Innholdsfortegnelse for June - July 2016 i Viz

•I PAID 9p today, for a single red onion. That price presumably includes overheads, transport costs, and profit margins for everybody involved in getting it out of the ground and onto the supermarket shelf. There can’t have been much in it for them. If I were a farmer, I’d make big expensive tellys instead. Andrew Hussey, Gainsborough • ABOUT a year ago I made an off-the-cuff comment to my wife that the quality of her cooking had slipped a little. Imagine how stupid I felt when I found out that she was plotting to kill me with the help of a friend of mine who she had been shagging behind my back. I discovered their plan and now they are both behind bars. I hope my friend stays there for…

WE’VE ALL wondered what it would be like to be a lute-plucking pop arsehole. But if you were suddenly transformed into one, how would you spend 24 hours? We rounded up four of the planet’s best-loved megastars and asked them one simple question: what would YOU do if you were STING for a day? Peter North, cumshot icon Being Sting for a day would be a total disaster for me. I earn my crust by ejaculating - the more pop shots I perform, the more cash I collect. As such, being suddenly and inexplicably transformed into a Tantric sex guru, who can take up to TEN HOURS to achieve orgasm, would represent a serious dent in my finances. On the plus side,…

BRITAIN is the black market capital of the world, with billions of pounds worth of ‘dodgy’ goods being sold every year on street corners, behind pubs and under tables. Everything from cigarettes to watches, from perfume to pirate DVDs can all be bought with no VAT and no questions asked. But while a black market economy is bad for Britain, costing the exchequer billions in lost tax revenues each year, not everyone is suffering. Because the country’s spiv coat manufacturing industry is reporting record profits. Sales of the loose, belted coats with dozens of inside pockets are at their highest for 50 years, according to Rent-on Carstairs, CEO of Carstairs Fashions, who specialise in gents’ spiv outfitting. “We produce a wide range of multi-inner pocket coats in a variety of…

“ HI. HARDE CASHE here. Now I’ve made loads of money by putting my cock into women’s fannies, but I’ve made even more by putting that money where the Inland Revenue can’t get it. And while I often stick my cock in a shaven haven, one of the safest places I’ve found to stick my cash is an Offshore Tax Haven. We’ve all heard of them, but what exactly are they? Well, they are a legitimate means by which you can lower your tax liability. They are very complicated, but let me explain simply. Imagine I ran a pizza shop in the UK, and one night I delivered some pizzas to three women having a slumber party. They’d invite me in and strip naked and I’d have oral sex with…

Short-Sighted Taxmen Costing UK Dear ~report TAX avoidance is estimated to cost the Treasury a fortune each year, with companies such as Amazon, Starbucks and Google coughing up a paltry pittance in tax despite raking in billions of profit. And, according to a new report put out by an independent think tank, Inland Revenue tax inspectors are powerless to act because they literally can’t see what’s going on right under their noses. “Over 82% of tax inspectors wear glasses,” the report’s author Dr Chedwyn Buttifant told us. “Even if they squint really hard through their thick geps, they still can’t see the loopholes that big businesses are blatantly exploiting to dodge tax.” Dr Buttifant, head of the influential Adam Ricketts Institute, called for a radical re-think of recruitment policy at…

a good shit would kill him/her exclam. Said of someone who is as thin as a vegan’s dog. anusthetic n. A type of knockout gas. area 51 1. n. A secret facility within Nevada’s Edwards Air Force Base, where the US authorities store all the crashed flying saucers from outer space and the bodies of aliens and that. It’s true. 2. n. A mysterious region of the female anatomy to which access is extremely limited. aspect ratio, change in. A person’s sideways enlargement due to weight gain, eg. From 4:3 to 16:9. ‘Christ, look at this picture of Val Kilmer as he looks now. That’s quite a change in aspect ratio since he did Top Gun, isn’t it?’ auditors in, have the euph. A stockbrokers’ version…

MILLIONS of fans have been left devastated after One Direction revealed they’ll be taking a twenty-minute hiatus to “squeeze one out” this evening. Band member Niall Horan told reporters that it might even take him five minutes longer. “I’ve eaten a three bananas today, so your guess is as good as mine,” he said. “Also, I’m about two-thirds into a good book, so I’ll probably reach the end of the chapter before I start wiping, even after my log’s been pinched off.” The band’s legions of followers were inconsolable at the news, storming social media to express their concern. One posted: “25 mins!?! :( Can’t they just wear nappies?!?!” Another wrote: “If only 1D ate more prunes I cud stop crying. Does the drama neva end???” However, others managed to…

THE UNTIMELY DEATH of the Artist Formerly Known as Prince at the tragically young age of 57 has left a purple, pint-sized hole in all our hearts. We went out on the streets to ask members of the great British public to name their favourite Prince song, and tell us what memories it evokes of the late Paisley Park popster... ...“I was a milkman for forty years, and my favourite Prince track would have to be Cream from his 1991 album Diamonds and Pearls. I used to sing it to myself when I was making my rounds, and the line “Cream, get on top” always used to make me laugh, because the cream does indeed rise to the top as its higher fat content means that…

THE STARS of hit nineties sitcom FRIENDS are living high on the hog courtesy of the lax British benefits system, it has been revealed. The US actors, who still pocket seven figure salaries a dozen years after the final episode aired, claim a variety of generous handouts from the UK authorities. “I’ll be there for you,” sang THE REMBRANDTS in the famous theme song to the top-rated show that made them all rich. But it seems that these days it’s hard-working British taxpayers who are there for this bunch of shameless millionaire scroungers. COURTENEY COX Age................................................................................... 51Estimated personal wealth ............................... $100 millionHousing Benefit claimed ..................................£68.50/week DESPITE OWNING a 250-acre ranch in her home state of Alabama, a plush Malibu beach house and…

