Innholdsfortegnelse for March 2016 i Viz

• THEY say there’s far more chance of being struck by lightning than winning the lottery. Well my mate Daz is an electrician and he’s been electrocuted 27 times and he doesn’t even play the lottery. Somebody really should have a word with these so-called boffins. Richard Carroll, London • MY teacher used to mock me by telling me that I would never get far in life and would probably end up becoming a window cleaner. Well, he may have been right, but I’m guessing that unlike him, I never need to buy a bag from Tescos thanks to these giant pockets I have here on my waistcoat. So who’s laughing now, I wonder? R Asqith, Barnet • CAN I be the first to say RIP to Jimmy Hill? Or…

VETERAN stickman Ben Dover has announced an ambitious plan to start using drones to shoot his adult movies. The perennially priapic national treasure, 81, hopes that the remote control hovering cameras will add a new and dynamic dimension to his hardcore productions. “We’ll be able to get some angles that I just can’t manage by myself,” said Dover, who writes, directs, shoots, edits and distributes all his own videos. “When I was younger, I was a lot more flexible and I could get my camera right down into the pink so you could see everything,” he told us. “These days, my back’s gone and it’s even a chore for me to bend down and tie my laces. And the cinematography is suffering as a result.” bollocks…

“...I soon found myself in a booth with a small pot and a copy of Health and Efficiency. It was really soft stuff. There wasn’t even any pubes in it...” AFLEETWOOD MAN who has been making regular deposits at a sperm bank for the last fifty years says he is finally hanging up his wanking spanners. “It’s time to retire,” says Bernie Pluckacre, 75. “I’ve been pulling myself off for profit for half a century and it’s time to take it easy and enjoy a bit of me-time.” “From now on, when I pull myself off it will be for pleasure only.” During his career, Pluckacre reckons his seed has resulted in more than 100,000 births, earning him his nickname of King Spunk. “That’s what they call me down at…

COUNTLESS millions of words have been written since the world heard the news that David Bowie had passed on. But not by me yet, so here’s another five hundred. And I’ve written “five hundred” in words, so that counts as two of them, whereas if I’d written “500” in numbers, like that, it would only have counted as one word. Yes, countless millions of words may have been written, but that’s still not as many as the number of tears that I have cried in grief at the loss of the greatest star the world has ever seen. But David Bowie wasn’t just one star. He was many. For he was a chameleon of pop; changing his appearance to reinvent himself afresh for each successive generation. And although “re-invent” is…

‘‘ Hi guys, The Notorious B.I.G. here. When I’m not releasing chart-topping hip hop singles or dying in 1997 from gunshot wounds, you can usually find me blathering on to some poor sod about underpants! I absolutely adore these cotton-based men’s undergarments, and judging by the size of my postbag, so do all you Viz readers! We’ve received boxe(r)s and boxe(r)s of letters, so this page certainly won’t be brief(s)! But, seriously, enough of my larking about - let’s get straight down to the best correspondence about pants I’ve been sent this week.” Biggie • I SPENT 30 years working at Selfridge’s department store, where my job was to arrange the display table in the men’s underwear department. However, I have since found a new line of work as…

Dear Dec, What is the most expensive pair of underpants ever made, and who were they made for? Ethel Leibniz, Scholes • Auf Wiedersehn pet, Mrs Leibniz, that’s a high quality interrogatory. The most expensive pair of underpants ever made cost a whopping £15 MILLION to fabricate! They were spun from pure 24-carat golden thread, and embossed around the elasticated waistband with diamonds, rubies, sapphires and $100 bills. They were created for none other than U2 lead singer Bono (real name Paul “Bono” Hewson) as part of his on-stage outfit for the band’s 2011 world tour. Believe it or not, though, the hair-brained, short-arsed lead vocalist forgot to pack them in his suitcase, and subsequently had to charter a private jet to fly them 10,000 miles around the globe at…

