Innholdsfortegnelse for April 2016 i Viz

• GENE Roddenberry is credited as being one of the foremost scientific visionaries of his generation. Whilst Star Trek was a ground breaking series and ideas such as phasers, hyperspace travel and voice-activated computers were way ahead of their time, why was the captain called Jim, the doctor, Len and the nurse Christine? They’re hardly space-aged names. Where was Kanye, Brooklin and Shaniqua? Come on Gene, this has made the whole thing rather unbelievable for me. Donna Kebab, Lands End • FOR all his big talk, how come Professor Brian Cox didn’t discover Gravitational Waves? Bit less fannying around on telly and being in pop groups and he might have done. The same goes for that “Dr” Brian May. Tchoh! Galileo Figaro, Canterbury • THEY say good things come to…

TERRORIST group ISIS will not be granted ISO 9001 certification after failing a recent management audit. Western governments have hailed the news as a decisive blow against the so-called ‘new caliphate.’ “This will really strike at the heart of ISIS,” said Defence Secretary Michael Fallon. “ISO 9001 certification is the baseline for any credible organisation which tests and audits the management procedures and structure within a company. Without it, ISIS are going to look pretty foolish.” report “Their report was pretty poor, if I’m honest,” said one of the ISIS auditors who wished to remain anonymous. “Their corporate planning system was non-existent. It was just a cave with loads of scraps of paper with instructions to ‘blow things up’ and ‘hate everyone’,” he said. “Their system…

10 At dawn on April 1st 1536, Henry VIII woke his wife Anne Boleyn and told her that she had been found guilty of Treason and Incest, and was to be executed that very morning. The unsuspecting Queen fell for the ruse hook, line and sinker, and Henry kept the joke going right until the moment the executioner’s axe fell on her neck. As Anne’s head landed in the basket, the King cried out “April Fool!”, and all his courtiers pointed at her and laughed. However, the joke was on Henry, for the beheading was delayed, and actually took place at one minute after midday, when it no longer counted. 9 On April 1st 1937, as the giant Zeppelin the Hindenburg approached her mooring at the Lakehurst Naval Air Station,…

EVERYBODY knew Terry Wogan . He was the comforting voice on the radio on many a winter’s morning. The twinkling Irish brogues of the King of the Blarney Stone will be missed by millions. But I will miss him more than anyone, because I knew him personally, in a way that nobody else did. For more than anything, Terry Wogan was my friend. A friend who I knew personally and who actually spoke to me on many occasions. Indeed, I had his home number on my phone. I could have rung him up at any time and said: “Hello Terry, it’s Pierce,” and he wouldn’t have said: “Pierce who?” like he would have done if a normal member of the public had rang him up. He knew…

and the thunderball is exclam. Chucklesome pre-trump announcement. Also our survey said; please hold for the president; listen to this, too good to miss, da-da da-da da. barsed, can’t be euph. Somewhere between not being arsed and not having the balls to do something. ‘That big man just called me a slag, Rupert. If you were any sort of a man you’d defend my honour.’ ‘I’m sorry love, but I simply can’t be barsed.’ big dame hunting n. A night out on safari in the hopes of bagging a big-boned trophy. bulldog with its head out of a car window n. A dauntingly oversized, drooling clopper that’s blowing in the wind. changing one’s ringtone n. Anal bleaching. chav droppings n. Paper cups, polystyrene burger…

“Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg here. Oops, Hi sorry, former leader. The leader’s that other bloke now, isn’t it, whatshisname. Anyway, now I’m not a political party leader any more, I’ve got plenty of time to pursue my hobbies and interests. And one thing I’m particularly interested in is DOGS’ EGGS. Which is just as well, as I had plenty of the ruddy things pushed through my letterbox when I formed that coalition government. Christ they took some clearing up, I can tell you. Anyway, judging by my mailbag, it looks like Viz readers are as “barking” mad about these offensive little parcels as I am. So without further “adoo-doo”, let’s have a look at some of the best canine kak correspondence…

