animal’s belly, waiting three or four minutes, and then pumping the boiling hot water out through its udders. 2 THE OLDEST kettle in existence dates back to 1323BC. The 14-inch ceramic water-boiling device was discovered inside the tomb of Ancient Egyptian Pharaoh Tutankhamun, who was renowned for his love of hot beverages. Archaeologists believe that it was placed there so the boy king could enjoy a nice cup of tea, or perhaps some quick ‘n’ easy noodle dishes in the afterlife. 3 IN THE northern hemisphere,…

• WHENEVER I buy a car, the salesman tells me it’s a ‘lovely little motor.’ When it breaks down, however, the mechanic tell me what a heap of shit it is, and how it’s going to cost a packet. I don’t know who to believe. Do I win a £5 to help fix my car? Phil Rhind, Newcastle * Better than that, Mr Rhind, this month’s Star Letter wins a five pound note... with a brand new car fastened to it with an elastic band! Your fiver and BMW 5 series are in the post and will be with you soon, unless the postman steals them, which, let’s face it, is extremely likely.…

IT’S the great debate that’s splitting the country down the middle: Should men be allowed to dry their bollocks using changing room hairdryers? Everyone has an opinion on this most divisive of topics, but who is right? We asked two of Britain’s most eminent thinkers – Oxford evolutionary biologist PROFESSOR RICHARD DAWKINS and Archbishop of York DR JOHN SENTAMU – to examine both sides of the argument from their very different perspectives. PROFESSOR RICHARD DAWKINS OUR HUMAN SPECIES is around 100,000 years old - a mere blink of the eye in evolutionary terms - and it is our large brains and our ability to reason that have set us apart from the other animals. Indeed, from the moment that the first Neanderthal used a sharpened flint…

EEK! It’s a fucking...! After the Ghost Bust-a-Matic interface is stuck to the box, cut out and remove the ghost nomenclature window (GNW - top), the ghost identification window (GIW -centre) and the ghost busting information window (GBIW - bottom). Here’s how to BUST IT! HOW TO USE: As soon as a spectre manifests itself in front of you, point your Viz Ghost Bust-a-Matic at it and wind the vertical knob until a picture of it appears in the identification screen and refer to Yvette’s speech balloon to discover the type of phantom you are dealing with. Now, turn the horizontal knob until the name of your ghost and instructions for how to deal with it appear in the ghost busting information window. It’s time to bust your ghost! INSTRUCTIONS…

BUCKINGHAM PALACE insiders have voiced concern that Geordie actor ROBSON GREEN may be attempting to woo the Queen, and that as a result, her famously strong seven-decade marriage to the Duke of Edinburgh may be heading for the rocks. Green, 51, who shot to fame after starring in ITV drama Soldier Soldier , is said to have turned on the charm after being introduced to her majesty at a recent garden party. “The pair hit it off immediately,” commented Ingrid Ffartsucker, editor of royalwatchers’ bible Majesty. “The Queen seemed very taken with Robson. The body language was obvious for all to see. They chatted for several minutes and she even gave him her phone number, scribbled on a beermat.” In the following days,…

Dear Prof Fuck, MY NEW girlfriend is absolutely filthy. Since we started going out a couple of weeks ago, we have done it everywhere, including in the bogs on the Wolverhampton to Cardiff National Express coach, in a taxi queue outside the train station in Newport and in a bunker on Redditch golf course. And when I say “done it”, I mean had sex. Is there a term, I was wondering, to describe such an insatiable nymphomaniac? Other than nymphomaniac, obviously. Sandy Johnson, Wales • Indeed there is. If you refer to page 108, of Roger’s Profanisaurus - Hail Sweary (Dennis Publishing, £9.99), you will see the expression “Martini girl” defined as follows: “euph. A woman of easy affections. A trullion, slapper or bike; from the tagline of the popular Vermouth…

Hi guys, JOHN NETTLES here. When I’m not busy pretending to be a curmudgeonly provincial police officer, you can usually find me bending some poor bugger’s ear about kettles! That’s right, I absolutely adore these iconic water-boiling kitchen appliances, and judging by the size of my Nettles on Kettles postbag, you lot are pretty keen on them, too. Anyway, the anticipation is now more than I can “handle” (like a kettle handle), so let’s lift the “lid” (kettle lid) and see what you’ve all been writing “a-spout”! (Cross between “about” and “spout”, like the spout of a kettle). Cheers! John x I ABSOLUTELY love kettles and I despise anything that’s not to do with them. My favourite crisps are Kettle Chips, my favourite weight lifting equipment is kettle bells, my…

I HAD to sigh sentimentally at something my 55-year-old grandson Stuart said the other day. He came running up to me, fast as his little legs could carry him, and said, “Granny, Granny, do you remember back in the Seventies how we’d boil the kettle to make those Vesta Curries which we all thought were the height of culinary sophistication?” I had forgotten all about that, so it was nice to be reminded of it. Mrs Ada Maconie, Merseyside I HAD to gaze wistfully into the middle distance at something my 59-year-old grandson Paul said the other day. He stood up at the dinner table, bold as brass, and said, “Do you remember back in the Seventies how we’d boil the kettle to make those Kellogg’s Super Noodles which we…