PREVENT the fur around your dog’s anus from becoming matted with faeces by inserting a cook’s piping bag into the animal using the handle of a wooden spoon. Then simply choose a nozzle to produce the profile of the stool which you prefer. B Woodhouse, Heaven RECREATE the nostalgic effect of listening to old fashioned ‘long-wave’ radio whilst actually listening to digital radio, by constantly rustling crisp packets next to your ears. Trevor Broadbank, e-mail RECREATE the nostalgic ‘white dot in the middle of the TV screen after turning it off’ effect by placing a mint imperial in the middle of your screen for about 20 minutes. Trevor Broadbank, e-mail DENTISTS. Why not develop a range of mini-dentures for toothless babies, enabling them to eat normal food, offsetting the money…

Spy in the Brown Eye Set to Revolutionise Medicine MINIATURE flying drones the size of pinheads could soon be helping doctors diagnose bowel conditions, according to a report in this week’s British Medical Journal. Engineers at the University of Fulchester are in the process of developing tiny micro-drones which will be able to fly up a patient’s arse to spot polyps, warts and internal piles. At present, doctors can only identify such abnormalities using long probe-like cameras inserted into the rectum, an uncomfortable procedure and one not without risk. diagnosis “These little endo-flying machines are going to make diagnosis of these conditions a whole lot safer,” said project leader Professor Johnny Kwango. she wrote “It’s a bit like that film The Fantastic Voyage, but instead of being piloted by a…

Alfie male n. An ageing man who still, for some inexplicable reason, proves remarkably attractive to young women notwithstanding his antediluvian vintage, wrinkles and plumbing issues. ‘Todays’s birthdays: The Minstrel, Canadian racehorse, 1974; Street Cry, Irish racehorse, 1993; Rupert Murdoch, Alfie male, 1906.’ all guns blazing, go down with v. To simultaneously shit and piss yourself whilst out on a major session. ‘You’ve got to hand it to the bishop, mother superior. He went down with all guns blazing.’ bushcraft 1. n. Self sufficiency in the boondocks, as practised by roly poly twig-nibbler Ray Mears. 2. n. The gentle art of seduction, as practised by Rod Stewart. 3. n. The mysterious and fabled skills required to pleasure a lady between the sheets, as practised by Paul (Leo) out…

The Force awakens sales success for family-run business SALES OF A British-made pocket fanny are sky high following the success of the new Star Wars film The Force Awakens . Fans of the sci-fi blockbuster have been clamouring to get their hands on the £10 device ever since one of the movie’s stars Harrison Ford praised it online. “Never without my Shipton’s when I’m filming. Better than the real thing! #MayTheFannyBeWithYou,” the 74-year-old actor tweeted to his 8 million followers. He accompanied the message with a photo of himself on the bridge of the Millennium Falcon, holding a Shipton’s Slick Lips Pleasuremax and giving it the thumbs up. Star Wars fans immediately began re-tweeting the post and within minutes,…

Dear Ant, Where does the expression ‘Liar, liar, pants on fire’ come from? Mildred Hegel, Dundee • Howay, Mrs Hegel, that’s a belter of an inquiry. This popular phrase has its origins in the Spanish Inquisition of the 16th Century. When the Inquisition suspected a potential heretic of supplying them with false information, they would set fire to his or her underpants. If the underpants burned, that meant the suspect was lying and should be put to death immediately. If the underpants didn’t burn, that meant the suspect was telling the truth, but was also in possession of magical, flame-retardant underpants and was therefore probably a witch or wizard, and should be put to death immediately. Dear Ant, When were underpants invented and who invented them? Edith Schopenhauer, Guildford •…

•  I HAD an embarrassing experience recently when I visited the doctor, and he asked me to strip down to my smalls so that he could examine me. First, he cupped my testicles and asked me to cough, then he put on some rubber gloves and made me bend over while he pulled my pants down and put his finger up my bottom to feel for my prostate gland. I was mortified to find that my underpants were not clean on that morning and were covered in skid marks. I was even more embarrassed when I got home and my wife reminded me that he is actually a doctor of medieval history. Arthur Grewelthorpe, Acklam on Humber We pay £5 for your made-up It Happened to Me stories.…