1 The Ancient Egyptians worshipped dogs as sacred creatures, and as such, their highest form of currency was none other than... the dog turd. Believe it or not, in Cairo circa-3000BC, one barker's egg was equivalent to a £100 note in today's British money. Smaller denominations of currency were represented by items that were similar to dog shit, but not quite as good - such as cat shit or bird shit. 2 The Battle of Bosworth Field in 1485 marked the beginning of more than a century of Tudor reign in England. However, it nearly didn't happen at all... because of dog shit. The notorious battle was originally meant to take place at nearby Osbaston Field, a popular area amongst Plantagenet-time dog walkers. But when the Houses of Lancaster and…

JUST imagine being a famous short-arse and then waking up one morning to discover you’d been granted 24 hours of tallness! We asked four pint-sized megastars how THEY would spend the day if they were suddenly average height or above. Tom Cruise, small actor Not being pint-sized for 24 hours would be a nightmare for me, as all my stuff is designed for someone of minuscule stature. I would no longer be able to fit in my trailer, which is the size of a large breadbin, so I’d have to eat lunch in the cafeteria with all the extras and crew. Plus, all the planes you see me flying or blowing up or jumping off in films are Airfix models, so I’d have to shell out for some real ones.…

WE all love April Fools’ Day. Whether we’re chuckling at a barely-believable newspaper headline, tucking into a hollowed-out boiled egg or sticking a loved one’s toothbrush up our bottoms, there’s nothing us Brits like better on the first day of the fourth month than instigating - or falling for - a light-hearted seasonal prank. However, for one morbidly obese Harlow bachelor, the first of April has come to represent the most dreaded 24 hours of the entire calendar year. Unemployed GETHIN CARTILAGE has had his life RUINED by a string of Easter-based practical jokes... all played on him by Hollywood’s biggest stars! “ I’ve been beaten up, jailed and placed on the sex offenders’ register, and it’s all thanks to the A-Listers and their April Fools’ pranks,” says 61-year-old…

JUST BEFORE CHRISTMAS, intrepid British space hero TIM PEAKE captured the nation’s imagination when he blasted off into outer space aboard the International Space Station. For the next 6 months, Major Tim will be orbiting the earth a dizzying 16 times a day at speeds in excess of 17,000mph - that’s as fast as 85 Formula 1 cars going flat out! And with a punishing schedule like that, it’s going to be hard for him to know where in the world he is from one moment to the next. Luckily, Viz Comic is coming to the rescue! WE’VE teamed up with our pals at NASA’s Mission Control in Cape Carnival, USA, to develop this fantastic “G-Peake-S” Satellite Navigation system to keep the UK’s Astronaut of Hearts…

PALACE watchers were celebrating last night after HRH Prince Edward became the first senior royal to successfully burp and say ‘bollocks’ at the same time. The Prince, who is said to have been perfecting the trick for over 15 years, performed the feat whilst on an official engagement in Leeds. After he opened a new community centre, local councillor Herbert Tonks thanked the prince for his visit, at which the Earl of Wessex quickly stood up and released a deep belch accompanied by a long and slow delivery of the word ‘bollocks’. rumours There were rumours in the past that the Prince, who is ninth in line to the throne, had been experimenting with emitting a fast rasping fart accompanied with a…

PRANK NEIGHBOURS into thinking their dog has got piles and worms by emptying tins of spaghetti in tomato sauce onto their lawn. A Krunt, Grantham HOUSETRAIN YOUR dog by telling it to "sit" on the toilet, saying "Busy busy" and giving it a biscuit when it successfully curls one off. It will soon learn to associate the sound of the flush with a treat. BG Wodehouse, Bracknell A DANISH pastry stuck onto the back of a dog turd makes it look a bit like a big brown snail. Gilbert Piles, Clerkenwell  DOG WALKERS. In addition to your pooper scooper, carry a flask of liquid nitrogen. If your dog has an attack of diarrhoea, the offending puddle of feculant can be quickly frozen solid and lifted from the pavement using a…

