Innholdsfortegnelse for November 2023 i Psychologies

Love thyself I laughed our loud when I read Caro Giles’ ‘Coming up for air’ in your September 2023 issue. Caro, thank you for sharing your story. Knowing that others have had similar experiences with dating makes one feel less alone. I can relate viscerally to every emotion you mentioned regarding your online encounters: vulnerability, fear, anticipation, disappointment, and resignation. Like you, I don’t think it’s quite right for me – but I’ve promised myself to stay positive and hopeful that my Mr Right and I will find each other one day! For now, however, I’m focusing on loving myself, the focus of September’s edition. My monthly Psychologies constantly encourages and reminds me to share joy, love, and peace from my inner fountain – with others and with myself.…

I’ve barely slept; my four-year-old was awake coughing for most of the night. Our boiler has decided to pack up on this chilly autumn morning. And I have writing deadlines to meet, where I feel out of my depth. My mind flashes back to the previous weekend, spent alone with my husband in a timber cabin in Kent woodland; a Saturday afternoon lying on the sofa, warmed by the flames of a log burner. I’d read a novel, then drifted off into a nap. If only I were back there, I think as, shivering, I boil kettles of water for a wash. Yet, while a part of me would love to escape, my brain is also whirring with ideas for my articles, and I’m scribbling them down with one hand…

Confidence is ultimately about trusting yourself – the root word actually means to trust, according to psychologist and coach Nova Cobban. ‘That explains why some confident people also seem quiet – it’s not about enjoying the spotlight or being loud and extroverted,’ she explains. ‘Confidence is more about being highly attuned to yourself and having total trust in yourself. Confident people are recognisable by their complete comfort with who they are. They have a strong internal sense of self-worth, built through learning how to trust themselves.’ Accordingly, people with a high degree of self-trust are more likely to: ● Make clear decisions ● Bring others with them on their journey ● Listen to other people’s opinions (because it doesn’t threaten them to do so) ● Be self-aware – including towards…

Book of the month The Attention Fix by Dr Anders Hansen (Ebury, £14.99) Compulsive mobile-phone and social-media use is rife in today’s world, leaving us distracted, anxious, and unable to focus. If you struggle to switch off from notifications and likes, leading Swedish psychiatrist Dr Anders Hansen has the answers. He uses the most up-to-date science to explain why modern life can cause an attention deficit, confusing brains that have not fully evolved from hunter-gatherer reactions, in a time of plenty and technology. While this book is heavy on research, it’s thoroughly accessible and, more importantly, enlightening, as it takes you through cause, effect and cure for regaining your focus. Connect by Simon Lancaster (Bonnier Books, £9.99) Life is given meaning by the connections we make – to each other,…

Session one... It was our first session together and Pat* was distraught. For the first ten minutes, she sobbed. If she tried to compose herself, she dissolved into tears again. When she attempted to speak, she was incoherent, shaking her head and holding up her hands in despair. I knew that Pat wanted to have coaching for ‘family issues’, but I had no further information. The purpose of this initial ‘chemistry’ session was for us to find out if we could work together, and if I would be the appropriate professional to support Pat. I felt such empathy for Pat. I wanted to demonstrate my care for her by waiting patiently and showing that I was here for her when – and if – she wanted to speak. Eventually, Pat…

‘Bear in mind that we don’t tend to lack confidence full stop – it appears in different parts of our lives at different times,’ explains Nova Cobban. ‘So it’s not that you are not a confident person or that you are not capable of trusting yourself, it’s just that something has occurred that has thrown your self-trust into temporary doubt.’ To rebuild your confidence after such a setback, Cobban recommends these nine steps: 1 Start where you feel confident Find something that you are still really confident about, even if it’s something small and inconsequential such as driving, and build up from there. This helps you to build a truer and more specific picture of where the confidence issue sits. 2 Confidence comes from taking action When we…

The nights are rushing in now, inky and pricked with stars when I open my window and lean out to look for bats. Cool air smacks my face when I stand on my doorstep in the mornings and watch the cat hop onto the wall. I have been trying to inhabit the sense of renewal that comes with autumn, though I am sometimes confused by this when I see piles of dead leaves heaping up on the pavements. The concept of fresh starts is linked to the new school year, to uniforms that are a little too big and pencil cases full of shiny stationery. But most of my children are unable to attend school, and that lack of a rite of passage can make me feel adrift if I…

I’d looked forward to the menopause since my 20s. That may sound bizarre but, having managed heavy, painful periods since my teens, I eagerly awaited the days when I could be in touch with my natural body, cut out artificial hormones (which isn’t an option whilst I’m still menstruating), and have sex without niggling pregnancy worries. I was a huge fan-in-waiting and, as far as I was concerned, the sooner the better. Then, about 18 months ago, Davina McCall made a documentary called Sex, Myths and the Menopause. I didn’t watch it, because I was only 38 years old, and menopause was something I didn’t have to think about for at least 10 years, right? But I couldn’t avoid the avalanche of information that followed. The menopause was everywhere. At…

While kicking through leaves on a crisp autumn day is an undoubted joy, when it’s cold and dark, getting out to breathe in nature’s goodness can seem more of an effort. So how do we bring that magical feeling into our lives each and every day, whatever the weather? One word – houseplants! Spending time tending plants in the home has enjoyed a huge resurgence lately, to the extent that the internet is now awash with T-shirts and mugs proudly proclaiming their owner to be a ‘plant mum’. As we all seek to lower stress levels in our lives, it’s not hard to see why they’re becoming so popular: as well as being a great interior-design statement, they also have a huge range of physical and psychological health benefits, including…

