Innholdsfortegnelse for December 2015 - January 2016 i Viz

I KNOW mad people traditionally think they are the Emperor Napoleon, but what if one of them thought they were the Emperor Nero who was actually mad himself? Would a mad person thinking they were another mad person actually be a double negative, and mean they were actually sane? Hamilton Winterbottom, Crewe WHILE everyone else is busy whingeing on about the new charge being introduced for carrier bags, I can’t help feeling a little smug as I’m currently in possession of about 27 of them which I have gathered over the years. Even at second hand prices, I stand to make a tidy sum. Chuffy, Dudley WHATEVER happened to dead hedgehogs flattened like pancakes along the highways and byways of Britain? Back in the 70s and 80s you used to…

AVOID the embarrassing d d experience of having to stand with your dog on the street while it suddenly stops to have a shit by waiting at home until it has a shit on your kitchen floor and then taking it for a walk straight afterwards. Leif, Llansantffraid APPEAR taller than you are by d talking very quietly as people approach, thus sounding further away. A Darricott, e-mail GLUE dustbin lids to each of your car’s wheels to avoid damaging your handsome alloys Jamie Cuffe, Isle of Man RECREATE the thrill of dairy farming by starting work at 5am, selling £1 coins for 80p and getting fat cows to piss on you David Craik, Hull EXTEND the battery life on your mobile phone by turning it off and placing it…

TO CELEBRATE the end of the Festival of Britain in December 1951, Prime Minister Sir Stafford Cripps announced that Britain was to bake the largest mince pie the world had ever seen. With the austerity and rationing of the war years still fresh in the public’s memory, it was a national project into which the whole country could throw themselves with gusto. Even today the scale of this ambitious undertaking is literally mind-boggling, with an estimated half a million people working solidly for two days to meet the premier’s Christmas morning deadline. Here’s how it was done... DECEMBER 23rd. Every foundry in Britain halts steel production and begins smelting aluminium under the supervision of senior civil servants.Over 1,000,000 tons of the metal will be needed in order to cast the…

anecdon’t n. A tale that you really ought to keep to yourself. ‘Our vicar’s got some great anecdon’ts, like that time when he shat his trousers during a funeral service.’ barren land, the euph. That special place between the clock-weights and the poopchute, medically known as the perineum, so-called because because nothing grows there and no one ever goes there. Also sometimes called the memorable inch because “if someone does take the time to tinker, you will remember them forever.” bog barnacle n. A cheap plastic bum sink seat that remains firmly stuck to the back of one’s legs upon rising. bog moth n. A persistent cottager, drawn like one of the eponymous poor man’s butterflies to the sordid, dingy lightbulbs of public lavatory cubicles. Brian…

Dear Roger, I’VE been looking in vain for the definition of “McArthur Park” which is one of my favourite entries but it appears to have been removed. Just trying to find out why? Did the song’s writer Jimmy Webb protest? Michael McGaughrin, email *No, if you look on page 347 of Roger’s Profanisaurus - Das Krapital, you will find the following entry: “McArthur Park 1. n. A 1970’s maudlin ballad by Richard Harris. 2. n. A particularly evil dropped gut that gives the impression that “something inside has died”.” In the same book, McArthur Park is also referenced in the following definitions: break company (p84), death by chocolate starfish (p162), food’s ghost (p443), open Dracula’s coffin (p390) and rectoplasm (p448).…

1 DECEMBER 1643 During a trade voyage for the East India Company, English sea captain William Mynors discovers a tiny new island approximately 1300km off the coast of Malaysia. Mynors dubs it ‘Christmas Island’ as he happens to be eating a Quality Street and watching a Bond film when he sights it on the horizon. 2 DECEMBER 1985 Hardcore American punk rocker GG Allin is a controversial choice to perform in the Christmas Royal Variety Performance at the London Palladium. Appearing with his backing band the Carolina Shitkickers, Allin performs a medley of his best-known hits, including I Wanna Fuck Your Brains Out, Needle Up My Cock and Suck My Ass It Smells, before relieving himself on the stage and throwing his faeces into the audience. Backstage after the show,…

I WRITE with reference to Mr Bennett’s letter (above left). Rather than being a quirky anecdote, I find this a rather heartwarming story. These days, many a man would simply let rip and force his wife to suffer the consequences. He would probably even disable the passenger side window and laugh. These same men will often break wind in bed and force their wives under the covers, giggling to themselves as their poor partners retch. The courtesy and respect that Mr Bennett’s friend shows his wife is truly commendable and sadly all too often lacking in marriage these days. T Fintim, Limbim…