THE UK’S jobbing builders are increasingly eschewing cheque and credit card payments and insisting on cash, according to a new report. But contrary to what you might think, it’s not an attempt to hide their profits from the tax authorities. “It’s a simple matter of convenience,” says Nobby Gatepost, head of the UK Federation of Cash Only Builders. “If a customer pays me in folding notes, I can tuck it straight into my pocket where it’s nice and safe and ready to be put through the books and declared as income when I get home. A cheque, on the other hand, could easily blow away in the wind or get torn when I’m clambering round on some scaffolding. Or I could simply lose it or drop it into a cement…

BRITAIN’S TAX LAWS are the most complicated in the world. It’s unlikely that anyone, even a tax accountant, is familiar with every clause and sub clause of the 20,000, closely typed pages that set out all the rules. And to complicate the problem, the rules are constantly changing as threshold levels are changed, old loopholes are closed and new ones are opened. Tax avoidance - playing the system to minimise your tax bill - is perfectly legal. Tax evasion - breaking the rules to hide your money from the taxman - is a criminal offence. But with such a complicated system, it’s easy to unwittingly fall foul of the rules and find yourself on the wrong side of the law. So follow our simple Path of Truth to discover…

THE NEWS that the Artist Formally Known as Prince Rogers Nelson aka (that stands for “also known as” so it’s 3 words. And 3 is a word as well even though it’s a numeral. And that apostrophe s stands for “is” too) Prince had been found dead at his Paisley Park compound, I cried and I cried and I cried. But it wasn’t like when doves cry, it was like when a man cry. This man. Me. Myself. I. Crying and crying and crying.The tears poured out of my eyes like rain. But it wasn’t purple rain, it was see-through rain. A see-through rain of despair and sadness at a young life cruelly cut short in its prime. Enough rain of despair and sadness at a young life cruelly cut…

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THE LEAK of the so-called “Panama Papers” - damning secret documents revealing the myriad ways that the mega-rich use offshore havens to shield their fortunes from the Inland Revenue - recently brought the topic of tax evasion to the fore. Top celebrities including a galaxy of household names suddenly found their dubious dealings coming under intense public scrutiny. Following several carefully worded denials, even Prime Minister DAVID CAMERON was eventually forced to admit that he too had benefitted by stashing his millions in a ‘shady’ offshore scheme run by his late father. But despite dominating the headlines, celebrities’ tax shenanigans are small beer compared to the wholesale fiddling perpetrated by the man in the street. For it seems that every one of us is on the take, playing fast and…

ED SHEERAN, GINGER MUSICIAN, 25 BEST INVESTMENT I BOUGHT a wheel of cheese at my local cash’n’carry. It was £20, which seemed like a lot of money at the time, but when I went to my local supermarket, slices of the same cheese were selling for £2.80 each. You could easily have got thirty slices out of my wheel, so I was quids in. WORST INVESTMENT I SPENT £2 million on a restaurant - Ed’s Diner - twenty feet from the lip of the crater on Mount St Helens. Two days after the grand opening, the volcano went off and that was that. TRACEY ULLMAN, FORMER COMEDIAN, 56 BEST INVESTMENT WHEN I was in America, I bought a rusty Lincoln convertible for $10 at a yard sale. I only got…

Major tax loophole for spaceman Tim NOBODY likes paying t a x , a n d m a n y people go to great lengths to avoid having to hand over their hard-earned dosh to the Inland Revenue. But one British man has gone further than anyone else… by going into SPACE! Because the atmosphere 40 miles above the Earth’s surface is not only gravity-free, it’s also tax-free. Astronaut TIM PEAKE made the headlines last year when he became the first Briton to step aboard the International Space Station. But what didn’t make the news was that he would not be charged any tax or national insurance on his £258.67 per week salary for the duration of his inter-galactic mission. space “Working in space, Major Peake…

“I’ve topped vermin for the biggest stars around,” says A-List exterminator Basil Posh Begged Me to ‘Becks-terminate’ Seagull ...if you wannabe my ‘ lover... that can be arranged, she said, slipping out of her silky nightgown... ‘Hard Man’ Kemp Shat It off Mini Mouse IT’S EVERY homeowner’s worst nightmare. You return from a hard day’s graft to find evidence of verminous creatures prowling your property. From bedbugs and birds to rodents and roaches, feral pests stalk Britain’s kitchens, bedrooms and bathrooms day and night, soiling our clean surfaces, nibbling our wiring and crapping in our cornflakes packets. But take heart. It’s not just the ordinary man in the street who is plagued by these nuisance animals - the biggest stars of stage and screen also find their luxury homes prey…

ROBOTICISTS from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology showcased a breakthrough in artificial inteligence last week after choosing London’s annual Information Technology conference to unveil the first robotic twat. Guests were treated to an ultra-believable display of twattishness from the android, including a Michael McIntyre stand-up routine and a rendition of Gangnam Style. annoying “It was amazing,” said one attendee. “The android even looked like a twat. I wanted to kick in its annoying, metal face.” However, MIT roboticist Dirk Diggler insisted it was still in the early stages of development. “So far the robotic twat has the ability talk through films and then give away the ending, but our aim is to have people all over the world calling it a twat,” he said. “Programming it to present TV shows…