For so many of us, our pets bring comfort and companionship. They wake us up each morning with a prod of their paws, they welcome us when we get home, and curl up on our lap in the evening. Pets can be an important part of our lives, so its little wonder that it can be heartbreaking when a beloved animal dies. ‘Pets can be silent witnesses to all of the details of our lives, both good and bad,’ explains clinical psychologist Dr Marianne Trent. ‘Many of us who have pets will talk to them, and perhaps even use them as a sounding board. Sometimes, it can feel they have been a really good listening ear to help us make sense of our own thoughts and feelings, especially at complicated…

Skin savvy As the sun sets on summer, don’t banish that SPF to the back of the cupboard. The Wellcome Sanger Institute has warned that people in Britain have facial skin that has four times more DNA damage from sun than that of people living in Singapore – despite the Asian country having three times higher UV levels. Scientists believe the gap is due to differences in skin type. The UK population is more at risk of developing common skin cancers, with 17 times more cases in the UK. The good news is that we can act to protect ourselves – clinical advice is that we should all wear a SPF 30-plus year round, which is now often found in face creams, so remember to use one every day. Strictly…

This week, my relationship with my sister went to new places when she had to watch me pee into a bed pan standing up. I’ve always had a somewhat dodgy lower back, but after surgery a few years ago, it seemed to right itself. Then, one morning recently, I woke up and found I was in so much pain that I couldn’t walk. In fact, I couldn’t even stand. Suddenly, I was lying on the floor and I couldn’t get up. I live alone, so this posed a bit of a problem. I lay there for a bit, hoping things would change – but they didn’t. So, I called my mum, who hopped in the car to rescue me, at the same time calling my sister to let her know…

How often do you have an anxious thought that transports you to the absolute worst possible outcome? The tendency to assume something catastrophic will happen in the future is known as worst-case-scenario thinking, and this particular type of thinking is remarkably prevalent in anxiety disorders. Worst-case-scenario thinking possesses the extraordinary ability to transform a simple headache into a brain tumour; cancelled plans into personal rejection; or a routine flight into a catastrophic crash. It seems that your mind is inclined to persuade you that the absolute worst outcome is not only possible but highly probable. Your mind’s ability to imagine vividly is so powerful that, simply by thinking things that haven’t happened, you can feel as if they’re happening right now. This ability to imagine the worst has an adaptive…

Ask someone to describe a confident person, and they’re likely to paint a vivid picture. Confident people don’t hold back, whether that means expressing an opinion, speaking up at work, or addressing a crowd from a stage. We view confident people as being comfortable within themselves and unafraid to try new things. And we tend to believe that it’s something innate. A blessing bestowed, like curly hair or a great smile; you’ve either got it or you haven’t. But, in fact, confidence is something we can cultivate. ‘In psychology, we prefer to use the term “self-efficacy”,’ explains psychologist Dr Meg Arroll. ‘Self-efficacy refers to the belief that we have the ability, capacity, and resources to carry out certain actions that are necessary to attain goals.’ If we reframe confidence as…

psychologies DOSSIER With you in mind Often, we look at people with confidence and assume they must have had it since birth. And while it’s true that some people have confidence innately, others of us have to work at it. But, like going to the gym and building muscles or stamina, growing your confidence is something that can be learned and developed over time, with a bit of work… 1 CONFIDENCE IS… BOUNTIFUL Usually when we talk about confidence, it comes from a place of lack. We talk about imposter syndrome, feeling like we’re not good enough and might be found out, or feeling wobbly in our own self-confidence. But when I work with people around building confidence, I encourage them to look at confidence from a…

My ex-husband remarried last year. I recently became engaged. That’s not particularly unusual for ex-spouses who divorced nine years ago; most men and women who divorce between the ages of 35 and 54 remarry within five years. What is unusual for us is that my ex, Bill, and I still live in our family home with the three sons we had while we were married. Since our divorce, we have co-parented by nesting (aka birdnesting). Our children have continued to live in the family home while Bill and I take turns moving in and out to care for them. We chose nesting for several reasons: continuity and comfort of daily life for our kids; less stressful than keeping track of three kids and their stuff between two places; and cheaper…

Sleep well Do the changes in temperature and daylight hours that winter brings affect your sleep? Dr Guy Meadows, co-founder and clinical lead of Sleep School, shares how to get your best sleep this season... • Manage light exposure. Natural or artificial light can wake us, as it stops the production of melatonin (the sleep hormone) and activates the release of cortisol (the waking hormone). Keep your room as dark as possible, or try using an eye mask. • Manage temperature. We sleep better in a cooler environment, with the ideal bedroom temperature 16–17˚C, so switch off the central heating and use a high-tog winter duvet instead. Or try a combination of blankets, to regulate temperature. • Adapt to the new time. Gently ease your body into the clock change…

BBQ smash burger ‘These burgers will put a smile on your face over and over again. Brioche buns stacked high with homemade patties, sliced tomato, BBQ mayo, crispy fried onions, chopped lettuce and melted plant-based cheese, for the ultimate burger experience’ Makes 4 mega burgers or 8 regular burgers For the patties: ● 4 echalion shallots● 2 tbsp olive oil, plus extra for greasing your hands● 1 tbsp brown sugar● 600g plant-based mince● 50g breadcrumbs● 50g BBQ sauce● Sea salt and black pepper For the burgers: ● 4-8 plant-based brioche buns● 4 tbsp olive oil● 1 romaine lettuce● 1 beef tomato (or large tomato)● 4 tbsp plant-based mayonnaise● 4 tbsp BBQ sauce● 4-8 plant-based cheese slices● Crispy fried onions 1 Preheat the oven to 200˚C/180°C fan/gas mark 6. To make…