Dear Brian I know that time slows down as f f f f things approach the speed of light, and that consequently the Apollo astronauts had aged slightly on their return to earth. I have a large wine collection which will improve and so become more f valuable with age, so I was wondering that if I went into space and reached the speed of light, how much older would my wine be when I got back? f Hampton Judd, Warwickshire • I’M AFRAID you’ve got that all arse about face, Mr Judd. It would be f f f your f wine that would have to be sent f into space and f accelerated to near f light speed if you wanted it to age. If you sent it out to…

“Eventually, after I had given my yummy mummy a series of multiple organisms, I couldn’t contain myself any longer and the inevitable happened...” THE EROTIC confessions of a discount shop Santa Claus have set tongues wagging in the quiet town of Clipstone, North Notts. For local Father Christmas Trevor Gumrot , 67, claims that over the festive period he has bedded over 500 “yummy mummies” who have brought their children to see him in his grotto at the Justakwid store in the Byron Shopping Centre. “I don’t know whether it’s the white beard, the ruddy cheeks or the uniform that gets them going, but these milfs just can’t keep their hands off me,” he told us. “They say that Santa only comes once…

DURING the Radio 5Live commentary on the recent US Formula 1 Grand Prix, I was disgusted to hear former racing driver-turned-pundit Allan McNish announce “Hamilton is on the soft.” I had barely finished vomiting, putting my foot through my television licence and sending the BBC the bill when his colleague James Allen said: “Massa’s got a bit of a twitch on.” I for one am glad Lord Reith is dead, as I have no doubt that if he were still alive to hear such obscene filth being broadcast by the corporation he set up, he would be spinning in his grave like a fucking top. Audrey Fittipaldi (Mrs), Leeds…

WE are told that for every 1 d d degree you turn your central heating down, you save 10% on your heating bill. So why not turn it down 10 degrees and your heating will be free. Shaun Smith, Keighley LADIES. Ironing can be really dull. Why not spend that time fantasising about the amazing d career you could have had? Like a sexy vet or a 1960s jewellery thief in a cat suit. Ben, Berkhamsted DON’T want to wait until Friday to watch your favourite show Gogglebox. Recreate the fun any night of the week by sneaking round all your neighbours’ gardens and peeking through the window when they’re watching TV. Steve Richardson, Spennymoor BIG families. Use one of those dog ball launchers to dish out mashed potato for…

The Otter’s Pocket Ross McDonald, Bangor; Sarah Thomas, East Lothian; Michael Jennings, London; Richard Munn, Worcs; Nick Bailey, Kent; Karen Neville, Suffolk; Mark Tippey, Reading; Mike Rowbottom, Macclesfield; Ralph Humphries, Brighton; Ian Mc Cabe, Wilts; Shelley Ell, Dunfermline; Philip Payne, Lancs; Mike Hall, Barry; Glen Hubbard, Suffolk; Chris Buckland, W. Midlands; David Field, London; F.W Dean, Twickenham; Chris Jones, Oxfordshire; H.Jordan, Staffs; Andrew Thornes, W.Yorkshire; Christine Evans, Newcastle; Scott Farrell, Dorset; Neil Everall, Durham; Peter Chainey, Manchester; S.Stevenson, Lincs. The Roger Mellie Telly Times Matthew Fowler, Sheffield; Paul Douglas, Hull; Gary Hunter, South Shields; Chris Fitzsimmons, Staffs; Patrick Kelly, Durham; Harvey Salmon, Suffolk; Neil Mitchell, Lancs; Paul Grant, Hampshire; Mr Elliott, Stoke on Trent; Neil Salter, Yorkshire; S. Burden, Essex; Aston Martin, Sheffield; Stephen McCallum, Renfrewshire; Duncan Hamilton, Swindon; Craig…

Dear Prof Fuck, IS THERE a word or term in your stupendous lexicon to describe the creeping sense of shame one feels when, at the conclusion of an internet-fuelled bout of vigorous relaxation, one closes one’s web browser to be greeted by a photograph of one’s wife and children smiling innocently from the photograph one has chosen to be the wallpaper on one’s desktop? I await your reply so I can pass it on to a colleague who asked me to find out for him. Hadrian Wall, Email * No there is not. The closest I can manage is the term “big brother is watching you” on page 60 of Roger’s Profanisaurus - Das Krapital, which is defined as “The wood-felling realisation, whilst watching a scruff video, that there…