A HULL MAN who sent up a camera drone to check his roof for loose slates after the December storms says he has seen a vision of HEAVEN. Skidby-based brush salesman Burton Coggles lost control of the £35 flying device shortly after launching it in his back garden and watched helplessly as it flew into the sky and out of sight. He told us: “It wasn’t responding to the controls and it kept going higher and higher until it was a tiny black dot. Then it vanished into the clouds.” “I thought that was the last I would see of it.” However, the next morning the 49-year-old father of seven found the drone crashed on the path by his front door. “It must have just come…

We flag up lax security by flying drone into Queen’s bedroom! SECURITY procedures at all royal residences were being reviewed last night after a downmarket adult grin-mag managed to fly a DRONE into Buckingham Palace. Viz editor Hampton Doubleday was able to pilot the drone, purchased for £20 on the high street, through a pantry window on the east side of the palace. Controlling it from the street, he then hovered the machine unchallenged around the corridors, staterooms and halls of the royal residence. security And despite invading the Queen’s privacy, the magazine editor said he had “no regrets” after highlighting the shocking lack of security. “I couldn’t believe how simple it was,” said the 58-year-old editor. “Nobody questioned the presence of the intruding machine in the two hours I…

WE ARE all agreed that new technology is a wonderful thing. But sooner or later, there’s a chance of it falling into the wrong hands and getting used for illicit purposes. Mobile phones, the internet and GPS sat-navs are all now routinely used by criminals to arrange, carry out, and cover up their despicable crimes. And it appears that drones could be the next tool in their arsenal. For according to the National Union of Intruders, Housebreakers and Ratboys, home burglaries could be completely automated within the next few years. The professional body says that by 2020, criminals could be using drones to break into your house, steal your stuff and deliver a shit onto the living room carpet. “Gone are the days when burglars had to tramp the streets…

Dear Roger, YOUR definition of the profanity vinegar strokes suggests that the term gets its name from the similarity of the facial expressions pulled by a male whilst approaching orgasm and that pulled by someone sipping the eponymous non-brewed, chip-bound condiment. I would like to suggest an alternative derivation, viz. that the term more likely stems from the similarity of the action of the ejaculate leaving the hog’s eye bound for a belly, some hair, a cassock or Ms Decker’s knicker drawer, and the aforementioned condiment leaving the bottle bound for the aforementioned chips. Todd O’Brien, email…

Health Secretary announces surname re-shuffle HEALTH Secretary Jeremy Hunt yesterday announced that he has changed his name by deed poll to JEREMY CUNT . The government minister said he was taking the legal step to formally alter his surname after a spate of newsreaders had inadvertently mispronounced it when referring to him in reports. paperwork Solicitor Dixon Curry, who drew up the official documentation, told us: “Changing one’s name by deed poll is a straightforward legal process for which I charge £25 plus disbursements. I have all the paperwork prepared already, and as soon as he signs it, Mr Cunt, sorry, Hunt will officially become Mr Hunt, sorry, Cunt.” flush The minister, who is MP for South West Surrey, says he hopes the…

WHAT is the proper name for the penis access aperture in the front of a pair of Y-fronts? I was brought up in Yorkshire, where we always called it the “tassel snicket,” whereas my wife, who is from the other side of the Pennines, refers to it as the “wazz lappet.” Arkwright Boycott, Henley onThames • No need for an argument, Mr and Mrs Boycott, the penis aperture of theY-front is known colloquially by many different names. As a boy growing up in Liverpool, I would call it the “cocky ginnelway.”…

“DO YOU like my new pants?” my 42-year-old American cousin asked me yesterday. I had to laugh - he was pointing at his trousers! Martin Tomayto, Basildon WHILST on holiday in New York, an American came H running up to me and my husband screaming, “Give me your muthafuckin’ money or I’ll shoot you, I’ve got a goddam gun in my pants!” We had to chuckle - he meant he had a gun in his trousers! Marjorie Potarto, Manhattan Hospital “THERE’S a party in my pants and you’re invited”, an elderly American gentleman from my nursing home told me yesterday. I had to laugh - he meant that he wanted to have sexual intercourse with me. Ada Lescallthewholethingoff, Merton • Has an American said the funniest thing to YOU about pants…