BUILDERS. A plumb line rotated through 90 degrees makes a handy emergency spirit level. Nickers, Batley FOOL people into believing they are having a nightmare or drug-induced psychotic episode by following them around while playing random notes on an Alto Saxophone. T O’Neil, Glasgow CREATE a relaxing ambience next time you light your wood burner stove by using blocks of Kendal Mint Cake instead of firelighters. This will add a delightful fragrance to your lounge, adding to the reassuring effect of the natural fire. Captain Flack, Trumpton HILLWALKERS. Save buying expensive Kendal Mint Cake by packing cheap, supermarket brand firelighters in your rucksack. These double up as makeshift flares in the event that you get lost up a mountain in the dark. Ben Lomond, Loch Lomond LADIES. Give men the…

¦ I pity the April Fool in Peru, who was taken in by a pal who had dressed up like a space alien. Carpet fitter Boco Perez, from Lima, covered himself in tinfoil and put a goldfish bowl and deeley-boppers on his head, before abducting his pal, farmer Alfonso Garcia. Perez then took him to his garden shed, which he had decked out to look like the inside of a flying saucer, before spending two hours probing the terrified Garcia’s anus using his carpet-fitting tools whilst making high-pitched bleeping noises. To finish off the cheeky prank, he then knocked his victim unconscious using a rubber mallet and deposited him naked in a field more than 100 miles from his home. Perez was found by the roadside three days later, suffering…

Celebrity re-vamp for RAF display team THE RED ARROWS yesterday unveiled their brand new pilot line-up for the 2016 display season. And in a radical departure from the RAF’s usual practice of picking experienced frontline fighter pilots to fly the iconic scarlet jets, this year there will be nine CELEBRITIES at the controls. And none of them has ever flown a plane before! “It’s going to be really steep learning curve for our rookie pilots,” said Red Arrows Squadron Leader Siddley Armstrong. “Low level aerobatic flying in tight formations at speeds approaching 600mph is really going to put them to the test.” margin There’s no margin for error when you’re doing a barrel roll fifty feet above the ground wingtip to wingtip with eight other planes.” “The celebrities…

1 DON’T go up on your roof during a thunderstorm or when it’s slippery. 2 ENSURE all roof tiles are firmly affixed before walking on them. 3 ALWAYS wear sensible, appropriate footwear, such as plimsolls or trainers when clambering over rooftops. 4 NEVER venture onto a roof if you are carrying a large flightless bird puppet under your arm. 5 WHEN affixing the G.Peake.S marker, make sure it is placed where it will not be obscured by TV aerials or overhanging trees when viewed from 200 miles up in space. 6 IF YOU do fall off the roof, try to look for a soft place to land, such as a pile of bin-bags, a bush or a garden pond.…

“ Britain has seen the biggest change to its pension system in a lifetime. The changes should be for the better, but they have left many members of the public unsure how all these new rules will affect Phil Tufnell’s personal pension pot. The former England spinner will turn 55 in 7 years time and will then be able to access his entire pension pot. With thousands of people confused about the choices he faces, we are here to offer advice. Here are some of the best letters we have received...” • IF HE CONTINUES to work on Question of Sport beyond the age of 55, would Phil Tufnell be able to draw down from his fund while still making contributions using money earned in his occasional reporting role on The…

• THE FIRST SIGHTING of a dog turd on the big screen came in Charlie Chaplin's 1917 silent classic EASY STREET. The 'Little Tramp' is seen walking merrily down the road, when he steps in a large pile of St Bernard crap. He then shakes his head angrily, before a title card reads: "Fuck's sake. Has anyone got a lolly stick?" The scene scandalised Jazz Age America, and the film was banned in all but three states. • IN A DELETED SCENE from Steven Spielberg's 2012 epic LINCOLN, Daniel Day-Lewis (playing the iconic US president) was supposed to tread in a dog turd on his way to get assassinated. The props department had prepared a fake barker's egg for this, but the notoriously 'method' Day-Lewis insisted on stamping on genuine…